Human relations

@savypat (20246)
United States
August 12, 2011 1:13pm CST
I need human relations advice. I have a fifty year old daughter who never came across bad luck that she didn't grab. She is unable to work do to physical injury, she has no money, anytime in the past that she had money she gave it to her kids. Now she is facing several expensive issues health wise and asking me to pay. Am I wrong in thinking that it's time for those same kids to step up? I can't just let her suffer with no treatment. She gets all the government help that is available and is not to proud to take that, but she continues to look to me for bale out. Hubby and I have some money but we also have some pretty heavy expenses coming up. I don't know what to do but I do know I am starting to resent this and Hubby just hates it, not to mention my other children who feel she is just a leach. Any Ideas?
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15 responses
@dorannmwin (36698)
• United States
15 Aug 11
I really don't know what decision I would make if I was in your shoes. One part of you wants to help your children, regardless of their age through all of the hardships that they face in their lives. However, the other part of you knows that it really isn't your responsibility. I know that I've helped my mother through many financial hardships because I grew up learning that you helped your parents when you were an adult. So, therefore, her children really should help her as much as they can and perhaps you could fill in some of the gap.
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@savypat (20246)
• United States
16 Aug 11
Since this is a rather big expense she is facing I think what we are going to do is pay it and put a note in the will that will show the amount to be deducted from her portion of the estate. Of course this will all be discussed with all 3 children. I just can't think of anything else to do, her kids are in no position to even help at this point.
@lelin1123 (15644)
• Puerto Rico
13 Aug 11
She should be getting help from her children. After all she has helped them out now its their turn, not yours or your hubby. When you say government help is that including Social Security Disablity? If she doesn't have that she should be applying for it because she can't work. Thankfully I don't have money issues at this time but I also could not imagine going to my parents for help at their age. Its time for her kids to step up and do the right thing for their mom. After all she did it for years for them.
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@savypat (20246)
• United States
16 Aug 11
She get SSD but it's less than $1000 per month, in todays world it's hard to stay even with the monthly bills on that amount. She also gets welfare like food stamps and special medical.
@inertia4 (27713)
• United States
18 Aug 11
I have a similar situation myself. I understand the pain and the anguish. It's time for consolidation. She needs to rethink everything in her life. If her children are older and working, they should lend their mother a helping hand, after all, she brought them into the world. I sympathize with you and your daughter. I know times are tough these days. Maybe it's time for the family to come together.
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@louie847 (350)
• Philippines
13 Aug 11
Well, for me, if you love your daughter and you can give her help that she needs, do not hesitate. Family is very important and its the only one can help out a family member is a fellow family. Your daughter's children should also realize that they too have a responsibility to their mother and should support her in every way.
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@Nadinest1 (2040)
• Canada
13 Aug 11
You need to look after number 1 in this situation. It seems that everyone has been enabling her forever. If you have things coming up that you need to pay for,,,,she will need to find her own means. I seem to be bitter about this....but my in-laws are the same way as well as a SIL. If people/family continue to enable these people, they will never change. mt husband and I are not exactly on the same page about this....since the enabling is on HIS side of the family....and he wants to help out.
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@zandi458 (27952)
• Malaysia
13 Aug 11
I think she should be more considerate on her aged parents and not to depend on them all the time. I know as parents it is difficult to say NO to our kids when they are in desperate situation but relying on parents for financial aid all the time has exceeded the boundary of help and are forced to be social welfare workers to their adult children. Giving money to her always is not healthy as she will never learn to be thrifty. She knows where to milk for money.
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@Pose123 (21667)
• Canada
13 Aug 11
Hi savypat, This is very personal for you and your husband and I feel that any decision you make will be the right one. Thankfully, I haven't had that problem with either of my three sons in recent years. They had some financial problems at the beginning and one of them still has to work two part time jobs and his wife works as well. He understands that I'm unable to help and never asks for money. I give a little extra to the grandchildren for their birthdays etc, but that's all I can do at the moment. We all love our children and want to do what's best for them and often we know what that is better than any one else. Follow your heart. Blessings.
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@louievill (19312)
• Philippines
13 Aug 11
hi Pat, tough situation friend, it becomes a little bit more tougher to me as I go about pondering a response about it, probably because of my Asian values that slightly differs or I do not have children yet who reached that age and do not perform, guess it's also because I'm about the same age as your child. Tough but you will have to tell her straight that you are having difficulty yourself and a bail out might not be possible at this time, think the key would be straight forwardness for all family members involve and putting down all cards on the table through a family dialogue, just a suggestion and best luck
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@urbandekay (18312)
13 Aug 11
Agree that you will give half if and when her kids contribute the other half all the best urban
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@SIMPLYD (81357)
• Philippines
13 Aug 11
I think, it would be wise if you get to talk to your daughter. Tell her that as aging parents, you too both need financial help to get by. Maybe you can also talk to her children who might have jobs already, to help their mother meet her needs. Maybe your daughter doesn't want to do that herself, because of pride so take the initiative. You have done your part of caring for her already, and it's time that her children should do their part also.
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• China
13 Aug 11
Her children should have the obligation to support her. In some country the situation is illegal.
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• India
13 Aug 11
Your feeling is understood by me. Even I am younger, I would like to say that keep your daughter at you and give at least some emotional assistance for her. For it, she may recover to some extent.
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• United States
12 Aug 11
Yes her kids should step up. Tough love is called that because it is tough and if you tell her no she will find another way she needs the push.
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@Joe_Black (253)
12 Aug 11
For the most part I agree that the kids should help, and pay most of it. Of course it may be hard to just tell them to pay - only if family relations are very good will that work, and even then it is awkward, for some reason money matters have a way of changing people. I think it's best to get in touch with the kids and help the lady out as a group, if all of you get together it will hopefully not be a particularly large burden on any particular individual.. be it her kids, herself, your other kids, or you. Most important is that you and your husband do not suffer out of it in the end, in my opinion.. as you two seem to be the main ones helping: if you two start having bad feelings towards her and the help, then she will have noone to rely on in the future (not just for money, but also to help persuade her kids to help) and will suffer even more than she is now. Good luck with it... I hope your family can pull together to help out. =)
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@dragon54u (31634)
• United States
12 Aug 11
You've done your part! You raised her, loved her, bailed her out financially and emotionally when she needed it. It's now time for her kids to help out if her government benefits can't take care of it. I know how painful it is. I have a son that just doesn't get it..was always asking for a bailout till I stopped doing it. It hurts to say no, especially if you know that your child may end up on the streets but they have to learn. Your situation is different, your child is disabled, but the pain is the same. You and your husband have to insure that you are not a burden on others in the future. You have to say no. The children should step in but you definitely should not.
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