It would have been different

@dorannmwin (36698)
United States
August 18, 2011 3:46pm CST
Okay, you all know that I have two children, my eight year old daughter Kathryn and my four year old son Paul. What you don't know is that I also have two angels, a little boy that I lost in 1999 and a little girl that I lost in 2005. My little girl stays on my mind a lot more than my little boy because of the fact that she was also my husband's daughter, and I got to hold her in my hand (quite literally) for a moment. Well, I've been spending a lot of time with my old friend Angie lately because she lives near me now and is one of the few people in the world that really knows me. I went through some tough stuff 10 years ago and after that happened I said that there would never be another person in the world that really knew me until I met the person that I would be spending the rest of my life with. Her brother is my oldest son's father. Spending time with Ang has made me think about my son. It would be so weird now if he had survived. He would have been in middle school this year and quite frankly I don't know if I would have my Kathryn or my Paul if I hadn't lost him (what I do know is that if I did have my Paul now, his name would not have been Paul because that was the name I promised a late friend of mine's parents that I would give to my son). So, have any other mylotters ever experienced a miscarriage? If you have, are there ever times that you think about the child that you lost? Do you ever wonder what they would have looked like or what they would be doing with their lives now? Or, am I just crazy to have something like this to go through my mind from time to time?
3 people like this
14 responses
@bunnybon7 (37906)
• Holiday, Florida
19 Aug 11
uummm, i tried to figure this all out and cant. for once i see theres another person on here that has strange relationships hard to describe. anyway, sorry about your baby loss. thank God ive never had to experience such pain. my mom lost a little boy after i was born and i turned out to be an only child. i often wonder what my brother would have been like.
1 person likes this
@dorannmwin (36698)
• United States
19 Aug 11
Yes, I certainly do have relationships in my life that are difficult to describe, but hey, that is my life and I'm the one that built those relationships that are not typical of relationships that other people have. As far as losing the babies that I lost, I do try to believe that there was a reason that I couldn't carry them to term, but it is something that still causes me pain on a regular basis.
@tigeraunt (6331)
• Philippines
19 Aug 11
hi dora, i had a miscarriage just as i was having some very very sad experience at that time and very depressed. so it was double sadness. i didnt know i had the baby in me because i didnt have those signs of pregnancy. there are times when i think what if he lived? (i hoped for a boy because i already have a daughter.) i would have had two children. the eldest would not have complained how lonely it is to be the only child. He would have been a fine young man now. i guess it is just like this with moms who have experienced losing a baby. they are never forgotten. ann
1 person likes this
@dorannmwin (36698)
• United States
19 Aug 11
No, the children that mothers have lost are never forgotten. For me, the main difference that I can think of when concerning Kathryn and Paul is that they would have had an older brother that would have been able to show them the ropes. Also, Kathryn would have the little sister that she has always wanted. It wouldn't be a major change, but it would be a very interesting change.
• United States
18 Aug 11
Oh yes I had three miscarriages. One prior to my daughter and two after her birth. I was blessed with my son, so I have two surviving children. I do think about how my life would have been with all five of them. They all would have been grown adults now as my son is also an adult and is the baby. I do think about them often and say that I have two children and three angels.
1 person likes this
@dorannmwin (36698)
• United States
19 Aug 11
At first I thought about them all the time. As time has passed, I don't think of them as often as I used to, but there are still a lot of times that I do think about them. For example, my daughter would have been in first grade this year and my son would have started middle school, so I did think about them a lot on the first day of school. And then I do think about my little boy having the opportunity eight months ago to meet his little sister and brother for the first time.
@KrauseHome (35507)
• United States
27 Aug 11
Yes, I have experienced a couple of miscarriages in my life, otherwise I would have a 24, a 22, and a 15 almost 16 yr. old. (The doctors have tried to tell me there was 4, but no real proof as I would have not been far enough along, but if I was they would be 19 or 20 I think.) Personally since I was never able to have any full term there are many times I think about this, and sometimes still grieve because I miscarried, especially around the month that they were supposed to be born. But overall I think God had his hand in this situation and I would never have found my husband and life would have been so different. But even now watching others with kids around their ages many days makes me wonder what if things could have been different?
@dorannmwin (36698)
• United States
17 Oct 11
I think that a lot of the reason that it sticks in my head so much is because of the two children that I've been blessed enough to be able to raise. I never really thought about my oldest son much until after Kathryn was born and she started growing up. Now, with my younger daughter, I always thought about her all the time and I really think that is because of the fact that I'd already had my daughter when I lost her.
@mommyboo (13198)
• United States
6 Nov 11
Probably because you see her growing up and you start to wonder what the other would have been like...and if you see them and get to hold them, even for just a minute, they have been tangible in your life, it's not like having a spontaneous miscarriage when you are 4 weeks and you never even got to see your baby. With that I think you wonder more 'what if'. With a stillborn or preemie that lives minutes, you wonder 'what would they have been like'...
@dorannmwin (36698)
• United States
7 Nov 11
Even with my younger daughter, she didn't even live for minutes, but I held her in my hand for a moment and that combined with Kathryn really made her real to me.
@ronnyb (6119)
• Jamaica
17 Jan 12
I cant even begin to concieve what you must be going through even now or what you went through then cause I have never lost a child .Nor will I tell you that somethings happen for a reason because that would be downright cruel .What I do believe is that is that expereinces like that help us to understand how fikkle life us and that we should spend more time really appreciating the ones we have now ,which I am sure you do .Also I think teh children you have now will make you so proud in the end and I hope that will help you to find some measure of closure from that painfull chapter ..Be strong my friend and continue to think of them like you have "ANGELS"
@dorannmwin (36698)
• United States
18 Jan 12
You know, one of my friends really put it in perspective for me not too long ago. As you know my husband has cancer and she said that maybe the reason that those two babies aren't with me today was to spare them the pain of seeing their dad go through all of this. You know, Paul is still little and really hasn't understood a lot about it. Kathryn has understood it, but she is a very unique and gifted child and for that reason she was better equiped to deal with it than most children her age would be.
@carolscash (9500)
• United States
8 Nov 11
I did lose a child once. I suffered a miscarriage just a week or two into my pregnancy and so it really didn't effect me much. However, just after that I got pregnant with my youngest daughter and I wonder if I would have her if I had not lost the other child. I didn't even know I was pregnant when I lost him or her. I do not think that you are crazy - I think you are a caring mother who lost her child.
@dorannmwin (36698)
• United States
12 Nov 11
Thank you so much for saying that you don't think that I'm crazy. I know that my husband sometimes thinks that I am and my mother doesn't even understand.
@mommyboo (13198)
• United States
6 Nov 11
I don't believe I have ever had a miscarriage yet I find it hard to believe that I never got pregnant until the one time I did. I know that sounds really strange but the one time I did get pregnant (with my daughter), it was extremely easy. Based on failure rates for birth control when you don't use it consistently or right, I should have accidently gotten pregnant at least 4 previous times. I have a friend who is the same age as me, and she has two boys in college. I have another friend the same age as me and she has a 14 year old, a 12 year old, and an 8 year old. I could definitely have older kids those ages, that's for sure. Like you though, I realize if I HAD had kids earlier, I don't think I'd have the one I have now. She wouldn't be 'her', if she did exist, but likely I wouldn't even have 'her' at all.
@dorannmwin (36698)
• United States
7 Nov 11
With my first one, I really wouldn't have ever known were it not for knowing how the female calendar works. With the second one however, everything was confirmed when my body extracted her from me and I actually held her in my hand for a moment.
@ksherrie (891)
• Singapore
1 Nov 11
Hi dorannmwin, I just experience a miscarriage, a natural one. I felt the happiness of being a mother for only 4 weeks. Luckily for me, i didn't carry it(3-4 weeks old, no idea it's gender yet) for long, so not much emotional turmoil for me, and my husband doesn't blame me. However, I still feel sad and disappointed. I still blame myself for losing my would-be-baby. If my body hadn't been fragile, I might still be pregnant. But I do understand now that it's a natural way for the baby to go, it might have been worse if it was born with a defect or with an illness. I am now recovering and building my health and body so that I can be pregnant again. I might still think about it in the future. But thank you for this avenue to let out my thoughts and let me understand that it is normal if I think about my would-be-baby few years down the road.
@dorannmwin (36698)
• United States
7 Nov 11
My little boy was born exactly nine months after my daughter's due date. So it really didn't take me that long after I lost her to get pregnant again. He is five years old now, so it has been a pretty long time since I lost her, but I still do think about her.
@dawnald (84146)
• Shingle Springs, California
30 Sep 11
I have never had a miscarriage, but I expect that thinking about the children you lost is quite normal. I would think not thinking about it now and then would be much less normal. My condolences..
@dorannmwin (36698)
• United States
17 Oct 11
It is honestly one of the hardest things that I've ever been through. However, it is also something that I've learned to accept about my life.
@bounce58 (17524)
• Canada
22 Aug 11
I think as a mom (or just even a parent), you could never really get it out of your system. And I couldn't blame you if you always think about the 'what ifs' that would have happened. A year before my son was born, we had a case of a blighted ovum. So if that pregnancy would have been normal, my son would be 12 now instead of 11. He would have the same name, and I think exactly the same attitude.
@dorannmwin (36698)
• United States
22 Aug 11
The child that I lost between my two kids was a little girl. Therefore, I wouldn't really have Paul as he is now. Of course it would be odd because Paul looks really different from the rest of us and I don't know what Angel would have looked like. I imagine her as a feminine version of Paul, but then again that isn't really likely since Paul somehow managed to inherit the recessive genes in the family.
@erikmama (12929)
• United States
21 Aug 11
I Doran. I guess that you do feel pretty strange hanging out with his sister. And I can see how that would really bring up those thoughts. I did have a miscarriage many years ago. It isn't often that I think about it as I had it only 3 weeks after I found out I was pregnant. But I think that every thing happens for a reason, adn God knows what is best. I dont think that you are at all crazy for wondering these things. It was your child. It is only natural. I wouldn't worry at all!!
@dorannmwin (36698)
• United States
21 Aug 11
I'm glad to see that there are other people that have their little angels cross their mind from time to time. And, at first, hanging out with his sister was really odd, but now, it isn't because I realize that she is one of the best friends that I've ever had and he can be my friend now too. During this time in my life, with Tom's medical issues, having all the friends that I can have is a great gift.
@TrvlArrngr (4057)
• United States
20 Aug 11
I understand where you are coming from. I had 4 miscarriages. 2 before my daughter, 1 between my daughter and son, and one after my son. I have 2 healthy children and do feel blessed. No one really knows the emotional pain you go through unless they have gone through it themselves.
@dorannmwin (36698)
• United States
21 Aug 11
That is true and I also don't think that all people do have the same kind of psychological pain. For me it was and has been difficult because being a mother and having a large family was one of my only aspirations in life. However, I've only been blessed with two children.
@savypat (20246)
• United States
19 Aug 11
You life included a Mother's coinnection with these small lives. We never know why these things happen, I mean we can know the science by not the spritually behind it. Why give them such a short time, who knows maybe each soul needed that to complete their life experiences. But never doubt yourself for the feeling you still have from being touched by both thes children. Blessings
@dorannmwin (36698)
• United States
21 Aug 11
Sometimes the fact that I still grieve for them does make me feel like a weak person, but it is definitely not something that I would trade because I ultimately think that those experiences have made me a stronger person.
@katsmeow1213 (29044)
• United States
19 Aug 11
I've had 3 failed pregnancies and 4 successful ones. I've never once given any thought to those pregnancies that didn't make it. I couldn't tell you when they would have been born (never knew my due date). For one of them I can't even tell you what year it was that I was pregnant.. I know it was sometime between the twins and my 5 year old.. so it would be 6 or 7 now. My 1st failed pregnancy was also by someone who is not my husband. Had that pregnancy not failed I wouldn't be married today, because the father of that child is a sworn enemy of my husband. I also would be miserable because that guy would still be in my life.. maybe not romantically with me but he'd still be in my life. We'd probably be one of those life long on again off again couples.. because we were terrible for each other but at the same time we couldn't resist each other. Had the second failed pregnancy not failed.. I would have tried even harder to stop having kids back then. I didn't really put on the brakes too hard until I got pregnant with the 5 year old.. that's when I made hubby get a vasectomy which didn't work. After my youngest was born I got an IUD which resulted in an ectopic, and I had to have my tubes removed. Thus far I haven't gotten pregnant since then, knock on wood! But if that second failed pregnancy had not failed hubby would have gotten the vasectomy sooner and I might have gotten a tubal like I wanted to sooner. The only reason I opted for the IUD instead of the tubal was because at the time I was in desperate need of gallbladder surgery and I couldn't afford nor did I have time to schedule, have, and recover from 2 seperate surgeries. So I got the gall bladder surgery instead of the tubal.
@dorannmwin (36698)
• United States
19 Aug 11
Actually, a big part of the reason that I had my tubal after Paul was born is because of the fact that I didn't think that I could handle loosing another baby, it was so hard on me and only having a fifty percent success rate with carrying a child made me scared to try again. I love my children with all my heart, but I really would have liked to have had the opportunity to know my other children as well.