If a person cheats will they always cheat again?

@curmont (343)
United States
October 29, 2011 10:25am CST
People say once a cheater always a cheater, do you think this is true? Can a person really change and become faithful after having an affair or are we just setting ourself up for further heartbreak by forgiving infedelity? I am trying to find a way to trust my husband after he had an affair more than a year ago, I would like to believe that he is truly sorry for what happened but I cant help but worry that it will happen again, what do you think can people change?
5 people like this
22 responses
@Tmulley (91)
• United States
29 Oct 11
Well I have also had that happen to me, we are not married but we have been living together 4yrs and he did cheat on me...more than once and he did a 360 degree turn (thank GOD) but it was definitely hard and it took me a long time to get over it. I blamed myself then I was angry, and probably 100 other feelings came out but one day I just decided that I had to get over it and let him try to "RIGHT" what he did wrong and change on his own. I truly saw it for myself that "HE" wanted to change not that I was trying to force him to change. I had to find strength to believe he wont do it again and actually believe it. We are all human so we make many bad decisions and mistakes in life but we all have to live and learn. So believe he will never do it again and you truly start to feel it in your heart...thats how i do it and i have never been happier. I look at it as anything of corse is possible...but for now i look to the good of it and the bad memories stay far away...they never go away, of corse but you gradually learn to appreciate the trials you face because it has made me extremely strong! And i am so proud of that :)
• United States
30 Oct 11
This is a really nice response. I wish I could have believed in this myself. I am living proof a person can change. I cheated when I was young and dumb and this day and age I am faithful. I don't think there is a man out there this time around that could get me to cheat. I think we all have to grow in our own time and way. I hope t be with my man four years and more. Take care.
• United States
29 Oct 11
There really isn't a all around broadened answer to this. Everyone is different. However, if you just accept the person who betrayed you back into your life with open arms, they'll probably feel like they can just do it all over again like it's a "get out of jail free" card. You need to make them work for your forgiveness until they felt at least SOME of the pain you felt, or else it is not fair.
@curmont (343)
• United States
29 Oct 11
I agree, and we had seperated for several months after his betrayal , over time I choose to forgive him and let him come home but I am finding out that the forgiveness was the easy part, learning to trust him again is a totally different issue which is proving much harder to do.
1 person likes this
@jdyrj777 (6558)
• United States
31 Oct 11
Forgive and forget. While forgiving is easy forgetting is not. What is ment by the forgetting is to act as though it never happen by not mentioning it. You cant help to keep a watchful eye. But dont say anything. If it happens again get out of the relationship. Ive seen females just keep putting up with a cheating partners just because they have many children.
@curmont (343)
• United States
31 Oct 11
Thank you, and yes I def have my eye on him, it is discouraging tho with all the people who are unfaithful now a days. I can honestly say I have never been unfaithful to anyone that I have been in a relationship with so it is hard for me to understand why people behave that way. The world is a scary place with so many diseases and crazy people hurting and killing each other I do not understand how people can give of there bodies so freely. I just wish marriage held the same sanctity that it once did, I feel I am of a dying breed sometimes.
@jdyrj777 (6558)
• United States
3 Nov 11
I dont know why males do it. Im femalea and have been in relationships where i have cheated and some where i have not. The times i did. I wasnt cheating with a stranger. I did it because of after discovering my partener cheated so i then considered myself free and available. Or other times i was not really in love.
• United States
29 Oct 11
I think it depends on the situation. Everyone deserves a second chance, for one thing. If he has proven to you that the affair is over, has cut off contact with the other woman and has never had any issues with it in the past, then it's probably safe to give him another chance. I dated a man once who was never faithful. We lived in different cities and talked all the time but only really saw each other on the weekends. After it ended, I found out from Annie (the girl who came after me) that he'd had other girlfriends from the time he started with me until Annie found out about it. He is an example of someone who doesn't deserve a second chance. I believe he could find his soul mate, love her more than life, and still be tempted to cheat.
@curmont (343)
• United States
29 Oct 11
I am sure he cut off all contact with the woman in fact we have relocated from new york to florida since his affair for unrelated reasons
@kaeirole (669)
• Philippines
29 Oct 11
it's so hard to give trust to someone especially if he broke it.. for me, you must 1st forgive and forget..forgive your husband's infidelity and forget the pain he gave you..i'm sure you still love your husband..give him time to win back your trust..start again..never always think of what he did to you, especially when your having doubts again..it will relive the pain..i'm sure he's doing his best to win back your trust again..although you can't give him full 100% trust right away..but time to time, your trust to him improves..just let time do it.. people always change..as long we're alive, we have the chance to change..
@curmont (343)
• United States
29 Oct 11
You couldn't be more right we all change all the time, its a wonderful thing that people are capable of but it is also so scary at times because we can not control the changes other people go through and sometimes those changes bring us closer to those we love and sometimes they cost us those we love
@sjvg1976 (12674)
• Delhi, India
29 Oct 11
Hello curmont, It depends on person to person some people are like dog's tail which always remain bent throughout life how much effort you make it to straighten it up. There are some people who improve/change themselves when they realise it that they really have done something wrong.So realisation is what matters if they don't realise it they won't improve themselves or never be serious in life. In your case you are the best one who can judge your hubby.May be you need to watch your hubby's activities closely that will give you a clue in which category your hubby falls in.
@curmont (343)
• United States
29 Oct 11
Thank you for that advise, I guess the big issue then is that I already misjudged him once, how is one to be sure they are making the right judgement in the future
• Philippines
29 Oct 11
Oh my. Can I ask you something? If you have found out that your husband is cheating on you before you were married, would you stick with him and just forgive him on what he have done or would you an honest to goodness person who is truly faithful? Anyway, that's the thing about trust, once its broken, there is now way to fix it again. Suspicion will always creep in. And this could lead be serious problem in your relationship. In my opinion, if my girlfriend cheats on me, I would end our relationship then and there. I would not even ask for her explanation. If I don't do that and just forgive and forget what she have done, I would always be suspicious about her actions. I would always think that there is some third party even if there is none. I would never be fully trusting her again. But I know you can't just end your relationship since you are married and things are more complicated at that stage especially if you have kids.
@curmont (343)
• United States
29 Oct 11
He did not cheat until after we were married and in fairness the cheating occurred during a very stressful time in our marriage right after the loss of out newborn son. I know we were both going through alot at the time and we were not getting along very well because of it but it def is no excuse for his behavior. The truth is if he would have cheated before we got married I never would have married him he would have kicked him to the curb without thinking twice but being married does complicate things and I dont want my marriage to fail.
• Philippines
7 Feb 13
This depends on the characteristic of the person; if he/she is innate to make a trouble in the relationship process then definitely he’ll end up making the same mistakes over and over again. But if that person was just triggered by temptation by giving him/her another chance and he changed for the better then probably he/she won’t do the same mistake again. But like I said, this depends on the person since we all do have different personalities.
@stanley777 (7176)
• Philippines
12 May 12
I am not really sure abut this, but it could be. Since if a person has cheated once, and got away with it for a long time, he or she might feel he or she can do it again and even be more careful.
@hot21nc (46)
• United States
5 Nov 11
well he was totally wrong. but if your still there you have to move on. i know thats its in your head but your still with hm so give him a fair chance. what happen in the dark will come to light. trust god he will always show you whats going on. dont pin him dont or do alot spying. it will only cause problems if he catch youdoing it.
• United States
1 Nov 11
No. Once a woman hits the wall (she ages), she won't be able to cheat even if she wanted to.
@macayadann (1235)
• Philippines
30 Oct 11
There are those who make cheating for fun but there are those who take it seriously to keep on doing it again. Trust once lost is really hard to find and take back again. Just believe in yourself that you can carry life alone without him, have confidence that you can stand without him. Respect yourself, distinguish your self esteem. Usually, when these things are lost in you, jealousy thrives within you,puts you down and pain will never heal. Let it go back normally and start all over again. If he does it again let him choose, give him options or set him free and have distance far from him to analyze your feeling that is still left for him, if it can still be nourished or survive.
@di44ito (496)
• Bulgaria
30 Oct 11
I think that it`s all about the person that have cheated. Some people will cheat again no matter what, but there are people who will not do this again, they just made a mistake one and will never do this mistake again. I don`t know it`s my opinion, but i think that people are not always bad as others think.
@enelym001 (8333)
• Philippines
30 Oct 11
Yes I do think it is true. I know it's wrong to judge people, but I usually don't trust people who cheats. No matter how I forgive and forget what has been done, I tend to go back and think about the mistake the person did in the past. I am not sure if you read about my discussion about a topic same as this though I entitled "would you take back your husband if he have abandoned you?" The guy came back and is convincing everyone that he did not cheat, but we have managed to find some other proof of his lies. My sister's cousin even noticing changing his sim card once in a while and heard he was talking with a woman on the other line (she was talking so loud her sound's so clear) and asking him who was he with... and he said, it's just sister-in-law. my cousin is out of the country, that's the reason he had the guts to come back and see his kids to make them believe he is no cheater.
@jdex_143 (1094)
• Philippines
30 Oct 11
I think, that is partly true but it varies from person to person. You know what, that is the very difficult part of it. We can't really make the other person do what we want him to do. That's because he has his own views and the like. If he tells you that he won't do it anymore, we can't really be assured with that statement because our eyes are not on him 24/7. But I believe that people can change. If they just wanted to.
30 Oct 11
No body is perfect, everyone make mistakes sometimes. That's why I think people deserves to get second chances. And I dont agree with the saying once a cheater will always be a cheater. Because I believe that people do have the capability to change, and to learn from their mistakes. Its hard to accept when a person cheats, but if they admit that their wrong and that they're truly sorry, then it's good to try to forgive them and try to move on.
@deliar (609)
• Indonesia
29 Oct 11
No, i think is false. People can change when they have will to change. so it depends on the will for each peaople. Every person can be better human in the future. i think you should try to believe in your husband, i kow you worry about him, but try to trust him, and think that he really loves you. And leave it to GOd decision. so cheers up. :D
@WakeUpKitty (8711)
• Netherlands
29 Oct 11
It depends on what kind of cheat it is and how it happend. If it became a kind of habit I do believe once a cheater always a cheater. Even if it started out of a lack of love or attention or the need to feel people are still falling in love with you. Some people are just addicted to the hunt and catching game. Personally I don't think a person can change. A fox can get old, get grey hair but it will never change it's habits. Also... since you ask this question it's already reason enough to believe you don't have the faith/trust in that person. So no matter if that person would change or not cheat at all you will always be suspicious. And this feeling will kill you sooner or later + the relationship.
@Mashnn (4503)
29 Oct 11
That happens in most cases, though others are usually remorseful and never repeat it again. It depends on the type of person also.
• Romania
29 Oct 11
Some people change, some people don't. I know someone who used to cheat on his girlfirends all the time but now, he just found a great girl and he doesn't want to hurt her feelings. After he met her, he changed in a way nobody would ever think.