I jokingly ask him if he would marry me and he said no

@Aja103654 (5658)
Philippines
December 1, 2011 9:18am CST
Usually, I just joke around him with this question. I would ask, 'Do you really plan to marry me?' and he'd say yes. so when i asked again, out of boredom, the answer wasn't so pleasant. he said, NO, a big NO, and told me he had dreams that he needs to accomplish first and that he would marry me at a later time. I knew about this already but still felt upset. He could have said, yes, but later or simply say 'not yet' I completely understand he have dreams too, i actually have the same plans. it's just that he made it sound as if i was pressuring him and wanting him to marry me instantly. I never intend to do such things to him. He of little faith... argh of course, i have dreams of my own and of course, i don't plan to marry him immediately. I'm too young for that serious kind of commitment. I'm well aware of all this. I wished he didn't have to say No like that. a simple no would have been fine. BUT he made me sound like a crazy and insensitive woman who is not concerned about his goals in life and is only trying to marry him right away. i was just curious if he'd answer yes again and drop the subject, just a little curious. darn, was i disappointed...i had to say goodbye in the middle of our conversation on the phone because i don't feel like talking to him anymore. I feel terrible maybe i deserved it for asking him such a silly question. My friend said to me just a few hours ago that there are only two outcomes in a relationship, it's either they marry or break up. so, it felt like a good thing to ask him 'will you marry me' questions... until i got his answer. oh well, probably just over reacting about this. maybe some good night sleep will wipe away this sudden onset of depression. that jerk... he's lucky, i still love him.
8 people like this
35 responses
@jdyrj777 (6558)
• United States
2 Dec 11
Actually its not a silly question. You have every right to know his intentions to you. Since you also have dreams to accomplish and he gave you such a negitive answer. You should maybe work harder to accomplish your dreams instead of working on him. His reaction to your sudden lack of interest in him will let you know how much interest he really has in you. If he then shows a lot of interest in you maybe you can then suggest since you have the same dreams you can work on them together.
@Aja103654 (5658)
• Philippines
3 Dec 11
that would be the plan, i'll try not to read too much in to his reply. argh, why did he have to answer like that. idiot is not careful with his words...
@jdyrj777 (6558)
• United States
3 Dec 11
Doing this plan would be better than wasting years with someone who has no future intentions. Back in the good ol days dating was for the purpose of finding a future marriage mate. Althought there is no intention of wedding soon there should be at some point the idea that is the eventuality.
@Aja103654 (5658)
• Philippines
4 Dec 11
yep, that's what i think too. That's the purpose of dating, it's not supposed to be a temporary like people want it to be these days. it's supposed to last as long as the couple can help it and are bringing out the best in each other. I've talked to him. he said he WILL marry me. He did not say no this time. he's mood was better then. that idiot... LOL. anyway, i'm putting this behind my back now, and remember the things i have learned from this event.
@enelym001 (8333)
• Philippines
1 Dec 11
Girls, like us, are so sensitive. When we asked questions, we expect to hear what we want to hear. And if the guy says the wrong thing, we instantly feel sad, hurt and annoyed. We already knew about these things and we know the answers. So I think you shouldn't feel depressed about it. As you said, you are also not ready for that... he is not ready too. He's just being honest when you asked him. He has intentions marry you later when you both are settled and ready. That's something you should look forward to
@Aja103654 (5658)
• Philippines
2 Dec 11
awww, you are so sweet and so right. i was very stupid to have asked that question. should have prepared myself for his straightforward answers. stress must have gotten to me, it was a tiring day for me and i just got back from a job screening. i wanted to lighten things up by kidding around, it didn't help me relieve stress. he added to my stress, but i couldn't really blame him either. stupid stupid me... .
@ygna21 (294)
• Bulgaria
2 Dec 11
Yes,that's a typical girl thing. You ask and expect for a certain answer but when you don't get it you get upset.And you feel bad,get depressed and cry all night.At the same time I am sure he has absolutely no idea what he did wrong. That's so typical both for girls and for guys.
@enelym001 (8333)
• Philippines
3 Dec 11
@ygna, yeap the typical girls' and guys' attitude. the guy is usually the insensitive one, not really feeling that they're actually hurting their girl but didn't mean it. the girl is the all-time sensitive one @Aja, once you feel he's in a good mood you can talk this thing about him and tell him how you feels, but this should be talked about in person not on the phone. so you would know how he reacts on this and seeing his facial expression. I think it;s the best way to see whether your guy is still including you in his long term plans or going to a different direction without you.
@jazzyrae (1747)
• United States
1 Dec 11
wow well first i do not think that you should ask a question you already kno wthe answer two it would have been nice if he had lied and said yes but he did not. I am young as well 18 i have dreams so dose my boyfriend but we plan to get married imediatly because well life is short and no one is gaureented a tommorow. to be honest i think how harshly he answered means you are not in his long term plans once he gets his dreams they will come with a new girl i am 99% sure of that.
@enelym001 (8333)
• Philippines
1 Dec 11
means you are not in his long term plans once he gets his dreams You have a point in that. But I think he's just thinking of a lot of things and the thought of marrying at an early age gives him a lot of pressure, reason why he answered No. It doesn't necessarily mean he has no intentions of marrying her, I guess.
@Aja103654 (5658)
• Philippines
2 Dec 11
@jazz: aww... now i wanna cry he probably will get another girl, then i will leave him and he can enjoy that girl as much as he likes. if that ever happened, i would be glad to find a better man. i just hope that my future husband will not find me too late. @enelym: he always talks about us in a husband and wife situation and would talk about our future sons and daughters. he started it. now he's preoccupied with his other responsibilities, didn't intend to pressure him, it was only a joke. i was laughing while i asked him the question, i had on a stupid grin too, then he said no. you can imagine my face right after...
@jazzyrae (1747)
• United States
2 Dec 11
Im sorry Hun I have just seen it happen a lot and that is normally a good sign men are thinking of going else where. It may work out though but if it dosnt everything happens for a reason
2 Dec 11
A more important question would be "Why do you keep asking him?" Given that you're upset by a "No" response, you're probably not joking when you ask, no matter what you tell yourself. My lady's a psychologist and I'm absolutely certain she'd say there's a lot more going on here than just a private joke. Of course, it may just be the romantic part of your brain fantasising about getting married and so on (which is perfectly normal) but in that case, it's really NOT a good idea to ask him. Guys are notoriously reticent about marriage (not all of us, I hasten to add) and he'll take your question seriously. He won't know it's just romantic daydreaming. Especially if you keep asking. As a guy, I'd suggest you stop asking him. Unless he's a real romantic (doesn't sound like it) it'll only annoy him, which will lead to him upsetting you (exactly what just happened). Why sabotage everything with a question you already know the answer to?
@Aja103654 (5658)
• Philippines
3 Dec 11
probably, the question just came out suddenly. i didn't think that far ahead before asking the question. i don't quite understand. he's a romantic, more than i am. i should have mentioned what he is like. you are right, it's not good to always ask him that question. maybe part of me wanted to make sure what the future of our relationship will be. his answer just distorted it a bit, we have talked about it many times before, marriage will always be later, later, later, dreams come first, we agreed to this and i liked the idea. a part of me is also hurt i guess... maybe it's the reality of the situation that really did it.
1 person likes this
3 Dec 11
"we have talked about it many times before, marriage will always be later, later, later, dreams come first". It sounds like you're compromising, which is not necessarily a bad thing but which you may need to admit to yourself. Someone who says "later" three times in the same sentence doesn't strike me as a person who wants to wait. That's just pop psychology of course, since I know nothing about your situation. Just my opinion.
@Aja103654 (5658)
• Philippines
4 Dec 11
hahaha, i dread marriage, like early marriages. I'm not exactly eager to get married, i think i made that obvious. but i don't want to be an old maiden either. if you are in a relationship, it's supposed to be heading that way right? so it's to be expected. if the future is unclear, it bothers us. we are forced to compromise, because life is not that easy. it's harder even when we marry at an early age and have to worry about kids but don't have the stability we need to keep our mouths feed and a roof over our heads.
@SIMPLYD (78094)
• Philippines
2 Dec 11
At least my friend, when he answered NO, he added his justification and said that he would marry you a later time. So, please don't fret about it, because you both know that you are still young to be married to each other. Just enjoy your present relationship and see that nothing or no one would come in between so you can smoothly realize your dream of marrying each other.
@Aja103654 (5658)
• Philippines
3 Dec 11
you got a point. nah, not fretting, maybe i sounded like i'm fretting when i wrote it first. just... a little bothered. because it would still affect the relationship in the future, though i don't want to think that far ahead, i think it would be inevitable. okay.
@SIMPLYD (78094)
• Philippines
5 Dec 11
Well, at least you heard it from him that he will marry you but in the future. You know that this relationship has something to look forward to. ]
@Aja103654 (5658)
• Philippines
8 Dec 11
Thank you, simply! From here, i can say we are better off than other couples who have terrible relationships.
@ShyBear88 (17045)
• United States
1 Dec 11
You should really tell you guy how he made you feel. There is a line weather it's now our later he should always be nice to you about. Tell him you where joking and he took the joke to seriously and that he could have been a bit nicer with his responses. I know my husband does things like that too and it makes me upset some times.
@Aja103654 (5658)
• Philippines
2 Dec 11
-sob- it feels bad right? -sigh- boys could be so mean, especially to the girls who really love them. i told him that and all. he said it wasn't his fault, like a baby whining about having not done anything wrong. he didn't even say sorry, but alright, if he won't then i won't force him. thank you :)
@ShyBear88 (17045)
• United States
2 Dec 11
He sounds like a jerk homely. If a guy I was with did that even my husband it would be bye bye see next to never. At least myan says sorry and means it and even I'll say sorry for having a horrible joke. Well the bad jokes are more like my husband then me. I dot joke about stuff like that. Your not forcing him your testing the waters and if a man can't really say sorry for being a bit rude I didn't know you where joking around then he doesn't seem like a guy that a women should be with young or not. Really if two people love each other you don't need to wait for your dreams to come true or get to a point in life that you might be happy. Most likely what you want you won't have out of life the job of your dreams, the place of dreams, finishing somethin Ina certain time frame, having the money you want. Life never happens in the order or conditions you want. When the time is right it'll find you and when with tw right person waiting will seem a bit silly.
@Aja103654 (5658)
• Philippines
3 Dec 11
yeah, he's a jerk at times. ah, i won't take it so seriously, the thing he said. it would too rash if i dump him for something like that. he did usually say yes, just that time he said no. that's good. your husband is a good guy. i think i have more reasons to be with him than not being with him. no marriage plans for us. it kind of angers me a little that he will have me now but would marry me much later. like i'm something that will have to wait. i mean, it's practical. i do agree with him. i have mixed feelings about this. marriage is not something we are both ready for then we both have to get our dreams first. i don't believe that if we want to marry now, we should get married. no, i think things like those can wait. why do i feel awful when i agree with him? -sigh- confused...
• United States
3 Dec 11
It sounds like a little joke got serious. I think your friend missed another outcome. A relationship ca either end , remain the same Or end in marriage. It sounds like he votes for remain the same. And I think it is a great sign that he was honest with you . Once upon a time a guy would say nothing or lie and say yes when he was thinking No way.Then he would marry but leave soon after. I think you should talk to him and clear the air. I think he should know that you would never pressure him.I think if you both can talk it out , you two will be ok. But... if he is just as abrupt when you try to talk it is over.
@Aja103654 (5658)
• Philippines
4 Dec 11
haha, yeah. at least he is honest. those kind of guys are terrible, lying and letting the woman expect and leave her some day. men should never do that. thank you and i did talk to him. seems it's cleared now and we are okay.
1 person likes this
• United States
4 Dec 11
Wonderful! I'm so happy for you both. Take Care.
@aerous (13474)
• Philippines
3 Dec 11
Well, good for you that you think the consequences of getting marriage early. Yup! You still young and need more space into your life. Who knows that someday you can find someone that is better than him.
@Aja103654 (5658)
• Philippines
8 Dec 11
thanks, aerous. one thing i am sure of is that i am happy with him and he is happy with me.
@aerous (13474)
• Philippines
10 Dec 11
That's really great, my friend. The best in relationship is happiness...if happiness will vanish. No need to stay in relationship which is hell alike...
@vivasuzi (4125)
• United States
1 Dec 11
I would take it easy. If you really weren't planning to get married right now then it shouldn't matter anyway :) Give it some time and I bet you will feel better. Tell him you were just joking and he made you feel bad, and maybe he will apologize and you'll realize you were just reading too much into his comment. If it really bothers you what he said, you may have to have a real conversation about where the relationship is going to make sure you are still on the same page.
@Aja103654 (5658)
• Philippines
2 Dec 11
after what he said, i don't feel like getting into any serious conversations with him. i'll have fun for now. he didn't apologize. i already told him how bad i felt about what he said. he just replied,"but it's not my fault" he's more concerned he was right that about my feelings, argh, thank you for that, though ^_^
@Aja103654 (5658)
• Philippines
2 Dec 11
i meant he was more concerned about his being right and that it was not his fault than about my feelings. ARGH!
@MsTickle (24991)
• Australia
9 Dec 11
Your questions and your reaction are very immature. That's not saying that's a bad thing because you are young but I think you are too young yet to think about being married. There is a lot of life to live before you even begin to think of settling down. Your friend sounds like he was irritated and that's completely understandable. Forget about marriage for now...work on your plans and dreams and above all, have fun.
@Aja103654 (5658)
• Philippines
9 Dec 11
umm, it wasn't entirely a serious proposal nor was it a complete joke. yes, it was rather immature, thankfully, it has been resolved. I know and thank you for those reminders, i'm having fun while i am young now, marriage was just something i was curious about, i had to ask a person who could possibly be my future husband, to have something to look forward to. no... i did not post anything about getting married RIGHT NOW
1 person likes this
@deliar (609)
• Indonesia
4 Dec 11
you dont have to be so sad just because of this. there are still so many time remains for you. do not be under pressure because of this, you have to forget what he have said okay. try to move on forward for the beautiful day.
@Aja103654 (5658)
• Philippines
8 Dec 11
thank you, deliar! I'm cheered up. people who responded are very thoughtful to give me advice on this issue. I've realized those things as well, everyone helped me!
• United States
3 Dec 11
Hopefully his answer was out of haste and not that he ment it as a sigh of a possible break up. Maybe you've asked him too much and he isn't ready to take the "plunge" yet at this point in his life.
@Aja103654 (5658)
• Philippines
8 Dec 11
he's not ready, that's for sure. he said so himself. i mean, who would be ready for marriage when one has not even finished college yet? I probably scared him, haha! he did say he will marry me when the time comes... just not now.
@derek_a (10902)
3 Dec 11
I's sorry to hear that you have been upset by his response. I think it may be helpful to remember that we all have moods from time to time. We can get bored, or irritable as well as happy and joyful and we often can't come out of these moods even when others try to tell us to. Go with the flow.. It will all look different at a later time because everything in life is subject to the law of change. Nothing, especially our moods, thoughts and feelings is permanent. _Derek
@Aja103654 (5658)
• Philippines
4 Dec 11
thank you, derek! you are right, we have our moods to consider, they are not permanent. it's proven, because last night... me: you said you won't marry me. him: you idiot, of course i'll marry. if you want i'll marry you tomorrow. me: you idiot. and then i love you's followed, including more stupid but romantic conversations. hehe
@devi53 (348)
• India
3 Dec 11
BE happy Aja, i think now your time is not so good, he was in a bad mood that is why he reply like this. If you were in his position of bad mood you will also respond like this. Please wait he will surely come to you telling sorry. we all are human beings in certain circumstances we all ( 90%) will react like this. Next moment we realize and think why we respond like that so i am sure you will get good news.Have a good day and very very happy NEW YEAR.
@Aja103654 (5658)
• Philippines
4 Dec 11
Thank you, devi. should watch out for those moods....
@alottodo (3062)
• Australia
3 Dec 11
Actually I won't ask a question if I know I won't like the answer...you put this person on the spot and that is not fair on any one really! how would you feel if he asked you the same question? and you are not ready for an answer?
@Aja103654 (5658)
• Philippines
4 Dec 11
I had to ask a question even if i don't know the answer. i knew he would be honest anyway. sometimes we have ask questions like this head on, rather than get hurt later because of disappointment. no sense in keeping ourselves in the darker. the sooner we know about any issue, the better, then we can work it out. I know, it wasn't the wisest thing to do. i read his mood wrong, i suppose. he's a straight forward person and he does those on the spot questions to me too. we are that kind of couple, who values honesty, even if it's the ugly truth we have to hear. I would feel okay to be asked that question. i forgot to include that he asked me the question first a long time ago. and i answered yes, no, maybe, different answers, often i would say yes and let's try our best, make it real. Not ready at that time, but it will get me to think and I can manage it. getting hurt is inevitable in life, so i might as well deal with it as soon as i can.
@andy77e (5165)
• United States
3 Dec 11
You should never ask a man to marry you. That just sets up bad situation. You were pressuring him. If a girl asks me to if I would marry her, the answer will be NO automatically. When a man is ready to marry, he will ask you. And trust me, you do not want a man before he is ready. That will cause only problems. I hope it works out. Best to you.
@Aja103654 (5658)
• Philippines
4 Dec 11
NEVER ASK A MAN TO MARRY YOU? i think we should, because then we will know what his thoughts are for the future of the relationship. it would be bad to keep yourself from knowing something this essential. i'm not saying that we keep doing it, but we should eventually. because if we never ask, we might be expecting something that would never come, and that's a waste of time. Pressuring him huh... hmm... well, maybe a little pressure might help sometimes. pressure ain't always bad. though i agree it should be kept at a precise level. I'm not saying i wanna marry now, just asking if he would marry me some day if he can help it. he said later. that's a relief. i didn't like the part why he had to say no like that. i could understand a simple later. Okay. thank you for sharing, don't worry about it, i won't asking him like that again. learned my lesson here.
• Philippines
2 Dec 11
Hello aja, Don't be too depressed with what you heard. Since, you have asked him many times already you should be contented with that. Maybe he got a little irritated with the question already because you asked him several times. And don't worry he already told you that he would marry you at a later time, he is just being honest. I think its good enough answer than saying yes and then in the end he will not. At least, he says no for now, but you are included in his plans. Good luck Have a great day ahead of you and have fun mylotting!
@Aja103654 (5658)
• Philippines
8 Dec 11
thanks, red. everyone is so nice to help me look at this situation from different angles! i suppose i'm lucky to have someone like him, than a complete jerk who would brush me off.
@bunnybon7 (35436)
• Holiday, Florida
2 Dec 11
take this advice from someone that was married 5 times!! and asked a few more. when the subject is brought up ever again start saying. "i dont care to get married. our love is fine the way it is. i may never marry." i gave my daughters the same advice. one has been married 3 times from a man begging her. mine also begged me. men are funny they want what they cant have. as soon as they think its not what you want they want it! btw, my other daughter never listened. married one time but lived with 2 others that she wanted to marry and they never did.
@Aja103654 (5658)
• Philippines
3 Dec 11
that's confusing, but some men are like that huh? phew, maybe they are after the chase? those types like chasing stuff they can't have and when they have them, they don't value them anymore. -sigh- like kids getting a new toy and throws it away when they are bored with it, it's awful. best wishes for you and your daughters.
@ladym33 (11008)
• United States
2 Dec 11
As someone else said that he would marry you later, so it sounds like it is in his plans. Sounds like he might be getting tired of this little joke and just got irritated with it. It does sound like he does want you in his future and does want to some day marry you, but at your young ages ans stages of life it is not something he wants to concentrate on just at this time in your lives, but he does want to marry you, he just doesn't want to do it right now.
@Aja103654 (5658)
• Philippines
8 Dec 11
yep, that's it.
@tamirs (1808)
• Philippines
2 Dec 11
He still said he will marry you. Though that will really make you feel upset,thinking about the reasons he has,shouldn't make you feel bad.. It is so good that he has plans of moving forward..Just hope and pray and do the best that you can to make him include in his moving forward..
@Aja103654 (5658)
• Philippines
4 Dec 11
Thank you. I will keep praying for a good future for both of us... even though it might not be 'us' in the future together.