I just wanna know why..

United States
March 31, 2012 9:43am CST
Ok, pretend you're a guy.. you had a girlfriend 12 years ago when you were 19/20. Although the two of you were in love, you were too young for your relationship to work out. You both made a lot of bad mistakes, cheating on each other, saying terrible things, etc. So after a year of being together you break up. You both move on with your lives. The girl goes and gets married and has some kids. You settle yourself down with a new girl, have a couple kids, and stay with her for like 10 years. Then something happens and you find yourself single again. A few months go by and you see your ex's profile on Facebook (or maybe you purposely looked her up). You haven't spoken in 12 years. You see she's married with kids. Why would you send her a friend request? This is the question that's been bugging the heck out of me all week! Last Sunday morning I woke up to a friend request from my ex. As I said, we broke up 12 years ago. We haven't spoken at all since. I have come across his Facebook page (he and my hubby have a mutual friend so I noticed it one day, and once or twice since I've looked him up to see what he's up to). He had been with another girl for like 10 years, but they broke up late last year. They had 2 kids together. I don't know if he's seeing anyone now because his profile is completely private. My husband knows this ex. Hubby and I were friends while I was dating the ex, and he was there to witness how terrible our relationship was. Let's just say the two of them did not get along well, both were jealous of the other. Not to mention, during a bad time in my previous relationship I did "go out" with hubby, but then sort of "dumped" hubby to get back with the ex. Eventually after the ex and I broke up for good I started dating hubby again.. and this time it worked out. So although I'm curious, I did not accept the friend request because it would have upset my husband. But I haven't been able to stop thinking about it all week. Why on earth after all this time would he send me a friend request?? My profile is not private, anyone can look me up and see all of my status updates and all my info. If he wants to see what I'm up to, he doesn't need to friend request me, he can just look. If he wants to talk he can send me a message, but he hasn't done that. (BTW- he is now subscribed to my updates so he'll see them on his wall even without being my friend.. I've thought about going private but I have nothing to hide, all he'll see is how much I love my kids and my hubby). I don't know why I'm so curious. I am happily married and won't do anything to jeopardize my marriage.. but the curiosity is killing me. Obviously I'm not going to ask him.. I'm going to avoid all contact with him so as not to upset my husband. What reasons can you think of for this ex to send me a friend request?
4 people like this
11 responses
• United States
31 Mar 12
i can actually kind of relate... i dated a guy when i was in high school and we were going to get married and something happened and we broke up. he added me as a friend and i didnt think mush of it. i am also married and my husband said it was ok but i kept him clued in on what was going on so he didnt feel like i was doing anything wrong. after about a year we exchanged numbers and started texting like everyday. he came to the house to meet my husband and we sat outside and talked for about an hour me him and my husband. after that i saw him 1 other time by accident and we talked for a few then i took off because my husband wasnt around. now to answer your question he could have added you so you guys could talk. not take you away from your family but to be friends. my ex did this so we could straighten things out because we ended on a bad note and to many rumors were flying around. may be he just wants to be friends with you AND your hubby again. after all these years he could have grown up a lot and wants the friendship you all once had back. there are many other things i could think of not including a friendship lol but this is one i have delt with before. actually 2 times now another ex of mine tried to fight my husband in school and my hubby dont like him anymore and we rarely talk but will text evry now and again just ot see how we are doing. he knows his place tho. i would wait to see if he mesages you and go from there.
1 person likes this
• United States
31 Mar 12
I just think it's odd that after 12 years he'd try to friend me on Facebook. 12 years is a long time, and he doesn't know if we have anything in common anymore. Even if it is just for friendship.. it just seems so strange, don't you think? I mean if we broke up like 1 year ago, then you could assume he might want to be friends or whatever because people don't change a whole lot in 1 year.. but after 12 years, a lot of things change.. that's almost half a lifetime at my age. It just seems like after that long there's really no reason for it. BTW- I should have mentioned, based on what I've seen of his profile, he doesn't seem the type to just add people he's known. He only has like 80 friends, not the hundreds a lot of people had. He hasn't tried to add my husband or my son, who are also people he's known. Also, there are a few other people on hubby's friend's list that he used to know as well, but hasn't added them either. So thinking that perhaps he just came across me and added me without really thinking doesn't seem likely either. I believe there was a purpose.. I'm just dying to know what that purpose is.
1 person likes this
• United States
31 Mar 12
when me and my ex went thro this it has been about 8 years. but i agree 12 yrs really is a long time. it does seem very strange. there really is no reason for it. wow after reading that i am thinking it is to get close to you again and hope to try and make things work after all this time even if you are married. there are guys out there that when they lose someone after so long that go back to the past. instead of moving on in their life they try to find the old people and fix things there even if that results in losing a friendship. there is only 1 way to know and you could do that without adding him. all youd have to do is flat out ask him why after all this time did he think it was ok to add you. that you are happily married and you dont want to mess that up. there is no reason to make your husband mad over this just tell him you want to let him know that this is not acceptable and find out why. i dont know your husband or the relationship you once had but i think id wanna know to loll that is why i msged my ex's back :) GOOD LUCK!! i hope it all works out for you.
1 person likes this
• United States
31 Mar 12
I don't really want to message him to ask. That would show him and my husband that I'm thinking about it, and I want them both to think that it's not bothering me. I guess I'm just going to have to be curious until either he messages me for whatever reason, or I forget about it. I'm hoping I just forget about it because the more he tries to contact me, the longer that keeps him in my life. I should just fully block him, but my curiosity is obscuring my judgement because I keep waiting to see if he will try to message me so I can get some answers.
@rocketj1 (6960)
• United States
31 Mar 12
It's only ever going to be speculation unless you could actually ask him yourself. 1. He's curious. 2. He wants to start something romantic. 3. He wants his ex to see that you are friends and drive her crazy. 4. He simply wants to be your friend. 5. He did it on a whim/bet/dare. 6. He wants to tick off your husband. 7. He fantasizes about you. 8. He's hoping to borrow money. 9. ...... etc. etc. You'll never really know and even if you talk to him, you will probably never really get a true answer. Why have I looked up old boyfriends and read their fb pages? I'm not really sure myself. Although I have never friend requested them......
1 person likes this
• United States
31 Mar 12
The one or two times I've looked at his page to see what he's up to, I also looked at his girlfriend's page because she was more active than him. She has moved on to someone new already and lists the new guy on her profile.. so letting her see that me and him are friends probably wouldn't bug her a whole lot. Though some of the other possibilities could be true.. but if he did it on a bet/dare why would he subscribe to my updates and hasn't unsubscribed yet.. and if he did it to borrow money why hasn't he contacted me yet? You know.. just so many questions. Maybe he is just curious.. but as I said, my page is not private so no reason to actually add me, he can just look without me knowing he was ever there.. like I've done in the past. The other question I keep asking myself is why do I want to know so badly? Knowing won't change anything.. so why should it matter? Regardless of the reason, I'm married, I love my husband, I'm not going to do anything to hurt him or my kids or screw up my perfect little life I have with them. So why do I need to know his reasons?
@rocketj1 (6960)
• United States
31 Mar 12
I'm sure that I have a little need in myself to think that maybe my ex is still pining away for me. ..... And that he missed out and can't have me! LOL!!
• United States
31 Mar 12
I'm sure there is a part like that in all of us. It was hidden for most of the years, but his friend request brought it to the forefront of my mind.
@jillhill (37383)
• United States
3 Apr 12
Nosey.....maybe that's it...just wanting to know how you are doing or what you are up to.....Or maybe not....I would be the last one to guess as I can't figure out people myself.....and I wish sometimes I could be a bit more perseptive about what people are thinking.....
• United States
5 Apr 12
I may never know. He hasn't tried to contact me since or anything, but I am thinking he was a bit nostolgic. I see recently he added a few more people we used to know back at that time. But as I told my husband, if it was an innocent request, why didn't he try to add my hubby also because they knew each other back then.
@cynthiann (18619)
• Jamaica
1 Apr 12
Two pieces of advice. Do not accept him as a friend and block him as it could lead to problems. It would be nice for you to know but some thibgs are best left alone.
• United States
1 Apr 12
Great to see you! How are you feeling?
@GreenMoo (11842)
31 Mar 12
Maybe he's been wanting to get back in contact for the last ten years, but the ex girlfriend wasn't happy about the idea. So now that she's gone, he's made contact. Or perhaps he's just one of those people who collects facebook 'friends', even when they aren't people he's close to. There's a million possible reasons. The only way you'll find out is to ask!
• United States
31 Mar 12
I'm not going to ask. I want him and the hubby to think this is not bothering me. I also don't think he's the type to just collect friends, because he doesn't have a whole lot of them and there's about a dozen people that hubby and I have on our lists that he used to know, but he hasn't added any of them yet. But you are right, I'm just going to speculate, probably wrongly, until I either forget about it or he tries to contact me again, which may give me more insight.
• Canada
31 Mar 12
I don't know, but it would worry me too. If I were you, I'd send him a message, that I'd show your husband first just to make sure, saying that it's inappripriate for the two of you to be in such contact, since you and your husband are very happily married. then I might consider switching my profile to private, so that he won't start stalking you, or something.
• United States
31 Mar 12
I don't need him or my husband knowing that I'm wondering about it, and messaging to ask why would show them both that I'm wondering. I'd rather they just both think that I don't really care at all. I'd like to not care, but I'm such a curious person, I always want to know the "why" behind everything.
@bounce58 (17524)
• Canada
8 Apr 12
I think he's just fishing. I think he's seriously considering the relationship he just had, and what a failure it was, so now he's thinking what life could have been if you and him didn't end your relationship back then. He's trying to fish any feelings that you might still have. And I think he's hung up in the past and couldn't see how happy you already are.
• United States
2 Apr 12
It's good that you're avoiding contact with your ex. If you open that door, you'll never get rid of him. Exes are exes for a reason.
• Philippines
1 Apr 12
whatever his reasons, good intentions or not. I think it's all up to you. If I would be in your shoes, I would just simply ignore it if I didn't care. But you said, you're curious...hmm..that means you may still have feelings for him. I mean why would you feel curious if you really don't care anymore? Just sayin.
@obe212003 (2302)
• Philippines
1 Apr 12
Actually i did seem to have done that, sending a friend request to my-ex (married and has 3 kids), sort of hoping that she would simply "react" first, lol! sure i could just send her a message, but adding her would be a more subtle way or rather anticipating if she would accept or send me a message.
@TheIzers (680)
31 Mar 12
My best assumption if I were in your position is he want to see if he can be friend with me again. Some people live in the past and some people live for memory and some people move on and live for future. But I think you do right thing for not accept his request out of respect to your husband, I will do the same thing unless my husband said its ok for him.