Marrying so they won't leave?

United States
August 23, 2011 8:27am CST
I just responded to a post here where my hostess said she would marry to secure the relationship and it got me wondering,do people marry Just to make sure their lover won't leave? Do people really think once they marry a person can Never leave? I never thought that. Maybe it is because being an American where you can get a divorce quicker than you can conceive and birth a baby , I Know if one wants out , there is one. Or maybe it is that I know a person can leave While remaining in a marriage. I mean tuning your spouse out 95% of the time. Staying at work late so you don't have to spend any more time together or even worse , taking a lover. So I thought the only way to secure your love is to Work at keeping the connection you two have! Not a wedding ring. Your thoughts.
6 people like this
26 responses
@GreenMoo (11842)
23 Aug 11
I guess the most people would think a little harder before walking out on a marriage than a casual relationship, but I think that once you live together and share your lives (and particularly your children), then you are as good as married anyway. I know very well how easy it is to walk out on a marriage. Sometimes it takes more time and effort to dispose of the property than it does to dissolve the legal union.
3 people like this
• United States
23 Aug 11
Question, does a couple have to have children to make their "causal" relationship a more permanent one? Because I know if you don't want to be a parent , you can leave both the child and your partner.
1 person likes this
@GreenMoo (11842)
23 Aug 11
No. You can have a permanent relationship with neither a marriage certificate nor children. On the other hand you can have children in a casual relationship, or with no relationship at all.
1 person likes this
• United States
23 Aug 11
Exactly!
@Rick1950 (1538)
• Lima, Peru
23 Aug 11
If you don't marry your sweetheart, others think he/she is free and therefore available for marriage. Then you better get married and, in the process, invite us to the wedding.
• United States
23 Aug 11
No way in hell! I will not marry Just to prove to others he is mine!I am not going to ruin my happiness just to please others! He is already mine , I don't need the permission from the State to say my guy is mine! And Even if I do marry , if he doesn't want me , he can and Should leave!If I Have to marry to keep a guy with me , then I will Never have a guy of my own! I rather be totally alone than Have to marry and stop being who I am! So no way in hell will I ever marry , especially a guy I love!
• United States
24 Aug 11
I just learned a new way to explain. I see marriage as a curse, the end of love. so for you to commamd me to marry my love means to me you want me to lose my love and I wonder why. Why would you want me to lose my guy by marrying him?
@Rick1950 (1538)
• Lima, Peru
24 Aug 11
But if your boyfriend, holding a ring, ask to marry him, would you deny that proposal?
1 person likes this
@koperty3 (1877)
23 Aug 11
Well I can agree with you. That if someone would like to leave relationship so married or unmarried this person will leave. I would never marry anyone just to "secure" relationship. No relationship is secure without commitment and true love.
2 people like this
• United States
23 Aug 11
Agreed And I think if the commitment is there , marriage isn't needed.
1 person likes this
@GreenMoo (11842)
23 Aug 11
If a relationship is so unstable that it needs to be secured with marriage, it probably won't survive anyway. Even if the couple remain married, the relationship is pretty doomed.
3 people like this
• United States
23 Aug 11
The true connection Has to be there Before the marriage. And sometimes if it i there a marriage isn't even needed!
1 person likes this
@rafiholmes (2898)
• Malaysia
23 Aug 11
yeah..i know what u mean.. i ever too myself have this kinda thinking..u know..marry so that your partner wont leave ya.. it might work sometimes in a very conservative marriages..sometime no.. it like getting a girl pregnant ..so u get to tell that the best thing to do is get married.. just my 1 cent mylot opinion..bla bla
2 people like this
• United States
23 Aug 11
It is a good opinion. With safe abortions and adoptions , getting her pregnant doesn't mean she will marry you. And even if she agrees , it doesn't mean she will love you or the baby.Forcing anyone to be a parent doesn't mean they will be a Loving parent.
@mods196621 (3631)
• Philippines
23 Aug 11
Yes i believe what you said there is no assurance of being married that you can hold your partner at all. If we used the ring or contract of marriage to hold him i am not sure it will do 100 percent guaranty but it should and not all are with the same thinking about this matter. The only thing that i know to hold them tight is the love and communications always. I am sad to think that i am not in this stage of love... coz i feel that i am still in this category but very uncomfortable to my age.. anyway love doesn't required age,, Just keep on communicating and loving your love one and for sure you can hold him,,,
2 people like this
• United States
23 Aug 11
I'm living proof that there is someone for everyone. Keep your heart open and love will find you.
@zandi458 (27953)
• Malaysia
24 Aug 11
There is no permanency in this world. Everything comes with an expiry date and even marriage for that matter do come apart when love flies out through the windows. It is love love love in the beginning but once one sign on the dotted lines to qualify for the married status everything seems to change. Slowly the foundation of marriage starts to crumble when individuals start to show their true colors and incompatibility begin to tear apart the love that supposedly bring two unknown people together under one roof. Marriage is not a bullet proof shield for everlasting love. It might instead be a curse to some people.
1 person likes this
• United States
24 Aug 11
That's it! I have always seen marriage as a curse, the end of love! Thanks. I now have yet another way to explain why I will never marry!
@zandi458 (27953)
• Malaysia
24 Aug 11
You shouldn't put the final nail on the coffin as marriage differs from one person to another. I can say marriage is a good life experience and it is our earthly duty to procreate and to continue human life on earth. Every couples need to work hard to make their marriages work.
1 person likes this
• United States
24 Aug 11
Then G-d should take me because I will not have a baby ! And I do shut the door on marriage for myself. I prefer to be happy thank you. But if others Have to marry and have children I wish them all the best . But to expect me to do the same And be happy you and G-d will be totally disappointed!
@inertia4 (27001)
• United States
26 Aug 11
I think people think that way sometimes. But these days, marriage is not on the top of the list anymore. A marriage license is nothing but a legal document. It causes more problems then it i worth. The best thing to do is not get married, live together, it's safer with less financial burdens.
• United States
27 Aug 11
Yes. I agree!
@inertia4 (27001)
• United States
27 Aug 11
See, we must be related like you said.
1 person likes this
• United States
28 Aug 11
My brother from another mother!
• Malaysia
23 Aug 11
The hostess sounds disgusted with life that she have to do whatever she can the easiest way but not in a secured situation. Not only American, people here on my side of the world also practice divorce the same way too, so easy but one bias side is if the man did not report the divorce then the women cannot marry anyone else let alone being with another person.
1 person likes this
• United States
24 Aug 11
No I think she is thinking once you are married, Nothing can part you. I think if someone wants out , they can get out.
@oXAquaXo (607)
• United States
24 Aug 11
In a way, her thinking is correct. At least, for the more morally-binded people. Some people in our country see marriage as a "moral bind" to your partner, so that leaving the marriage is the worst case scenario. You always hear about some people having "successful marriages" and others who don't try to "make it work". You can easily get out of marriage with a divorce, but many people see it as the last resort.
1 person likes this
• United States
24 Aug 11
oxAquaXo,So it is immoral to love and not get married? Ok! And that it is immoral to divorce? Really?
@applefreak (3133)
• Singapore
27 Aug 11
this has got to be the worst reason to get married that i've ever heard! why get married if the relationship is not secure? if the relationship is heading for failure, getting married will slow down but not stop the journey there. it will only result in more heartache and problems when the relationship fails. i have some friends who thinks the same. when they felt that their relationship is heading nowhere, they got married. when they felt that the marriage is getting nowhere, they have children. now that they are married and have children, they are unhappy. i don't know what they are thinking, but i'm definitely not going anywhere near where they are.
• United States
27 Aug 11
Neither am I! But then again I Knew marriage and children would bring misery to me! I think it makes more sense to work on the relationship than making it legal or adding more people to it!
1 person likes this
@bounce58 (17524)
• Canada
24 Aug 11
I used to live and work in Asia, which was predominantly conservative. And marriage was an institution that people felt strongly about. So I knew people that got married to stay in the relationship. All in the hopes that they come into the realization of the importance of their relationship, and that they work on it. Maybe it works there, but I don't think it works as much here in north America.
1 person likes this
• United States
25 Aug 11
It doesn't work half the time because we will not work on it.We fall in love and marry and assume that everything will just fall into place. We expect since we love each other we will be able to read each other's minds or agree on Everything . And when we find out we don't , instead of trying to figure out a way to live with each other or agree to disagree , we grow apart and the love fades. And then resentment sets in and soon there maybe cheating and then a divorce. But in the East, they Know there will be conflict. They Know it takes hard work to remain together. Is it because some marriages are arranged? Two come together without romantic love as the base? I don't know.But I can't shake the feeling that it is a key to their success rate in marriage.
@Galena (9124)
24 Aug 11
well it's obviously the wrong reason to marry. a marriage doesn't change the relationship. it doesn't create a bond where there was none before. it's a celebration and commitment to continue with what you ALREADY HAVE. not the creation of a new and stronger relationship. if you don't already have a fully functioning and committed marriage, then a wedding is pointless. that's how I've always seen it. we had the wedding to celebrate the marriage we'd built between us over the past decade.
1 person likes this
• United States
24 Aug 11
That's how it should be. The connection is there and the wedding is the celebration and the marriage is the same relationship as before. But for many marriage is arranged where the wedding is to make the bond. And for others they think it is Only love that bonds them and when the love fades , the marriage fades. Me? I believe in the connection, the true connection that includes love and friendship and common views, mostly but not marriage.I could see celebrating the love as long as I don't have to become a wife afterward.
@derek_a (10903)
24 Aug 11
In my opnion, this will only lead to problems later in the relationship. Different cutlures have different values, but I believe that if I am going to marry, I will need to have the right partner and be happy in my relationship. I don't believe that you can make anybody stay, and then on top of that make them love you.. Love has to be spontanous and that way it will grow as the relationship grows. _Derek
1 person likes this
• United States
24 Aug 11
I agree and for me love is too fragile to be mixed with marriage. I have always know I would have to pick between love and marriage. I chose love.
@haopee (494)
• Philippines
24 Aug 11
Your last sentences are true to its core. It's sad how people assume that a marriage is a ticket to security. In our country, we don't have divorce yet so it is hard for partners who no longer detest each other to separate. A relative of mine had taken more than 2 years to have his marriage annulled so most people no longer because it takes too long and cost too much just for these type of legalities. And its true. Marrying for the purpose of convenience and commitment are done often nowadays. I guess for some people who are down to their luck, they'll likely do it if given that kind of opportunity. For those who'd assume that this type of commitment is an easy way to chain their loves to them with the assumption that there's no way out, they should better think again.
• United States
24 Aug 11
Question.In your country, can a couple just separate, I mean the man live apart from his wife?
@walking2010 (1010)
• United States
24 Aug 11
When you marry make sure its for the right reasons now in todays world people say the word marriage and just like the sound of it and think that, that's all there is to a marriage, people mind frame is so messed up now when it cmes to marriage its sad of how the divorce rate is, we all need to get a clue, and go back to traditions.
1 person likes this
• United States
24 Aug 11
What traditions do you want to go back to?
• United States
24 Aug 11
This is generally a bad thing...
1 person likes this
• United States
24 Aug 11
I agree! Tell me why.
@laydee (12815)
• Philippines
24 Aug 11
I know how common it is these days to end a marriage. Even in my country where divorce isn't available, it's not keeping the couple from separating. Now, marrying to keep a person from leaving may not be something that one should think about. I am not an expert on marriage and stuff but I know that marrying for the wrong reasons is the first step to being separated after several years together. I say let the person go. I think it's better to let these individuals pursue what they want in their lives so that they wouldn't regret not doing something because you said so - nothing is more painful than regrets coming from an unsatisfied spouse. Have a great MyLot experience ahead!
1 person likes this
• United States
24 Aug 11
Thanks! You too.
@oXAquaXo (607)
• United States
24 Aug 11
If they want to secure a relationship by marrying the person, it's not even a healthy relationship in the first place. It just shows that you're a desperate person in need of a certain person who might not even want you back. And maybe you don't really want them either...you just think you do, and you accomplish this by marrying them. This is definitely not something that is right. Most people still think that marriage is a commitment. Once you're in a marriage, you've committed yourself with your partner, and many people see leaving that partner as the last resort. At least that's how it is here in the States. You can AVOID your partner, but you really can't SEVER the "relationship", because you'll always be tied with your wedding ring.
1 person likes this
• United States
24 Aug 11
You can sever the relationship just by not putting your heart into it. Yu can be there and have your heart elsewhere.
• Canada
23 Aug 11
Marrying to secure the relationship is almost as bad as having a baby to secure the relationship. As long as divorce is legal, it will always be an option.
1 person likes this
• United States
23 Aug 11
Even if it is illegal , you can separate, live apart and still remain married.
@JenInTN (27565)
• United States
25 Aug 11
I think there really are people that think if they get married they are securing the relationship. It certainly costs a lot more to get out than it does to get in. I have a friend that is going through a divorce and it cost him $40,000 to get out of it. I think you are right...the connection is what needs to be nourished and secured. If it isn't working while one is dating, marriage is only going to make it worse.
1 person likes this
@Rosa26 (2620)
• United States
24 Aug 11
I don't think a wedding ring can make the difference in a relationship, because when the other person doesn't want to be with you anymore, no wedding ring or marriage paper can stop that person to file for divorce,so I don't think there is a way to make the other person change his or her mind after they already made the decision to end the relationship. So those who think that getting married is the solution to not allowed him or her to leave you are wrong, because no papers or legal status can make the feelings of that person if doesn't wants to be in that relationship anymore.