Waiting for the opportune time to speak.

@dpk262006 (52353)
Delhi, India
October 7, 2011 5:35am CST
Hello to all mylotters! We all have our own grievances and grudges against our respective partner/spouse/boy or girl friend, as the case may be. Do you keep complaining about your grievances to your partner every now or then. Else, you like to wait for an opportune moment or time, when you could blurt out your complaints or any suggestions to him. Do you feel that it would be better to put forth your grievance or grievances, when she or he is in a better mood and peaceful frame of mind? Like-wise does your partner make complaints to you at an appropriate moment or s/he will tell you his/her grievance any time/any day, without bothering about your mood? My submission is that if there is any grievance, that should be brought to the notice of the other partner, at the first available opportunity because if we keep waiting for the right moment, we may not be able to express ourselves and the complaint may also lose its relevance. What you have to say on it? Please share your views and experiences.
7 people like this
19 responses
@Swaana (1208)
• India
7 Oct 11
We definitely have to put forth our grievances at the first given opportunity. But weightage need to be given for the type of grievance that is to be talked about. Certain things need to be talked only at the right moment else the whole thing might take a different route. I generally analyse the situation and the type of grievance then I discuss things with my spouse.
@dpk262006 (52353)
• Delhi, India
7 Oct 11
Hi there! Thanks for kick starting the thread. What are the special things or grievances for which you like to wait for an appropriate moment?
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@viju0410 (2286)
• India
7 Oct 11
I think the sooner the better as my case goes. I think we should talk and get things sorted out. Similarly, my husband too can come to me but of course before saying he makes sure that I am not busy at work or i can listen him carefully. Well every time it can not be a complaint but certain issues pop up and we just have to wait for the right time to open our mouth. There has been many occasions that I can't tell something in front of the kids or anyone.
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@dpk262006 (52353)
• Delhi, India
7 Oct 11
Hi there! I appreciate your point that certain issues could only be issued when either of the partners is not busy. It is also correct some issues could not be discussed when someone or the kids are not around. When do you find appropriate time to discuss tricky issues? Many thanks for sharing your candid views. :-) Nice to meet you.
2 people like this
@viju0410 (2286)
• India
8 Oct 11
Nice to meet u too and thanks for appreciating. As most of the members has said communication is necessary to make any relation lively and to keep moving on. If you ask me how do i handle tricky issues, I do tell him I need to talk to him and that too privately..sometimes it so happens that he take me for a walk and then listen to what i say. Other wise i talk to him in the morning hours when the kids are off to school and we are getting ready for work. We only get the morning hours of togetherness as at night too I have to take care of the household chores, children's school work etc etc. But I agree our opinions differs a lot and we do have healthy arguments even in front of our kids, at times. There is also another point, if at all you can share your issues with some close friend other than your spouse, sometimes, that also make us tension free or we may find partly solutions...not fully.
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@dpk262006 (52353)
• Delhi, India
8 Oct 11
You appear very practical and wise to me. It is always safer to discuss certain issues when a couple is going for a walk or kids are not around. It appears that you both have a fair level of understanding and you keep communicating with each others on tricky issues. It is very true that working couple with school going children hardly gets any time to discuss certain important matters, they need to steal time to talk to each other. You see opinions will always differ between a couple because both come from different backgrounds and it takes years to arrive at a uniform approach in decision making. Sharing some of our problems with our close friends (other than spouse or related to spouse) do help us a lot because our friends look at a problem from a neutral angle and render useful advice. dpk PS - have sent you a PM, pl. check.
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@kalav56 (11503)
• India
7 Oct 11
A good topic for discussion! As far as partners go, I feel it is the dominant partner who has "his"/"her" way many a time, though we idealistically use the word "equal" partners. It becomes a case of "be dominated " or "dominate" in many cases and I have seen one or two particular cases where there has been a failure to do what you have suggested and a flare up of bottled feelings after a good time. I have a liberal , noninvasive but "no-nonsense" partner; he will guard his personal space diligently but he is an extremely fair minded , straight person ; however ,I cannot complain if he loses temper at any point of time; that is the way he is made. SO I have come to terms with it; he will air out his opinion and dissatisfaction immediately whenever I did something to his displeasure. THis is valid not only for partners but in all relationships. THis has been my observation after all these years and it is also an area where I have continuously failed due to my patience and lenience with certain people right from my young days Now I have become older and have realised that being too sweet, emotionally attached are all construed as weaknesses and I have failed in some areas due to lack of clarity in communication and a forgiving nature; this has caused me some irrevocable heartache.
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@dpk262006 (52353)
• Delhi, India
7 Oct 11
Hi Kala! Thanks for appreciating the topic. May be you are right that a dominant partner will have upper hand in putting across his/her grievances and the non dominant partner may not get the requisite opportunities to convey his/her displeasure. What I gather from your response is that you showed lots of patience in your relationship and your cooperative and accommodating attitude was considered as your weakness. It means those are better, who blurt out their grievances immediately rather than waiting for an opportune moment.
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@kalav56 (11503)
• India
7 Oct 11
True. It is better to voice your displeasure then and there instead of waiting for an opportune moment or hopefully [ finally it would be a hopeless wait]wait for the person to regret or realise that he/she is hurting you.
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@kalav56 (11503)
• India
7 Oct 11
let em tell you; noone would realise it ; at least if we say things straight right then it would save our peace of mind.Leave it for later ; then the seriousness and relevance of the situation is lost".
@kiran8 (14197)
• Mangalore, India
7 Oct 11
Deepak, Ideally it should as you say ~! But I can tell you that such a thing happens rarely or at least occasionally.It is no doubt better to clear out the differences or grievances if any at the first available opportunity....having said that my own opinion is that it never works all the time simply because we are all not made the same way !
@dpk262006 (52353)
• Delhi, India
8 Oct 11
Hi Kiran! Agreed that we all are not same and conveying our displeasure on any issues always does not work out. However, if we keep it pending, waiting for the right moment, then also the problem will not solve. Thanks for sharing and dropping in.
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@kalav56 (11503)
• India
8 Oct 11
Kiran! I totally agree with you.We are all not made the same way and sometimes, if there is no agreement on a particular issue we have to agree to disagree [at least mentally] and make peace with it.In our country,by and large, I feel it is the female who does this .May be times now are changing.
@kalav56 (11503)
• India
8 Oct 11
Though I would also add that it would be for some minor nity gritty. If it hapens in major issues [misunderstanding] then the matter really escalates and feelings get bottled.
@Sreekala (18772)
• India
12 Oct 11
Hello Deepak, It really depends on the mood and situation. If I am so angry I will burst it out, as you know, an angry person’ can’t think wisely or the brain won’t work. Usually I won’t burst, for a peaceful atmosphere at home, I keep silent. If there is a funny mood or situation then I may tell the matter frankly and directly else I have to wait for a right opportunity. Over the years, I learnt, when to say, what to say and vice versa.
@dpk262006 (52353)
• Delhi, India
12 Oct 11
Hi Sree! I understand that you have become wiser and saner because you have found the ways what to say and what to say and whom to say. It is better to remain peaceful, when things could be settle down with peace. Getting angry sometimes precipitates the matters. Thanks for sharing your views.
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@Sreekala (18772)
• India
12 Oct 11
acknowledgement
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@dpk262006 (52353)
• Delhi, India
13 Oct 11
Many thanks for acknowledging. a correction - Pl. read - "what to say, how to say and when to say"
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• United States
7 Oct 11
I actually think that there needs to be a balance, and each situation should be evaluated to see whether or not it is appropriate to discuss at that time and place. For instance, if it bothers you that your partner leaves the toothpaste lying on the counter without putting the top back on, then it is most likely appropriate to address that situation when it happens. If they do not know that it bothers you, then they can't correct it, and it will only keep bothering you and the annoyance will keep building until you can talk about it. If you are out in public, on the other hand, and your partner makes a comment that you feel is inappropriate, then it is probably better to wait until you are in private to discuss the issue. If it continues, though, then you might want to pull your partner aside into a more private location and address it right away to avoid offending anybody. If it can wait, though, then it would avoid embarrassment to your partner to put it off until a more appropriate time.
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@dpk262006 (52353)
• Delhi, India
8 Oct 11
Hi purple! I more or less agree with you that sometimes the nature of problem could be such that it will decide whether the issue needs to be addressed immediately or could it be kept pending, as you have rightly pointed out about tooth paste issue. Yeah, if something is inadvertently remarked by the partner at a public place, it will not be appropriate to retaliate there and then itself, the issue could be handled later. The examples given by you relate to minor issues, however, if there is any serious issue, that should be conveyed at the earliest possible opportunity. Thanks for sharing your wonderful views.
2 people like this
• United States
8 Oct 11
I agree that serious issues should be addressed as soon as possible. In fact, the more serious the issue the sooner it should be addressed, even if it might not otherwise be appropriate to bring it up at a specific time. You could always pull your partner off to the side if you are in public to discuss it, so that hopefully it does not escalate from embarrassment due to being corrected in public.
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@dpk262006 (52353)
• Delhi, India
10 Oct 11
Yeah, you are right that ways could be found out to issue the serious issues, as soon as possible.
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@mimpi1911 (25455)
• India
7 Oct 11
Talking of old days, I was a spoiler. I admit it guilt free. just could not hide my emotions and the outburst used to be quite a moment for both of us. I have matured since. Now, I know, when to vent out, when to whine, when to be complaining. Having said that, I don't have a person to do all of that now.
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@dpk262006 (52353)
• Delhi, India
7 Oct 11
Hi Mimpi! :-) It means that you used to blurt out at the slightest provocation, without waiting for an opportun moment. I feel when both the partners try to dominate each other, situation could precipitate. Hope you have learnt your lessons through your personal experiences. Thanks for sharing your candid views. PS - mylot was slow today and no notification were being received through mail. When I started this post, surprisingly, there was no response till two hours, which was very shocking for me.
@mimpi1911 (25455)
• India
10 Oct 11
Hi deepak. Thanks for being the agony aunt. It helps really.
@dpk262006 (52353)
• Delhi, India
10 Oct 11
Hi Mimpi, I did not know it that I am playing the role of agony aunt ........ Thanks for conferring this honor to me.
@JenInTN (27565)
• United States
13 Oct 11
Hi Deepak! Great discussion! I think that it is very important to be able to express ourselves to our partners. Maybe not over every little thing because no one is perfect, but if it is something that really bothers me or is ongoing...yes..I think it should be addressed right away. The only exception I would make would be in the company of others. If it were in front of other people...I would wait until we were alone and then express my feelings. I would want my partner to respect me in the same manner. I think that I might also consider my own mood versus theirs. The thing is if I am in a bad mood...I know I might communicate in a way that might be hurtful or different than if I were just expressing the feeling. I might wait until I am calm and have my head together before I approach it. Sometimes the way we present a complaint can have a huge effect on the way they handle it. Take care!
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@dpk262006 (52353)
• Delhi, India
14 Oct 11
Hell Jen! Thanks for appreciating the discussions. I support your views that we should be able to put across our point of view to our partner and we should not hesitate in expressing ourselves. Yeah, when we are at a public place and in the company of others, we should not trouble our partner with grievances. Many thanks again for sharing.
@eurekafemme (5881)
• Philippines
12 Oct 11
Hello, Deepak, dear. I have to respond to this first before putting my comment on your respond to my post. I might forget to check again later because I have been all over the place lately. You know what I mean. I do agree with you that IF THERE'S AN OPPORTUNITY one must grab it in order to voiuce out the grievances. That's perfect timing then, dear. You have to wait for that moment, not pushing the issue right away because you only want to settle it immediately. Forcing it on your partner will not do you any good, it will not solve anything, only more frustrations from your end. It will make things worse. But, you just can't let yourself be silent for a long time or else your spouse will forget what the issue is all about. He might not take you seriously for not saying it soon enough. An opportunity will come even if you don't choose when. It is better to keep calm first especially if you knew that your spouse is not someone you can't easily talk to or open minded to understand how you feel and what you think, an in my case. lol It is better to wait for yourself to calm down too and not be overwhelmed by what you fell. In this way, you can carefully choose the words in bringing up the topic without offending him/her. It'll give you enough time to process your thoughts, too. Meaning, if it is really an issue or not. Sometimes, we just react based on what we feel without really thinking if there's really something to react or we can just let is pass away and forget about it , after all, it is no gib deal. You see when heart and mind is calmer, we get to process things clearly. Saving us from getting stressed as well as sparing our partners for feeling the same burden, too. *hugs*
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@dpk262006 (52353)
• Delhi, India
12 Oct 11
Hello Eureka! I know you are very busy and it gets difficult to spare time for responding to friends' posts, simultaneously. You see there is no question of forcing any issue on your partner. Can you force any issue on your partner, perhaps not? There is no guarantee that issue will settle, when you talk to your partner, when he is comparatively appearing calmer. You are right keeping mum and not venting out could be counter productive. You see if a wife can not muster courage to talk to her hubby because her hubby is not open minded and not interested in listening to his wife's grievances, then things will get more serious and its vice versa is also true. I more or less agree with you that when we are calmer, we could convey our feelings in a better way. However, in today's hectic and busy life, there would be a very few opportunities, when both the partners are calm and could iron out the differences. I would like to hear your story when you would be able to put your grievance(s) to him in a calmer state. Many thanks for sharing and explaining yourself in a candid manner. dpk PS - (Pl. read other responses, when you get time).
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• United States
7 Oct 11
Oh yes communication is very important in relationships and something we value a great deal at home. Waiting and or sweeping issues under the carpet so to speak can destroy a relationship as each time we avoid issues they keep mounting and mounting causing for destruction. I don't hold back and do take time to discuss anything that is not sounding and or feeling right with my partner. I am grateful that he too is very understanding and always willing to discuss. We are good about agreeing to disagree and continuing to compromise in such ways that both of us are satisfied. As for timing, we don't wait until one is in a better mood, we respectfully discuss right then and there as both of us have been with other partners in the past and know that unless we speak we shall not be heard.
@dpk262006 (52353)
• Delhi, India
7 Oct 11
Hi HWG! You both appear to have a very matured attitude and it sounds great to hear that you prefer to discuss the important issues as and when they arise, instead of hiding them under the carpet. I also feel that communication is better option than keeping quite and waiting for the right time. Hope you both have a very good level of understanding and you both will have wonderfully relationship. Many thanks for dropping in and sharing.
@umabharti (3976)
• India
7 Oct 11
Hello,yes we all have our own problems ,do have the feeling of caring aswell as enemies in and around us through out our entire life. It is good to share everything with a spouse not everything in every time,should have a limit and should do it with lot of love and care. It is a good thing ,to talk on some thing which is to be sorted out and get a solutions.Couples should have love between each other for this. They should have lot of understanding and caring ,they should be responsible. at the first available opportunity ,not always,becasue should always check whether it is the right time to say,in all aspects. waiting for the right moment sometimes can do wonders.
@dpk262006 (52353)
• Delhi, India
8 Oct 11
hi Uma! I appreciate your point that there should be love and understanding between a couple. However, I would like to know what should be the appropriate time to discuss some important issues? Do you whine or put forth your grievance immediately or wait for the appropriate time? Thanks for dropping in.
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@umabharti (3976)
• India
8 Oct 11
It depends on both the persons who are handling the marital life and the family.If some issues are to be in front of the entire family so they can be discussed when all are present,when actual there is togethernes in the family If an issue between a couple is to be discussed then they both should be able to discuss it in a sortin out or a finding way manner,not to argue or not to fight. There should not be an ego business or so called "why should i let her be the first to start" The other person sometiems really get annoyed with this kind of mentality. The person actually know the problem but he doesnt come out ,the women bears with a lot of patience ,then at once when she can never bear it anymore she shouts.She gets irritated with such character in the home. Husband and wife should be ,what u say "not friends,not lovers " the responsiblity of them is something more,than when compared to a friendship and love.
@dpk262006 (52353)
• Delhi, India
8 Oct 11
Hi Uma! It is correct that if it a family issue and concerns other member of the extended family, then it should be discussed in their presence. Needless arguments lead us nowhere, therefore, issues should be settled between couples amicably. You mean to say that as a woman you show lots of patience and you do not convey your displeasure at the earliest?
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@toniganzon (37339)
• Philippines
12 Oct 11
Hello Dee! When i have some problems with my husband i try to bring it up immediately if it wouldn't cause a big argument. I try to be patient all the time and as much as possible i don't want to fight at all. So when i have something to complain about, i keep it to myself rather than bringing it up and cause an argument.
@dpk262006 (52353)
• Delhi, India
12 Oct 11
HI toni! I agree when you apprehend that bringing up your grievance could lead to an intense argument, then it would be better to postpone the issue. Thanks for sharing.
1 person likes this
@ifa225 (11098)
• Indonesia
11 Oct 11
Hi.dpk sorry i am late the notifications just arrived today well i use to say openly whenever we are in home...no matter what his mood is... But when in the outside area,i use to keep my grievance shut. I try to keep his image in front of public
@dpk262006 (52353)
• Delhi, India
11 Oct 11
Hi ifa! I know that many friends would have missed this interesting post because of technical glitch, therefore, there is no need to feel sorry for you. It is practical to vent out immediately, when something is bothering you inside, instead of keeping it under the lid. It is OKay not to say certain things at public places. Thanks for sharing your candid views.
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@kkanaka (887)
• Singapore
11 Oct 11
I cannot wait till the opportunity comes, I have to blow up immediately if I am fused up about something. But I wont do that if he is not in a good mood and needs my attention, I will wait till he pents out and then wait for a time to tell him about my frustration. Its not a good idea to keep 30 things in your mind, wait for the correct moment and tell all the 30 things you dont like about your partner. I think that is unfair to him/her. Instead if you keep telling him/her every now and then, it should ease out the pain and the burden will also be less. My husband also does the same thing. If he doesnt I force him to tell me what is bothering him.
@dpk262006 (52353)
• Delhi, India
11 Oct 11
Hi KK! It is wiser on your part that you do just blurt out and do not wait for the right or wrong opportunity to convey your displeasure. You see if you say that you check his mood, it means that you always do not convey your displeasure immediately to him? I agree with you that all the issues should not be piled up and thrown at him at once. Many thanks for sharing your candid views.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
11 Oct 11
hi dpk, I say whatever I want to say specially if I think I need to vent it out Saying what you truly feels is good besides we can't always have a patience to everyone happy mylotting
@dpk262006 (52353)
• Delhi, India
11 Oct 11
It is good on your part Bhaby that you just do not like to wait for an appropriate opportunity and immediately vent out, if you do not like it. Thanks for sharing.
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@patgalca (13811)
• Orangeville, Ontario
10 Oct 11
I am ashamed to admit that I just reveal my feelings as soon as they come up, to the point of embarrassing myself and even my husband. I really need to control my mouth. My husband does not respond, which I guess makes me angrier and make more of a scene. If my husband is bugged about something he waits until, well, the issue is brought up. He will ignore something rather than have a confrontation with me. I should take some pages out of his book. He is cool, calm and collected and I can be a hot head when I get pissed off. I guess I feel that if I wait until later I will forget what I want to say. Or maybe I feel being aggressive will get my point across more. I don't know. I should keep my mouth shut.
@dpk262006 (52353)
• Delhi, India
11 Oct 11
Hi pat! There is not any need for you to feel ashamed to admit anything here. Yours is practical approach and it is better that you vent out your feelings without bottling them up. I think your hubby is cool because we you are venting out and he also starts shouting, things will get worse and issues won't resolve. Thanks for sharing your candid views.
1 person likes this
• United States
10 Oct 11
I am so lucky! My guy listens to me. I feel comfortable enough to discuss Anything! So When I have a grievance I mention it And he listens and helps me makes things right. but then again we were friends Way before we fell for each other. So it is so easy to just talk things out!
@dpk262006 (52353)
• Delhi, India
10 Oct 11
Hi! You are lucky that you have a very understanding guy with you and you could always come out with your grievances without any hesitation.
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@jaiho2009 (39084)
• Philippines
7 Oct 11
I always speak what's on my mind. I am not demanding, but yes, I do complain when I am treated bad or being ignored. It's not grievance, it's speaking out your thoughts and expressing feelings and emotions. It is better to speak soon as possible than keeping it inside for a longer time. Keeping what you feel and keeping in silence will lead to hatred or anger. This is my view on this matter. have a good day
@dpk262006 (52353)
• Delhi, India
8 Oct 11
HI JAI ! I know it that you are very bold and you will blurt out your grievance or emotions, at the first available opportunity. Bottle up feelings could be dangerous and could lead to larger scale of dissatisfaction. Thanks for sharing your candid views.
@mayka123 (9549)
• India
19 Nov 11
Dont you think that everytime we keep complaining to your partner the partner will also get fed up. I think one should wait for the right time. That does not mean wait for days together but wait and see that the partner is in a good mood to listen and understand what you have to say.