This is so frustrating

November 25, 2011 2:34pm CST
My parents have bought a house for my sister and her boyfriend and it needs a lot of refurbishment. As my partner is still looking for work I said he may as well help them when he can. The problem is we have a lot to do at home too. And I am working 2 jobs from home, so I need him here to help out with our 3 kids when I am really busy. I don't mind if he goes to help for a couple of hours, but when it turns into 6 hours and I can't get anything done, that's a problem. We are in the middle of refurbishing 3 rooms in our own house, but my parents expect him to come running when they call, and he DOES! I'm torn because I do want to be able to help the family, but at the end of the day we have our own family and our own lives to get on with, and its very inconvenient for me when they just drag him off for hours.
3 people like this
10 responses
@mr_pearl (5037)
• India
25 Nov 11
Hello Marianne.. I think you need to talk to your family members and also your partner. Seems as if no one is able to understand that you also need help. And that is why they don't pay attention either... I think, you should have a conference with them and explain your point of view and troubles.. I am sure they will come up with something better... :) Good Luck!
1 person likes this
• United States
25 Nov 11
I agree. I suggest that they give equal time or near equal time to her and her partner's needs also.. and this might open the eyes of her family.. and maybe they will offer help, or at least not ask so much of her partner.
• India
26 Nov 11
From the narration in your OP of this I see that the whole thing of offering of your partner's time for helping your parents/your sister could have been handled a little better. Its not a good way to be equivocal and then suffer. You felt for your parents' responsibility and thought you could be good to them. But you should have got priorities figured out very well and the same should have been communicated to them leaving no room for ambiguity. Even your partner needed to know your priorities very clearly upfront. It happens to most of us several times. We fail to make up our mind on our priorities and keep things fluid. There is no need to be blunt or harsh but what is possible & what is not should be stated politely but firmly. I am no exception either as far as past is concerned, but now I am quite clear in stating things upfront. That of course is some lesson learnt which I shared. As for the current problem on hand, it is better everyone involved & affected should sit together and talk it out very clearly, with no hurt feelings for anyone. This may clear things up, I suppose. Good Luck!
29 Nov 11
I understand what you're saying, but the deal was my partner would help when he had the spare time. He is now running every time my dad asks him to and its become a real inconvenience to me, because with 3 little ones at home I can't get anything done when he isn't here.
• India
30 Nov 11
Well, what I sense is that for some reason, every one but you has a soft corner for your sister's sake. You may reflect on this a bit more and try to win them over gradually by convincing.
@SIMPLYD (73083)
• Philippines
26 Nov 11
It would have been better, that you and your partner would have compromised as to how many hours he may share in helping them. You should have honestly told them that you too have lots of things to do at since you have 2 jobs at home and the 3 kids to manage. They would understand if that is the case. Maybe you didn't lay your cards down before permitting your partner to help. Communication is always needed in doing things done.
27 Nov 11
My mum understands but my dad, though he;s a wonderful man, has a flaw. He expects everyone to drop everything when he asks them to. We have had many arguments when I have refused to reorder my life to fit his plans... but my partner doesn't like to disappoint my dad
@SIMPLYD (73083)
• Philippines
28 Nov 11
I think you should do some drama with your father. Maybe you can appear pathetic and say that you need his help too, in managing the house. After all, he is your father, and is a human being. He will melt.
@sid556 (31018)
• United States
26 Nov 11
Your partner needs to learn to say "no" from the sounds of things. You say that he is looking for work and I'm wondering how he he could have time to look for work when he is expected to help everyone else do their jobs for free. Forgive me if my assumptions are wrong here...I'm assuming that he is helping your sister's family out for free. As for him helping your family out, what happens if he gets a job and you have to do your work around the kids without his help anyway? I feel like I'm missing some important parts to the story here.
27 Nov 11
I thought he was doing it for free but then he told me my dad had paid him. So that's not so bad. It was more that it messed my schedule up than anything else because I didn't know what was happening, nobody bothered to tell me. When he gets a job I will re-adjust to the way things were before he lost his job.
@airkulet (2705)
• Philippines
26 Nov 11
Try to ask someone or pay someone to fix the house for all of you. But your sister's boyfriend should be the one that helping managing it since it will become their own house in the future. He needs to be polite and offers his help. But in your story it seem like he does not care at all and looks like you're gonna have a prob with him in the future. So tell also your sister if his boyfriend is the one to get married maybe she should think again.
27 Nov 11
Where did you get that from? He is working on the house too
@dorannmwin (36608)
• United States
30 Nov 11
I actually know what you mean by this because whenever my husband's parents call and want him to do something for them, he has to go running to them immediately and this has led to the detriment of things that I've wanted to get done a few times. With that said, you really need to let your partner know that you don't mind him helping your parents, but the thing is that he really needs to think about his family first.
@bingskee (5238)
• Philippines
26 Nov 11
i think you have to talk to your parents and to your sister. you and your husband should focus more on your family needs. it is not bad to help but not to the point of losing time for the family.
• Philippines
26 Nov 11
i think you should tell your parents about the situation and also your sister..i'm sure they will understand its your family.. remind also your husband about his responsibilities in your own home your husband looks so helpful and industrious i think theres gonna be less or even no problem about it..
• Indonesia
26 Nov 11
Your should have known what they did. They can't just do it whatever they want. You all know that he was there for a help nor for work. Anyway, would they pay your friend for doing the help? What was the agreement between your family and your friend? It is only the matter of help and I think no one will surely do to help like he who work for a company and we must know it. Since you said your friend came to give a hand, your expected him more to do. Your friendship could be ruining if you were not hurry to stop it.
• United States
25 Nov 11
Hi Marianne, I can see your dilemma. You might suggest that if your boyfriend helps your family, then someone from your family should put some hours in for your needs also. It would be only fair, and then it might also make your family depend more on themselves and not rely so much on you. If they knew how much your partner is needed at your home, maybe they would not ask so much of him. I think you need to have a meeting that is honestly stating the facts and the problems with the situation.