my father can't let me go
By sugaree
@sugaree (109)
Philippines
September 3, 2011 12:58am CST
I'm 24 years old and i just gave birth to a beautiful baby girl 5 months ago. I am happy having her and being with her father. I feel like I already have a family of my own. The only problem is, we cannot be officially called a family. Because the guy and I are no married. The problem is with my parents, especially my father. When he found out that I was pregnant, he started telling me that if he saw the my boyfriend he would kill him or harm him. He always told me that every time he gets drunk and it scared the hell out of me so i never let the guy go to the house and talk to my parents. I wanted so much to run away while I was still pregnant because I was scared that my boyfriend couldn't see the baby anymore after I give birth. But I was still hoping that everything will change once the baby is out. But I had false hopes. My father got worse when I gave birth. He wouldn't go to my hospital room if my boyfriend is there. He also threatened that my boyfriend would never see our baby once I go home from the hospital. I was so scared that my baby would be like my sister's baby who was never allowed to see her father and now learned how to lie to cover up every time she did. So i decided to run away. I am now living with my boyfriend and the three of us are very happy to be together. I know that my boyfriend wants us to get married. He has been very responsible as a father and loving to me and our baby. I love him so much and I want to marry him but I'm afraid that I'd only disappoint or hurt my parents more if I get married without their consent or blessing. On the other hand, I also know that what I'm doing (living with my boyfriend) is a disobedience to God.
What should I do? Should I stay unmarried until I get my parents' blessing? Or should I get married anyway?
1 person likes this
11 responses
@stary1 (6612)
• United States
3 Sep 11
Oh my goodness, you have really been through a lot. First, Congrats to you and your boyfriend on having the baby. Perhaps it wasn't planned, but it ‘was meant to be’.
I see God as a loving God who is compassionate and understanding that things happen in life that we didn't plan. He is always on your side.
Since you are already with your boyfriend I would think getting married would be fine and your parents will have to accept it in time. I am sure you are torn emotionally, but you do have a lot going for you. You are blessed to have a boyfriend who stands by you and wants to be a part of the baby's life.
All my wishes and prayers for the three of you. I think you are strong and will make an excellent wife and mother. In time I hope your parents come to appreciate the good person you are. God Bless
@sugaree (109)
• Philippines
5 Sep 11
Thank you so much.
It's nice to know that God is with me all the time, that He will always be with me no matter what. And I'm so thankful He gave me my little angel. She makes me feel that I can be strong despite everything that I have been through.
Thank you so much for saying nice things about me. You hardly know me but you make me feel good about myself. Thank you so much.
I hope everything is well with you. May God bless you too!
@stary1 (6612)
• United States
5 Sep 11
Thank you. I am glad you feel good about yourself and hope you continue to do so. I don't know you, but you seem like such a kind loving person and I feel badly that you have so much stress going on. I am happy to have met you even if only through the internet.
If you ever need anyone to talk to I am more than willing to listen.
You take care of yourself and that precious daughter of yours. I have 2 girls who are grown and so I how quickly time passes. God Bless
If you ever need anyone to talk to I am more than willing to listen.
You take care of yourself and that precious daughter of yours. I have 2 girls who are grown and so I how quickly time passes. God Bless@sugaree (109)
• Philippines
5 Sep 11
Yeah, I know right! My baby girl is growing so fast! It seems like it was just yesterday when I gave birth to her. I can't believe she's already 5 months now. She makes me so happy and she takes my sadness away.
Thanks so much for listening to me. It's so nice to meet you as well.
@PointlessQuestions (15397)
• United States
3 Sep 11
Hi Sugaree,
You are 24 years old? You are old enough to make your own decisions. You can't possibly hurt your father much more than he is already... and that is his problem not yours. He has no right to hold you back like this. This is all about control. I let my father control me and my daughter never saw her father until she was 41 years old... so don't let that happen to your child. If you want to get married, get married. Give them an invitation to the wedding... they will either come around or not. Most likely they will if they want to see the baby.
You have to live for yourself and for your family. YES you are a family whether you are married or not. Get married and live your lives. Do your best to include your parents, but if they won't behave themselves, let them know they will be the losers and left behind. They will be the ones to lose their grandchild due to their hatred.. or your father's hatred.
Your loyalty is to your family... your baby and your baby's daddy.. because you are a family with them.
@PointlessQuestions (15397)
• United States
3 Sep 11
I also forgot to say that your father isn't going to kill your boyfriend. If he wanted to kill him he would have done it already when he learned of your pregnancy. He is just running his mouth and controlling you out of fear. Forget his bullying and live your life the way you want to. Plan your marriage... and send them an invite.. let them know if they can behave themselves they can be a part of your celebration, but if they can't they should stay away.
@strawberrychocodahi (4818)
• Philippines
3 Sep 11
Where are the parents of your boyfriend? Don't they want to settle this once and for all and talk with your parents so that you and your boyfriend can live rightfully and the child would be legal. Think about the kid, if you are not married, the kid would bare your surname since you are not legally married.
Who is going to initiate the conversation to settle the matter? you or your boyfriend? I know that parents don't like the idea of you getting married to your boyfriend, but you two already have a baby girl and for your own protection in our law, you should get married to get the rights.
You really disobeyed your parents from the start, probably you are still not finished in your studies and is still depending on your folks when these happened. But, that is your life, you want to make it right, then parents of both parties should talk and settle it straight, not one way around that you will hide it again to your parents and live a life separated from them, you are just hurting your folks more and that is not good. Don't be selfish, think of your parents too.
@sugaree (109)
• Philippines
5 Sep 11
hi, first of all, thank you for taking time to comment. i am already 24 years old and i was already a registered nurse when i got pregnant. when i gave birth, my boyfriend's mother went to talk to my father but he disrespected her by saying, "don't talk to me!". When she told him that it was time for us to sit down and settle things because their grand daughter is already around, my father told her not to call the baby her grand daughter because it is only his grand daughter. He also told my boyfriend's mother that he would find a way for me not to love my boyfriend anymore. I'm not that bad of a daughter you know, even if i was scared that my baby would be like my sister's baby i never ran away the first time that i knew i was pregnant, because i did not want to hurt my mom. but my father was way out of control. i tried to go home after i ran away but when i talked to him, it was like he was making me choose between going home with my baby and leaving the father, or stay with my new own family and being disowned by my father. if you were in my place, would you give up your starting family for your father who never cared for your happiness?
@lacieice (2060)
• United States
3 Sep 11
As far as I can see, your father is just way too possessive of his 'little girls' who, acutally, are grown women. As long as you let him dictate your actions, he will contimue to do so. Time to stand up on your own two feet and let him know that you love him, but you are going to follow your heart and do what you think is best for you and your child. He may, in time, when he sees that you're happy, learn to accept the situation, but he might not. You must be prepared either way.
@sugaree (109)
• Philippines
5 Sep 11
Yeah I know. I've been wanting to live my life outside his manipulation since I don't know when. This time I think it's time to do that, not for myself but for my baby. I do hope that they'll learn to respect and accept my decision someday and I hope that they'll be happy for me and still love me despite that, because thats' what family is supposed to do right?
@recoba0608 (17)
• China
3 Sep 11
It will be OK when time passed,you must thing twice about the marry,if you trust him,love him and thinking that he is the guy in your life, you can make your own decision. Also, try to persuade your parents, after you married your boyfriend, and live a good life, I think your parents will happy fou you...
@sugaree (109)
• Philippines
8 Sep 11
Of course I love him. I trust him more that anyone else. I really hope that everything will fall into place someday. I'm not really sure if I can persuade my parents into accepting my boyfriend. I would like them to accept him not because I forced them to but because they see his worth and want me to be happy.
@WakeUpKitty (8694)
• Netherlands
3 Sep 11
Marriage (church or law) is something that did not exist at all at the time there was a god or as Jesus lived. this is an invention of human beings.
If a child has a father and mother who do love each other I don't think god will punish you because you are not married.
Also if you get married it's very hard for me to believe god will punish you because your parents don't give their blessing.
You are an adult already for 6 years! That you are/were afraid of your dad is not hard to understand.
It took a lot of courage to leave home with your baby to be with the father instead of staying out of fear and let your little girl grow up like you and your sister's kid.
Get married if this is what you both want. The blessings of an agressive, drunk father, who wants to kill the father of your child is worthless.
@sugaree (109)
• Philippines
8 Sep 11
Thank so much for the input on this.
Yeah I really also believe that God will still love me no matter what.
I just wanted everybody to co-exist peacefully for the sake of my baby. I also would not want my baby to ask me why I have a different family name from her and her father. I just wish I wasn't so afraid of him. Everything would have been a lot easier :)
@Keola12 (799)
• United States
4 Sep 11
In my opinion, it would be harmful for the baby to be around anyone who drinks and gets drunk. Both you and your baby are better off to be with your boyfriend than to live with anywhere near your father, since you've mention that he gets drunk. Not only that but your boy friend sounds like a nice guy. Not just a nice guy, but a good guy, and a descent loving humanbeing. Don't worry about hurting your parents. They need to respect the fact that you are an adult. They need to let you make your own descisions in life and trust in your judgement. You and your baby should stay with your boyfriend, where you will have inner peace. With regard to your father, based on all you've stated about him, there is no way you'd be able to have inner peace and peace of mind, what with all the stress he'd cause you. Use your own judgement and do what is best for you and your baby in the long run. You stated that you happy being with your boyfriend, in that he himself makes you happy, as does your baby. He's a good guy considering that you said he a responsible person and wants to marry you. I think you should accept his marriage proposal. As for God, he works in mysterious ways. He put love in your life with regard to your boyfriend. I truly believe God has a special plan for everyone. I truly believe that in the end, God would want you to do what's best for you and your child, when it comes to safety, love, and peace of mind. You and your baby have all this through the love and care of your boyfriend. And these are truly blessings from God in and of themselves. I wish you, your boyfriend and you baby the best. The three of you seem like a beautiful family.
@jazel_juan (15747)
• Philippines
4 Sep 11
I could really see myself in you sugaree. It was like that when i got pregnant and even till i gave birth to my daughter Jazel, who is now 6 by the way. I was 19 that time! see, it was worst. My dad was in the military and he is THAT strict. He was pretty furious when he found out - well furious is pretty tame word to use. lol.
He wont look at me in the eye, he wont talk to me ( for more than a year) He did not even go to the hospital when i gave birth, he wont speak to my hubby. It was painful and like you i felt hopeless and i thought it wont get better. But i guess it was their pride that got hurt and of course as a father they want what is best for us and what happened was not the way they want it. Maybe you just have to wait my friend. Time heals, and with mine it did. Can you believe it that before my dad wont speak to my hubby? We have not married yet..till now we are planning on october. anyways, He and my dad are best buddies now lol. They are the ones mostly talking than me and dad! My dad was like your dad as well, he do drink a lot and talk a lot after drinking..but it changed now. JUST PRAY. It will change.
But as for me and hubby not getting married, i do not think it is disobedience to God. For we are not hurting anyone, we LOVE each other and honest with each other. We are good parents and son and daughter even. Marriage is up to you and your partner. I never really waited for my parent's blessings, actually we are getting married whether they like it or not..but i believe they like it now. lol. They used to be opposite.now they want us to tie the knot. Just pray and it will change for the best.
@waflay (2737)
• Nairobi, Kenya
3 Sep 11
I think your happiness is more vital and so stand your ground,let your dad know the decision is yours for this is your future.It is healthy that the baby is raised by both parents but your child may denied this yet your boyfriend is ready to marry you.Don't let fear take the better part of you,so be principled and face it because you are not doing anything wrong.
@sugaree (109)
• Philippines
8 Sep 11
Thank you so much. I always feared that people will judge me because first I got pregnant even without getting married, second I ran away from my parents, and third I'm living with my boyfriend without marriage. But it makes me feel good that some people understand me, more surprisingly those who don't even know me in person. Thank you so much for making me feel good :)
@Ryanyuan123 (95)
• China
3 Sep 11
I don't know why your father is so angry with your boyfriend,which has not been so important. it seems that your boyfriend is a good person,a responsible husband and fater,a worth-marrying person. i think you make a correct choice. Time will change your father's view if he see that you of three are so happy.I belive that he will understand your love sooner or later. God bless you,a kind mother and wife.
@sugaree (109)
• Philippines
8 Sep 11
Same with you, I also don't understand why my father can't be happy for me that I found a good man. I can always compare him to those who got girls pregnant and left them. He has always been with me since the beginning and never left me despite how my father treated him. I also hope that he will get to understand me and accept me and my boyfriend sooner or later.
@memoking06 (1)
• United States
3 Sep 11
You should talk with your parents. Find a way, a time, and let them know what they feel, what you feel, your fears, their fears. Try to understand them and reasonable.
I wish you the best.
@sugaree (109)
• Philippines
8 Sep 11
I already attempted to talk to my father, I understand where he is coming from. Somehow I know how frustrating it is to see that you're children are taking a path different from what you want them to take. But I'm also hoping that they would understand me somehow, that this is what makes me happy, that even if I already have my own family, I still love them.
