I don't find myself attracted to anyone.

Canada
August 5, 2011 5:39pm CST
First let me start off by saying that I am a straight female. A little over a year ago I got out of a really stressful 2 year relationship. There were a lot of breakups and then getting back together. There was a lot of stress and he said and did a lot of hurtful things, not just during the breakup but through the relationship as well. Ever since then I don't find myself attracted to anyone. While I am over the guy 100% I wonder if maybe he has something to do with it. It was my longest relationship and I really thought I was going to marry this guy. Looking back on it I'm very glad that it's over. But is it possible that the relationship was so mentally scaring that it's turned me from being attracted to people? I want a relationship and I want to get married and have a family, but I literally find no one attractive! Seriously Jake Gyllenhaal doesn't even phase me. Is there anyway (other than seeing a shrink) that I can start people attracted to people again?
3 people like this
20 responses
@francesca5 (1344)
6 Aug 11
hello vulgarlittleprincess i have some bad news, i think you should take the shrink option. a counsellor would be fine, but chose carefully. the problem is that people who have social anxiety issues can attract narcissitic types who then can be very unkind and controlling towards someone who is a bit insecure. and i think the reason you are not attracted to anyone is that you fear the same thing happening again. there are books you can read on this issue, but a real life person to talk is better, though both is probably even better. sorry, but if you have issues like this that you need to deal with my advice is always do it as soon as possible, as the last thing you, or anyone in your situation want, is another bad relationship. and the best way to learn to spot a villain early is through counselling. and there is no need to see going to a counsellor as a sign of weakness, it is a very sensible way to solve a problem.
1 person likes this
6 Aug 11
and think of how rejected all those poor counsellors would feel if nobody ever went to see them.
1 person likes this
• Canada
6 Aug 11
I would rather not go see a shrink. It makes me so uncomfortable. I don't see how it will help, all they do is ask questions, nod then say i'm normal, that nothing is wrong, i'm perfectly happy and to go home and not come back. Hardly helpful at all. You're right about the controlling thing, except my relationships end up being with people who are just as insecure as me. They put me down and control me to make themselves feel better, to feel more secure about themselves by putting me down all the time.
1 person likes this
6 Aug 11
i can understand why you don't like the idea of a shrink. though there is a massive difference, between, say, a psychiatrist, and someone who specialises in talking therapies. they vary a lot. but at least you can see what the problem is, that they make themselves feel better by putting you down, it took me a very long time to realise, unfortunately. there are some books on it, that might be worth reading. but what you mustn't do is build a sort barrier round you that protects yourself, but then stops you from having any relationships. thats why i favour therapy. i think maybe reading a few books about this issue, some writers on this subject might categorise this sort of experience as emotional abuse, if you do a book search on that you might find something intersting. good luck.
1 person likes this
@airasheila (5459)
• Philippines
6 Aug 11
Good day Vulgarlittleprincess, Perhaps, what you are experiencing right now is just a normal thing. Since you just came from a relationship wherein you invested emotions and time. So these two might still be affecting you. In addition, maybe your mind is dictating you most of the time rather than your heart on what has to be done. There are times, our heart dictates that we like it but our mind does not go with the flow that we feel inside our heart. For this reason, you somehow end up thinking it twice if you will or will not. On the other hand, there are some instance, that our mind wants it and yet our heart dictates what to do and then we end up again indecisive. Thus, just let go with the flow, if you are destined to be married, then let it be. One day you will just feel it again that you are in love. And when this time comes, who knows, you will end up into a good marriage relationship. Have a nice day.
• Canada
6 Aug 11
I guess it has been so long since I've been attracted to someone that I'm starting to worry that I'm turning into a plant or something. What if the feelings never come back? I mean I know this guy, he's super cute and super sweet and I know he likes me. (and he just might be reading this :P) And I see all the potential for a relationship, but I just... panic! Blah, I know he can offer me everything that I want. So why am I so reserved?
1 person likes this
@Hatley (164654)
• Garden Grove, California
6 Aug 11
hi because you have been burned on and do not want the pain again from a bad relationship. everything you want but can he offer love?I mean don't relationships like marriage have to have the element of real love in them? not just money and security and companionship those you can get from a pet dog or cat lol lol I do believe in real love the kind that makes you hear bells and whistles, and almost knocks your socks off and you cannot live without being with this man kind of love You will know if he really love s you as you will feel it, its u ndescribable but its there that realization he is for me.
• Canada
7 Aug 11
I hope I feel bells and whistles soon!
@Doritoes (84)
• United States
6 Aug 11
I think you just haven't met 'that' person yet. It might have something to do with your last stressful relationship but I'm sure you just haven't came across someone worth your attention. I've had an extremely stressful relationship myself few years back as well. I've been with him for over 2/3 years, ha I don't even remember. A lot break ups and make ups too. I was head over heels for this guy and I thought I would never get over the relationship, NEVER! Then I met my boyfriend now and it's probably the best thing that's happened to me so far. So I think it's just really about meeting the right person. You're just going to have to wait or look harder. Loosen up and put yourself in the market!
1 person likes this
• Canada
7 Aug 11
Looking harder tends to make me panic, it's like every guy i meet goes through this "potential husband" mental test or something. And that stresses me out. I'm too old to be dating people that there's no chance of a future with. I guess I just have to let that go. But I don't want to be jerked around like my last boyfriend did ever ever again.
• United States
6 Aug 11
I believe what you are experiencing is a possibility of being afraid to start another relationship and recovering from the last. Your past is somehow connected or keeping you from moving forward;being afraid that every guy is like the ones that you have met so far. Therefore subconsciously, you may have put up a guard to keep from starting a new relationship out of the fear of your past. My advice is to allow your STUMBLING BLOCKS TO BECOME YOUR BUILDING BLOCKS! Last but not least,for many reasons waiting to began another relationship is best especially if you are recovering from the last because when you do decide to enter into another relationship you will be free of all the old baggage and will not luggage them up to travel with you into your next destination. Blessings
1 person likes this
• Canada
6 Aug 11
I think you're right. I guess I have to let myself stumble along hey? I'm over the guy, just not what he put me through I suppose. Kinda complicated.
@jasmeena (850)
• Indonesia
6 Aug 11
Your story is almost similar to mine. Maybe,I am even worse. I am 34 n still single and I sometimes think is as disaster. I often feel afraid that I won`t find a good man. After breaking up with my best ex due to long distance relationship ( he is just married and surprisingly, I couldn`t cry at all, despite being with him for soooo long). We broke up in 2005 and he got married a few months ago. After breaking up, I had relationship twice and both were horrible. There is a person who is chasing me, but don`t know why, I am not so attracted to him, even though we can talk for hours. It seems that he dramatized everything in the beginning, he tried to lure us with expensive and high class cakes, flowers and my parents are not in respect because it seems that he is not what he is and he didn`t want to know what other people said. When my dad was hospitalized and taken care to isolation room, I told him not to visit my dad as the day later my dad would be home. But without out knowledge, he went to the hospital to visit my dad and we got the report from the nurses, he sometimes comes to my house without waiting for my reply to his message whether I am ready or not. I am not so into him ,but he is into me. My dad and sister are against him as they think that he doesn`t have respect for other people`s will. I don`t know whether I have to push my feeling for him and try to know more someone new. After my failed relationships, sometimes I am afraid of having feeling to someone and even try to have relationship with someone who loves me but I have no feeling for him with hopes that someday I can love him. Well..I think don`t push yourself to have relationship. Still open your heart and mind, make friends with lots of people and boost your self-confidence.
1 person likes this
• Canada
6 Aug 11
Having the open mind is guess is the hardest part. It's easy to logically want a relationship, but not always easy to be in one. My confidence could use a bit of boosting too though.
1 person likes this
@Rosa26 (2620)
• United States
6 Aug 11
Of course you will, andI think is good because in this way you won't be losting your time with people just because you don't want to be alone, you will see that this special person will come to your life, and as soon as you see him will you'll know that he is the one,just take your time and don't worry my sister is 42 years old when she thought she will never find the right person, she found him or he found her I don't know lol' but now they are getting ready for the wedding.I wish the best!.
1 person likes this
• Canada
6 Aug 11
I guess my worrying that I will end up alone for the rest of my life is one thing that is scaring me. I thought that I was going to spend my life with him (thank God for small miracles right?) and now I'm afraid that I will never find anyone! And I think that is hindering me finding anyone at all.
1 person likes this
@labea17 (443)
• Philippines
6 Aug 11
I also feel the same way. I really want to fall in love with someone, be married, and have kids in the future. However, I seriously can't find anyone attractive. It's not that I have a high expectation or something, but no one is really catching my attention right now. I wish that there is, though. My last relationship was last 2008. The guy I was with broke my heart into a million little pieces. Although I am much better now and I don't feel pain anymore, I still have a hard time liking someone. My advice is that you expand your social circle or go on dates. It is possible that there will be someone who will catch your attention.
• Canada
6 Aug 11
Maybe that's my problem, I want to get married and have kids. So maybe I'm looking at everyone as "omg can I spend the rest of my life with them" and then that scares me so I automatically turn away. I'm 25, so while I'm still young I want to have all of that fairly soon. Not like the next year or anything, but I don't want to be 35 having babies either. Dates, there's no harm in dates is there? Maybe I'll try that.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
6 Aug 11
Not all people are same. Maybe you have not met your soul mate for now. There is the best time and moment for something like this. And when we get it then it becomes special and we know that the person is meant for us. Life maybe short but there are so many opportunity to find happiness and be where we belong. Don't loose hope. Don't let fear overtake your way to meet the person for you.
1 person likes this
• Canada
6 Aug 11
I won't lose hope :) I know that someday everything will go back to normal, I'd just like it to be sooner rather than later. Thanks for such a positive reply
@moneywinner (1866)
• Brazil
5 Aug 11
I guess that maybe you were so disappointed with your last relationship that you think that every guy that you find is going to be the same thing. I don't think is time to see a shrink yet, I think it's normal that you pass sometime without feel attracted to anyone. Just enjoy life without thinking about that you need to feel attracted to someone that the things are going to happen naturally.
1 person likes this
• Canada
5 Aug 11
I do feel like that, I kind of automatically assume it will all blow up in my face and push people away before I even have the chance to get to know them really. That part I can understand, but really I would like some eye candy! But I don't find anyone attractive :( It's been over a year, I really hope it fixes itself soon. I feel as though I'm missing something.
• Philippines
5 Aug 11
Yes, try to broaden the people you meet. This will give you a chance to meet different kinds of people which gives you a higher probability of getting someone you are attracted to. The more diversed the gathering, event or social activity, the better opportunity for you to look for someone. Meeting different kinds of people will also broaden your attraction spectrum. I suggest you meet people with a different whole new interests as yours or maybe look for a new interest that you might want to venture on and look for people in it. Acquaintances are the best bet for you to spark an attraction again.
• Canada
5 Aug 11
I have social anxiety so I find meeting people rather difficult. This does seem like an excellent idea though and I might just have to suck it up and try it. Though I don't know how cute I'll be when I'm awkward in a corner :P Meeting people outside of work might be a good idea! Now I just need to figure out where...
• Philippines
6 Aug 11
I do suggest you try a sport or even do jog in most jogging places. You can meet a lot of different people in there. Since you are not that socially active, you most likely end up meeting the same personality people in there. Meeting new personalities can sure fire up attraction and interest. Just go on with it. Being socially active can be a big help for you and you will see the world in a different light. Just always be curious, interested, enthusiastic and open minded.
• Canada
6 Aug 11
I don't jog :P If I did I'd be the one in the jogging park throwing up in the garbage can ;) There is always downtown, but what kind of connection can start with meeting while drunk? I need some kind of activity.
• United States
6 Aug 11
It is possible to be asexual. Asexual people just are not sexually attracted to anyone. You really may want to see a therapist. I realize there is a lot of stress and stigma attached with doing so, but they can be really helpful. Another option is a journal where you can just write whatever you are thinking or feeling at the moment. It may be that your focus on finding a relationship, getting married and having a family may be holding you back. You may want to take a step back and work on building relationships with people around you, and widening your circle of friends/acquaintances. A person's personality is often more important than their physical looks when it comes to attractiveness. If you don't take the time to get to know people before dating you are doing yourself a disservice. Good luck!
• Canada
6 Aug 11
I went to a shrink when I was a teenager and he was a complete quack. I won't go back. He ruined shrinks for me. A journal now would be good. I could totally do that. Writing down that is on my mind might help me a lot actually. That's something I didn't do with the 2 year relationship, we met and started dating about 2 weeks later. 2 years later my life is a mess. I think that if I had got to know him the way I knew him after we broke up, before we started dating I never would have been in a relationship with him in the first place. I should work on friendships first.
1 person likes this
6 Aug 11
i can understand how a bad experience of shrinks when you are a teenager could put you off. maybe reading a few books might help. one book i really enjoyed was called "counselling for toads" i can't remember the name of the writer, but there is only one book with that title. you can't miss it. and then maybe reading around the subject first might help, and then see how you feel.
1 person likes this
• Canada
6 Aug 11
Self help books might help. I always feel awkward buying them though. But then again I'm sure there's a ton of self help articles online that I could read without having to buy anything.
1 person likes this
@lilybug (21148)
• United States
7 Aug 11
I could see that your ex has a lot to do with it. My last relationship was about 5 years ago. It ended on a bad note. Actually MOST of the relationship was bad. When I got out of that relationship I was not interested in anyone for a really long time. I think I just got it into my head that relationships were just too much trouble to be bothered with and that kept me from really finding anyone attractive. I have recently started to like someone which I thought was really odd since I have made it a point to avoid relationships. I am not dating him and I don't know that I ever will, but it has made me realize that my heart has not gone completely cold.
• Canada
7 Aug 11
Mine feels kinda frozen, I want to feel all swoony again :( I'm glad you got over your ex though! Takes alot more effort than should be necessary
• Nigeria
6 Aug 11
This is practical things of heart, Just get yourself together and forget the past and move on with your life. Soon u shall celebrate. That man is not for you that is while it happened that way. God will surely grant you your heart desire believe it or not, because there is appropriate time for everybody.
• Canada
6 Aug 11
I hope God's appropriate time for me to find guys attractive (let alone find one!) is sometime in the near future. I'm not still dwelling on the breakup though. I just think it has a lot to do with whatever is going on now.
• China
6 Aug 11
I know that opposites do attract. You might just be too scared to find another one. I know it hurts. I hope you can get well as soon as possible. You don't have to worry about it. I think your prince just hasn't come yet. Someday you may meet him. Just give it a little time. Good luck to you. Life is full of possibilities. Cheer it up!
• Canada
6 Aug 11
Thank you :) I think part of it is that I am scared. I mean I know the relationship left me completely messed up. SO I never ever want to go through that again, and what better way to avoid it than to avoid relationships all together, you know?
6 Aug 11
Maybe you didn't saw yet that one person that will catch your attention that much, over a year is not that long yet, especially your past relationship doesn't goes well, just enjoy yourself for now and don't think about getting attracted yet. it will surely come in time mostly when you least expect it.
• Canada
6 Aug 11
I guess so. But it would be nice to have some eye candy, you know? Hopefully it comes soon!
@thetis74 (1525)
6 Aug 11
It is possible. A lot of women are afraid to marry seeing a lot of marriages flounder. We get so hurt and start to fear that all the men we meet and have relationships with might hurt us the way we have always been hurt. I think you don't have to go to a shrink. Your being aware that it is something that is mentally affecting you then to take that scare off is to have positive mental views that not all men and people are the same and that you may not just have met the perfect person for you. We shouldn't be scared of these these things. We have to scare them away because they can block our way of the chances for a happy life. You are young and there is a lot to learn and explore to finally get the ultimate life you want. We just need to be careful while we are on that journey and be cautious of the people that we have relationships with. When you feel something is wrong you have to think of yourself first and think of whether or not to pursue. There is always someone out there for everyone. Sooner or later we will find them.
• Canada
6 Aug 11
It's not that I'm necessarily afraid, I guess yes I am a little bit. But it's more that it seems like I don't have the feelings anymore. I can look at a hot guy and know he's hot but not feel any desire to do anything or pursue anything. I just don't know how to stop feeling numb.
@veedee13 (242)
• United States
5 Aug 11
That's normal especially since you were in a 2 years relationship and you said it was stressfu and because of that you shut off guys from your life.For you to start being attracted to someone again,you have to let go of the past and change your thinking about guys.Not all guys are the same and there's someone out there for you.
• Canada
5 Aug 11
I'm not sure how to change my thinking :( It's more pure terror about being in another relationship than anything else. Oh, I did date one guy about 4 months after and instead of breaking up with me he just disappeared with no word. So that was also really stressful. Not to mention hurtful! How do I let go?
1 person likes this
• Philippines
5 Aug 11
Maybe you're just overlooking the person you're attracted to. Or maybe you're doing too much that your entire focus is on other things that you start to forget what type of people you're attracted to.
• Canada
5 Aug 11
I keep looking to see if I find people attractive and I don't :( so I don't think that it's that i'm over looking them. The second thing you described is possible. I work and I'm an artist and I have a social life, so I'm usually busy.
1 person likes this
• United States
7 Jun 12
you know vulgar, it is possible that this sort of thing happens to everyone from time to time....perhaps you need some time to heal after this last relationship or relationships i gather. it might be good to have quality time just with yourself and learn and grow as a person...as an artist, you should immerse yourself within your art and just exist in that place! and the psychoartist certainly does not think there would be anything amiss with your seeing the shrink as you so disrespectfully call psychiatrists! this may help you grow in your travelling....good luck with your journey ....
@voracious (624)
• Philippines
6 Aug 11
I don't believe that you are not attractive. Yes you are attractive. Do not down yourself because your last bf had broken-up with you, it only means that he's not meant for you. I suggest that if you are planning to have a boyfriend again then look for an exceptional guy despite of his being ugly.