My granddaughter is getting defiant at 5 yrs old.

United States
March 14, 2012 12:36pm CST
Today is a school day and she wanted to take her french toast into the TV room to eat. I told her no because it's too messy. So she stomps on the floor and tells me that I'm not being nice. I tell her to sit down at the table / kitchen island. She sits down and says she wants to go eat in the TV room again. I already told her no, and I remind her of that. So she kicks the island! And she tells me that Santa isn't going to bring me any presents for Christmas. And then she goes on about how mean I am, and I need to be nice to her. We spend a lot of time arguing. Sometimes she is late for school because of the trivial stuff.
4 people like this
11 responses
@cher913 (25893)
• Canada
14 Mar 12
raising kids these days is even harder than it used to be because of the world we live in. kids have lost respect for their elders it seems. you need to stand firm on what you think is right and speak to her parents too.
2 people like this
@cher913 (25893)
• Canada
14 Mar 12
if she continues on about you getting no presents for Christmas, may be you can say that she won't be getting any either because she is not listening to you.
3 people like this
@NailTech (6890)
• United States
14 Mar 12
Totally agree with cher, she is the one who is not being nice and shouldn't be getting any presents for Christmas. She is using that against you the adult whereas you should be using that against her. The tables have turned there bigtime, wow. I would have probably just stood firm and told her that.
2 people like this
• United States
15 Mar 12
LOL! I know... SHE is the one that's not being nice! I tell her that but it doesn't matter to her because she's not completely understanding that concept. Right now, the way she sees it is she wants something and I tell her she can't have it - so to her I am being mean. That's what I'm having trouble helping her to understand. I told her that she was being mean so Santa isn't going to bring her anything, and she said "that doesn't make sense Nana because you are being mean by not letting me eat in the TV room"
@ShyBear88 (17052)
• United States
14 Mar 12
Oh my if that was my daughter I would just let her sit there and cry about it. Get all out of her system before she goes to school. If she told me that Santa wasn't bring me anything for Christmas I would have said you know what that is fine because I'm an adult and your mommy and no body said I had to be nice to you because you don't want to listen to me right now. Although I don't have any rules of where you should eat in my house so eating in the living room is fine with me but if there was a rule about something like that then I would stick too it. Either I would let my daughter cry over where she eats her food or tell her to go and not eat and that she better not complain to me or her dad later because she didn't eat breakfast that day before school or where ever.
2 people like this
• United States
15 Mar 12
She doesn't cry, she just gets defiant and wants to be her own boss. But that won't work with me. After school I play a couple of games with her or we go to the park or mall. Usually when she is in her defiant mood I tell her that I won't play a game with her or we won't go to the park/mall.
@ShyBear88 (17052)
• United States
18 Mar 12
I didn't say you made her cry or let her cry. I was talking about my own kid. I wouldn't care if my daughter was crying to the point she turned red which she does some days when she wants things here way. All kids are defiant at any age its part of growing up and not wanting to do what others tell them to do whom ever is in charge it gets worse in the teen years when they think they are old enough to be an adult to make there own choices about ever little thing. Me I would just let them sit in the same room with being miserably till they listen to me. That is me as a mom and aunty. Cry, throw things, say things I've done them all myself as child, and teenage its nothing new.
@Mashnn (4503)
15 Mar 12
You are doing the right thing and do not get bothered by what she says. She just want you to give in to her demands. Remember that when you plan to discipline a child, the most important thing is to be consistency. Otherwise, your discipline strategies will not work.
1 person likes this
• United States
16 Mar 12
Consistency has never been my strong trait. But I'm working on it.
@Mashnn (4503)
18 Mar 12
Unfortunately, when it comes to disciplining young children, we just have to learn to be consistency, otherwise, we get our children more confused.
@Cutie18f (9564)
• Philippines
15 Mar 12
I think a little pinch or spank will put her in place. We do that to the kid in the house. I did it only once when she showed some bad attitude, I gave her a pinch and she behaved after that. Whenever she starts being defiant, I just ask her if she wants a pinch, and she straighten out immediately. So you see, I only did the pinching once and it has since then made her remember not to be stubborn or else.
1 person likes this
• United States
16 Mar 12
How old is she? My 5 yr old would tell me that it's wrong to pinch and she would pinch me back. In this case, I think if it did work she would think it was ok for her to pinch others when they don't do what she says. Thank you for your input, though, I appreciate it.
@Archaiwy (599)
• China
15 Mar 12
It's interesting for kids to lose their temper.Maybe he is self-willed at that time,or maybe he has his own excuse.reading what you wrote above , i think of the time when my son was very young.When he wantd to do something,sometimes i stopped him . But now I think maybe i was wrong then, because i didn't think why he wanted to do it i only stopped it on my side.
1 person likes this
• United States
15 Mar 12
Yeah, I know what you mean. But I think you probably were right, it's just that now it might not seem like that big of a deal to you. Sometimes it's hard being a parent. We want our kids to grow up to be good people, but at the same time we wonder if we were too strict.
14 Mar 12
I have two children: 13 year old Daughter and a 7 year old Son. With both of them I took a different approach when dealing with them. With my daughter I found myself arguing over and over with her constantly. After sitting an evalutaing the situation I came to the conclusion that arguing wasnt working for anyone. I was getting frustrated, she was cranky and didnt respect me and my rules. When my son was born i decided that things were going to be different. No yelling, no arguing. Some how I had to find something that worked with him so I had a different outcome. When he was about 2 I decided that we were going to do the talk/explain/remind method. If this didnt work (occassionally it didnt) I would always say in a serious plain voice " you need to go to your room and when you feel you are ready to listen, you are more than welcome to come back down." He may have been there for 1 hr or maybe even 10 minutes but every single time he came back down, the issue was over and done with. Ive learned that arguing with them only feeds the fire and gets them going, making for a situation that is a whole lot worse then it should be. Still to this day, at 7 years old...when he is out of line or not listening I will say my famous line and off he goes...ending that current situation once and for all!
• United States
15 Mar 12
That's good that you figured out a different way to deal with your son! I know what you mean when you say that arguing doesn't work for anyone. Sometimes I get caught up in it before I realize what we're doing. She has had to sit in the corner at least once a day for the past week. She talks back and doesn't get it that sometimes she isn't supposed to do certain things. She thinks saying no to her is just for the purpose of being mean to her. It's when I'm trying to explain the situation that we get into the arguments.
@Jessi_T (380)
• United States
14 Mar 12
The key really is not to argue with her at all and patience. For instance when she wanted to take her breakfast into the TV room since you do not allow her to do so, you should remind her of the rule, and firmly tell her to eat her breakfast. If she starts whining or arguing ignore her, if she starts kicking you need to put her in time-out and she needs to stay there for five minutes even if that means you are going back and forward with her until she stays. Trivial stuff is no reason to be late for school. If she wants to argue or be uncooperative, maybe leave for school earlier so she can have breakfast at school or if the school does not offer a breakfast program, you should get her up earlier if it takes her longer to eat, until she gets in the routine of following direction and doing what is asked when asked. Oh and if she is not done eating when it's time for school you should just take her to school without finishing her breakfast. Eventually she will learn you are serious and began to behave correctly and give you a peaceful morning. I had to smile though at the "You aren't getting anything for Christmas" remark. It's only March, and you already lost your presents. Kids say anything when they are angry, and usually ignoring them works if it don't then it requires us to just stay firm and teach them whose boss, even if that means some noisy mornings and your feet constantly tracing the same route to time out.
1 person likes this
• United States
15 Mar 12
Ya know, I think I'm forgetting about the 'ignoring' part. She did get a time out this morning, and she goes to the corner good. She might complain on the way to the corner, but she gets there. Then she didn't have enough time to finish her breakfast, which didn't bother me. She doesn't like the school breakfast. I'm going to have to remember to ignore her when she gets that way.
@dragon54u (31608)
• United States
14 Mar 12
You are giving her a lot of power over you by consenting to argue. Rules are rules and must be obeyed as it is your house, your things she will be messing up. If she thinks you're so mean, tell her to make her own breakfast and see how she likes that. I did that with my kids and they quickly realized that they were being the mean ones! Five years old is a time of testing, looking for adult weaknesses and gauging how far they can push you. Don't argue or you'll be arguing with her for the next 50 years! Be firm with her but not draconian. Sit down with her at breakfast and talk--if you're like me you're busy in the morning but I found sitting down with my boys stopped all that nagging to eat in their rooms or watch TV (which they weren't allowed much of). Good luck!
1 person likes this
• United States
15 Mar 12
Good advice! I also think that I have been giving her power when I argue with her. I'll explain to her why she can't do something, but she doesn't understand it, so then we argue. I don't know if I'm not explaining it well enough or maybe I shouldn't explain it at all. You're right, I don't want to be arguing with her all the time. I think maybe I talk too much in those situations when I should just state the rule and shut up.
@marie2052 (3697)
• United States
14 Mar 12
Does she get away with this at home with her parents or is she trying her strength with Grandma? I have always treated my children and grandchildren the same. if they need correcting they get it. I know I go to the stores and see a lot of temper tantrums and parents just ignoring the situation and it gradually gets worse. I have seen kids hit their parents and the parents do nothing. Or I have seen parents just hold on to their kid through the tantrum and I never got that either. But then I was raised in a family where you did something like that you got spanked. Big difference from 1950's to present how children are raised. Good luck with her. I do know you are not by yourself in this situation.
• United States
16 Mar 12
My husband and I are raising her. The last couple of weeks she has been doing this. I've got some good advice and suggestions by making a discussion out of it. We raised 2 boys so I can predict some of the behavior and correct it but this just seemed to be getting worse so I thought I'd get some objective advice.
• United States
17 Mar 12
She is just testing her limits with you. If you give in she has you where she wants you. She’ll get over it. I think that is pretty normal to wanting to have her own way. I think you did the right thing, and not play into her demands.
@JenInTN (27565)
• United States
16 Mar 12
I'd tell her that was ok that Santa knew about all the rules and he might be thinking there is a little missy that wasn't wanting to go by them It's tough when they become defiant and to a certain extent, I think they are testing the boundaries. Of course we have to be careful about how far we let them go, but an opinion is different from a reaction..so the kicking..well..that might have to be addressed. I think that if you stay consistent, she will understand what is acceptable and what is not. I might even have an after school chore when we had to be late over antics...but when we didn't..she might have some free time.