Marriage/work dispute

March 3, 2012 6:46pm CST
My friend got married last year. She wants nothing more in life than to settle down and raise a family, but her husband works in football and he can be told to move to a new area at any time. He has ambitions and wants to move up the ladder in his career, while she just wants a settled life. She asked me today if her dreams are silly - having a home, raising a family and having a menial part time job. I don't think so, but I am a stay at home mum and I have never had much ambition to be more, all I ever wanted was a family. I don't really know what advice to give her. Her husband clearly wants to do well in his business, but she doesn't want to be alone with their future family and would prefer if he was home more.
10 responses
6 Mar 12
So let me get this right... she married the guy even though they want totally different things out of life? That's asking for trouble, if you ask me. Kinda dumb thing to do, especially since they don't seem to have talked about it at all before now. Her dream is perfectly fine: personally, I'd rather be a househusband than have to go out and earn - it's just how I'm built. There's nothing wrong with that. In fact, I'd say it's a major positive, really: the kids will have a parent around a lot more, and that's a good thing. As far as her situation's concerned, too bad: she's gonna have to compromise unless she fancies constantly growing resentment that ends in divorce.
7 Mar 12
They've been together since college, so you would think they might have discussed these things. Or maybe they have, but didn't agree and decided to ignore it. I know I couldn't cope with a partner who was never home with me and my kids. I prefer being a homemaker too, I have only ever done menial work (stacking shelves in a supermarket) and if I was going out to work now, I would look for something similar. I have no ambition to start a career, and I would be no good at it now, as my mind is always on my children!
@bing28 (3798)
• Philippines
4 Mar 12
He has to follow his husband's decision, anyway she wanted a family. It's alright if she would sacrifice her work. Her husband is doing well with his business and can manage to support her and their family. Should she still want to work then she can apply a new job near their new home.
@bing28 (3798)
• Philippines
4 Mar 12
correction, she has to follow his husband's decision.
@dorannmwin (36698)
• United States
8 Mar 12
I think that there are a lot of cases where two people in a relationship have very different overall goals and the only way that those things are able to work is to compromise in some way. On the one hand, I can see why the husband doesn't want to have to give up his career, but having a family and being uprooted at anytime is not the way that any family would want to live. Her wanting to settle down and have a family is a great goal, but it could be that right now just isn't the right time for that to happen.
@cearn25 (3460)
• Philippines
5 Mar 12
Having a family is a very irreplaceable thing to do. I would advice her to take a break from work and start to a new life of being married. I believe it is the wisest decision she can do. Work is always there. As long as the husband has a stable job, it can already support a starting family. While in marriage also, she can have a business.
@shylade (3137)
• Philippines
5 Mar 12
i agree with you that once you have a family you stop dreaming for yourself. its not that you get stuck with it, it is just that you becomes selfless and all you will wish for is for your family. they must talk and tell her husband what she really want and then they meet halfway. it should not be only one's want, it should be a mutual decision so when the time comes it won't work out then they should not blame each other.
• Philippines
5 Mar 12
This to me just sounds a lot like "Cheaper By The Dozen," and I think that pretty much sums up what I have to say here. To be honest, I believe that dreams and ambitions evolve, and boy do they change once you already have a family. It's not bad if you just want to settle down and focus on the family. The fact that you have a part-time job is already enough for as long as she's happy. As for her husband, if the ambition is motivated by raising a family and putting food on the plate, then it's all within reason. I think the most important thing in a relationship is understanding and support. Many seem to think that if someone wants to simply settle down, it sounds like they're giving up on ambition. I totally disagree with that. It's just simply making your family a priority. After all, raising a family is the best ambition one can have. On the other hand, there are people, like her husband, that wants to further their career and follow through with their ambition, which doesn't mean you're not making your family a priority, unless you have another motivation other than your family. It's just a matter of supporting each and every individual in the family.
4 Mar 12
As others have said; your friend and her husband need to sit down together and discuss their future. If she just goes long with what he wants she might start to resent him and that will put a terrible strain on their relationship. Marriage is a partnership and both parties have to know what the other needs and wants to make it work and make compromises and sacrifices when necessary. As for her dreams; there's nothing wrong with dreaming of a quiet, simple but happy life. Not everyone wants to be a high flyer.
• Canada
4 Mar 12
I don't think it's silly to have dreams we all have dreams sometimes we can push them along to come true and sometimes we have to settle with a different version of the dream. She knew that her husband is in football and with that you can be traded and have to move to another town, or move around to play different games. It's similar to having a husband in the army, they are away for a period of time and you know that while your dating and when you decide to marry unless the topic was never brought up for discussion. I would start that family, maybe taking in a child or two for a little extra income at home, this way when dad is home the baby is there and there is no real need to approach having the child in daycare. Her husband wants to succeed so that he can provide a good home environment for his wife and children. The further he succeeds the more salary he will receive, eventually those in sports focused businesses retire earlier than those in an office setting so she can look forward to those days. Or he'll be home on the off season be able to enjoy their time together. Absence makes the heart grow fonder.
@UmiNoor (3477)
• Malaysia
4 Mar 12
That is quite a situation your friend has got herself into. She should have thought about it before she got married. Now she finds that what she wants may be different from what her husband wants. I think they should talk and come up with a solution that would be satisfactory for the both of them. Perhaps she could give him a time period that she would postpone starting a family and just follow him wherever he goes and then after the period of agreed time, he's probably would be too old to play football and can settle down to a life as a football coach and then they can start a family. Just a suggestion.
@maezee (31040)
• United States
4 Mar 12
That definitely sounds like a conundrum - spouses having very different goals in life. I think it's probably important for them to be on the same page. I guess this is where compromising comes into play - perhaps he can still move up the corporate ladder, just by going after jobs and promotions that DON'T cause him to have to travel or work weekends, etc. And maybe she can be a little more compromising in that these are her husbands dreams, and in order for them to be happy, he probably has to be. *shrugs*. Maybe they can wait a few years until his career takes off to start a family, or something like that. I hope it works out.