Living with parents for a married couple..

@humairaku (2039)
Indonesia
April 12, 2012 10:06pm CST
Hi Mylotters! Is it ok for a married couple live with their parents? I mean they keep staying in the same house with their parents though they have got married. In my place, it is so common for married couple to live with their parebts. There are some reasons why they keep staying with them though they have got married, such as bad financial condition so the couple cant earn for their own living, or maybe their parents dont let them go out from the house. Just like me. Frankly speaking, I still stay with my parents. Not my own parents but parents in law. They dont want to be left by us cos they need us to accompany them. They are not very old but they ask us to stay with them cos they feel so lonely if we're not there. So we, I and my husband, decided to live with them after our marriage. Problems often occurs but we can solve them wisely. Though we live with parents but we earn for our own living. Of course I really want to live in my own house but I dont have heart to do that cos they love my daughter verry much and I'm sure they will be very very sad if we force to leave them. How about in your place, is it common for married couple to live with their parents? And what could be the reason? I know that for most of Western people, living with their parents at the age 18 and up is very embarassing..:)
1 person likes this
13 responses
@WakeUpKitty (8706)
• Netherlands
13 Apr 12
Personally I think it's not normal to stay with your parents if you get married. But this is because I am raised that way. In my country it's normal you start your own life as soon as you start studying so at the age of 17 or 18 you leave your home. Unless you go to a highschool/university nearby. But still most people leave. As soon as you have a relationship you leave too. The way we raise our kids is in the way they have to leave and start their own lives. We don't let them stay with us or take care of us. Also we don't keep taking care of them for the rest of their lives. This is what your parents do. You say you earn your own income then you should leave. I don't think anyone is able to start a life of his own if the parents stay around and you always have to count your steps. This is what you do. Also your parents should know there will be a day you will leave. Making you stay, interfering in your marriage (which they do) and life (which they also do since you have no privacy) is not the way. I think you should leave. Even if you live next door your life would improve way more. I don't think it's embarassing if you are 18 years old and still live with your parents in the western world (who told you that?) but it is if you are older and have your own family. Only in cases of high financial need you might stay but even then it mostly doesn't work. And I can guarantee you (older) men who stay live with their parents, never lived on their own, are not the kind of men we prefer to get married with.
• Indonesia
15 Apr 12
And I can guarantee you that you cannot judge all older men who stay with parents never lived on their own. Who told you that? And how can you be sure and even guarantee it? Every person has their own reason why they stay with their parents even after they got married, you just cannot judge everyone the same...that is so narrow minded. True, different country has different culture but... still I will not judge other person who has different way of live than me even if the person from the same culture as me. Parents or inlaws can interefere their child's marriage whether they live at the same roof or not, so it is not about living at the same roof but back to the character of the parents/inlaws.
@humairaku (2039)
• Indonesia
19 Apr 12
Hi Kitty! It's nice to read your response. FYI, I married my husband when we were in bad condition. I had a job but the salary is not too good. He also had a job but the salary is just the same as mine. We're really bad in financial condition at that time. Our office is near with our patents house. So it's the best decision to live with them after our marriage. But actually my inlaws havd asked us to stay with them before our marriage. It because their children live out of town. It's so common for children in my place to take care of parents in their old times. And parents will be very worry if no child lives nearby. So almost all parents in my place ask one of their child to live with them. If they have only one child, they will try hard to make her/him to stay with them. It's not common to let parents live in a house belongs to government which is built for old people. The society will say something bad to children who dont take care of their parents in their old times. It's all about culture. And about the man I married, I do love him. He asks me to live with his parents doesnt mean he doesnt take responsible to me and my daughter. All we want to do is doing good deed to our parents amd take care of them in their old times..:)
@humairaku (2039)
• Indonesia
19 Apr 12
Hi Fashionfever! I think I agree with you about value of a man. Though we live with parents we never ask for money. Life is about process. I dont think that living with parents makes us becoming a dependent person. We lead our own life, I have my own decision such as what school is suitable with my daughter, what clothes I should wear, what things I buy and what food I cook. I can decide all I want to do and my oarents say nothing about it. Of course we have up and down moments but who doesnt? My parents even dont know when my relation with my husband is in hard time cos my parents are in their own business. What they need is only friend to talk and share. That's why they ask us to live with them. They respect all of our decisions.
• Indonesia
13 Apr 12
Hello Humairaku, I understand the situation because we have the same culture. Although Im not married yet, but I can take my sister as the example. She is married and she is staying with us. Even she is staying at same house but she still have her privacy because the rooms where she stays is like pavillion, she has her own bedroom, bathroom, dining room, kitchen, garage but on July she will move to her new house...3 houses away from our house lol. And then I will use the rooms. Its happened since my eldest sister, they stay for 2 years here before move out to their new house, my parent just wants to get close to my sister's new family, get along with their son inlaw and grandchildren. Sure we have different culture than western, each has it owns positive things and we cannot compare it to each other. The positive thing of the western people in raising their children is that they teach them to be independent and not depending on other, but for our culture the positive thing of living close to parent or even at the same house with parent is that we can take care our parent all the time. To tell the truth, I was once living away from my parent but I came back because I miss my parent so much, its hard to live away because every month I just want to go back home to visit them and its cost a lot of money to buy the ticket. So here I am, living with them plus I restart my study. Actually my parents give each of their child a house to stay, but we still need to live with them for 1-2 years specially during pregnancy where my mom just wants to stay close with my sister. So when I get married later I will stay here for 1-2 years then I will move out to my own house.
@humairaku (2039)
• Indonesia
29 Apr 12
I think you have a great family. Every parents have responsibility to raise their children though they are already grown up. I mean starting a new life is not easy. So by living with parents for a while after our marriage is not bad way to learn more about how to lead a marriage life. Our parents have good influence in giving advice about how to treat our spouse or how to take care of our baby. But not all couples agree with this kind of life. But it's ok cos every one has their own right to decide..:)
• Philippines
13 Apr 12
Living in the house of one's parent despite being married entails lot of reasons maybe one couple is primarily dependent from them financially,or the other way around it's parents choice still to have their married children to live with them despite being married but perhaps reasons vary with different individuals right.So I guess if I were to decide it would be my pleasure also to have a life of our own with my partner ,striking our pedals for ones daily survival at least we could be independent beyond my parents will and to proved that we can be on our own,but then it is a reality also that parents meddle in any arguments that can be a source of disagreement for both parties either for the married couple and the parents where one couple lives such an annoyance for living.So I guess the decision lies to the married couple whether they still resort to stay with their parents after marriage or to have an independent living despite whatever reasons they're having.
@humairaku (2039)
• Indonesia
22 Apr 12
In general, I do agree with you. Before I got married, I never thougt that I would live with my parents or with my inlaws. But when the life gave me the different fact, I cant say anything. We ever told to our parents the possibilty of living in our own house, do you kniw what my mother said? She said that if we do that, it neans that we 'kill' her. It's true that life has many choices, and I have decided to accompany my parents. I dont agree that if we live with parents it means that we cany live independently cos during in my marriaage, my parents rarely interfered my marriage life. Though I can live in harmony with my parents, I still agree that living separately with parents is still the best for a married couple if they could..:)
@jureathome (5363)
• Philippines
13 Apr 12
I would strongly advise for married couples to include housing in their plans before even walking the aisle and saying "I Do". Even if your relationship with the in-laws started out really smooth, there will always be a big chance for trouble to spring up in the near future. It's best to get your own home, and just take regular visits to each other's family.
@humairaku (2039)
• Indonesia
19 Apr 12
Yeah you're right actually. I'm sure that every family have a dream to own a house. But having a house is not easy to do. House is expensive. Frankly speaking I didnt include having house in my marriage. It doesnt mean that I dont want to have a house but it is a kind of dream but hard to make it real in a short time. Moreover, my parents in law had asked me to live with them even before my marriage. Of course I refused in the beginning but then my husband said many things. Then I agreed to live with them. Having a house is our long term planning. Maybe I will live with my parents along my life but having a house is still our priority. Our financial condition is getting better than before. I hope I can buy a house soon. Problems occurs of course and I dont stop to be better day by day. Living with parents in law is hard sometimes but they also try hard to be a good parents. And it is proved..:)
@jemzchix (116)
• Philippines
13 Apr 12
If I were married, I wouldn't want to live with my parents. Getting married is also a sign that you will be starting a new life with your new partner. With the new life always comes the notion of new living environment. so, why still stay with them? even if they would ask for you to just stay with them, i believe it is still not a valid reason for you to stay. maybe you could visit them every once in a while, but we should still learn to live on our own. maybe if our parents becomes old and weak, that would be the time that they would move with us. also, living separately would be a big step to proving to one's self that we are capable of surviving and spending for ourselves. it would really set a good foundation in raising a family. :)
@Archaiwy (599)
• China
13 Apr 12
I think it's Ok to live parents although one is married.On the contrary,there are some advantages to live together.Firstly,the youg can look after the old,sceondly the old can help their children with some things such as cooking meals, looking after the grandchildren and so on.But there is a disadvantage in that the relationship between the two couples is a little complicated.
@humairaku (2039)
• Indonesia
16 Apr 12
You're right about taking care of the child. I also had experience on it. I should go back to work a month after delivering baby. I should teach at 2 pm abd my husband hasnt come home at that time so I asked my mother in law to take care of my baby. Fortunately my mother was really happy cos my baby was the first grandchild of my husband's family so my mother didnt mind at all taking care of my baby. So I do agree that our parents could take care of the child during we're working is one of the most important advantages we can get if we live with parents after our marriage. And financially helped is another advantages. Though we can earn by ourselves but sometimes our parents give some money to my daughter to show their love. We never ask for it but we are sure very happy receiving that money. LOL. Problems occurs of course but I'm proud cos we can solve it wisely..:)
• China
13 Apr 12
I heared from my friend that his mom asks him to stay with them even he has married.Its unimpeachable in his family.Because his grandparent,parent and uncle all live together.Everyone has been accustomed to this style of life.And i think it feels comfortable.So he need to seek a girl who can accept "the big family".haha.I have talk about the problem with my parents and told them that i do not want to live with them in the same house whether we can afford the house,but i hope we can live near.My parents agree with me.they joke "we fear that you disturb us"
@humairaku (2039)
• Indonesia
16 Apr 12
I think you have a great family, dear friend. Your parents are so democratic enough to whatever their children want to choose; whether they live with parents or not. As I said before that actually I really want to live in my own house. Maybe not my house cos I should rent it for few times till I have my own house- you know thar house is expensive so we need to save long time before we are able to buy one. But living in a rental house is greater than living with parents. But then I think abd contemplate for long time, then I find that living with them cos they want to is one way to show our love to them We stay not because we want to but they ask us to stag with them so I dont think that we are merely a burden for them. We are there cos we can be friends for them. So, yeah I think it's my destiny. I'll take it with a big heart..:)
• United States
20 Apr 12
hi, are you from Philippines? If yes, I agree that there are still many couples in our country that live with their parents if not they are still asking assistance from their parents. You are right that some reason is that the parents don't want their children leave their house even they are already married as they can't take the emptiness when there children are grown up, leave and have their own family in different house. We are family oriented and as much as possible we want to live together in a one big house. I am new here in America and I didn't see a couple living together with their parents. Some of our grown up single neighbor still live with there parents though but not much. I guess it depends on the family itself if they want to stick together or let the children live in their own house. But for me it is better to live in your house if you are married. It is exciting to design your own house, make your own garden in the backyard and everything you want without eyes watching you and telling you don't do that or not there, etc.... :)
@Theresaaiza (10484)
• Australia
14 Apr 12
Here in the Philippines, having strong family ties is a deep-seated culture. Some parents actually would love to still keep their children with them even when they're married and have kids of their own. Grandkids are close to their grandparents and they act as parents too. Conflicts and problems are commonly unavoidable especially when in-laws turn out to be disappointing. Some families have adapted a bit of the Western Culture though and are now gearing towards moving out of the ancestral home and having their own.
@shylade (3137)
• Philippines
14 Apr 12
hi there! we are living in our own right now. mu husband and i are working far away from our parents home so before we tie the knot we already bought a house near our work place. they are advantages of living in your own and one is independence. you can decide on your own and do what you want in your house. but there is also disadvantage, one is when is i need to hire a nanny for my son, wherelse if we are at hour parents house it will easier and they can take care of my son. i will have assurance that my son is safe. but that is really impossible with us since we are working away from them. you are lucky that your in laws are good to you. if there is no problem staying with them then it will be fine and will really save you a lot.
@youless (93113)
• Guangzhou, China
13 Apr 12
Currently we live with our parents and there is nothing to be embarrassing. Since my husband and I have to go to work in the daytime. And therefore my parents have to help us to pick up our child when he is off school. It is lucky that my parents can still help us in this aspect. Otherwise I may have to quit my job to take care of our child. And we can also look after my parents. It is better for them to live alone. I love china
@surekharathi (14134)
• India
13 Apr 12
In my place also same like your place stay with parents of married couple. We are living in join family and I think if broad minded persons and happy persons are in family then we can live happily in join family.
• Philippines
13 Apr 12
Living in the house of one's parent despite being married entails lot of reasons maybe one couple is primarily dependent from them financially,or the other way around it's parents choice still to have their married children to live with them despite being married but perhaps reasons vary with different individuals right.So I guess if I were to decide it would be my pleasure also to have a life of our own with my partner ,striking our pedals for ones daily survival at least we could be independent beyond my parents will and to proved that we can be on our own,but then it is a reality also that parents meddle in any arguments that can be a source of disagreement for both parties either for the married couple and the parents where one couple lives such an annoyance for living.So I guess the decision lies to the married couple whether they still resort to stay with their parents after marriage or to have an independent living despite whatever reasons they're having.