Tough Life - Am I going to give up?

Philippines
March 1, 2012 10:30pm CST
I help take care for a sick person. I do it voluntarily because she is a relative and I don't know why I'm just the one among the relatives available to assist her. I cook food for her, accompany her to the hospital, do most of the things she once did when she was healthy, and be there for her whenever she's unable to do things herself. I know she resents me most of the time (I don't know why) but still I felt obliged to help and be there when needed. There are days that I feel so depressed and stressed because of that. This person doesn't hate me but she doesn't like me much either. She always finds fault in everything I do making it hard to please her. I tried to understand her because of her condition but she seems to always provoke me. Patience is a virtue but it's not what I always have. Would you say this is because her condition has affected her thinking? Thanks and good day!
1 person likes this
20 responses
@ecaron (678)
• Canada
2 Mar 12
When a person has been independent most of their life and then due to illness and old age they lose their independence it's very hard for them to accept, I think, so I don't think it's you personally she doesn't like it's just the situation she is in that she really resents. I commend you for being a care taker, it is not an easy job and requires a lot of patience. I probably will look after my parents too when they need it, as they are becoming quite old now too and it will be hard because they are both very independent and have always look after one another. When the day comes for me to care for them, I hope I can be as patient and caring as you seem to be with your relative. Good Luck to you, my lot , friend.
• Philippines
27 Mar 12
Thank you for the kind response. Appreciate it. Nice day to you!
@SomeCowgirl (32273)
• United States
2 Mar 12
I think that she is envious that you are able to do for her what she once did for herself. She wishes she could do it again, and is angered at her condition for not allowing her to do it for herself. I don't think she hates you, I am sure she loves you and appreciates it but wishes that she could do it for herself. Just keep on helping her and smiling, and maybe if it's possible giving her a little more independence and freedom, it will make her feel better to atleast try to do for herself again.
• Philippines
27 Mar 12
I have read all the comments here except the latest one. They were all encouraging and it helped me gave my best. I wasn't just able to respond back because things became so hard for her it broke my heart watching her ordeal while at the ICU. I expected her to last another year or more but she wasn't able to make it. I did learn so much from everything. Thank you for the helpful response.
@fergus (820)
• Ireland
2 Mar 12
Hi neelia_lyn, You are a great person to give up your time to help someone in need. I would not take it to heart some times when a person gets unwell its hard for them to let someone try to care for them you have to remenber this person had a life before they got unwell and they where able to look after themselfs it must be hard for them. This person knows your only trying to help and deep down thry love you for that. all the best my friend and welldone for being a good soul.
• Philippines
27 Mar 12
I learned a lot from my experience. It was tough and it takes a lot of understanding and patience and of course, love. With taking care of her, I came to value life and health more, and other people even better. She's now gone, just after a week of sharing this, we brought her to the ICU, but she wasn't able to make it. Thank you for sharing. Appreciate it so much
@shadjee1 (604)
• Philippines
2 Mar 12
I am not in the position to judge the person. But given the circumstances, that person might be feeling bad for herself and just doesn't want to show it. She might not be used to being helped. But I think that you should be patient and continue whatever you are doing because in the end, you will be blessed for it.
• Philippines
27 Mar 12
Thank you, shadjee. I wasn't able to reply soon because things went bad for her. I did balanced the situation and decided to give all I can to help and care for her even until her last breathe. After a week of sharing this and absorbing all the encouragement and strength from mylotters like you, we had heart to heart talk together and that's the time she really felt bad and always in pain even throughout her stay at the ICU for a week. We brought her home and a few hours later she succumbed. She's now gone but her good deeds will always be remembered. Thank you!
• Philippines
2 Mar 12
Sick people feel depressed more than you do, especially if their condition is not getting any better. Worse, they are irritable most of their waking hours. If there are people who deserve our utmost understanding, it's them. Be patient and bear with her tantrums. I know it's very difficult, I've been there and I've been that. Believe in in the Law of Karma...you will be rewarded for being helpful to the sick. I truly appreciate what you do to others.
• Philippines
3 Mar 12
Thank you, heaven_sent. I try putting my feet in her shoes to understand more of her condition. I know it's much tougher for her than for us and I wish I could be that help she really wanted. I know I could give all my best if she's only my focus but I have other people also who depend on me, so most of the time I get stressed and wanted to give up if things aren't supposed to be. I'm just glad mylot is here where I can draw some strength and encouragement. Thanks!
@katie0 (5212)
• Japan
2 Mar 12
I can believe this! How can someone accept your help and be shameless on criticizing you... It's time to let someone take your place, you are SUCH A GOOD PERSON! For even helping in the first place, now when it ends up hurting you your answer is to be good to you. We can do whatever we can for people but we have limits, see if you are not almost breaking yours and do what's best for you. I did volunteer in elderly home but I stopped when I had to go walking and the home was in a terrible neighborhood. I won't risk my self until then.
• Philippines
3 Mar 12
You are right, we do have our limits. Do you know that even if I'm sick with flu, I still have to get up, cook for her or wash her dishes because I have to? The problem with me is I was used to saying yes to her, I say no once and I'll be judged as a bad person, aww. It's hard but I just do it as long as I can and pray that God will give me more strength and patience. But as you've said, we have limits, and if it gets too much, I might just have to give up. Thank you, katie!
• Philippines
2 Mar 12
For me, your having a test. Allowing yourself to be able to help with somebody is a very extra ordinary Human Being coz you gave up some daily task just to focus your attention to a sick person. Few people will do that and your one of them. Its like a good deed, rendering your services to your relatives and even though the fact she didn't like you, it is challenging situation. You took care of her not against your will, wondering why she's so mean. Maybe because she feel helpless and she cannot do the daily living alone. She was desperate of losing he life that's why she doesn't want to bother anyone because of her situation.
• Philippines
3 Mar 12
Yup, I agree that some would have run away a long time ago. I'm just glad I have been toughened by difficulties even as a young child and even until now it's like I'm cut into this kinds of situation . Thank you for the kind words. I appreciate it so much.
@stanley777 (7176)
• Philippines
2 Mar 12
No, don't give up my friend because she needs you. As you have said there's no one among your relatives were available to assist her, but you. Your doing the right thing, it's more unacceptable if other people who is not related to her does what your doing. Maybe it's true, her thinking might had been effected because of her illness. Sometimes being sick and and feeling helpless also affects our judgement.
• Philippines
3 Mar 12
Thank you for saying that, stanley. I know she needs me but there are days when she lets me feel that she doesn't. I understand her situation and as much as I could I try to be patient with her. Thank you again
• United States
2 Mar 12
Doesn't sound like resentment. Sounds like embarrassment. She used to be able to do these things before, now she needs help. If she cooks different, see if she wants to help you cook. Or if she made a great dish that you always looked forward too ask her if she can help you make it one day. This way she still feels like shes is in control- if she says its good for a copy- make a joke out of it. Like can't beat the original. Believe me she does appreciate everything you do for her. I'm sure you already do- but include her in things. Like she dusts and you vacuum,etc. Its not easy. But just know you're helping someone out- when everyone else turned their backs.
• Philippines
3 Mar 12
She used to be in control and sometimes manipulative of things and people. I think that's one of the reasons. All she can do now is to use the CR which is just 5-6 steps from her bed. She can't hardly stand and she's physically weak but her spirit is still mean and strong. When she talks, without looking at her, you would think she is one strong, healthy and a big person. Most people think that she is lucky enough that there are still people who are here for her. I know though that deep inside she appreciates the help we give her but is too proud to openly admit it . Thank you. Just by having this discussion with mylotters like you have lifted my spirit.
@shylade (3138)
• Philippines
2 Mar 12
yes maybe her condition contributes to her mood swings. sometimes people say the other way around so don not be discourage if she is showing not to like you. God has a purpose why you are with her and i know that you know that she needs you. god bless your kind heart.
• Philippines
3 Mar 12
Yeah, you're right. I have learned that in difficult situations there will always be a purpose and lessons to learn. Thank you. I feel relieved and strengthened now by mylotters like you.
@nyang1984 (464)
• Philippines
2 Mar 12
don't give up on her despite of the things she do to you. and i'm pretty sure that you will be given a hundred folds of blessings cause god sees your kind heart. and be grateful that once in your life you were with here there to accompany her. and you have memories to cherish with her cause life is too short.
• Philippines
2 Mar 12
Thank you, nyang. I do need your encouraging words. That's one thing that keeps me going - that God will bless me . Another thing also that comes to my mind when I'm about to give up is that when I think that I'm given an opportunity to help someone in need. Thank you!
@WakeUpKitty (8709)
• Netherlands
2 Mar 12
To many it will be hard to realize that that they are not able to do themselves what they could do before. Still.. there are plenty of (seriously) ill people who do respect the ones who are helping out, are not always picking on them and are thankfull and happy with the help and attention. I think if you help out someone you should do it by heart otherwise it's useless. I also strongly believe you have to be honest to yourself and that person. Tell her that if she does not change her attitude you will not longer help her out. No matter if she is relatived or not. Just make that announcement and don't let yourself pulled into any discussion about that. See next days how she will respond on you. If not positive stay away. There is no need to get depressed and sick just because of one person, it's not worth it. BTW if you want you can always find an excuse for bad behaviour!
• Philippines
2 Mar 12
I agree. There are seriously ill people who can manage to control their emotions and they don't have to lash out to almost everyone they see. She is still normal enough to give considerations to the people around her. I help and do everything I can without expecting something in return but sometimes she seems to be resenting the help and concern we show her. Thank you so much for the helpful response.
@beamer88 (4268)
• Philippines
2 Mar 12
Even though I haven't been in a similar situation as you are in now, I kind of have a very clear idea of what you're going through. I don't think her sickness has affected her thinking or anything. As a matter of fact, I think she's clearly knows what she's doing. One possible thing is she's frustrated about the state she's in and she venting all that frustration to you. People sometimes do this and it really tests the patience of the one taking care of them. You just really need to have more patience. I'm sorry if I couldn't give much helpful advice. Well, the other option is for you to stop caring and helping her which I think you don't want to do.
• Philippines
2 Mar 12
Yes, beamer88, I agree that she is venting all that frustration to me and to others also who are assisting me. It's not easy and it seems I'm reaching the end of my patience but I don't want to stop caring and helping because my conscience will bother me . Thank you, beamer, I think I do need to grow my patience more
@Fishmomma (11562)
• United States
2 Mar 12
I find its hard to accept help, as its easy to feel your a burden to the other person. When I came home from the hospital I was suppose to stay in bed and it certainly wasn't easy for me, as my husband had to bring me whatever I needed. I tried to ask for everything needed at one time, so he wouldn't have to make lots of trips. The only times I could get out of bed was to the bathroom and I had to have help just getting out of bed. Your doing a great job helping and think this person may have felt a little like me me. Its hard to feel so needy.
• Philippines
2 Mar 12
Feeling that you're a burden to others when you're sick is just normal. And you would be grateful if the one who cares for you doesn't complain no matter how difficult the situation is. I do hope you are doing great and feeling better now. Thank you for sharing, Fishmomma, and for the encouraging words.
@lampar (7597)
• United States
2 Mar 12
Her condition interfere with her judgement, that may well is the reason she seem to provoke you all the time, when a person is in a bad physical and mental condition, her thinking can be affected by that alone, she may not be able to think clearly because of her sickness. I for one will not give up on her, as the going get tough, the tough get going. Think of all these help and good you do to her after she fell sick, even though she may not appreciate that due to her ill condition, you should not take it too personal, instead you should continue to care for her just like you want to be care for by your relative when you get sick next time. All these good you did for her will no doubt be pay back to you when your turn come in the future.
• Philippines
2 Mar 12
Well, I'm sure that most of the time it is due to her illness that affects her thinking. I can understand her, yes, and maybe I just needed a break to relax and unwind. It's tough having to cope up with this situation every day. If I won't be able to unwind for just a few days I might surely give up on her. Thank you for the helpful input.
2 Mar 12
I think alot of it has to do with the person having to accept the fact that they need help doing things they once did with ease. I clean for my elderly uncle and he used to act that way toward me, but after a while he opened up and let me know how much he appreciated it and we've become more like good friends. Trust me it's worth it especially if your the only one helping it means alot to the person.
• Philippines
2 Mar 12
Maybe you're right. But sometimes the way she acts is already a part of her nature ever since. I understand what she is going through but sometimes I feel like I had enough. Thank you, kalabroa, I appreciate your response.
• India
2 Mar 12
I would say that you will not give up because no matter the reason to think that way but helping others always gives us peace of mind. The job you are doing right now is your will and you are doing that without expecting anything in return and that is what keeps you going in any circumstances. Hope you keep up the good work and in today's world there are only a few people as good hearted as you ! Good Day !
• Philippines
2 Mar 12
I really wanted to give up, really, especially if she isn't so considerate enough to care that I cannot give everything she wants and that I am not always healthy 365/366 days a year to attend to her needs. But I try not to give up and draw encouragement and strength from people like you. Thank you for the kind response
@laken02 (3068)
• United States
8 Mar 12
i am in a similar situation and first of all remember that in your act of kindness god sees your effort even if she does not appriciate it. and god will reward you greatly, i live next door to an 80 year old man, who his family never came to see him so i befriended him and took him food, and then i finally got intouch with his son and now he comes sometimes and sees him which im thankful for, but he does not come as often as he should, and that bothers me, i guess he dont realize he is gonna get old one day too.. but becasue they know i check on him they come less which is not right.. i check on him every day, and go places with him try to get him out took him walking, fishing, and such and then there is the off days that his memory gets bad and he thinks i did something to aggirvate him and accuses me of doing stuff, like he said i broke into his house one day, and i did not he got mad at me told his son that and did not speak to me for 2 days.. and he has been doing that alot latley, so my friend suggested that i back off some and let him come to me if he wants something, so tha tis kinda what im doing, if i dont check om him i will have the neighbor kids check on him for me.. he is a nice guy, but my husband does not like him because he hit on me and came out and told me he wanted me.. so i was aftraid for awhile then i realiuzed he is 80 and harmless.. anyhow lately i have left him alone and he has done just fine. he knows where im at if he needs me, and i hate to admit it but it feels good to n ot feel responsible for anyone but me... i think you need a break as well, it will drive you crazy see if there is someon else who can help out, reach out and get help before it gets you down hun.. good luck im praying now for you..
@Rick1950 (1538)
• Lima, Peru
3 Mar 12
I think your relative should be grateful with the help that you are offering to her. You're doing well and having enough patience as well. May be her behaviour is due to the illness she is suffering and she is unable to appreciate your help.
@espoir (184)
• China
3 Mar 12
Hi, She doesn't hate you resent you at all. I think what she is experiencing makes her frustrated and despise herself, so she gets grumpy. Deeply down, she knows you are doing goods things for her. Many patients who experience such situations loose control of their temper as well. So don't take it personally. You are doing a very good thing. And you have to find inner peace and be patient with her.