Are we being selfish?
February 29, 2012 4:19am CST
I've been with my husband for nearly 11 years now, married for 2 of those years and in the past year have started getting little comments from his family about us having a baby. We do want to have children but we enjoy our life, going out when we wish, travelling, going to festivals, etc most of which would be difficult for us to do if we had children. Last time a comment was made, I said that I wasn't going to just have a baby because everyone else wants me to have one and I was told I was being selfish. If i don't want to have a baby, how am I being selfish to his family? When I asked them this, they said that babies keep a family going. Am I really being selfish by wanting to live my life first before settling to have children?
2 people like this
• Lenox, Georgia
29 Feb 12
I do not think you are being selfish at all. Your smart for waiting until your ready. A lot of freedom is given up when you have children. I love my kids more than anything. There are a lot of things we cannot do because we cannot find a babysitter or can't afford to go out and pay a babysitter. Thats not being selfish at all. I wish I did more before we had our children. Have some fun and then settle down so you do not regret anything. =) Tell them to have more kids if thats what they want, lol.
29 Feb 12
Hello suzyweasley, The decision will be yours and your husbands' No one can actually tell the both of you what you should do or not. If you both decide you don't want a children then there might be a reason for this. Parents have no say but an advise will be fine. No one has the right to tell you that you're being selfish just because you don't want (or at this time it is not your priority) to have kids... However, you just have to understand them, they might be longing for a baby to hold... maybe talk to them the reason why you and husband arent having babies yet.
29 Feb 12
It is not at all selfish of you to want to live your life first. It would in fact in my opinion be more selfish if you were to simply have a child for the sake of having it or to cooperate with his family's wishes, as you might end up regretting your decision and resenting the child's presence (I'm not implying you wouldn't love it with that sentence by the way, I hope you understand what I'm trying to say). Take your time, enjoy yourselves and when you are both ready to have a child, I wish you all the luck and love in the world.
• United States
29 Feb 12
No you are not selfish. If you do not want a child right now, or don't think your ready to have one, then that's the best thing you can do. If it makes you feel any better, I had been with my husband for seven years once we got married, and my folks gave us a year after that to start asking about grandkids. His family however started questioning us while we were dating and even though we don't talk to the majority of them, they would come out of the wood works just to tell us that we were being selfish. They especially went after me, seeing as I had just graduated from school and was starting my career, they told me it was selfish of me to put that first. I ignored them, if I couldn't support my family first, I wasn't going to have one. Once we were in the position that I could stop working and we'd be ok, that's when we had our daughter. Honestly, I think his family is being selfish. Try not to take it to personally, have kids if and when you want them, and not just because you feel pressure from them. If it's really bothering you your husband needs to step up and tell them to back off.
• Cambridge, England
29 Feb 12
It is entirely your decision whether you decide to have children or not. Parents and grandparents, however, love grandchildren and great grandchildren and you will always be under some sort of pressure to produce them. I imagine that, having been together for so long and now that you and your husband are married, your families took this as a sign that you are ready to start a family. Since you say that you do want to have children, but that you still enjoy the freedom of being able to go out when and where you want, this could be said to be somewhat 'selfish' ... but not towards the existing families as toward your OWN family (which you hope to start). Not only will you find it increasingly hard to cope with young children as you get older, there are also definite advantages to having children at the age you are now rather than waiting for two or three years. There is no doubt that children will create a big change in your lifestyle (and are a huge expense). They don't preclude travelling and going to festivals, however. You will just need to be incredibly organised and brave to include small children in your excursions. Many people do this with absolutely no harm to their kids and I admire them for it because they are including the children in their life as a family and therefore giving them a wider experience of adult life. There is one member here who regularly describes how she loves to travel and frequently posts about the problems which she has (and overcomes) with travelling to some very exotic locations with her disabled son. I believe, too, that she is a single parent!
25 Mar 12
You are under no obligation to keep any 'family going.' If the only reason they had you, or your husband, was for the sake of a future family then they're morons. No one owns you. If you don't ever choose to start a family, that's entirely up to the two of you. If you're happy the way you are, and your life suits you, then good for you. Someday you might be ready for kids, someday might never come. But having a baby to suit someone else is just going to cause resentment between you and your husband. And, assuming you do have a child, get ready for his family to make sure you know that you're raising it all wrong. They're all like that, the bossy ones. You two enjoy being a couple, and if you someday decide to become a family, fine. If not, then they should have had more kids so it wouldn't all depend on the one egg in the basket.
10 Mar 12
Actually that's your life. If your partner also thinks the same, then it's okay for for both of you not to have a baby, regardless of what others think about it. It's true that a child can make a relationship stronger but you also need to be prepare of a responsibility of bringing a life into this world. There's more to it than just having a child.
• United States
2 Mar 12
Take your time and have children IF and WHEN you are ready. Even if his family members choose to view you as selfish... having children is a personal choice between you and the man you love. You could avoid there comments about you being selfish or you could tell them to mind their own business.
• United States
2 Mar 12
Don't let anyone tell you you are being selfish! If they want kids or more children tell them to have them. When you have children they are your responsibility. In fact the individual who made those comments are being selfish. That person wants you to have children so that they can see them, perhaps when they want. But they don't have the responsibility to take care of the child 24/7 or provide for the child either. So it's selfish on their part to tell you to have children for their benefit, because obviously they are not thinking about what you and your husband wants. Don't have children until you are ready. Then when you are it will be your decision along with your husband. ENJOY all that you are able to do while you two have the freedom too. That is a great part of being married and not having children. Don't let what other people say or think for that part faze you, not one bit.
1 Mar 12
if they just broaden their minds then will realize that being a parent is not an easy task. having a child to raise is a difficult job that every parent should be prepared of. i think you have the reasons and if God will give you a baby He will in the right time. Don't be pressured on what other people say because first, its not their responsibility, it is ours. it is true that a baby brings so much joy in the family and once you are ready in God's time you will have. good luck.