should I be her reference?

United States
August 1, 2011 4:41pm CST
And what do I say!?!?! I have a friend from HS who's talking to me right now on FB asking if I could be a job reference for her. I don't know what to say. The reason I'm saying this is because she's truthful for the most part. She just leaves out important details you know like she said she's getting the internet at the library and not at home never really told me why. She told me nearly 9 mo's after she's moved out of state (I have not seen her in 10yrs in person) that she sold the lap top to go party. Um.... what can I say to her about that other than I disapprove of such things!! She used to tell me her phone was disconnected because the solicitors were calling her too much ... it's called didn't pay her phone bill. But never confessed to that being the actual reason KWIM? Same with her suposidly marrying the man she shacked up with after her husband died... he didn't have an ID so they couldn't get married?!?! So get a new ID! KWIM? Not that if she married him she wouldn't get survivors benefits for her kids. You know what I mean a lie to cover up what?!?! My mom raised me on my dad's death benefits, she didn't work til I was a teenager. My friend also hardly works for long periods of time, maybe a few weeks to months before she's jobless for some years and then tries to get a job again. I don't know if people now days even call references. And if they called what could I say. She's a nice person, don't know her very well anymore and I can't speak really about her character or if she's trustworthy..... WWYD?
3 people like this
10 responses
@SomeCowgirl (32270)
• United States
1 Aug 11
I would tell her you don't know her as much as you used to and if a job was to call you can't see yourself lying. I think the best bet is the truth, as nicely as you can. You don't want to be put in the position of lying, what if you want to work for that employer in teh future? Plus, it's hard to be put on the spot, it's not like they'll call and say "hey we're calling for such and such but we're going to wait an hour and call back to give you time to think of someting." ya know?
1 person likes this
• United States
1 Aug 11
Very good points. I don't know how good of a reference I'd be. I'm not a very good on the spot thinker either. I know they may something like give me an example of her strengths ect weakness ect almost an interview myself and I would not be able to provide that.
1 person likes this
1 Aug 11
dont do it, she seems like trouble and if you havent seen her in 10 yrs thats a while. Shell b fine without ur help just say im not comfortable with this. My aunt asked my dad for a similar thing but it was a complete lie because she never worked with us, her declined because it could come back to bite him in the butt later.
• United States
1 Aug 11
She said she'd be calling me tonight. I really don't want to answer it. I don't have references anymore myself as we've all grown appart over the years and we focus on our kids, their education, running a household, our jobs, and various responsibilities. We don't have too much in common any more either, it's really just catching up when we do speak a few times a year like a letter you send w/ your Christmas cards.
2 Aug 11
Then you just have to let her know. I would protect yourself first in this case. Just to be safe, if shes worth keeping shed understand. If not let her go.
2 Aug 11
how'd it go? what did u end up doing?
• United States
2 Aug 11
If she's asking you, someone who barely knows her, to act as a job reference, that means she has so ruined her reputation that she can't get a real reference. Many jobs want references to be previous employers, coworkers, or the like--not someone you just happened to go to high school with. If you had attended the same college, that would be a different matter. Personally, I wouldn't do it. I've served as a reference before, but it was for someone I know very well and that I had actually witnessed her work ethic during our time at college; I was also familiar with her academic work (which was pertinent to the position).
@diala84 (139)
• United States
2 Aug 11
Well I think that having doubts it a good way to know that you really shouldn't be her reference. I'm guessing if she is asking you for a reference she has already used all the friends that she is closer to and they have refused or she really doesn't have many friends anymore. Hopefully you could tell her that you wouldn't do her justice because you don't feel like you know her well enough be a reference. At least it is easier to tell someone that over Facebook than in a face to face conversation. In any event either take the time to get to know her better so you can be her reference or tell he you can't because you don't feel like you know her that well.
@katsmeow1213 (29047)
• United States
2 Aug 11
I've never actually been in a position to be a reference for someone. Actually it's me who's asking everyone else I know to be a reference for me. Personally I think if she's out of state and you haven't seen her in so long, it's probably not the greatest idea to be her reference as you don't really know much about her anymore. Besides that, she doesn't sound like she'd be a good worker and you don't want to help convince a company to hire her if she's just going to quit shortly there after.
@savypat (20246)
• United States
2 Aug 11
I would be straight with her, tell her that since you haven't had much contact over the past several years all that you would be able to say was you knew her in school. You couldn't tell about her employment history at all. Or you could just say no and avoid the whole thing all together. Blessing on whatever you decied.
@lilybug (21148)
• United States
2 Aug 11
I'm not sure if I would want to be a reference for someone that I don't really know all that well anymore or someone that I know lies a lot. I know a lot of places don't bother checking references anymore, but you don't want the time they do call to be the time you agree to do it for her.
• Jamaica
2 Aug 11
As the other comments have said, sometimes they call, sometimes they don't. If you really don't want to be her ref. don't, if you do you will constantly feel guilty, especially if she messes us and gets fired. If you really want to help her out, go ahead. State the positive things that you know about her but also tell the person calling that you have not seen her for 10 years. There will be more than one ref so they will just call the others. They will make note of the positive things that you have said and compare it to what the other refs will say about her and make their own decision. Sometimes when someone has to find refs, if they don't have a lot of friends they will put down someones name just to get the number of refs required. You just have to be truthful to ensure that you can sleep easily at night!
@maezee (32269)
• United States
2 Aug 11
If she puts you down as a personal reference, then I would go ahead and say yeah. You just have to explain her character to whoever calls - I've known her for so and so long, she's a hard worker, smart, etc - pretty much throw compliments at the person you are referring. I have been (supposedly) put down on several friends' applications as a personal reference, but I have not once ever been called. I doubt that they will call you, but I suppose it depends on the job though and the company in question.
• United States
1 Aug 11
I don't think all of that personal stuff really matters when it comes to being a job reference, and chances are you won't even be called for it. I say be her reference, help her out, and answer the questions positively if you do get a call, because it would probably do her some good to get a job and get her life in shape and figure things out.