Everything feels like its crashing down around me
August 31, 2011 4:59pm CST
I'm just having a rant really because I have no one else to talk to. I've been engaged for 2 years now. I desperately want to get married, settle down and start a family. Whilst my 'fiance' ACTS like he loves me, I dont know if he does because every time I bring up the subject of getting married or having kids, he goes really weird and comes up with about a million excuses as to why its not a good time. Well I guess he's the practical one, thinking everything through logically, but I'm nearly 27, and I feel like life is just flying past me. We've been together for 8 years and whilst I do love him, I am not sure how long I can put up with this for as I feel like I'm wasting my life, and by being with someone who doesn't want the same things, he's wasting his life too. Am I over thinking things or is it time I started putting the future at a higher priority than the present? All I know is that at the moment, it feels like if we split up now, I'd be really upset, and I would probably stay single, but also if we broke up, the first thing I would do once I'd sorted things out would be to apply to be an adoptive parent. All I've ever wanted if to be a mummy, but I'm getting a little scared now that it wont happen. Aaaaarrrghhh. So lost and sad. Just been upstairs for a private and very frustrated cry. Rant rant rant. Rant over.
• United States
31 Aug 11
I agree with Pam comment above. You have been with this guy for a very long time. It seems your values have changes and you are growing apart instead of getting closer. I know it not easy letting go and you are right life is passing you by. It is still you call whether to end it and find someone else who wants a marriage and children. You may cry all you want but it will not give you happiness or peace within yourself. Yes, you are frustrated and he knows that and does nothing about it because he feels you will never leave or let go. Thanks Unique16
• United States
31 Aug 11
You've waited more than an appropriate amount of time. It's not like you haven't been patient. I'm not a fan of ultimatums, and you don't have to give him any. But this isn't just about him. He needs to set some deadlines. A certain date where he has to decide the time to get married. You don't want to get to the point where all this time has passed with nothing to show for it. Especially if you're not even happy right now.
1 Sep 11
la_chique, You seem to already find no reason(s) to be in this relationship and hence, the last thing you ought to do is to put yourself in denial mode. Starting with yourself, you may want to ask if obligation is the only reason why you are in it, but before you decide that all is over, you might want to speak to him and trash everything. You might or might not learn that this relationship is truly over, but I hope you will be objective and realistic if you can see the outcome is not promising. Relationship is never static - length of relationship does not guarantee everlasting fulfillment or marriage. Learn acceptance. From there, you will gradually understand that acceptance comes from tranquil via the heart and the only voice you need to listen is nobody but yourself. Acceptance is important and necessary, at least you can work towards an amicable break-up, which is pretty much a mature way of handling issues, rather than avoiding and running away.
1 Sep 11
Hello la_chique, i don't think you are over reacting. It's just natural for a woman to think that way especially that you are in a relationship for ages already! 8 years, that's almost a decade already! Whew... I think its high time already that you discuss such things with him seriously. Being practical is good, but women needs assurance also not just love but also security for a lifetime relationship. let me share some experience with you... I also have a relationship before with my foreign boyfriend, we've been together for 10 years already! Though its a long distance relationship but our communication is good. He visits me very often, calls 3x a week, and chat everyday. As in distance is not a hindrance to our relationship. I loved him, and i could really say with pride that he also loves me based on all the things that he had done for me. We've talk about marriage, we even plan as to where will we live, how many kids in the family and many more.... But as to the WHEN will we get married, that we never discussed. I can understand that he waited for many years since i asked him that i still have to finish mu studies.. But then, i graduated already, landed a job and still i did not get an assurance. Am not asking for the assurance of his love because am confident about it, but what am anxious to know is my assurance as his lifetime partner. In fact i am already vocal about my feelings that i really wanted to settle down already, but seems like he still has many things to do, he still has many things to prove and more... Being practical is ok, i can understand that but everything has its own time and limits. and i was already nearly 30 when i decided to part ways, because am not getting any younger, and i planned to have kids. And i know that getting pregnant for older women is very risky. So that's it, we really parted, i guess we are not really meant for each other. Looking back makes me think "what if?" But then maybe the One Above has His purpose.. So for you, you better talk it over, better have a heart to heart discussion with him. Don't assume, spill it out. Then decide after. Good luck my friend.
31 Aug 11
8 years is too long already, some couples wouldnt surpass that long. i dont see the reason for waiting for more years. if he is worried about the budget of getting married then you can talk about taking a simple one. i just dont know about having a child. having a child you need to be financially ready and emotionally ready as well.i guess with him and his excuses is being a coward. me and my wife stayed in a relationship for two years then we decided to get married. we are on our 9th year already. then our child is 5 years old. it is hard to plan with someone who has too many excuses. but i guess you need to know if you are waiting for that wedding bells or not. you have the right to know when.