Do you have to choose?

Valdosta, Georgia
December 26, 2011 10:26am CST
I feel like I am constantly having to choose between my parents and my husband. It makes things really difficult. I am in the middle of them. Living here in their house doesnt help at all. When my parents get annoyed with him they tell me and complain to me. When my hubby gets annoyed with them he tells me. I wish they would talk to each other sometimes and leave me out of it! Do you ever have to choose? What do you do?
6 people like this
30 responses
@cotruelove (1016)
• Denver, Colorado
27 Dec 11
Been here and been through it except my mom was living in my house and determined to break me and my husband up so I could be 100% dedicated to taking care of her. She didn't even like having my children take attention away from her. I finally put her and my husband in the same room and told them when they had a gripe about the other one to tell each other and leave me out of it. I had enough to do at the time with a new baby and a toddler. Then I made it perfectly clear to my mom that I didn't have a choice who my mother was, but I had chosen my husband and highly likely he was going to be around long after she wasn't. So she better get used to the idea and quit making problems for us. You may be living under your parent's roof, but they need to respect your choice and your husband needs to respect them. Sometimes people just need to learn how to disagree without being disagreeable. Everyone doesn't choose to live their life the same way as others. I know it was driving me nuts and it finally got to the point I had to claim my own identity in the situation and quit being a referee in their disagreements.
• Denver, Colorado
27 Dec 11
Oh yeah, my mom pulled that too. I had to sit her down and tell her exactly what you said, "These are our children and I appreciate your concern for them, but it is not up to you to correct them or guide them, it is ours. Please, make you suggestions to us, but please do not do it in front of the children, you are undermining our authority when you do. I know you have your way of raising kids, but it is our turn now. I love you, but you need to stop what you're doing." That is what I had to do. Especially after the first time my oldest, my daughter played the game of you can't tell me what to do, which was the truth, they shouldn't have been able to. It hurt my mom's feelings and she cried, but dang it, she should have paid attention to the fact that grandma can hug, kiss and fuss over them, but playing mom, was not acceptable to my daughter, me or my husband. Good luck!
• Denver, Colorado
27 Dec 11
By the way, opening their home doesn't give them the right to control your family. If they have house rules, than those should have been set down in advance, not made up as they go along. It is hard to live with family, having had my son and his son live with me, but I remembered what I went through and worked very hard not to butt into the relationship between my son and his son. One of the house rules I set down before it started was there would be no drinking while living in my house. The sad part was I did have to enforce it and put my son out. However, joint custody in regards to his son existed, and it didn't harm him, but my son learned that mom wasn't going back on her rules, and especially not when he would show up drunk after driving. He had to go live with a friend of his for a while and he learned to appreciate mom. He did come back and beg forgiveness and live with me again, and he did obey the house rules. I'm just glad when he drove drunk he didn't hurt anyone including himself. Like you husband he was unemployed. What finally lead to him leaving my house was when he was sleeping in all the time and not looking for work and had brought his girlfriend in too. I was footing the bill for everyone and he wouldn't even go get food stamps, so out he went again. I couldn't afford to support him and his girl friend on my fixed income. Today, he is sober, married again, and cleaned up his act. But it was tough when he lived with me.
• Valdosta, Georgia
27 Dec 11
I'm sorry, I wouldn't wish this on anyone. It is hard and you know how I feel right now! I don't care what anyone says it is a hard situation to be in. I'm sure you know. I think it's going to come down to me having to do that also because I cannot take much more of this! Yeah I have enough going on with my husband out of work, no income, 3 children and the stress of all of it! My parents think they are our childrens parents and that is the biggest argument that arises. My husband gets more angry than I do about it and this is the main issue. How do you say in a nice way these are our children not yours? I don't want to be disrespectful, you know? They have opened their house to us...
@jaiho2009 (39142)
• Philippines
27 Dec 11
Oh dear, I also want to end such topic like this I feel like being sandwich in between and with one mistake -will be eaten up alive! duh- Why don't they talk and face each other (i wish) That's what i say whenever I heard one party complaining (talk with the concern) But, no one listens-so- I also ignore them.
1 person likes this
• Valdosta, Georgia
27 Dec 11
Well maybe it seems easy when your not living it but its not easy when your in this situation. If I could get them to talk to each other and not bring me into itI would... I dont know if you know this but life is not that easy, at least not for me... Have a good day.
• India
27 Dec 11
discussion, takes it all. and why do not peoples behaves like discussion and solving problems. some are so evils minds they make the easiest problem in to a complicated one, somebody tell them join my lot and start their discussion and they will get lots of solution on their problems.
@choybel (5042)
• Philippines
26 Dec 11
My parents (father and step mother) have never shown dislike towards my girlfriend. I live with them, and my girlfriend constantly visits. Thank God both parties seem to be comfortable with each other.
1 person likes this
@choybel (5042)
• Philippines
28 Dec 11
I hope everything works out well for you, and I also hope I never have to go through something like this.
• Valdosta, Georgia
26 Dec 11
We all live together which makes it more difficult. They love each other but its stressful having 2 families living together...
1 person likes this
@carmelanirel (20942)
• United States
26 Dec 11
In a good relationship, you shouldn't have to choose, but if you did, then I believe picking your husband first..I know some are going to thrash me on that, but you left your parents to marry this guy, he should come before your mom and dad..
@speakeasy (4171)
• United States
26 Dec 11
carmelanirel - sorry; but, you are missing something here - she did NOT leave her parents for him they are still in her parents house. She can sympathize with him; but, as long as they live with her parents she cannot put him and his wishes before their rules. They need to move out as soon as possible and THEN he comes before them.
1 person likes this
• United States
26 Dec 11
Sorry, I missed that part..Yeah, unfortunately it is your parents home, though I would try to not take sides, but work on getting your own place. I am sorry you are going through this Loving, I have lived with relatives too and it isn't easy..
• Valdosta, Georgia
26 Dec 11
I wish I didn't have to choose but I do. =( They love my husband but when they have an argument or anything like that, they both vent to me. I HATE being in the middle of this mess. It is hard "choosing" per say my husband because it is my parents house. I don't know how that will go down with living here... I hate being in this situation. Hopefully in a few months we will be in our own place again!
1 person likes this
@aerous (13434)
• Philippines
28 Dec 11
It's really difficult to live with husband or wife parents. My experience in such thing was terrible and the reason my family derail because the parents of my wife did all their best to put me down... You need to choose your husband than choosing your parents, my friend. Because your parents still your parents and you do not have any contract with your parents while your husband sign a inviolable contracts... Talk to your parents that they are also parents like you and consider something to different from what they are today? You need to be happy as they are and if they are reason for your to be broken home and your kids to be broken family. Better to talk to your husband to see a better space to live than to make your family experience worse in the future
@mythociate (21438)
• Oklahoma City, Oklahoma
29 Dec 12
Jesus said "You cannot serve two masters; for--loving one--you must at some time hate the other." This is why I always feel people are hating me; because 'we' (me, them, or all of us) are not 'serving the same master' (or not serving him in the same way) ... i.e. everyone serves Satan (as he IS the god of this world) by 'working for a living'---in order to serve Our Father G*d, yes ... But sometimes we must forsake Satan when his commands don't gel with G*d's commands. And that's my case. I can't 'work for a living' until a living is worth working-for (i.e. not until I have a wife---with or without children).
• China
29 Dec 11
Duly noted ! I fully understand , so the best way is amass enough money and find a job asap!! In the meaning time, please be advised , parents is also very important to verybody , we should appreciate for them to bring us to this world , so respect and tolerance is also necessary!!
• Valdosta, Georgia
28 Dec 11
We did have our own place but some circumstances led us to this position. My husband is out of work due to surgery. He cannot take care of the kids so I cannot even find a job right now... Once we have the money to find our own place again we will be trust me. We don't have a lot of money unfortunately. If we had lots of money all of our problems would just go away!
@jazzyrae (1745)
• United States
26 Dec 11
thank god i have a house of my own i dont know the situation about you very well but if i were you i would be trying very hard to make it to where i could move out my parents just christmas eve talked to my boyfriend of 3 years lol. they completly do not like him much and are just getting used to eachother. i like i already said and am just so excited that i do not live with my parents lol that would be a disaster
1 person likes this
• Valdosta, Georgia
26 Dec 11
Yeah, we did have our own place. The company my husband was at shut down, we moved back in with my parents and now my husband is out of work with a cast on his arm. He got cut on a chop saw at work! So, yes it is VERY difficult. My parents love my husband but living together just puts stress on everyone I think. Once we get our taxes back we will be looking but right now its just not possible financially. =( Its tough with our 3 children too because they say things to my kids like they are the parents and that annoys my husband more...
@jazzyrae (1745)
• United States
26 Dec 11
That's awfull and sounds very stressfull I hope your husband finds work somewhere soon ya the fact you have Kids probably makes it way stressfull
@speakeasy (4171)
• United States
26 Dec 11
As long as you are living in someone else's home - you have to follow THEIR rules. I think your husband understands that and he is coming to you because complaining to them will cause fights, increase the tensions in the house, and make things worse. You are being a release for his frustrations and are acting like a sounding board for him. This is not a fair situation for you; but, it is preventing the situation from getting worse for everyone. You need to get together with your husband and come up with a plan to GET OUT OF THERE as soon as possible and then follow through on that plan.
@speakeasy (4171)
• United States
26 Dec 11
I hope your husband is better soon; but, what are YOU doing to help get out of there. If HE cannot work right now; why don't YOU let him take care of the children and get a temporary job to help out? I understand that childcare in very expensive; but, while he is recovering and trying to get a new job he could care for your children and YOU could get a job to bring in some income. It might not be a great job; but, some income is better than none and it is only until he can get work again.
• Valdosta, Georgia
26 Dec 11
You are absolutely RIGHT! It is their rules and that is it. They don't want to hear anything else and don't care about your thoughts or opinions. It is hard. And, my husband is absolutely coming to me because he feels like he cannot talk to them like civil adults because it will get blown out of proportion. We were getting really close to having our own place again but my husband recently got hurt at work, getting his hand cut on a saw. So, we now have NO income and things are so tough! Were hoping when our taxes come back to find our own place, but we still have a few months for that. =(
• Valdosta, Georgia
26 Dec 11
My husband cannot change our daughter's diapers or make the kids something to eat or anything. My parents are both disabled and cannot lift the children with their backs so I have no one to take care of the children while I work. I was looking for a job and my husband called and said you have to come home, no one can do anything for the kids, we need you here. If I put them in child care it will cost my whole paycheck so I might as well not even get a job because I will only be making minimum wage... I have worked many times when I needed to help but right now my poor husband cannot do anything to take care of the kids. =( So, unfortunately that is not an option at this point. We are waiting to get his workmans comp pay so we can start living again normally...
@MsTickle (25180)
• Australia
5 Jan 12
My first reaction was...for goodness sake...move out!! You are not being fair to your poarents because you are not only invading their space but their life. If my kids wanted to move in with me, there would be no way in h3ll. I would resent them in the worst possible way. One used to keep coming home after she left the first time and for a while it was OK but then she was just sponging off me. Then again, I don't know the circumstances. I still say though that you should really get your own place.
@MsTickle (25180)
• Australia
10 Jan 12
Sorry mate, you sounded so upset and a little desperate and as if they are all complaining at you and it's all too much. I thought from your post that there was lots of tension in the air I really hope you can get to be in your own place soon. I'm sure everything will settle down then and everyone will be cool again.
• Valdosta, Georgia
10 Jan 12
My husband got cut on a saw and had to have surgery on his hand. We had our own place for years but when he got hurt he could not work for a month now. I am looking for a job and my children will have to go to daycare which I am not happy about but have no choice. Trust me this is not my dream come true and we are saving to get our own place again. My parents do not feel the way you do. My mom cried for hours when I told her we are only going to be here for a couple more months. We also pay them and put food in the house from his last paycheck... We most definitely dont sponge off them that is for sure! Like you said you did not know the situation. We will be getting out soon thank goodness.
• United States
26 Dec 11
Silly me, I thought this was what is Suppose to happen. I'm always amazed when in-laws get along. Luckily, My parents are gone so I don't Have to choose.In fact I would keep them both but not in the same room.This must be hard. They are coming to you because they don't even talk to each other. Do you have to choose? No, There is a way to have them both. But if you are hoping they will like each other... Don't hold your breath waiting for it to happen.
• United States
26 Dec 11
It sounds like you need to sit them down and tell them both how you feel. Maybe just maybe they can learn to talk things out . I thought they didn't like their son in law. But since they do, This could be sorted out.
• Valdosta, Georgia
26 Dec 11
They do talk to each other about other things just not when they get upset with the other one. You know? They love my husband but when an argument arises they will both just complain to me about the other one. It is really tough!
1 person likes this
@MaryLynn321 (2680)
• United States
27 Dec 11
What about having family meetings and let each person take their turn and voice their opinions. This might help. By your parents telling you, then you have to tell your husband or keep it to yourself. And with your husband telling you about how he feels about your parents, I am sure you don't feel comfortable telling them what he says. So things get bottled up. Or what about telling your parents they need to discuss things with your husband and not put you in the middle. As long as you all are living under the same roof there needs to be an open line of communication and guidelines between all of you, so that hurt feelings don't occur.
• United States
27 Dec 11
Sounds like a good idea to me. You would think even though they are not open minded that they would like to have a peaceful existence in the home. Let them know as soon as possible. Hopefully they will go along with it. The only other thing is you will have to get your husband away from the house, maybe for a ride or something and talk to him then. And hopefully things will be settled by the time you get back home. Good luck.
• Valdosta, Georgia
27 Dec 11
Thats what I was thinking about doing but they are tough people to do that with. And its their house so if they don't want to for any reason they won't. Thats just the way they are. I love them so much but they are not very open minded people at all. Exactly, I cannot tell him everything like I used to when we had our own place because I don't want to cause more problems! I think I am going to start saying if there is a problem between you guys, please talk to the other person that you have the problem with not me. Hopefully that will work!
1 person likes this
@webearn99 (1742)
• India
27 Dec 11
You are in a soup, I can see that. Even as a male, I have faced this situation, between my wife and her father, a demanding old man. His priority was him, leaving no time for my wife even for herself, leave alone me or our sons. She has this phenomenal patience and understanding and I for my part held her hand at times of frustration. The best solution would perhaps your taking a stand and laying a few ground rules and enforcing them. Peace has its own price, I suppose, even if it means asserting yourself a bit forcefully.
@webearn99 (1742)
• India
28 Dec 11
Don't give up just yet! Your marriage is young and there are bound to be some problems of adjustment. It takes a lot of understanding to make a union work. As it is, courtship is a form of deception, where we try our best to put forward our good and acceptable traits and actively hide our failings. This is an open secret. He was respectful towards your parents as he wanted you. Once he has you, he may have this idea that he has no obligation to your parents. He is definitely crossing the line asking you to abandon your parents. Lay down the law, lady, tell him, he has no say in your relationship with your parents. However, do it gently but persuasively in the interest of your relationship with him. Crowding him or nagging is not very effective and in fact may cause harm to the whole purpose. Comparison is a big burden and a put-off for us males, for everybody generally. You may have triggered this reaction from him, innocently, when you talk of your parents to him. He may have developed the idea that he does not measure up to your standard of a nice person. The easiest way for him may be to isolate himself and more importantly, you from them. Be careful in this respect and let him know that he is unique to you in his own way and you cherish him. That should go a along way in having a compatible relationship in marriage. Go ahead, smother him with love, perhaps he will get infected enough to start appreciating your parents. Love is, as you might have realized by now, is contagious.
@Bamboee (645)
• United Arab Emirates
27 Dec 11
Yes, everyone has their side of the story. If the problem is communicated from the start, and resolved there shall be no further issues in the future. I married on my own choice, my husband was very respectful towards my parents before marriage. After marriage there is a sudden change in his attitude. He does not meet them, or ever talk to them. Its just been 8 months and this is the behavior he is showing me. I am finding it difficult to tolerate because my parents have never bothered him or even so interfered in my married life. All he says, that I should have no connection with them because they do not mean anything to him. I am in a fix, and I can not live like this anymore. I love my parents deeply and I can not bare to see them being disrespected. Do you guys see any solution out of this?
@SIMPLYD (90727)
• Philippines
27 Dec 11
It's indeed difficult for a husband to share in her wife's parents' house. The husband should have been the one giving the wife a shelter to live in, but because of one reason or another, he has to bear living in the parents' in- law's house. Of course , since he is not the direct child of your parents, there's no way that he will talk to them about any complain he may have or vice versa. If he can afford it, why not you two have a separate house from them? It cannot be avoided that misunderstanding will ensue, if your family lives with your parents.
@SIMPLYD (90727)
• Philippines
28 Dec 11
Just try to understand your husband. Much as he don't like living with your parents, he has no choice but to bear it. Maybe you can encourage him to just help in the chores at home to compensate and so it wouldn't be so shameful on his part to be living with your parents .
• Valdosta, Georgia
27 Dec 11
We did have a home of our own but we lost it. My husband had surgery and is out of work and might need another surgery so he won't be working for a while. So of course we lost everything in the process. =( He is getting workmans comp and when he does we will start saving money for our own place but that could take a few months... No he won't talk with them, so it makes it hard on me. We cannot afford it or we would definitely have our own place! Trust me we would. This is NOT an ideal situation for any of us!
@aghiuta (525)
• Canada
27 Dec 11
I know very well how you feel.When I got married we lived in an apartment with my parents,and it was not pleasant,since ,like in your case I was in the middle.The only way to solve that and may be to save your marriage in the long run , is to move out with your husband,and live on your own.It might make things harder,as housework or kids(if you have any),but it is worth for your peace of mind.It will be very nice to visit each other,and do so without the stress.You love them all and you can not choose without hurting one or the other.
• Valdosta, Georgia
28 Dec 11
Yeah being in the middle is not easy at all. We cannot move out because we do not have enough money to do so. If we did we would be in our own place. My husband got hurt at work, and has surgery on his hand. He cannot work and he cannot take care of the children with this injury so I have to stay home to help him and take care of them. We do have 3 children. We did have our own house but we had to move in with them because of circumstances. So, we will have to live here for a few months.
@aghiuta (525)
• Canada
28 Dec 11
that is really rough,I hope things will improve soon,in the meantime try to tell each of the parties that their behaviour is taking a toll on you,and if they care about you(which I am sure they do) to try to get along and discuss their issues amongst themselves.Hopefully they will listen and it will make living together easier.
• United States
27 Dec 11
This issue has happened to me and from an experience I have chosen my husband. First of all, your husband and you need to be independent from them because they might think by living with them they can control you guys. After you are independent from your parents then you can try to keep the communication open by respecting your husband and vice versa. If they don't like your husband for no reason then you have every right to keep your marriage safe. Also, your husband needs to respect his in-laws and try to be a head of them always.
• Valdosta, Georgia
27 Dec 11
Well, it would be nice to choose him but it is their house that we are living in which adds in a very hard factor. I agree that is what they think. They all love each other but they don't always agree and when they don't thats when I have to hear it from both sides!
• United States
28 Dec 11
As I said, as long as you are living under your parent's roof the problem will not go away. But since you said they love each other and only disagree sometimes, then they need to respect one another and sort out their differences. In the long run, this issues is not healthy for your child. The sooner you fix it the better it is. Afterall, you are all one family. All the best to you and your family:).
@bounce58 (17387)
• Canada
29 Dec 11
No, but I'm so familiar with your situation. I don't know what it is about me but people would always put me in the middle. And whatever quarrels they have, I have to listen to both sides as if I have to choose, or as if I have to decide. It's frustrating! Specially when you know that all they have to do is talk to each other, and not let their prides get in the way!
• Valdosta, Georgia
9 Jan 12
Yeah me too. It doesnt matter who it is they always seem to want my opinion... I hate it sometimes. Right. Its all about people pride it is annoying!
@namiya (1713)
• Philippines
28 Dec 11
It really is a very difficult situation. You love them both and siding with anyone won't help. I'ts hard to offer advise on the right thing to do even if intention is to help for there's no assurance it will work out positively as a whole. I've experienced living with my in laws for a short time in our own home and this resulted to conflicts too within our household. Hoping that you'll be free and out of this situation soonest. God bless.
• Valdosta, Georgia
9 Jan 12
It is a very difficult situation. I appreciate your response a lot. I am going to go back to work so we can leave sooner than we even thought possible and I am glad. We need our own space as a family. Nothing against anyone but this is not working!
@CTHanum (8234)
• Malaysia
27 Dec 11
I am not married but sometimes that situation happened and I need to choose either one of the party. It involves me and other family members One party complain to me about the others and the other also did the same. Yes, sometimes I get tired with it and I am simply want them to settle it by themselves. So I don't choose anyone and will not choose any of them.
• Valdosta, Georgia
28 Dec 11
Yeah it is not an easy spot to be in. I want them to talk about it amongst themselves also and I wish they would. Maybe I will have to tell them they need to do this instead of involving me...
• China
28 Dec 11
this is really not good news , but it may happened in many family . My personal beliving keep independent is very important , so the best way is moving out and rent or buying house by yourself and in the meaning time , you also can take some time back home and looking after your parents *******
• Valdosta, Georgia
28 Dec 11
We did have our own house but my husband is out of work due to surgery so we are staying here until we can get a place of our own again. If we had the money to go now we would trust me. It would make things so much easier on everyone.
• United States
26 Dec 11
That puts you in a very bad place, and I’ve been in that place before. You are going to have to nip this in the bud and tell your parents that you don’t want to hear any more of it. If they have a problem with your husband, they are to talk to him, and you need to tell your husband the same thing. They need to talk to each other, but as long as you allow them to keep you in the middle you will be. It won’t hurt them to communicate with each other. It’s not fair to you to be kept in the middle because you love them both. Just hold up your hand (like a stop sign) and stop your parents in their tracks and the same with your husband… and tell them to talk to each other… and if they refuse to do that, don’t say a word to you about it. You have GOT to put a stop to it, or they will NEVER stop.
• Valdosta, Georgia
26 Dec 11
I am in a very bad place. I need to try to do that. It is very hard for me sometimes to stand up and put my foot down and say enough is enough. I know I have to get stronger or this will continue. I am a person that people walk all over because I am too afraid of someone getting angry with me. Thank you for your help and I will try! Thanks for the hugs. =)
1 person likes this
• United States
26 Dec 11
You are welcomed for the hugs! I think you need some more.. so here you go! I think it will work best to get both together.. mother, father, and husband… and then tell them it is not fair to you to put you in the middle… that you love all of them, but you want to stop being treated like a door mat over this. If they have a problem they take it to each other and leave you out of it. You will have to learn how to be assertive… but believe me, you will be proud of yourself the first time you actually assert yourself to stand up for yourself. It will take practice, but if you don’t stand up for YOU, no one else will.
• India
26 Dec 11
choosing between loved ones is always a difficult one. but choosing between right and wrong is would be more, that you have to look out. who is right and which one is not.
• Valdosta, Georgia
26 Dec 11
It is a tough position to be in that is for sure.
• India
26 Dec 11
really tough, but you can do one thing, make a arrangement one day, a discussion with everyone in presence of everyone.