Feeling like the Maid in this relationship

By C
@ShyBear88 (17427)
United States
April 12, 2012 9:24pm CST
Recently I've been feeling a bit like a maid and my husband sister thinks its funny because its the job as wife and mother to feel this why. I don't think its funny to laugh at my feelings because in any relationship nobody should feel like they are the maid. So she would rather me spend all day cleaning and get no time to play with my daughter because I have to clean up after 4 other people. One of those people can't clean up after themselves just yet. I would rather not clean all day and spend time with my daughter before my second baby is born and I would rather spend me evening resting and spending what little time I do have with my husband. Last week I spend 3 hours of my day away from my daughter doing what? Your right cleaning, I cleaned our living rooms, the dinning room, started the kitchen, then cleaned two bathrooms, mine and my husbands bedroom and my daughters room. While my husband cousin our roommate watched my daughter. I don't clean her room that is her space and she cleans it pretty regular to what I can see. My daughters room is always pretty clean since she only sleeps in that room. Our living room gets the worst of it since that is where my daughter plays, and eat in the day time. Some times I feel like I'm being taken for granted and that if I wasn't around our apartment would be full of mold, trash, and bugs. I told my husband the next time our water isn't working the way it should and only one bathrooms sink is working I'm making them clean the dishes. I've spend 3 weeks cleaning dishes in the bathroom after mostly my husband and his cousins mess of food. A few where my own and my daughters but I cleaned them myself right after being used and put them in the dish wash they didn't instead they filled the sink and make it all disgusting. Since I'm the only one willing to clean when I hate cleaning. I hate cleaning so bad I would rather want to die or pick out animal poop all day long. I've always been that way since a child. I clean at least once a day as best as I can with out over doing it and it don't make lately for me to feel tired and over worked and light headed to the point I need to sit down right way. I don't know why my husband 19 year old sister thinks its funny that I feel like a maid and that it has to be the woman's job to do all the cleaning not only after her young kids but two grown adults. I think she's been babied to much while she's been pregnant. She is the one that complains about having to clean up after her own roommates. I straight up told her in any relationship especially a marriage everything is equal even the cleaning and two people are slacking our there half of helping out. I at least expect my husband at the age of 22 to clean up after himself if he forgets here and there no biggy but all of the time that isn't cool and not something I was raised to be use to. I was taught that its also the mans job to help out with cleaning and the running of the house. No I don't expect to have to pick up my husband cousins trash or clean up after what dishes she uses. If they both simply rinse off there dishes after using them then I won't be spending an hour or more scrubbing. I know I'll say it I'm not prefect I do make things messy to but at the end of the day I at least clean all of it up if not more as well as my daughter. She is 14 months and I'm treating not to throw food when she is done eating and to put her toys away before nap time and bed time. But like any little 14 month old she doesn't quite get it yet and I understand that as a mommy that she doesn't know how to clean and stay clean that will come with age. Am I the only one that feels like this some times? Some days I can take it and all I have to say is help and other days when I say something I feel bad because we are both tired or all tired. Since my husband cousin got a new job we haven't seen much of her other then her sleeping and getting up really early to go to work. The more she works the better because that means lease for me to do. Maybe I should suggested to her on the days she has off to spend and hour cleaning one room up stairs and the half bathroom or to take the trash out or even a few dishes?
1 person likes this
5 responses
@PageTurner (2827)
• United States
6 Jun 12
I am fortunate in that my experience of house cleaning is the opposite of yours, ShyBear88. For one thing, I enjoy cleaning. It's in my blood. I just love to set out on a good cleaning spree, imagining how sparkly and clean everything is going to look and smell when I am done. For another thing, my partner and I share in the cleaing. We both enjoy cleaning and we both contribute to the cleaning. That is just the way that we roll. Another thing is, that my partner is very complimentary of me and the things that I try to do for our relationship, and I am complimentary of my partner. Our house is not always the cleanest house in town, because we both believe that there are so many other more important and interesting things to do than to keep a perfect looking house. But it's always home for us.
@ShyBear88 (17427)
• United States
7 Jun 12
Me and my husband we share the cleaning as well but we also have a roommate so it's always her job and I guess they both some times get lazy and don't want to clean. None of us like to clean at all. Some times I have to be every mean to get things clean in the house so I don't do it all. We don't keep a perfectly clean apartment either there is always a mess some where. I don't like spending all day cleaning at all. I would rather spend that time with my daughter. Some times I feel like I'm a maid because I do a lot of the cleaning once a weeks. I don't mind doing some of it but it's nice when it gets noticed and that I don't have to ask someone to clean. My husband has been doing better these last few weeks with cleaning with out me asking more then once for him to do something. Like vacuum the floor for me in the living room. I don't really clean the down stairs it's just the up stairs the shared space. There is three adults in this house and it's just as much there responsibility to clean it up or help cleaning it up as much as it's mine. I do most of the cleaning up after my daughter because well she is messy because of her little age and doesn't understand how to pick up after herself. Although she is learning to at least with her toys.
• United States
7 Jun 12
It is good to hear that you feel that there is more cooperation in the cleaning betwixt the adults in your household. Does your little girl enjoy the cleaning like her mommy?
@ShyBear88 (17427)
• United States
8 Jun 12
I do not like cleaning. I hate clean period I will never like it. Weather my daughter likes it I don't think she'll like it every, but it is something that needs to be done because after a while it gets annoying seeing everything on the floor or what ever. Its more like me and my husband because I believe I said that he is the only one helping me his cousin isn't helping at all. She is kind of MIA at the moment. It would be all three of to do maybe not all on the same day but it is there job just as much as mind to keep it as clean as possible. I rather my apartment looked lived in then not lived. I know some people that don't like anything out of place or on the floor period. I couldn't live like that it's just no me. I like clutter because I have organized clutter just like my husband does. But there are certain rooms in our place that are cleaner then others, like the bathroom, kitchen and of course my daughters room. Her room is the smallest in the apartment so the less things we have out in there the more room there is to move around but she never plays in there.
• United States
19 Apr 12
What difference does it make what your teenaged sister-in-law thinks? Actually, why are you even talking to her about these things? You should be addressing these issues with your husband, not his little sister. There is also no reason why your roommate isn't doing her fair share, either. If it were me, I'd pack my bags, take the kid and tell those two to clean the apartment themselves... and that I may or may not be back.
@ShyBear88 (17427)
• United States
19 Apr 12
I wasn't talking to her I told her how I was feeling and she commented on how I was feeling. Actually before you start being kind of rude don't assume that I haven't already talked to my husband. Because one I have already talked to him I tell him everything and just because I state how I feel about something doesn't mean I haven't already done so to the ones that are causing me to feel the way I am. On Facebook I can what I want and others will say what they want to say back. So she said what she had to feel and I told her that is not how a marriage works. Where would you like me to go? Take my daughter and live in a car? I'm sorry but your being kind of rude to me and my family so maybe next time before saying something you should think about what your saying and what that might imply to those that are reading. That's right a 18 weeks pregnant with no job is going to take the only car that her husband has to get to and from work just to make him and his cousin clean the an apartment I don't think so. I'm not a b!tch and I would take my child away from her father over a not clean house that is only something that someone with no heart would do.
@dorannmwin (36698)
• United States
16 Apr 12
As a stay-at -home mother, I can definitely say that the lives that we have at home are not the easy, laid back days that people who work outside the house think that they are. There are actually some days thst I find it impossible to even find time to do the dishes, and my children are significantly older than your daughter. The thing that you have to do is to get what you are able to get done done and those things that you cannot get done needs to be split between all of the adults in the house.
@ShyBear88 (17427)
• United States
16 Apr 12
I agree it should be split between all the adults in the house. There is only so much one person can do. I'm only human and my body can only do so much at this time and its going to be even harder when we have the new baby then things will seem impossible to do for a while. I have to spend some time with my daughter I know that because she is only this age once.
• United States
14 Apr 12
Unfortunately, my bf thinks I am his slave too, and he is a control freak. I cant say a no to him.
@TheIzers (680)
13 Apr 12
Hi Shybear, I totally understand how you feel today and being honest with all the work you do by yourself you have all right to feel that way. No one is happy for being taken for granted. I say you definitely MUST talk to your husband about sharing the house work. Taking care a child is 24 hours job already and with all those cleaning and no one help it's not right. you are right in marriage everything is equal. From cooking to cleaning both side has same right so having conversation with your husband is very important before it's really too late, before you have another baby. I have this kind of conversation long time ago, about a month after we got married and after that every house work is just go smoothly. My husband does his part (cleaning, ironing, wash our clothes, cooking breakfast on sunday and take trash) and I do my part (cooking, clean dishes and wash my baby clothes)without we need to remind each other. I wish you luck and hope your husband can understand your feeling and would take his part same as your husband cousin too)
@ShyBear88 (17427)
• United States
13 Apr 12
I told him way before I wrote this that I feel and that its not far. A simple thank you is nice but it doesn't help and helping now and saying sorry it doesn't help. But doing more and simple just putting your plate up or taking something to the trash can it really makes a big difference. I'm grateful that he takes the trash out and takes care of our daughter for a few hours on the weekend for me to nap but he could do more and I understand that he is tired. I hear him say it all of the time and I doubt that he is tired but some times I'm more tired then he is and growing another human being isn't easy work on my body when we got a toddler to take care. She is only this age once and I won't be able to get that back if I spend all day cleaning or even and hour clean she hates when I have to clean because it takes her mommy away. He does okay for a while and normally helps out more and then slacks off. I tell him you can't do that I need help I'm only human and I can only handle so much physically on my own right now. Once the new baby is here I won't have the time I do now to clean, I don't cook much that has always been a split between us. We each do half when we are cooking. Mostly the cleaning is all me. There are some things I just do because well I like to do them. Like the clothes, but the rest I just hate so I wait till he gets home cause I rather us both spend time doing something we hate then not spend time at all. I think his cousin that she should help out more since she does live in the same apartment and pays rent and stuff. Her name is on the paper works so that means I hold half of almost everything to her as well. She don't cook but when she does she should clean up not me. Which she doesn't clean up after herself when it comes to the kitchen she almost ever does the dishes or takes the trash out. I think I need to get a job sheet like parents do when there kids are old enough to help out. I think I need one for the both of them. I'm only 17 weeks but my poor body is just going down hill right now. Second trimest should be better with engery but with one kid rest is hard to come by till bed time or nap time. Good thing I nap with her. Other wise I would clean during that time but I've been having trouble sleeping through the night since the 12 weeks which my husbands knows and i know he's been sick this week so I've let a few things go but he said he'll try better like before we moved to a bigger place. A bigger place means more stuff to clean and it didn't help when our water wasn't working, and then the water was and then wasn't. It messed up the kitchen a lot and finally we only had water in the bathroom working and it sucked big time when I had to clean dishes in there and I could only do a few at time before my body started hurting, legs, back even my stomach from the weight change so I just stopped and it would take a week to fill up the dish washer. Tomorrow he said he'll do some dishes for me after our daughter goes to bed which will help.