He said "Never apologize, ,Never explain." and I am going" really, well?"

@Hatley (164652)
Garden Grove, California
September 23, 2011 10:36am CST
I was talking with a younger friend when we got on the subject of apologizing. He told me his motto was, "never apologize, never explain." I was floored as I was talking about when you have goofed royally and want to make things right with the person 'you upset.He felt that p eople who are always apologizing for things just make themselves look weak and stupid.I felt if I feel I have wronged someone it makes me feel stronger to know I fessed up and asked for forgiveness. I felt that if you were wrong, nothing is going to m ake it right until you do apologize. My self esteem would really sink if I just slunk off and did nothing 'to right my wrong. your take on this.
11 people like this
40 responses
@saphrina (31740)
• South Africa
23 Sep 11
Hello Hatley. Sorry sweetie, but i actually agree with that friend of yours. It's easier that way as most people in todays life will just do the same damn mistakes over and over again and one gets fed-up with apologies.
@Hatley (164652)
• Garden Grove, California
23 Sep 11
hi saphywell there is that too so maybe that was what he meant,to me if you are going to apologize mean it otherwise do not bother me. I know what you mean when people keep on doing the same old things then just think an apolgy will make it okay. bu t to me if I have unwittingly hurt someons or on purpose and am genuinely so rry I have to apologize.its jus the way I was brought up.
@saphrina (31740)
• South Africa
23 Sep 11
I know sweetie. That is what makes you such an awesome person.
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@Hatley (164652)
• Garden Grove, California
9 Oct 11
hi saphy thanks thats very sweet and makes me feel good.lol
• Philippines
24 Sep 11
If I'm wrong I just apologize, that's it. My girlfriend and I always argue about almost anything and I always lost the argument even though there were times that I felt I could have won because in the end, she always went soft on me. I don't want her acting up because it always made the situation worse.
2 people like this
@Hatley (164652)
• Garden Grove, California
24 Sep 11
hi frontvisions 101 oh dear you have rights too though.If I am wrong I also apologize but sometimes I feel like the other person is wrong and I am not , so apologizing then that could be a weakness I think that's what my son was getting at.we should not apologize just to get someone off our backs if we did not do anthing wrong to them.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
5 Oct 11
Yeah, that's right. Apologizing for nothing is pathetic.
• United States
23 Sep 11
I think apologizing for mistakes is a strong thing to do. Apologizing shows that you're claiming responsibility for what you did wrong instead of blaming others or just ignoring it. Yes, with certain things apologies get sort of old..but that's if you keep making the same mistake over and over. It's ok to make mistakes and apologize for them, just don't make it a habit and continuously do the same thing wrong. Also, it can make the other person feel a lot better if they have someone apologize to them. In a relationship that's how you make up after having an argument and it's comforting to know that the other person cares enough to say sorry. In the workplace it's good because it shows your boss responsibility for your actions and your boss will also realize you take your job seriously and when you make a mistake it really upsets you. To me, not apologizing is a sign of weakness. When you don't apologize, you don't have any sympathy or compassion for others and also you're not responsible enough to own up to your actions and claim your mistakes. I mean, I'm only 19 but I think your friend sounds a bit immature to think like that.
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@Hatley (164652)
• Garden Grove, California
24 Sep 11
hi courtknees you make very good sense so someone of your ageso always stick to your beliefs. my son is a good man and I have often heard him apologize for an error so I was floored at his remark bvut it was beause I had had an argument with a very unreasonable person who turned it around that I was in the wrong so I apologized to her as I was wrong too because I yelled at her in a public place but she had put me on a spot and humiliated me in front of strangers. He saqid Mom you should havenot apologized to her as she was in the wrong.You are too gentle." well really two wrongs still do not ever make a right but he is very protective of me.Hes not immature but he complicates simple things sometimes.He is very bright.
1 person likes this
• Grand Junction, Colorado
23 Sep 11
I don't see apologizing as a weakness. I think it strengthens your moral character. I appreciate a sincere apology. I give a sincere apology when I have made a mistake, forgotten to do something or said something that hurts someone feelings. I won't say more as I don't want to generalize.
@Hatley (164652)
• Garden Grove, California
24 Sep 11
hi beaniefanatic 13 I think it shows strength too as long as it is a sincere apology. I cannot rest until I have made things right when I made a mistake but I mean it from my heart I think my son was just fed up with some people who will insult you then quickly apologize with an odd sneer as if to say well accept my apology or else.' then you know that they do not mean a wo rd of it as the next time you get into conversation this same cousin would start bveing insulting and I would get upset.so she quickly apologized saying I did not realize you were so super sensitive.blah blah blah.I am glad she does not bother to visit us anymore.
1 person likes this
• United States
23 Sep 11
I am with you on this one. I feel like it is my right to say that I am sorry. I like to make sure I cover my wrongs.
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@Hatley (164652)
• Garden Grove, California
23 Sep 11
hi gifts I think he was thinking of a cousin of ours who comes to see us rarely b ut always has a way of insulting one and then apologizing when she does not mean a word of it.I feel so much bett er if I have wronged someone and I apologize as I never wanted to hurt anyone intentionally.that cousin is very slim and I am well rounded yet she managed to bump into m e, look me over like she was measuring myhip size then with a sneer say Oh I am so sorry I did not see you there. said with a sneer and upturned nose like she smelled you and you stank.
2 people like this
@RitterSport (2452)
• Lippstadt, Germany
30 Sep 11
Dear Hatley thats really a tricky subject. I have problems with apologizing and rather show with my actions that I am sorry instead of saying it. This stems from my childhood. I was forced to apologize for the smallest so called mistake but you bet when it forced on you with psychoterror its not good. Plus when I apologized then I got thrown in the face that my apologies (which were expected from me) are not genuine so I rather keep silent and hope my deeds make up for the mistakes.
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@Hatley (164652)
• Garden Grove, California
30 Sep 11
hi rittersport.I have seen parents like that and they are so strict they look like their faces would c rack if they ever laughed or even smiled. as you say psychoterror is horrid for a child. I can see how hard that would be now for you in making an apology.I was once forced by my boss to apologize to this smirking woman for saying sh.i.t. aloud several times while undoing a mess in the book shelves by her brat child. My super would not hear me that the imp of satan had literally screwed up four long shelves of' childrens books I had just shelved meaning two hours of work there. so I had to apologize or lose my job. this was really hard and I have never forgiven my ex boss for that humilitation either.
1 person likes this
• Lippstadt, Germany
1 Oct 11
dearest Hatley, my heart goes out to you for sure. I am a trained librarian with a diploma for public libraries and when I still was trained we also had to help out in various types of libraries.Sooooooo disorder in the shelves of kids books is somsthing that can drive one up the walls. Next worst case are these lovely subscriptions of updates which come in as "loose sheets" where you have to take out the old and insert the new........ Sigh. you sit and have a pile of them for the last two years no one ever bothered to file........
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@Hatley (164652)
• Garden Grove, California
2 Oct 11
hi rittersport oh yes, the librarian in charge of that once nabbed me and I sp ent most of my part time hours helping her with those and filing and inserting oh indeed she showed me how to do it then she went onto her other duties in reference while I did this for her. it was a real experience and someone had been careless and had filed in the wrong places so it was a challenging day.I so wanted to get a degree in Libray science instead I got a BA in English which as I did not want to teach has done me little good in my life.
@dragon54u (31617)
• United States
26 Sep 11
That young man is not going to earn much respect and will be known as a pompous you-know-what. Admitting you are wrong is not a shortcoming, it's a sign of good character and it lets people know that you hold their feelings in high regard. People who will never admit they are wrong miss a great opportunity to develop their character and a sense of humility, which is an invaluable asset.
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@Hatley (164652)
• Garden Grove, California
28 Sep 11
dragon whats so funny is I have heard him apologize many times if he felt he was in the wrong but my son was I think trying to tell me sometimes an apology is not needed when the person you got mad at really goaded you into losing your temper. so perhaps thats what he waqs after. he really does have a lot of friends too.thats why I was surprised to hear him say that as he is not like that usu ally.
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@dragon54u (31617)
• United States
28 Sep 11
In that case, he would be right technically but apologizing would perhaps make the instigator feel the shame that they should. Some people really need to feel shame and it can even change their lives. One of the worse things our society has done is take away the sense of shame we should feel when we are cruel, indifferent, or when we do things we know are wrong. Your son, what I know of him, is a good person and now that you identify the person as him I understand his point.
1 person likes this
29 Sep 11
dragon that really made me laugh.. i was trying in my head to come up with a word i would use to describe what this man sounded like and a pompous you-know-what perfectly fits the bill! lol!
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@GardenGerty (99448)
• United States
23 Sep 11
I think in some ways you are talking about generational differences. I will admit that there are people who apologize too much, so much so that it does not seem at all sincere. Generally if you feel you owe an apology, I would give it, it makes you feel better and sometimes clarifies what you had intended. It sounds like your younger friend is not mature enough or strong enough to face up to what he has done that is wrong.
@Hatley (164652)
• Garden Grove, California
23 Sep 11
hi GardenGerty I hate to admit it b ut that was my own son and I was floored and angry as I had not taught him that but I think he meant some people will endlessly apologize for something only to do it over and over and think its okay as long as you apologize after wards.thiry some years in our ages does make a few differences but yes he is a good man so I was confused .
3 people like this
@GardenGerty (99448)
• United States
23 Sep 11
That could be the case. If you know why you made a choice, and know that you will be making that same choice again, why apologize. I can see why you are bothered by it though.
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@Hatley (164652)
• Garden Grove, California
9 Oct 11
hiu gardengerty yes I had a co usin who would say the most outlanidhs insulting things to me as she felt I was a wuss then apologize and end u p making me feel that since I had flamed back at her I should also apologize but I only did it 'was., my son told me that I had done nothing to her and she had sutarted it as usual. I never knew why for awhile she felt she had to visit us as all she did was upset my mom and me both myson was in his teens then and he really disliked her.
1 person likes this
29 Sep 11
if i did something wrong, i apologise.. and thats all their is to it. i might not always explain why i did what i did.. because sometimes i might not actually have an explanation for why i acted cruel, or mean, or inappropriate.. but i will always apologise. i think it shows a true persons worth if they can admit their wrongs and faults.. because it helps them to grow as people. to me someone who cannot apologise has no inner strength.
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@Hatley (164652)
• Garden Grove, California
30 Sep 11
hi chicksdigscars Yes I was raised to apologize at once if I have wronged someone and now my conscience will not let me rest until I do apologize. If I do not then I will feel horrid and guilty until I do finally apologize.
@MsTickle (24962)
• Australia
1 Oct 11
What a great response Chicksdigscars, I totally agree with what you've said here: i think it shows a true persons worth if they can admit their wrongs and faults.. because it helps them to grow as people. to me someone who cannot apologise has no inner strength.
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@Hatley (164652)
• Garden Grove, California
2 Oct 11
me I do agree with chicksdigscars.
@Amanda81587 (3046)
• United States
24 Sep 11
I find no problem in apologizing and I do not see it as a weakness. I think sometimes we do not think before we do things and by apologizing and realizing that we were wrong will bring us a long way. Especially in a relationship. Girls do not like guys that can not admit when they are wrong and they do like when guys apologize for being jerks
@Hatley (164652)
• Garden Grove, California
24 Sep 11
hi Amanda me either as I realize I did wrong and I did not mean to hurt a friend so I do apologize and feel much better afterwards. but J have a pologized when I felt why do I ha ve to apologize to this jerk who insulted me to the piont of tears or getting angry. apologize for blowing my top, my son had a point that it makes you look silly. if i did wrong I am first to apologize but not to someone whose whole goal was to make me angry.
• United States
26 Sep 11
Hatley when it comes to appoligizing to someone for something you did not do then heck no do not do it at all. The other person owes you the apology. You have to play it by ear. If it is something you did that you know was wrong or felt guilty for then make sure you do the right thing that is what is important on your own conscious. As for the other person who needs to appoligize and does not then that is on him.
@nadooa247 (1096)
• United States
24 Sep 11
I usually agree with apologize when you wrong others so that you appreciate it when others wrong you and apologize. BUT i do agree with others as well. Don't apologize at all just move on. My pet peeve are those that refuse to apologize and when they do they do it like.. "im sorry but i really didn't do anything wrong". I fail to see where the apology in that is lol. Seriously? THAT is an apology? I think not. People apologize as well when they simply want to save face these days not because they mean it. I HATE apologizing unless i feel it is completely warranted. NO i won't apologize to your step mother for calling her a selfish idiot who thinks the world revolves around her. Because.. it's true buddy :P. When someone continuously does me wrong and doesn't think twice about it, why should i be expected to play nice? So now i take your friends motto and practice it but with a slight change. NEVER apologize NEVER explain EXCEPT when you wronged them for no reason at all. If this makes me a first class jerk so be it. The fact is some people are not WORTH the time or effort past a certain point. When i do something to piss someone off i most likely did so with that intention, and the same goes with anyone else. On the scarce occasions that this is not the case then yup, will be a grown up and say my apology with heart. If you don't mean it don't say it :P This was my rant lol hope you can bare with me because this whole apology thing came up recently with me and some people i know lol
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@Hatley (164652)
• Garden Grove, California
24 Sep 11
hi nadooa thats what I know now was behind what my son said as he has apologized to someone when he was really in the wrong. but as he said to give an empty apology when you know you were not wrong is to be weak and a push over mom. don't do it so I have changed. I mean why should I apologize to someone who not only provoked me but did it out of malice and would do it again if she was given the chance only she will not be.If I have wronged someone I will readily apologize and admit I wronged them but no longer an I a patsy for someone who teases me to anger then expects me to apologize for getting angry.
@nadooa247 (1096)
• United States
25 Sep 11
The only patsy is the person that got you angry in the first place and expects you to play nice forever without any real backlash as a result. You seem to be a sweet caring person and have raised a smart as heck son lol. Be proud of that and let that "person" deal with the fine young man's advice lol.. Hatley you're NOT a patsy.. now just don't go back to saying sorry(s) over and over as a habit. I find that it is almost automatic at times :s
@cynthiann (18619)
• Jamaica
23 Sep 11
I am like you Hatley. I would apologise and explain and once having had my apology accepted then try to correct my error and move on. hopefully learning from the experience. What your friend said is, to me, very bad mannered. We do want to make things right when we have made mistakes. This is natural.
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@Hatley (164652)
• Garden Grove, California
23 Sep 11
hi cynthiann it was my own son who is a really good man and I have heard him several times apologize when he was wrong but I think he was telling me not to apologize when in certain situations the other person wronged me but managed to make me feel I was in the wrong so I just would apologize anyway. but to me I was doing right as two wrongs between two people do not make a right.
@cynthiann (18619)
• Jamaica
23 Sep 11
Oh I am so dumb! I get it now
@moondancer (7434)
• United States
23 Sep 11
I feel the same way about it as you do. It takes a stronger person to say "I'm sorry" sometimes than to not apologize.
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@Hatley (164652)
• Garden Grove, California
23 Sep 11
hi moondancer yes as its not easy to say I was wrong so forgive me especially if you do not really know the other person well. I think he was thinking of people who apologize and go back and do the same thing to yuo then expect an apology to' make things okay again.
• United States
23 Sep 11
I do understand what he means too. There is someone I know just like that. The other day he did something again and said I'm sorry I won't do it again. I told him I didn't want to hear, "I'm sorry" because he doesn't mean it and when he can show me by not doing it again then I'll accept his apology. That I'm tired of him saying something he doesn't mean. This is what all I said to him.
@kitty42 (3912)
• United States
23 Sep 11
Hello my friend, So good to read such a great discussion from my friend, I must say ofcourse I agree with you being able to admit you are wrong says a lot about the person you are, will I just walk around all day saying I am sorry just for the heck of it NO I am a lady and I carry myself as such great topic hope to join many more.
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@Hatley (164652)
• Garden Grove, California
23 Sep 11
hi kitty42 wow I have not seen you in so long,. welcome back yes I always want to be able to say I am wrong b ut I think my son meant I sometimes take the blame when perhaps it was the other person who was to blame.So perhaps sometimes I do say sorry when I should not.I too try always to be a lady. I am so glad to see you back.
2 people like this
@kitty42 (3912)
• United States
23 Sep 11
Hi my friend, Always a pleasure to exchange thoughts with you my friend, missed you lots.
@jazzyrae (1747)
• United States
23 Sep 11
wow that sounds like a terrrible motto. I am only 18 so still young and i always apologize if i am wrong. That is just the polite thing to do. I cant belive some one would even have this as a motto
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@Hatley (164652)
• Garden Grove, California
23 Sep 11
hi jazzyrae yes it does to me too especially since I know this person and hes always so kind to everyone. I always feel better' if I hurt someone unintenionally and say I am so sorry. it makes me feel stronger.
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@jazzyrae (1747)
• United States
24 Sep 11
thats right in my opinion the weak do not apologize because they are to weak to admit when they are wrong. The strong have courage to tell people when they have wrongede them
@carmelanirel (20979)
• United States
23 Sep 11
I agree with you Hatley, apologizing makes one stronger, not weaker..Of course if the person who is apologizing for the same mistake over and over again, they need to search for a solution to why they are doing that and quit apologizing.
@Hatley (164652)
• Garden Grove, California
23 Sep 11
I think thats what my son meant bu t he really startled me. we did have a cousin who invaribly made us both feel we were beneath her and she always apolized for being insulting only to do it over and apologiZed again.I think that is what he was thinking. I hope so anyway.
3 people like this
• United States
23 Sep 11
Probably, because I know who apologize left and right, though I think they do this because they are insecure or something, but it gets annoying..
@bounce58 (17526)
• Canada
3 Oct 11
I think there is a flaw in your young friends analogy. That apologizing makes a person look weak. When in fact apologizing is actually a difficult thing. So when one does a difficult thing, I think it just makes them stronger. Not to mention that it makes for a better world when everybody that goofs actually fesses up.
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@Hatley (164652)
• Garden Grove, California
6 Oct 11
hi bounce the odd thing is he does apologize when he has done wrong b ugt he feels me his mom was wrong iun apologizing to this one t ime friend who belittled me and Isanpped back then she claimed I owed her an apology so I apologized just to shut her up and thats when he said that so I am sure thats what that was all about. lol
@MsTickle (24962)
• Australia
1 Oct 11
Hi Hatley, In my opinion, it's a guy thing. Not only will many, many guys not apologise or explain but nor will they admit when they are wrong, let alone take responsibility when, because of them, things go wrong. Many guys are basically uncaring and unfeeling.
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@Hatley (164652)
• Garden Grove, California
2 Oct 11
but the thing that baffled mw was myson is not a jerk and has always apologized when he did wrong so thinkhe meant that in one instance I had a so called friend who seemed to know my weaknesses and pushe my button teein my off then making me out to be the one who should apologize as I had retaliated calling her a few choice things.He felt that as she had started it she should have apologized to me. in that instance He may well'be right.since then I have stayed away strictly from this person. she is no longer called friend by me.
@milkyq (5)
• China
24 Sep 11
Hi!~Your topic reminds me of the lines in a TV play called meteoric garden, the pet phrase of the leading male is "If the apologize works, why we need a policeman?" I think that's the point. I hate the person who use of the apologize as a excuse for themselves and it seems every thing can be forgive if they apology.
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@Hatley (164652)
• Garden Grove, California
24 Sep 11
hi milkyq thats the point he was trying to make as I have seen my son apologize many times when he wronged someone. so he was telling me that those who use apologies to keep on doing the same wrongs are totally wrong and so insincere.an insincere apology goes over about as well as a lead balloon.
@mzz663 (2775)
• United States
24 Sep 11
I think by apologizing and explaining makes you a stronger person by self admittance that you aren't always right and can learn from your experiences. I would guess this young friend of yours will end up with very few friends as he grows older and will never understand why. I used to be the person that would get bumped into at a store and say 'sorry' I don't do that anymore. I quit being so polite to people I don't know and started to be more polite to people that I do know. I've noticed saying excuse me to someone I know or love is better than saying get out of my way. Makes me wonder how many people your young friend has run into that say he's just such an @$$hole....?
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@Hatley (164652)
• Garden Grove, California
24 Sep 11
hi mzz663 no he is no @sshole at all,he is 52 and he does apologize when he has done someone a wrong, but he is saying to apologize needlessly when its the other person who is at fau lt even if I lost my temper is wrong, and in that he is right,. why apologize when someone else has insulted you to anger?