How to persuade my husband to do something for us?

China
August 5, 2011 8:23pm CST
Dear mylotters,my daughter is 16months old,I'm very happy to be a mum and enjoy every second being with her,however,I'm facing a big problem-my hubby.He is big fan of CS and online games,and I feel more and more that the only thing he interested in is the game,even though he says he cares about us.I tried a lot of times to persuade to do something together with me for our daughter,I mean either work hard or spend more time with us,but never works. I really want to spend more time with my daughter,because I know I'm the only one in this family that would love her as much as possible,I have chances to get promotions,but I never accepted,I don't want to lose the chance to see my little girl growing up,as I'm getting older,I found it harder and harder to balance the things in my life.I have my interests too,I want to do that things before I'm too old to do them. I can give up anything if my daughter needs me to do so,but in that case,my hubby can't support this family at all. Have you ever known this kind of people? What can I do to him? I think he is not indulged,just too lazy.
8 responses
@SIMPLYD (86668)
• Philippines
6 Aug 11
Have you tried talking to him about the whole scenario. I think your husband is too assured that you can provide for the family. Perhaps you could talk to him or at least do the household chores and take care of the baby as his contribution to your family.
• China
6 Aug 11
Yes,I talked to him for so many times that I'm tired of doing this. I thought in the same way as you that if he can do the household chores it would be fine too,but he is too lazy,always said he is too tired after work,but he can paly the games until 2 am. That's annoying.
@SIMPLYD (86668)
• Philippines
6 Aug 11
So he has a work that he contributes to the family too. Well, i guess, it his way of relaxation, so let him have it. That's better than going out after work to have drinking spree with friends . At least , you have him at home during the night when you are doing the chores. Maybe you can give your child for him to take care of ,while you do the chores?
• China
6 Aug 11
Yes,he has a job.But in my opinion,family members should spend more time together,he just spend too much time with his computer. Maybe I'm not open enough,but that's really painful to me to see him doing nothing at weekend and every night but playing games.
@Rosa26 (2620)
• United States
6 Aug 11
My husband is like yours he love to play games, last night he stayed until 3 in the mornung playing, but it doesnt bothers me because when he is playing xbox Iam in mylot, lol, so he doesn't bothers me and I don't bother him, then when I finish I join to him and talk about his game, and play some, and sometimes if he doesn't wants play more he comes to me and give ideas about new topics to create disscussions, so it doesn't bother to him see me typing for hours in the computer, lol,then I go to sleep and when he goes maybe two hours late I wake up and kiss him and he hugs me and we happy! so maybe you can join to his games, and encourage him to join to you activities.Have a nice day!
• China
8 Aug 11
Sorry,I have to take care my little girl at weekends all day,I can't response to everyone quickly. I know there are couples that like playing game together,but I'm not one of them,I would prefer to spending time with people rather than games,so I can't do in this way,I have a daughter,she needs both of our attention,if I play games with my husband,who would care about her? She is only 16 months.It would be cruel to her.
@Rosa26 (2620)
• United States
8 Aug 11
Yes I understand your situation, I would take care of my baby, like you do and at the end he will realized all the time he lost playing games, and his baby growing whithout the attention and care of the father, later on he will regret of his behavior,I congratulate you because you are a good mother.
• China
8 Aug 11
Thank you for your understanding.I play games too when I am not a mum,but now I'm willing to give in and give up,so I expect my husband can think in the same way,it's hard to everybody I know,but at least we can try as much as we can. I started this discussion just want to find out if I had asked too much from him or not,or who is wrong. Thank you mylotters,I'm happy to know that you are in favor of me.
@Dominique25 (9475)
• United States
6 Aug 11
I know exactly where you are coming from. I think it can be very difficult and a frustrating thing when all a person wants to do is watch TV all the time or play games all day. These things can become very addictive. I think that such things as these can cause a lot of strife and tension in a relationship. My husband and I have had our tifs about these things as well. I have a little girl and I love her so much and I'm in agreement with you about how important it is for family to spend quality time together. It's absolutely amazing to me how much time a person can really spend on video games, or watching television. Time is so precious as it is and to focus more of your time on something as this can be annoying. I understand your comment about how you get tired of talking to him about this. My husband tends to listen to me only after I've talked about it more than once. Sometimes talking helps and sometimes it doesn't. But I make sure that I let him no how I feel about it. For a time I got rid of the televison because it's what needed to be done. Some people may have thought that was a little extreme. But personally I didn't really care because I'm trying to keep a good relationship with my family. And when most family members all go their separate ways- to play games, to watch tv, or text, etc. That really isn't good for the family and it doesn't draw the family together.Doing that did allow us more time to do other things. I really hope that with time your husband will see the importance of spending more time with you and your daughter. I would encourage you to hang in there and keep working to reach him. He really has to see for himself that it is beneficial and loving for him to do other things with you. There's a huge difference between relaxing for a little bit playing a game, and spending countless hours playing video games. That sort of thing does put me on edge. Thankfully for the time being I haven't had to get frustrated about the whole video games because we don't have the tv and he sees where I'm coming from and is in no real big hurry to buy one. My heart goes out to you in this situation because it is trying especially when you love your family dearly and want everyone to enjoy spending time together. Having to deal with situations like this can cause a person to feel down because you feel like you have to fight for your spouses affection with a game, or whatever else it may be. Keep trying though and remember that your daughter will love and appreciate you for all that you have done for her.
• China
6 Aug 11
Thank you,you just know how my feeling is,I was on edge for this for many times,I thought about selling the computer,but he would got so crazy when I just mentioned to him like that. The funny thing is that he still thinks that our relationship is perfect,I have no idea what's in his head. Any way,I'll try my best being a mum,hops that he can understand me one day. Hope yours too,dear.
• United States
7 Aug 11
The crazy thing is that my husband feels the same way! He thinks the relationship is perfect as well. I think at times it's hard for them to understand how we are feeling and to communicate with us. We are more sensitive about things and men tend to have a casual approach to things. I really do hope that your relationship with him improves. A divorce would be a hard thing to go through and I don't want your family to have to go through that. I want them to be able to understand us before it reaches the point where we are really mad and don't want to be together anymore.
• China
8 Aug 11
Maybe they're from another planet. I will try whatever I can.
• Netherlands
6 Aug 11
Counterstrike? It is addictive. Had a boyfriend addicted.. Ever thought of 'forgetting' to pay the internet bill? I think it is really hard to get him of his computer by just asking him nicely. These computergames are really addictive and he has not yet put time in your little girl yet he might not do it in the future just because you ask him nicely. Tell him the truth. Maybe negotiate some times where he can play with his computer and times he should spend with you two. Tell him to think about your girl growing up. How you would not want to miss a second of it and him waisting away his time on a computer while his little girl is growing up, quicker and quicker and he is missing all of it. Don't you think later on he will be regretting missing this time? You also have a right to do your own things, better start negotiating. Maybe you come to an agreement where both parties are happy. Tell me how you solved this?
• China
6 Aug 11
Thank you for your response. Honestly speaking,I did everything I could,I think I was just too nice to him in the past.I don't know how to negotiate with such a person,everytime I told him how I feel on the things,he would listen to me for just 2 hours I think,then everything goes the same as past. The thing I regret most is I should divorce him before we had our daughter. Since the fact is we have the girl,so I'm trying all I can to give my girl a normal life,no matter rich or poor,she needs the love from her mother and father.
• China
6 Aug 11
Forgetting to pay the internet bill doesn't work,he would use the last cent to pay for it.I think he hasn't realized his responsibilities.I'm just tired of talking to him on his stupid living style,wasting both my time and energy and my daughter's. If he can quit the games,I would really appreciate his doing this,he is unwilling to give.
• United States
6 Aug 11
I'm sorry that unfortunately all that is happening and going on has caused you to feel like you should have divorced before your daughter was born. It is a tough situation and hard on all of you. Yes, it's important for your daughter to have the love of both her father and mother. A divorce though has a set of problems all in it's own. Children really do thrive better when both parent's are together. So i understand why you are trying so hard to make it work, it would greatly help and relieve you of all the stress and anxiety that you are experiencing if he would try and work with you. I honestly abhor the fact that any addictions but especially the addictions of games can cause so many problems in a relationship. I hope that things in your marriage will improve. Maybe if possible you both can have family counseling together. That may help that way he can have a different perspective on the situation and hopefully realize the seriousness of the situation. Because if these things are causing you to think of divorce it's really serious.
6 Aug 11
I'm sorry if I sound harsh here. But if talking to him doesn't work I would kick him in touch. He sounds selfish and a poor role model for your daughter. Sounds like you are a single mum of 2!! I hope you manage to sort things x
• China
8 Aug 11
Yes,I always have the feeling that I'm rasing a daughter and an old son.That's cray to me.
@malpoa (1218)
• India
6 Aug 11
Hi, I am a new and first time mother..I have more or less the same problems..Life has changed altogether after the birh of our baby..my husband sees on the baby and there is no time for me...he has time for his entertainment and other things...If I specifically ask him to do some house hold chores he does it after repeated reminders...One day I yelled the hell out...he doesnt even knoe how to put a diaper on her..leave alone where I keep them!!! Life!!!
• China
8 Aug 11
Dear,to me a mum means to be strong and sacrifice for our children and family.So if he can't do as much as we can,at least he should be willing to try for some times.If your husband tried but can't meet your standards,it means he is not suitable to do the things,if he is unwilling to,it's another thing.
@bouncybug (615)
• South Africa
6 Aug 11
I'm sorry to hear about this situation :( I think that your husband is acting very wrongly by choosing to spend time with computer games over his wife and child. In my opinion, you need to let him know that you should be the most important thing in his life and that he needs to make you feel that you are more important to him than silly computer games! I honestly believe that if he is not willing to stop his games in order to help support his family and spend time with his child, then he is not good enough for you!
• China
8 Aug 11
Yes,a lot of people said so,he is not good enough for us,but I don't want to leave my daughter a brokem family until the last miniute.
• China
6 Aug 11
Ah, a lazy man. You can pretend to be weak so that your husband will listen to you and help you.