Perhaps it's time to bring out the heavy artillery

@dawnald (84132)
Shingle Springs, California
August 6, 2011 10:38pm CST
So for those of you who haven't been following the saga of my weird journey through the world of divorce, a brief recap: As of April of this year, my divorce was final. However, the ex-husband is still my roommate. We are living in the same house (different bedrooms) until the house can be sold. Which can't exactly happen until we get it on the market, something that is hopefully scheduled for Monday after next. But meanwhile, we live in the same house, and he occasionally takes advantage of my proximity to attempt to get me to reconsider the divorce, despite my telling him over and over not to. Last night I had a long phone conversation with an old acquaintance. She's the daughter of a close friend of my parents, and she and her ex-husband, and Richard and I, used to attend and host these games parties. It was a group that our parents were members of, and when the membership got really low, we were invited in. We were never close friends or anything, but she seems like a nice person. Anyway, she was going through more or less the same thing that I was, and at the same time. Her divorce was final a little sooner than mine, and she has got her ex out of the house, but many of the things we have been going through are the same, except that her ex seems like a much worse jerk than mine. We had a nice, long talk. R came in at the very end of the conversation, and wanted to know who it was. So I told him, and the conversation that followed got him on the topic of us. Again... It was the same old stuff that he repeats over and over again. What did he do wrong, why don't I want to try, if it was good before, it can be good again, bla bla bla. As usual, he just wouldn't shut up. I could have gotten up and walked out, but I was in the middle of something and didn't want to. So I mostly tuned him out. But I was quite ticked. I've been holding this in reserve, because 1) he's been behaving 2) he helps with the kids and the housework and 3) he contributes financially. But I'm getting to the point where enough may be enough. I have a signed, notarized marital settlement agreement, filed with the court, that says that I live in this house and he doesn't. So I'm thinking that it's time, and probably past time, to calmly and firmly wave it under his nose, and tell him that he has a choice. Either he can stop with the "please reconsider" stuff, the guilt, the manipulation, the "I know better what's good for you", the "I'm the right guy for you" crap, or he can move out. And if he doesn't stop, and if he doesn't move out, he will be made aware that I have the firepower to go down to the courthouse and file a motion to get him out. I filed the divorce papers, and hopefully he will believe that I will do this too. Or I can just prove it to him.
10 people like this
24 responses
@jillhill (37354)
• United States
7 Aug 11
Wow....seems like I remember things like that...I served my own papers too...to save money....well after that it was weird....we were still living together and I taken the kids and went to the cities to visit my sister and get a break..while I was gone he changed the locks...I went immediately to my lawyer who called a judge...my husband it seemed locked out his responsibility to his family...that's what the judge said..if it had been over by then it was over for good when I tried to get into the house and the locks were changed...no amount of begging on his behalf could save anything! They are not very smart sometimes are they? Good luck...he needs a good swift kick in the behinder!
2 people like this
@dawnald (84132)
• Shingle Springs, California
8 Aug 11
I have a couple of volunteers who would be happy to administer the kick too!
1 person likes this
@dawnald (84132)
• Shingle Springs, California
9 Aug 11
• United States
7 Aug 11
I can understand living together for convenience, even after the divorce is final ... some people will not understand it, but that is not really the point. When it is not convenient for both parties, though, then it is time to make a change. If he is really bothering you that much, then I would definitely tell him that he can either ease up or get out. You have the law on your side, but even more than that you are giving him yet another chance to prove that he can step up and be a better man. It will not make you fall in love with him again and continue a romantic relationship with him, but as parents you will still have a relationship, and it will not only help your parental relationship but also his relationship with the children, because they will no doubt see that he is willing to try to be a better person and parent. Maybe if you put it like that, then he will realize that it is really over between the two of you as a couple but he still has a chance to build a better relationship as parents, which should be more important.
2 people like this
@dawnald (84132)
• Shingle Springs, California
8 Aug 11
eh people don't have to understand, I just do things my old rotten way anyway. but enough is enough!
@marguicha (80511)
• Chile
7 Aug 11
Hi Dawn,I think that you have had the patience of a Saint. Enough is enough. Divorce is not only that someone moves out of a house, he must move out of your life. And he is insisting for years now that he belongs there. It´s time to stop. He should contribute financially and with the housework: the kids are not only yours. But the rest it´s over. The end. John Wayne turning back his horse and going back to the desert. No more. Bye, bye, birdie.
2 people like this
@dawnald (84132)
• Shingle Springs, California
8 Aug 11
Look up a Don McLean song called "Empty Chairs". The lyrics fit Richard so perfectly...
• United States
7 Aug 11
I think the next time he says it was good and it could be good again Tell him Exactly why that is bullsh!t. And add that if he had put in the same effort he is doing now back then Maybe Just maybe you would be still together . Then if he Still doesn't get it, off to the courthouse you should go!
1 person likes this
@dawnald (84132)
• Shingle Springs, California
8 Aug 11
He thinks he's putting in an effort. Putting in an effort for me would be figuring out why he blames his temper tantrums on everybody else and stopping it, and caring enough about my feelings to respect boundaries. I do tell him why it's bs, doesn't sink in.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (84132)
• Shingle Springs, California
8 Aug 11
Don McLean - "Empty chairs"
1 person likes this
@dawnald (84132)
• Shingle Springs, California
8 Aug 11
That song is him, this song is me: From the musical Ragtime, "Back to Before".
1 person likes this
@carmelanirel (21108)
• United States
7 Aug 11
I think this depends, are you able to continue without his financial input until you sell the house? If so, then I'd say go ahead and tell him this, because you don't need that kind of frustration of his nagging you like that...
@dawnald (84132)
• Shingle Springs, California
8 Aug 11
It will be a problem financially if he gets an apartment, but maybe he will move in with his mother...
1 person likes this
• United States
8 Aug 11
Now wait, a problem for him or you? If for him, then that is his problem, right? If it is for you, then you might have to put up with his nagging until the house is sold..
1 person likes this
@dawnald (84132)
• Shingle Springs, California
8 Aug 11
For me.
1 person likes this
@1wldngl (3996)
• United States
7 Aug 11
I, also, had to live with my exhusband, but it was during our separation. NOT fun and I do NOT recommend it, although he was NOT trying to reconcile. I don't know what I might have done had he wanted to, because all I wanted was for him to show he cared. :/ I can't imagine living with him now that we are divorced cause I'm done. I feel for you. If it were me....he'd be out of there.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (84132)
• Shingle Springs, California
8 Aug 11
Know any place I can send him? He does housework!
@1wldngl (3996)
• United States
9 Aug 11
Not here!!!!! LOL
1 person likes this
@dawnald (84132)
• Shingle Springs, California
9 Aug 11
but any woman on the planet would be happy to have him! He said so himself...
@MsTickle (24975)
• Australia
14 Aug 11
Never mind Dawn...count to ten whenever you need to. If it's meant to happen it will. At this rate, the kids will probably be left home and married themselves before he's gone.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (84132)
• Shingle Springs, California
15 Aug 11
At the moment I'm trying to get up the guts to tell him that a realtor is coming by tomorrow night...
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@MsTickle (24975)
• Australia
15 Aug 11
Don't tell him. Act offended if he asks why you didn't tell him earlier - tell him you did. Tell him to deal with it, tell him to get over himself. Make lots of disgusted noises. Wave legal documents under his nose. Send him out for milk/bread/whatever. Do and say what you have to - it will be fine.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (84132)
• Shingle Springs, California
17 Aug 11
I told him, she came over, we were not thrilled with the market, she's coming back next Monday.
@savypat (20248)
• United States
7 Aug 11
This is a very difficult situation for you all, I don't know how you stand it. It seems to me you are going to have to take the hard line on this to get any peace. Either that or find a new love interest to hook him up with.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (84132)
• Shingle Springs, California
8 Aug 11
Maybe I should show up with a new love interest.
@savypat (20248)
• United States
8 Aug 11
Well that's an idea, just make sure the new love understands the game plan. Blessings
1 person likes this
@dawnald (84132)
• Shingle Springs, California
8 Aug 11
Naw, I wouldn't really...
@Lakota12 (42794)
• United States
7 Aug 11
He might be of help but to isnt he to pay child support from you getting the divorce? any way no way woud my x still be in the house. I walked away from him we werent buy just renting a place found me another place to move too in a town 7 miles awway. After all these years I have tlaked to him once and that was to see where one of our kids were so he could see his grandma if he wanted to as she had been real sick that was back in 2004 and the boy never saw his grandma and she past away last OCt. So thats ended that he ( the boy) dont try to get in touch with me or his brother, BUt LIke I said I wouldnt have x around
1 person likes this
@dawnald (84132)
• Shingle Springs, California
8 Aug 11
He's getting off so easy. We're splitting everything. He pays for the kids when they're with him, I pay for them when they're with me. He has no idea how easy I let him have it....
@Lakota12 (42794)
• United States
8 Aug 11
No he dont
1 person likes this
@saphrina (31740)
• South Africa
7 Aug 11
Pack his bags, Dawny.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (84132)
• Shingle Springs, California
8 Aug 11
Does that mean I have to give him one of the suitcases? Oh wait, I"m sure I have enough old grocery bags.
@saphrina (31740)
• South Africa
9 Aug 11
Old, old, old grocery bags should do.
@haopee (494)
• Philippines
15 Aug 11
Wow, a divorce is an awful predicament to go through and you seem to be doing well. And I hate men who try to manipulate situations to their advantage. You go, Miss Dawn. Enough is Enough. Girl Power rocks.I hope your divorce ends soon and you can continue with your life journey. In our country, divorce isn't legal yet and I'm the one who keeps asking why the country's geriatrics (the people of the old ways)aren't still allowing it to pass through congress.
@dawnald (84132)
• Shingle Springs, California
17 Aug 11
Religion, I suppose...
@dorannmwin (36692)
• United States
10 Aug 11
You have so much more patience when it comes to your ex-husband than I think I would ever be able to have if something should ever happen between Tom and myself. I would show him that statement and tell him that you do agree to let him live with you in the mean time but if he ever again brings up reconsidering what is already done that you will ask him to leave the house and if he isn't willing to do it by himself, you will have someone help him to move out of the home.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (84132)
• Shingle Springs, California
10 Aug 11
yeah, that's pretty much the plan, so now all I need are the actual guts to do it...
@gdesjardin (1938)
• United States
9 Aug 11
I can't even imagine how difficult things must be for you. I understand why he still lives there...and in this economy, you really don't have a choice. I would definitely do what you want to do as far as having him still with the guilt! I am sure the divorce has been difficult on everyone in the household and he doesn't need to complicate things by constantly bugging you about getting back together. Good luck to you and hopefully your house will sell quickly and you can truly move on with your own life. :-)
@dawnald (84132)
• Shingle Springs, California
9 Aug 11
we shall see we shall see...
@bunnybon7 (32603)
• Holiday, Florida
7 Aug 11
why doesnt he get a place of his own near by? doesnt he make enough money to do that? he really needs to give up. yes you really need to put your foot down and say, find a place now!!
1 person likes this
@dawnald (84132)
• Shingle Springs, California
8 Aug 11
I will have trouble keeping up with bills until the house is sold if he gets an apartment.
@zandi458 (27954)
• Malaysia
7 Aug 11
I see that you are not totally out of his mind or heart. He is hoping that you would reverse your decision and compromise with him. Men never learn their lesson and should not take their spouse for granted. We all have limits and once the limits are exhausted there is no looking back. Am sure you're well prepared to handle your own life after the dusts have settled.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (84132)
• Shingle Springs, California
8 Aug 11
yeah I hope so...
@blue65packer (11835)
• United States
7 Aug 11
I say bring out the heavy artillery. It is apparent R is not excepting the divorce. He refuses to. Show him the notarized martial settlement agreement! Hopefull he will wake up and move out! If not get the cops or change the locks on the door! Do what it takes! He wants to keep hanging on and it driving you nuts! Something needs to be done and I know you will do the right thing!
1 person likes this
@dawnald (84132)
• Shingle Springs, California
8 Aug 11
Oh he'll wake up and stop the sales pitches. For a week or two...
@cynthiann (18635)
• Jamaica
7 Aug 11
I think that you are going to show him the paper as soon as possible and hopefully it will sink in. I am worried though that he will use this against you with the children to put you in a bad light with them. |Stating that you are throwing him out of the house etc. This would be so bad for the kids and this is worrying me.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (84132)
• Shingle Springs, California
8 Aug 11
anything he could say or do wouldn't surprise me any more...
• United States
7 Aug 11
It sounds like it is time to remind him of his position. He really shouldn't still be in the house, and he should have found a rental by now. With your ex around, you really can't move on with your life. Nor can he move on with his life. Remind him that, now, he can go do all of the things that he couldn't do while he was tied to you--that he's now free.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (84132)
• Shingle Springs, California
8 Aug 11
Oh he doesn't want to hear that. Yeah he could find a rental, but it would be really hard to cover the bills until I sell the house...
@Sandra1952 (6052)
• Spain
7 Aug 11
Hello, Dawn. Yes, it's time to show him what 'Divorce' actually means. I had the same scenario with my first husband. They're in denial, because they just don't get what they did wrong. You don't need to explain to him - yet again - what he did wrong, but you do need to make it clear that there's no way back. It's time to wave the papers.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (84132)
• Shingle Springs, California
8 Aug 11
I'm sick and tired of explaining anyway. Nope, I just have to try and be calm and logical, and when he starts with the "please reconsider"crap again, point out where he stands legally, and hope it makes an impact.
1 person likes this
@BarBaraPrz (17348)
• St. Catharines, Ontario
7 Aug 11
Still at it, is he? Bad habits die hard, I guess. Here's hoping the sale goes through quickly and smoothly.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (84132)
• Shingle Springs, California
8 Aug 11
Bad habits never die, seems like...
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