Do We Really Have To Play With Them All The Time?

@neildc (17254)
Lapu-Lapu City, Philippines
August 7, 2011 10:21pm CST
Of course I love them all. Even if the two of them are not biologically mine. We have been together, their mom and since they were two and three years old. I already and always treat them as my own children. It's just that there are times that you cannot feel they treat me as their own dad. I don't think it's bad of me to expect a little something of a respect and gratitude. I mean, do they really have their own life now? Will me and my wife just let them do and be as they want to be? Do you have similar situation with your children or step-children? How do you handle such situations or what you could suggest on how to deal with the brats? Thanks... ~~ NEILâ„¢~~
5 people like this
16 responses
@indahfth (11173)
• Indonesia
12 Aug 11
You just need to continue to show your affection to them. Although they do not appreciate what you do, you should still show your attention to them. Trying to advise if they make mistakes. You have to face them with patience.
1 person likes this
@neildc (17254)
• Lapu-Lapu City, Philippines
12 Aug 11
yes, i guess that is the right word, "patience".
1 person likes this
@barehugs (8986)
• Canada
10 Aug 11
I helped to raise 4 good boys. I followed a few basic rules and those kids now have children of their own, we are a very happy and loving family. I was always completely honest, and never tried to get anything past them.No matter what they asked, I answered to the best of my knowledge. In other words I treated each one as if he was a small adult. I showed as much trust in them, as I expected from them. I never talked down to them. When they were around ten I took them out behind the barn and taught them to smoke. They had lots of fun smoking, until they turned green. That was a lesson well learned. I never said a word that I wouldn't have liked to hear from them. I never sent them to church, but would have taken them if they had wanted to go.I helped them when they needed it, and they helped me in return. Life is a two way street!
1 person likes this
@neildc (17254)
• Lapu-Lapu City, Philippines
10 Aug 11
as i look at it, you are not just a parent to them but a good friend. i always wanted to be like that but still i cannot understand how things went rough with our relationships. anyway, i still believe, time will come for them to realize that even how strict we are to them "sometimes", we are doing it for their own good.
1 person likes this
@neilchua (888)
• Philippines
9 Aug 11
Neildc, you won't believe this. I believe we have the same situation. My partner also have kids. 3 actually. eldest girl will be going to college next year or so. Same, name, same situation. LOL. Well, can't really advice you because the main difference is that the kids live with their real dad so they only come to us for vacation. Just love them the way you do. You got my respect
1 person likes this
@neildc (17254)
• Lapu-Lapu City, Philippines
10 Aug 11
i also got a child of my own with my first wife and he's already 21. he actually grew-up with us too and he too acted just the same with this step-daughter of mine. we just wonder how they changed especially when they stepped in to high school.
1 person likes this
@stephcjh (32328)
• United States
9 Aug 11
I sure wish I knew what to tell you about this. My husband has three children and they will not have anything to do with him or me. I had a daughter of my own also when we met and he helped raise her. Now, none of them come around. My daughter is hardheaded and his children want my husband all to themselves so it just doesn't work.
1 person likes this
@neildc (17254)
• Lapu-Lapu City, Philippines
10 Aug 11
well i wish i can or we can do that, minding our own businesses. but i really just can't ignore them as they still depend on me. if they can already live by themselves, maybe.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (84146)
• Shingle Springs, California
8 Aug 11
Do you have your wife's support in this? And is their birth father in their lives?
1 person likes this
@neildc (17254)
• Lapu-Lapu City, Philippines
9 Aug 11
it's not only me who's troublesome with the children and she know about it. actually, i get more worried when she, my wife starts get high blood with their attitudes. but even how much we try to talk with them, whether calmly, friendly manner, or scolding them, nothing seems to work for them. one time the girl even answered back to me with, "this is me already" which made my wife scold her to hell. both children knows their fathers are still alive but i don't think they will think of living with them.
1 person likes this
@savypat (20246)
• United States
8 Aug 11
It's called being a parent your own or foster children. I think we are so afraid taht we will drive our children away if we expect common courtsey from them that we allow bad behavior. I learn this the hard way, raising children. I finally made some hard choices after figuring out that I was not preparing them for the real world. I started with a speech about the value of treating others as you wanted to be treated and then I enforced the rules. Basic rules, if you tell me you are going to do something you better do it or nothing else will get done until you do, if you tell me you will be someplace at a certian time, you better be there becasue that is when I am depending on you. If you want something ask, don't yell or scream at me, don't call me names, I don't call you names and treat me with kindness, I am your only parent, you don't get others, so you better take care of the relationship. If you are in a bad mood and need some time or space, just tell me, don't mistreat me. I don't mistreat you and if I ask you to do something you think is unreasonable tell me and we will discuss it. Bottom line is I feed, cloth and house you, as long as I do that we play by my rules unless I change them. A straight talk like this is so much better then just assuming everyone knows what is going on and how to act. Blessings
1 person likes this
@neildc (17254)
• Lapu-Lapu City, Philippines
9 Aug 11
i think i had done all that i think the best for both of us, all of us to keep the relationship we keep building for almost two decades now. we talked about their attitudes even with the calmest and friendliest way i think. now all that we ask for them is to be grateful and show respect to which they should be given by them.
1 person likes this
@saphrina (31740)
• South Africa
8 Aug 11
Hi sweetie. No offense, but it's not always easy to be a step parent. Been there, done that. I remember how i treated my step dad. Give them time and see what happens. But, i bet they come to you when they really have trouble though. They need to respect you, gratitude isn't really the thing though. Hope, all goes well.
@neildc (17254)
• Lapu-Lapu City, Philippines
9 Aug 11
hi sweetie. i know it is not easy to be one. and you said, give them time? how much time do you think it should be? they're already 19 and 20 and i have been their step for 18.
@saphrina (31740)
• South Africa
9 Aug 11
Will you be offended if i told you that it will never happen then. The only way they will learn respect for others is if they have to care for themselves. How long before they finish school?
@neildc (17254)
• Lapu-Lapu City, Philippines
10 Aug 11
if it won't happen then let them be. i guess that's our lives being step-parents which we should have to face. sad but happy though. the girl had just started her first year in college so i think that will be 3 to 4 years before she will finish school? with the boy, he stopped going to school about 5 years ago and he only had been to 4th grade.
@zandi458 (27952)
• Malaysia
8 Aug 11
I kind of feel downhearted with my two adopted children whenever they rebel against me sometimes. They came to know that I am not their biological mother and start to distance from me. I took them when they were a year old and treated them no less than my two biological sons. They are now in their teens and in their rebellious age, they are really difficult to handle. This is where I feel I have failed in my duty as a parent. I understand your dilemma trying to be a responsible father to your stepchildren. These children never really understand that we won't be around them forever and their welfare is our concern.
@neildc (17254)
• Lapu-Lapu City, Philippines
9 Aug 11
yeah zandi, i also feel the way you feel. does it mean that until this time that your sons are in their teens, they still acting that way, putting a distance from you? till when do you think they will recognize our sacrifices to feel and get closer to us?
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@zandi458 (27952)
• Malaysia
9 Aug 11
Only when they become parents themselves do they know and appreciate how much efforts and sacrifices we endured to bring them up to be who they are. Only a hard knock in life make them realize that their parents have always been their savior in good or bad times.
@neildc (17254)
• Lapu-Lapu City, Philippines
10 Aug 11
i understand that. but of course, being parents, we care so much for them and we don't want them get into bad times.
@mods196621 (3631)
• Philippines
8 Aug 11
Even i dont have experience to have like what you have now i can say that being a father of them you should play still a role as true father for them. And as you stated you did it and treated them as your own kids. Even having your own legitimate child as today trend they will also do the same almost as what they do. On the first place they know who their real father is? I can say that they respect you too and treated you as their own like you did. If I will put myself on your situation well, same thing will do... and to handle their attitude is really a big challenge but i can do all the best i can.. Try all the best .
@neildc (17254)
• Lapu-Lapu City, Philippines
9 Aug 11
still trying to do what best i can do for them. still trying do my best as the head of this family.
• Philippines
8 Aug 11
Hello Neildc, That's probably why some step parents are either too strict or doesn't care about their step siblings because they are not their own. I truly believe that you're step children are missing out the kind of blessings that they have and that is a concerned DAD. if they really love and care, they wouldn't give a crap if you are a STEP but as a REAL DAD to them as you have been doing and proving for so many years. but I do think god has seen your great deed and i hope they would realize that when it's not too late....you did you're best as a Parent..if they are on their own they will realize how lucky they are to have YOU when they are betrayed by the life outside the comforts of HOME.
@neildc (17254)
• Lapu-Lapu City, Philippines
9 Aug 11
thank you so much LK. i truly believe that i did my best to be a real father to them. and we can also say, i am already there and i have nothing else to do but to perform the duties and responsibilities.
• Philippines
8 Aug 11
hi neild, Never been in this situation But as a person they must learn how to respect you and your wife Even they will have their own life soon they must know that without you and your wife they will be no one today. missing zay and ate pat happy mylotting
@neildc (17254)
• Lapu-Lapu City, Philippines
9 Aug 11
i think it is so simple to give respect unless we are not good parents.
@francesca5 (1344)
8 Aug 11
thats a very difficult question you ask neil, as all families are different and the relationships within them are different too. once they are as old as yours are they will be far more independent, and that is healthy, and what you would want. the question is then how you move on, as they become independent adults, and your role as parent changes. i think we then find ourselves as someone who can only advise, not as someone who can tell someone what to do. however in your own home you are perfectly entitled to have rules on behaviour, as long as they are not so strict that they enfringe the rights of the young adults in your house to have a reasonable amount of independence. its a question of balance, and a whole lot easier to say than do.
@neildc (17254)
• Lapu-Lapu City, Philippines
8 Aug 11
i know they feel independent or they want independence. but as long as they are depending on me, they should abide by the rules i wanted to impose on them. it's not that i am trying to be a dictator but i guess you know it is but normal for loving parents to their children. moving on is something i am thinking of. but you see, being disrespectful of them is one thing the bothers me. i never thought they will grow this far being brats.
@ANTIQUELADY (36489)
• United States
8 Aug 11
They should have been taught to respect u from the beginning.If your children don't respect their parents they want respect anyone. REPECT IS SOMETHING THEY HAVE TO BE TAUGHT.
@neildc (17254)
• Lapu-Lapu City, Philippines
8 Aug 11
i learned to respect people when i was a child. my parents and school too, taught us to respect people, especially the oldies. my wife i know also learned it from their parents. and with that, both of us never missed to teach our own children to respect people. and that is why, we as parents are some what puzzled why these children are growing the wrong way. i know i do everything for them.
@dpk262006 (56170)
• Delhi, India
8 Aug 11
I am not completely aware about your situation, yet I feel that you should continue to play your part, irrespective of their attitude. If you are sincere towards your duty as a parent, one day they will realise your importance, am sure.
@neildc (17254)
• Lapu-Lapu City, Philippines
8 Aug 11
of course, i am sincere. could you say this will last for almost two decades, being their parent, if i am not sincere? when i lived together with their mom, i stood to be their father and i think i have done everything for them as one. i played the part i should not be playing and i continue to play it, in the absence of their own father.
@carolscash (9500)
• United States
8 Aug 11
I really don't know how old these children are but I do not think that you are wrong to want them to respect you and obey you. My daughter was raised by her stepdad from age 2-8 and I always told her that he loved her because he wanted to and that she needed to respect him. He adopted her when she was 8 and they are really close (she is almost 21 now). You are there with them because you choose to be and they need to realize that you do not have to take care of them, but you love them enough to do that.
@neildc (17254)
• Lapu-Lapu City, Philippines
8 Aug 11
the girl is turning 19 and the boy is turning 20 by this month. with the boy, i really could not force him to do all that we want him to be, we could not expect so much with a special child. i believe respect is not being asked but is being gained from people. i know i have not done wrong while raising them. and i know i am doing everything to keep them under the same roof. and as a father to them, i make sure i can give every basic needs they should have. but i am so disappointed some times. do we really have to follow what they want and forget about our feelings?
• Canada
12 Aug 11
I became astep-mom when my step-son was 16. While I expected nag got respect, I also respected him. At 16, he was too old to really be under my authority. I let his parents take care of the parenting. He's now almost 21, and we're very close.