The Good, the Bad and the Ugly
January 3, 2012 7:50pm CST
I was just finishing up with the comments on my abuse discussion “Why do they stay?” and I begain to talk about my own life in one of the comments. As I was talking about the abuse in my family, I also wanted to say that there was much goodness in my parents. I am the product of two parents who were abused as children. My mom was hit every day by her mother until she married my father, and my father was severely abused by his father while he was growing up. The only time he wasn’t abused was when he was farmed out by his father to another farm where he worked like an indentured servant. He got his room and board by working on someone else’s farm. My father’s father was so bad that he one time raped my grandmother (his wife). My aunt told me that she came home from school one day to find the stove knocked over and my grandmother passed out on the floor and her father raping her. She said that it was kind of normal to see that kind of violence in the house and there was no help back then. So I grew up with a father I loved and hated at the same time. He was a great dad when he wasn’t angry, but anything could anger him. I remember being little and being kicked and thrown about. The last time he physically abused me was when I was 12 when he broke my tail bone by throwing me. But the abuse didn’t stop emotionally. He told me I would never amount to anything. Now I know that both my mother and my father passed their abuse on to me. My mom always told me I wasn’t good enough… not in so many words, but that was the message… She told me I should be ashamed, and that I should be more like my cousin Roxanne. I grew to resent my mother because I was never good enough in her eyes. She never was proud of me until I became a nurse… then my mom and dad couldn’t get enough of me. I was able to deal with the pain of abuse in my family by forgiving them. I actually love them better now that they are dead and gone than I did when they were alive. I have a new family now… in 1997 I got an adopted mom… she is everything that my real mom didn’t know how to be. I am not saying I love my adopted mom better than my real mom, but I will say that I appreciate my adopted mom better than I did my real mom because my adopted mom has always been proud of me. She wasn’t afraid to tell me when I am wrong, or when she thinks I need to be put on the right track, and I appreciate her for that… because what she does she does in love. She loves me as if she bore me herself. I have the love I never felt in my own family. I used to ask if I belonged to my family… and my mom said “don’t be stupid.” I thought I must be adopted because I didn’t feel loved or feel like I belonged. My adopted mom isn’t even of the same race I am.. she is black and I am white. We had a portrait done together as mother and daughter and people will look at it and wonder sometimes. Mom says “that’s my daughter’… and she says they don’t ask, but they have that look on their faces, like they are trying to figure that one out. Have you ever felt like you didn’t belong? Did you find someone in your life that showed you you were loved? Please share.
3 people like this
11 Jan 12
Growing up, my parents never entertained and we rarely visited with anyone...it was only ever with certain family members. Both my parents were abused as they grew up and they should never have had children. I was abused as a child; my siblings were too but I was always the one that copped things the most...I was the odd one out, the most outgoing, the loudest, the most devil may care and compared to my siblings, definitely the most dullest crayon in the box. The others are all scholastically brilliant and I'm not. I have always felt like a square peg trying to fit into a round hole, like I don't fit, don't belong. I'm pretty sure my Mum didn't like me very much. I tend to be reclusive now because I don't trust people to be honest or open or genuine. I catch them out all the time in lies and when they skip over bits of a story...when I've heard a different side of the same story elsewhere. I have trouble asking for help because I'm always rejected and it happens every time, yet I am ever available to be of help when required...I even work as a volunteer. By living alone, in a small village, I feel I can be myself. There's just me and my critters whom I love dearly. I've never felt the love of another person except briefly when they were living a fantasy. I belong to me and no-one else matters now.
12 Jan 12
Don't take lessons from me...it's been a long painful journey and I've only been saved I reckon by my love of the ridiculous and my ability to laugh in spite of the curves that life throws us. I've also only recently truly arrived at the spiritual place where I am now. I believe I am where I'm supposed to be. I've learned I still have a lot to heal from and I have no clue how to go about that healing. I get to see a therapist for a short time but she talks more about herself than she helps me. You get what you pay for I guess...she is a freebie.
• United States
4 Jan 12
I remember asking if I was adopted. Then I asked if I was retarded. Mom said don’t be stupid. She should have caught on that I was having feelings like I didn’t belong, but I guess she never got it. I'm so sorry you didn't feel loved. I was never hugged. Our family didn't hug. The only time anyone touched me it was to throw me around or hit me. I learned to hug though. I would love for mom and dad to be able to come back just long enough for me to give them a hug. I wish they would have known how to love back then.
5 Jan 12
Your family's history is somehow disturbing and sad at the same time. I never experienced anything like that in my life because my parents pampered me when I was little and I have only seen my older brothers being punished physically by my mother and father, but for me, I don't recall anything of that sort. Makes me think how lucky I was before, because during those times, I was the youngest among the siblings and usually I was the one being bullied by my older brothers and sister, but never been punched, kicked, slapped, hit with a stick ,etc. I only had the feeling that I didn't belong was when during the summer after my high school graduation. I was applying for a scholarship program back then, and there were 3 exams to pass for approval of the scholarship, 1st a computer based examination(if computer literate and other IQ questions) 2nd a written examination(general knowledge, based from High school subjects algebra, science, history, etc.) and last, an interview with the scholarship provider who is from Norway(test of communication skills in English, and final assessment) During the interview, me and a friend of mine were very early for the interview but we were just wearing casual clothes, and as fellow applicants pile up, we noticed that everyone was wearing "formal attire". It got us worried, and we just said to ourselves "Come what may". I was lucky because they started the interview alphabetically, and my family name started at letter "T" so I was scheduled on the next day, so I had the chance to change clothes and be properly dressed for the interview. Someone that showed me that I was loved? Alot people actually has showed me this, specially my high school friends because my high school life was fun and our batch was very close so we treated "almost" everyone as our own brother and sister :D but not only did my friends showed me love, but my family as well, even if my parents are separated, during my college life, they both gave me full support and visited me often and didn't really mind there own differences but focused on supporting me during my semi-military training at that time. Don't worry friend, I think what matters most is your feelings towards your adopted mom. And that feeling is genuine and true, and no one can take that away from you happy myLotting
• United States
5 Jan 12
You are most fortunate that your parents didn't use you as a punching bag. I agree with you that our friends can love us like family. I have many friends who love me like a sister, and I love them also the same way. Many of my friends here at Mylot are like family to me.
5 Jan 12
abusing persons in the family is quite wrongin my opinion. It's bad for the persons.in the family ,all members should be considerate to everyone else.Parents should be more strict with themselves in order to set an example to their children.
• United States
4 Jan 12
Pointless, Your story touched me deeply. You were blessed to have a wonderful adoptive mother. Although your father abused and mistreated you horribly, your Heavenly Father loves you more than you will ever know. In the eyes of the Lord, all of His children belong and have an important, valuable and wonderful purpose!
4 Jan 12
i admire your strength for going through trying and difficult times with your biological family. our childhood years could be our treasure, to be looked back when we feel lonely and isolated, to bring back smiles when we are down. but some people could not do that. they feel hurt when they go back to their childhood years. but you did, in spite of what you had gone through with your parents. i admire your courage by sharing this.
• United States
4 Jan 12
Thanks, it’s really not all bad. They were my family, for better or for worse. My parents didn’t know how to be parents, but they did the best they knew how. I’m just glad that I can love them better now that they are gone. I have mostly good memories of them. I’m really thankful for Mommy (Mama Jo) for being my rock in my life.
• Lippstadt, Germany
7 Jan 12
Dear PQ, yes yes and yes......... to answer your question first. I come from an emotionally abusive family, so no black and blue marks but silent treatment if you broke the family rules, if you didnt submit to what you were told to do or if you plain and simple didnt live up to their expectations. Right now I got to say that with almost 50 years old its the first time my life is getting on track where I really want it without me suffering from any guilt feelings for what I want and what I think is best for me and my husband of course. Its a time of reflection right now, I dont wallow in self pity or cling to my miserable past but I still have to deal with these things like you did,like admitting it was emotional abuse indeed and I did NOT take things the wrong way or too personal. I stopped living with the lies of how nice and wonderful my bio mom was and what great achievements she had in life. It was a long road till I got there. I also thought I dont fit into my family and I truly wished I was adopted cause that would have made things easier for me knowing I am not blood related to them but unfortunately I am. I have come a long way achieving that I dont hate my parents, I once hated my father when I was a teen, but I am indifferent towards them and dont think of them. They are both deceased and I am free now. But this time of reflection now brings about a deep gratitude. So far I have alwaysw have had someone being good to me because I am ME, in these 50 years of my life. For the first 25 years of my life it was my beloved Grandma who lived in the same house who was my home and gave me a home, then it was a dear old lady friend at church and for 25 years I enjoyed a very special friendship with someone I call my heart mom now. I cant write any more about her right now cause she has battled cancer and passed away in July 2011 and I miss her soooooo much...........