Does Love mean compromise?

United States
February 21, 2012 9:50am CST
I have been told for a relationship to be successful there has to be compromise. To that I say I should Never have a lover. Never know what they say love is because I will not compromise on things that make me feel uncomfortable. So now I have yet another reason to see love as something not meant for me? But... I have a fella. I am myself. He takes me as is. As far as I know , he isn't compromising either. so what we have , is it love? Your thoughts.
4 people like this
24 responses
@mensab (4208)
• Philippines
21 Feb 12
love does not necessarily mean compromise. love is a will. one has to will it to be able to fully love a person. compromising means not loving. one does not lose when one loves. one wins instead when s/he loves. please reconsider your position about love. it is for everyone.
• United States
21 Feb 12
Thanks I was beginning to wonder. I love my guy and he loves me . I haven't had to compromise and hopefully he hasn't either.
2 people like this
@deedee328 (1127)
• United States
23 Feb 12
Yes, absolutely. To love someone else, you have to make compromises. The good thing is,if you are truly in love, it doesn't seem like a bad, or sacrificial thing. Love isn't a constant compromise. You may find that if you look a little closer, you are already making compromises without realizing that you are. You should not have to compromise on things that make you feel uncomfortable. Anyone who loves you will not ask you to do that.
• United States
23 Feb 12
No compromises being done! Sorry But my guy loves me and I love him!
@deedee328 (1127)
• United States
23 Feb 12
@sarahruthbeth My husband loves me and I love him with our hearts, but we still have to make compromises whether big or small. No two people are going to agree on every little thing in this life.
2 people like this
• United States
24 Feb 12
There is only one thing that I can remember my guy and I have disagreed on and it was minor. To each its own.
• United States
22 Feb 12
Love is the willingness to compromise. If your partner is not willing to reciprocate, maybe it's not love at all. I have been married for almost 42 years and we are very happy. One reason is that I am willing to take her feelings into consideration and she takes my feeling into consideration. Love is give and take (Compromise). If all you want is to take and not give you will not have a happy life.
• United States
22 Feb 12
Considering a lovers feelings and Compromising are two different things to me. I put my guy's happiness up with my own. There are things I will never will do and I have told him so. So once again what I feel Can not be love because I don't compromise on my beliefs or do things that make me uncomfortable. So it is good I will never marry, right , Or have kids. Since I can never love!
• United States
22 Feb 12
If your lover want you to compromise your beliefs, or do things that make you feel uncomfortable, then I would question his feeling for you, not your feelings for him. Always be true to yourself. No one cares more about you than you. If someone truly loves you they will accept you for who you are, not what they want you to be. You are correct, considering a lovers feelings is not the same as compromise. However, no two people see the world the same way. The best we can do is to find common ground. This can require compromise. If world views are too far apart, no compromise is possible. If a person is too inflexible, no compromise is possible. If you willy want to find love look for someone who shares your world view on the important things, like God, Religion, sexuality, even politics. Be willing to compromise on the small things. Most things a small, petty, and not worth fighting over. As long as I am not compromising my moral, ethical position I am willing to go along to get along. Finally, please be happy. Life is just too short to be up tight all the time.
2 people like this
• United States
23 Feb 12
I have found him! Actually he found me! We agree 98%= 99% of the time.We differ in religion but that is no biggy. I'm teaching mine and I'm learning his! The one issue we differed on we agreed to disagree and it was so long ago I vaguely remember what it was, lol. thanks for the great advice. I am living proof that there is someone out there for Everyone!
@veejay19 (3592)
• India
22 Feb 12
True love is unconditional,which means that there are no riders or strings attached.Both partners accept each others as they are,all the good and bad points taken into consideration without any reservations.In any relationship there has to be flexibility and adaptibility but compromise is not a factor.By compromising one unwillingly gives up something close to ones heart in order that the relationship runs smoothly.However it will continue to rankle in ones heart and make the relationship an uneasy one.
2 people like this
• United States
22 Feb 12
Thanks my friend. This is my definition of love. The appreciation of your attributes and acceptance of your faults. My guy Love me As Is. And I love him As Is!
1 person likes this
• Canada
22 Feb 12
I don't think compromise necessarily means giving up something close to your heart, it could be something trivial - do we have Indian or Chinese?
2 people like this
• United States
23 Feb 12
Grape, deciding to have Chinese Instead of Indian food isn't a compromise to me. It is Finally making up your mind! Luckily with take out, A couple Can have Both!
1 person likes this
• Canada
21 Feb 12
There is a big difference between compromise, and sacrifice. Compromise - I wwant to go to Croatia on my next vacation, my husband wants to go to Italy, we have two weeks vacation. Do we argue over where we go for the whole two weeks, or do we spend a week in Croatia, and a week in Italy? We compromise, and spend a week in both places. Sacrifice - I want to go to Croatia, he wants to go to Italy, so we only go to ONE of those places for the whole vacation. One of us gets our way, the other sacrifices. The above is just an example. LOL Hubby and I are both interested in spending the entire vacation in Croatia, if we only had the money! LOL :)
2 people like this
• Ireland
21 Feb 12
Agreed. There is a huge difference in a relationship between a compromise and a sacrifice. My boyfriend hates, and I mean HATES Christmas, now he's slowly coming around to the idea, but has never been into it at all. I had to sacrifice having a tree and decorations for the first year or two of our relationship, but whilst working on communication, we decided to compromise and I now have a small decorated tree each year. He is starting to enjoy Christmas a little because I encourage him to spend time with the children in the family - his nephews - and it is softening his hard exterior somewhat. That is compromise, what I had in the beginning was no Christmas, that was a sacrifice.
2 people like this
• United States
21 Feb 12
Danish, I wouldn't compromise. If I wanted to go to Croatia And didn't want to go to Italy ,I would suggest that he go to Italy and Me to Croatia and we meet later.Going to another country that I have no desire to go would make me uncomfortable And resent him Every minute I'm there. It is better he go to Italy and Me to Croatia.That way we both get what we want. The IrishClog, Christmas season is about 2 weeks, right. If my guy wasn't into it , I would just say I'll see you on New Years. He doesn't have to change and I don't have to miss Christmas. I wouldn't want my guy to just do things to appease me and He Better not think I will do things just to appease him. if we can't agree , then hew does his thing and I'll do mine!
1 person likes this
• Canada
22 Feb 12
danishcanadian, why not spend two weeks floating in the Adriatic? That's a political type compromise! You call yourself danishcanadian but don't want to spend your vacation in Denmark or Canada (I'm guessing you normally live in Canada but it's a big country and you can go to another bit of it)? TheIrishClog, why does your boyfriend hate Christmas? Is he Jewish, Muslim, afraid that ghosts will try to stop him from being a miser? Sara, shouldn't you be celebrating Hanukhah (however you spell it)?
• Canada
22 Feb 12
There's a bit in an episode of Star Trek: Deep Space 9 where Odo gives this talk on compromise in relationships. It goes something like: "You want to go out and she wants to stay home, so you compromise and stay home. You want to play a game, she wants to watch a show, so you compromise and watch a show. You want to see a ball game, she wants to see a Klingon Opera so you compromise and watch the opera." That sounds like a Palestinian type compromise. "Give me land for peace! Now give me more land for more peace ..." Then there are political compromises. This is where one group wants to develop a bit of land and another wants it protected because it's environmentally sensitive. So you trash the environment but don't build anything useful! Then there's the sensible compromise where one wants one kid and the other wants three so you have two. You really should find a partner with similar values but stuff happens. Best friend's huge wedding to a famous billionaire and the once in a lifetime try out for the Mars mission are both on the same day! One loves garlic, one become a vampire, that sort of thing. That's where things could get tricky. You shouldn't really beak up for just one small thing, or even quiet a few small things. However if one wants to celebrate Hanuckah and other Ramadan, you've probably got serious issues!
2 people like this
• United States
23 Feb 12
Agreed. With the first paragraph I would say go out and I'll be here when you get back. Call in a friend to play the game and by all means You Must see the ball game! There are more nights in the week. No way would I make a man I love take me somewhere while the ball game is on! Are you kidding me? Only his body would be with me , his mind would be on the game and the growing resentment he has for me because he is missing the game! As for those sudden changes, I would Still manage it so I get to do what I want and he gets to do what he wants. A Jew and a Muslim Can love And marry. They don't Have to celebrate the same holidays! Ramadan was Way before Hanukkah this year so there was no conflict. One year All three , Ramadan, Hanukkah, and Christmas happened at once but that is rare. All paths lead to G-d, Jesus, Allah.
• Canada
23 Feb 12
Sarah, you sound like a good woman, not the sort to drag her man round a shopping mall, trying on every female garment and asking, "Does this make me look fat?" or forcing her man to watch chick flicks. I was lucky, I found a woman who goes cloths shopping by herself and doesn't like chick flicks. I think a Jew and a Muslim could only be happy together if they didn't take their religions very seriously. Christmas and Hanukkah are always around the same time. So are Easter and Passover. The formula for Easter was devised so it would never coincide with Passover, which doesn't really make sense as Yeshua was crucified at Passover. Islam ripped most its things off from some other religion and simplified them so they don't work properly. The calendars the same so it doesn't have the right number of days in a year and no leap years so everything keeps moving round. I don't agree that "All paths lead to G-d, Jesus, Allah." Have you read the Koran?
1 person likes this
• United States
24 Feb 12
No I haven't read the Koran Nor have I read All of the Bible.I assume there are things in both that we as 21st people would say Hell No to. But that Does Not mean the path to G-d is not there. Thanks, I would Never ask a guy " Do I look fat?" Or drag him around a mall when he could be home watching the game. Actually I would be home if it is a hockey game on, lol! Muslims and Jews Believe in one G-d , the method differs. If there were some true understanding , a devout Jew and a devour Muslim could love each other.
@JenInTN (27565)
• United States
22 Feb 12
I think it is. I think you have found that piece that has completed you and that is when you don't have to compromise. That is not to say that love is like that for everyone. It is your other half that completes you. One that you don't have to compromise with because of who you are. Now for someone else where compromising is not a big deal, well, they might have another kind of piece that completes them. Does that make sense? LOL
2 people like this
• United States
23 Feb 12
Yes! It does! I was missing that one piece and my guy filled it and I did the same for him. There is no need for compromise because we are So similar it is scary! Others may Need to compromise to make everything fit! Thanks.
@shibham (17025)
• India
22 Feb 12
Hi sara... Love may seek compromise but it may be essential but to a limit coz we have our own life and it needs some freedom where compromises work less. I am not involved in a relationship till now but i will not sacrifice myself totally for the name of love. Have a nice time.
2 people like this
• United States
22 Feb 12
Thanks.I hope you will find love.
• Macau
22 Feb 12
i think whenever u meet the right persion, you will not consider love as compromise. Love is feeling, if you feel good when you with your lover, then it is the true love. Well, it's my personal opinion.
2 people like this
• United States
22 Feb 12
Thanks! Then it is true love. I get to be myself!
• Italy
22 Feb 12
Love is sharing. Sharing your "soul" with your partner, being two persons in one, that's because they call it "soulmate".
2 people like this
• United States
22 Feb 12
I can share my soul with my guy but I will not force him to like what I like. I want him to enjoy the things he likes.
1 person likes this
@youless (91494)
• Guangzhou, China
22 Feb 12
Yes, I somewhat agree that love means compromise. Since there are nobody in the world will be exactly like you who enjoys the same thing. Even twins have different minds. You will have different tastes in music, food, books, TV shows and so on. It will be too difficult that one shall give in to another all the time. So I think both of the lovers shall give in and try to follow each other's interests. And when you truly love someone, I think you are willing to do it. I love China
2 people like this
• United States
22 Feb 12
This means I don't love my guy! I don't think my guy has to like what I like. And I don;t think I have to like what he likes. My guy does not follow hockey and that is fine. I would Never make him see any of thew hockey games. So this must mean he doesn't love me and I don't love him? Really?
1 person likes this
• Canada
21 Feb 12
I don't think love demands compromise, if one has to compromise with the other in love then we really need to reconsider if it truly is love or not. If we keep on compromising in the name of love then that relationship will become a burden for us and we wouldn't be able to endure it for too long. We need to have an understanding of the other person and be willing to do things out of true love for them. I think love is for everyone, you just need to find the right person for you. Don't be disappointed, you will definitely find your true love...
2 people like this
• United States
22 Feb 12
Thank you. I think I have. My guy and I agree on everything so there is no compromising. I feared that what I have couldn't be love because of the definition of love Is Compromise. Now I know what I feel Is love!
1 person likes this
@mr_pearl (5037)
• India
21 Feb 12
Hi Sarah.. That is true.. I agree with you. Compromise would never do! That will leave one or both of the partners dissatisfied... And the dissatisfaction will lead to break up.. Compromise is kind of giving up your own space... Such relations would not last long.. I think, each of the partner should give the necessary space to the other... That keeps the relationship healthy and strong... :)
2 people like this
• United States
22 Feb 12
You are ready for your wife. you will respect her space and you won't try to get her to compromise! Now to find her! She is out there. You are not under you know who's curse. You Get It!
1 person likes this
• Jacksonville, Florida
21 Feb 12
I don't think you have to always compromise on things to be in love. It could be something so small you don't even realize you are compromising. Like if your man does not want to go out but you do. You say okay we can make it another night, you just compromised and its nothing major that will make you uncomfortable, its just putting his feelings above your own. I don't think its good to always be the one to compromise, it is a joint thing. If your both on the same page with most things you might only have to compromise on the smallest of things that are really no big deal. I do not think you need to compromise on things to be in love though. It just might make a relationship more difficult if you don't see eye to eye on things... Since you said you mostly agree on things it doesn't seem to me like you will have an issue with compromise. You don't need to compromise if you always agree! That makes things much easier! =) I'm glad you found someone for you, everyone deserves love.
2 people like this
• United States
22 Feb 12
Thanks. I'm so lucky. I have never wanted to go out while he wanted to stay in. I assume I would Still go out but not as long as I would With him. This is just a guess!
@vt689586 (585)
• India
21 Feb 12
i personally don't think love means compromise in any way.if love demands compromise then it is not love.it is just fake and there is no place for love in that relationship.and after some time you will be tired from that relation and want to break it up. love is very pure feeling and for that we can not mix any thing in it.
2 people like this
• United States
21 Feb 12
Thanks. I feel the same way. To me Loving my guy means I want his happiness just as much as I want my own! I wouldn't want him to compromise .
1 person likes this
@urbandekay (18312)
22 Feb 12
You take pride in that for which you should feel shame all the best urban
1 person likes this
• United States
22 Feb 12
Why Thank you . Why should I feel shame in wanting my guy to remain the same wonderful guy he was when we met. Why should I feel shame for wanting his happiness as must as I want my own?
@urbandekay (18312)
22 Feb 12
You take pride in not compromising but in doing so you force more compromise on he whom you love, if both don't bend, one must bend more. It is haughty and selfish of you not to compromise. You think it is strength but it is weakness, the weakness of a spoilt child all the best urban
2 people like this
• United States
22 Feb 12
I'm spoiled and stubborn and yet my guy loves me. He fell for me As Is.I never thought any guy would love me but he does! Is he bending? I don't know but I will ask. All I do know is he seems very happy.
@JJ4Ever (4696)
• United States
21 Feb 12
Sarah, I don't think love means compromise at all. In my mind, a relationship that is based on compromise is very weak because that means the partners do not agree on very much. I think partners should see eye-to-eye on most if not everything. Here and there, they may agree to disagree. It's like your earlier comment, he'll go his way and you'll go yours. Once whatever it is is done, then you can come back together. I don't think it's wrong for partners or spouses to enjoy doing different things, but I don't think that requires a compromise either. I also don't think the people in the relationship should have to feel like they must enjoy the same things as one another. Everyone is different! When I met my husband, I knew we wouldn't be exactly alike. That would be a little scary...actually. But we're enough alike that we don't have to compromise; we can just agree or disagree. I'd rather disagree than compromise! I see compromise as neither side getting exactly what they want. If we can't agree on a place to go to eat, we either don't go at all; or he goes where he wants, and I go where I want. In fact, we've done that several times where he wants fast food from this restaurant, but I want fast food from the other restaurant. We go both places. I don't think that's compromise. That's both getting what we want! It's all about partnership and working together. Where we're not alike, we get over it and move on. If he doesn't like something, I don't try to get him to come halfway with me. I get it - he doesn't like it so I shouldn't force him to like it. I married him for who he is, not who I'm going to turn him into lol. I think it's childish to have a relationship with a person based on who you want them to be. I was attracted to my hubby for who he was, and he's still the same crazy guy I fell in love with years ago...haha.
• United States
22 Feb 12
I agree with Every single word! Especially " I think it is childish to have a relationship with a person based on who you want them to be." It amazes me how women mostly think they can get a man to change. "When we marry he will change." and then they are so upset because he didn't ! I rather see how both of us can get what we want than have my guy yield to my wishes.And I won't yield to his! It is so easy to make sure we both go where we want to go or like you said eat what we want to eat. As for topics, My guy and I were friends before we fell in love and it was so easy to agree to disagree on the One issue we had different views. I feel so sad for those have to compromise Every day with a loved one.
1 person likes this
@JJ4Ever (4696)
• United States
22 Feb 12
Thanks for the three thumbs up! I appreciate that. I was thinking more about this topic after posting my response, and I thought to myself, "What if the relationship itself started as a compromise?" Here's the best example I can come up with for now... Have you heard of couples making pacts that if they don't find someone to be with by, let's say age 40 for the fun of it, then the two get together? That sounds like a major compromise to me! Neither of them really wants to be together, but they agree to get together anyway because neither of them wants to be alone. I'd rather be alone than with someone I'm not crazy about! I can deal a lot better with myself than someone else lol. And those poor women who think they can change a man... I was attracted to my hubby for who he was and certainly hope he never changes because I'm sure not going to try to change him! I like him the way he is. I think that's one of the biggest things that makes our relationships so strong and similar, that we were both best friends with our men before the romance kicked in. I think if you're friends first, you don't feel the pressure to have to please that person or make them like you. That's what was most attractive to me when I was first getting to know my man. He was actually dating my roommate at the time that I met him anyway, so it worked out better for me that I couldn't even see him romantically because of his status at the time. Life is too short to bicker about things and disagree. It's silly to sweat the small stuff anyway. If you don't agree, why can't you both have what you want? Why torture each other to make one give in when both people can by happy? I'm glad we both found awesome guys who understand us sooooo well!
1 person likes this
• United States
23 Feb 12
I was thinking about this post too. many here imply that I can't love Because I don't compromise.With both of your responses I Know I do love and these others must be settling.It changed my anger to pity. It is sad. As for your example, That is sooo sad. It is like these people have a chart they Must follow. If they are not married by age 30 , life is over! It is a failurew if they are alone. Being with someone Just because they are there sounds like the love-less marriage I dreamt of in my teens. Now I know I want love and understanding. You have a point! By being friends first And taking the romantic stuff slowly , you Really get to know a person. you didn't see Hubby as a partner because he had a steady. With me, I never saw myself as a romantic partner ever again. To say I love you that first time I feared the friendship would end! I still haven't compromised my views or myself. I assume he hasn't either. Thanks for writing again. We are very lucky indeed.
1 person likes this
@ShyBear88 (17420)
• United States
27 Feb 12
Everything in life has compromises love included it can be something small to something big. Like sharing a meal or splitting something. Yes I agree with my statement that you used to start a discussion. Love needs compromise, that doesn't mean one with out compromise doesn't work at all. But to me that isn't what a relationship is about. Its build on a foundation of several things, like trust, respect, communication. Compromises are part of communication making deals or find common ground on something. If there is nothing gained or lose there is no compromise but not all couples will agree on the same things. That is the kind of relationship I like. Not agree on the same thing all of the time and find away to make things work. It test our love even more and makes it stronger then some other peoples relationships because they don't want to go there. They don't want to push there love or even try to make it stronger because well they rather just give in to there partners needs or not even try. Why not try is what I can think? What is love with out finding away to make all things wrong for both half's even when you might not like something you find that happy medium as they say?
1 person likes this
• United States
27 Feb 12
We are so different. I don't need or want to test my love by Having to disagree on something So we could compromise. My guy and I Started with a happy medium. We Still haven't had a argument. And I hope to keep it that way. We get closer each day and find we agree on more things.
@ShyBear88 (17420)
• United States
28 Feb 12
That is why there is many many different type of relationships. I never want a relationship where all we do is agree on things. I like being challenged.
1 person likes this
• United States
29 Feb 12
The only challenge I want in life is sports related. If I had to fight over Everything I would leave sooner than later.
@inertia4 (27665)
• United States
27 Feb 12
There is a give and take in a relationship. I know for me it is way different with me and T then it was with me and my evil ex. I think what they mean by compromise is understanding the other person. And like the little things like, going to have dinner at her families house as well as her having dinner with my family. The little things. If you had to make major compromises, then there is no relationship, it would be a business agreement. Hey Now!
• United States
27 Feb 12
If I didn't understand my guy and he didn't understand me we wouldn't be together! No, compromise is More than understanding. It is giving up Just enough to get along. If I Have to compromise to find love, I would never have found it. Like most things , I would have said f@ck it , it isn't meant for me and walked away.
1 person likes this
@inertia4 (27665)
• United States
5 Mar 12
Well, I know for me and T it does not feel like anything. It just feels natural. I don't mind going to her parents, I actually enjoy it try much. I get along with them wonderfully. It's like they are my extended family. And T gets along with my family, it is awesome to say the least.
1 person likes this
• Marikina, Philippines
1 Mar 12
As for me, yes. Love means compromise but it still depends on people and on situation. It depends to the definition of love that people are trying to describe here on earth. It also depends on the personality of each person according to psychologists. I see some couple who are successful because they have the same interests. They complement each other. As I said, it depends to the definition of love on each person but as for me, yes. That is what I see in a real world. What I learn based on my experience is that though the couple has the same interests and they have the same taste, they still have different perspective and how they think is different. Yes, I really do believe thatā€¦ or maybe love is compromiseā€¦ I do not know. I am saying this because this is what I see in a real world and this is based on my experience too, but still it depends on each person. Experience is the best teacher so you have to experience first so that you would know the best answer to your question.
• United States
1 Mar 12
From a young age I thought I was told to Never Feel anything. So I never thought love was for me. A few years ago I Finally realized that love Could be for me. But I will not compromise. In my definition there is no compromise. My guy and I agree on 99% of the time. The one thing I vaguely remember disagreeing on , we just agreed to disagree.And I don't see that as a compromise. It shocked me that many would 1:compromise and 2:call it love. At first I thought they were saying what I felt Just can't be love or they were assuming I was lying or the great compromise Hasn't happened yet.Now I see that I'm the lucky one and I pity them.You are so correct. It does come down to your personal definition of love. My guy and I agree 100% on what love is.