Dealing with people who really don't deserve you...

@HomeBase (1054)
United States
April 22, 2012 12:58pm CST
Is it stuck up to feel like someone does NOT deserve to be around you?? Haven't we all been there? The moment you realize that a person really doesn't deserve your friendship or your companionship or whatever it is? I have had that happen to me so MANY times, and yet why is it so hard for me to let such a person go COMPLETELY?? I mean, I KNOW they do not deserve me, and yet, I may still answer a phone call from them, or I may still go and hang out with them, all the while knowing that it is just a matter of time before they do something to p*ss me off or disappoint me...AGAIN.
2 people like this
9 responses
• United States
23 Apr 12
i use to be like this and i still can be at times.... i do not think that it is "stuck up" for you to feel this way. there are people out there that DO NOT deserve some people or their friendship. when i was like this all the time i was doing so much for other people i sometimes forgot about myself and my life and the things i needed to be doing but when i needed something it was only me left standing. i did have a good friend until about a week ago we had an srguement and we havent talked since and she was the only 1 that was always there and deserved my friendship until she changed the kind of person she is.....people can change from being someone who deserves a lot from you to someone who deserves nothing not even your time.... i wish me and her could be friends again but i am not sure it is worth my time and effort to fix things with someone who treats our friendship as she does. the only thing i can say is let things fall into place. if she makes you mad again then seperate your self for a while if you can. i hate not answering my phone when someone calls so i do the same when she use to call the day it happened but she will not get all that i have left in me. i spent a lot of my time taking her places and everything. idk how ur friendship is with her but from what you have stated here i would just talk to her if she calls and hang out if you want to but i would make it a huge point not to do everything with them or for them....
@HomeBase (1054)
• United States
23 Apr 12
It makes me feel so great to read a response like this. I suppose the reason why so many support groups work is because they let you know that you are not alone in what you are going through. You said almost word for word what I have been going through lately with a couple of my so-called friends. I would do so much for other people, while the things I need to do (MY LIFE!!!) go unattended. Then when I need something, there is no one around but me. I have given away MY energy. The energy that belongs TO me, to be used BY me, to get MY stuff done, I have given so much of it away to others!! And you are SO right about people changing from someone who USED to deserve a lot to someone who deserves NOTHING. I LOVE that you are saying these things because it makes me feel so VALIDATED!!!! I feel so happy that someone understands and confirms my beliefs about certain things. I just want to get into the habit of giving to MYSELF rather than giving to others so much. There is so much that I can get accomplished in my life if I just use MY time to tend to MY things. It is like having a garden...here your garden is, all dried out, overrun with weeds, full of garbage, packages of seeds growing dust on them, waiting to be planted, and where are YOU???...across town at a friends' house helping her with HER garden!!!! HER garden is nicely watered, it is weed-free, it is producing FRUIT, all because YOU have helped her garden flourish!! Something is wrong with this picture. Uuuuggghhhh, this is all so very DRAINING. I don't know why I haven't valued MY time the way that I should, perhaps it is the way that I grew up. My mom took in foster kids for years, I was always giving up MY time and MY space to help the less fortunate, and I carried the same behavior into my teen-aged and adult years, but I have to learn to give TO MYSELF, and keep anyone who does not deserve me at bay.
• United States
24 Apr 12
yes i agree i think many support groups work becasue everyone there either has almost the same story or they can relate and they understand it and are able to help the others around them feel like they are not alone. i am married with 2 kids now and i feel like my whole life has been put on hold for everyone else. i feel likt my family should be first (and me to) but it seems everyone else thinks they should be the number 1 people in my life. i am unable to get things done at home or for my family because i have been to busy trying to make everyone happy. i have had many people who i thought deserved friendship with me and i thought deserved my time but in the end they turned up just using me. the neighbor i was telling you about she would do a lot for me to (at first) and the night we argued she was heling me then to but there is something diffrent about her now and she was trying to treat me as a child and tell me how i NEED to do things and that is not how i work. this is MY life not hers. i have decided that she wasnt worth it so i think i have decided to just let it go and what happens happens but if we ever do talk again she will not get as much from me as she wants. even my grandma takes a lot of time because she is old and needs a lot of help. she pays my bills so i feel obligated to do these things for her. i dont mind helping but sometimes it is everyday and that is to much for me. i cant even get a job because i am so afraid she will need me and i wont be there. i have now started to learn the word no because i need to be at home to do things. i slmost lost my house and actually i still could because my land lord hasnt given us an answer yet and all this is because i was doing to much for others and not enough at home... i agree with the way that you explained that with the garden because it is so true and so right. i feel like my life is the unattended garden going to waste while everyone elses garden gets prettier and prettier. yes it is very draining and i wish i would have valued my time better also. my grandma would do anything for anyone if she could and even with her being old she does what she can for others so i guess this is where i got it from. i love helping others but after a certain point it just has to stop. many people dont appriciate it they just take it for granted and use you. it was also nice to hear your story because all this time i thought that i was alone in how i was feeling and i thought that i was a bad person for feeling like i needed time for MY LIFE and the things I need to do with MY time for ME and MY FAMILY not everyone in the world around me.
@HomeBase (1054)
• United States
24 Apr 12
We are indeed kindred spirits. It is a good thing that you are doing, taking care of your grandmother. Please never stop. Don't grow weary taking in care of her, SHE needs you. You are doing a GOOD thing. Your own family needs you. Other people...well, they are going to have to wait in line, and even after waiting in line, you STILL may never get to them. But don't worry, they will find someone else to use. I, too, took care of an elderly relative, my great Aunt, for years. She was blind and elderly, but she raised me from an infant, so she was my mother. She lived 3 blocks away from me, but was I overwhelmed with the "daily-ness" of the task of going over to take care of her, and YET I would find the time to stand outside for HOURS talking to one of my neighbors. Do you see the error of that picture?? Hind-sight is 20/20, so if you will, allow me to share with you what I learned from that period of time, and what I would do differently if I could. Just two things, very simple, but NOT easy. 1) I would relax. Calm it waaaaaay down, and 2) Eliminate ALL time wasters=energy leaks. First of all, I had a LOT of energy leaks. If I had it to do all over again I would make sure those energy leaks were not there. For instance, during the day I might talk to, and HOLD CONVERSATIONS with, several different people at my Aunts building ie the security guards (different shifts), people in the laundry room when I would be doing my aunt's laundry, people in McDonalds, neighbors, different young men that worked in her building...you get the picture. Then when I got home, I would have several energy leaks THERE...talking on the phone to "friends" (people that I no longer am even in TOUCH with now-a-days), holding long conversations when I would go to pay my rent in the rental office, or when I would be in the laundry room doing MY laundry, talking with various people at my son's school. 5 minutes here, 2 minutes there, 10 minutes here. That ADDS UP, and it is something that I would cut OUT if I had it to do all over again. All the time that you've spent helping your neighbor, could be used as YOUR "me-time", or used to help your grandmother, or your own household. My aunt would still get plently of my time, because she was my sweety, and like your grandmother, my aunt paid MY bills. I could have easily helped her DAILY had I managed my time more efficiently, but that takes work and DISCIPLINE and telling people NO. No, not today, maybe some other time. I've really got to go. My son, of course, would get my time. Even the boyfriends that I had back then, if I had it to do all over again, I WOULD NOT HAVE THEM IN MY LIFE, THEY WERE A WASTE OF TIME. We have plenty of time for our "me-time". I think that there is PLENTY of time to do it ALL, IF, and that is a very BIG if, we take the task of managing our time SERIOUSLY. We give away our time much too freely, and then the people that REALLY need us, ie YOUR grandmother, MY aunt, they don't get from us what they need because we have allowed too many EXTRA-CURRICULAR energy leaks. Your grandmother needs you. It is hard when we feel like we are being selfish with our time, but I LOVE what you said about everyone elses garden gets prettier and prettier. So true. We have to be brutally honest and DISCIPLINED when we decide which garden we are going to spend our time pretty-ing up.
@saundyl (9698)
• Canada
23 Apr 12
I have honestly felt that way a few times about certain friends. To the point with one friend i actually told her that if she continued to treat me the way she was we would no longer be able to be friends. in some sad senses...i didnt stick by that. She's gotten better - doesnt stand me up near as often or just show up only when she wants something now. It makes me sad at times to know that she doesnt value my friendship the way...i value hers and other peoples. And it has gotten to points at times where i dont value her friendship and i stop trying myself. I feel that friendship is a two way street. Both people have to make the effort to call..both have to make the effort to show up when plans are made. You cant just show up when you need something other than companionship from a person.
@HomeBase (1054)
• United States
18 May 12
It IS really sad when someone does not value you the way that you know you should be valued, but the fact of the matter is that you cannot change someone ELSE, you can only change YOU. That has been hard for me over the years, because I want people to be like how I want them to be, but they have the right to be themselves, even if "themselves" is a jerk, or an unappreciative person or WHATEVER. I have to be humble about it though, I know that I am FAR from perfect, but I must say that I do try to be a good friend. My problem is that I seem to always hook up with people who have really low self-esteem, or they are friendless due to some character flaw...like they sleep around a lot or something like that. I have had a habit of picking outcasts for friends and then pumping their self-esteem up, and the next thing that I know, they are trying to act like THEY are doing ME a favor by hanging out with ME, when just a short time before they had NO friends. I don't know, it's weird but hey, it's life. I hope that you stop wasting your time on people who don't deserve you, it is imperative that we show the people in our lives through word AND deed that it is NOT ok to mistreat us.
@sid556 (31018)
• United States
23 Apr 12
I do the same thing. I KNOW a person is a liar and I KNOW that they are this or that etc. I don't totally hate being around them even though they may have screwed me over in the past. They aren't totally bad. They do have good qualities so I really do enjoy hanging out and talking to them etc. I think the key is all in the KNOWING what they are and it is that KNOWING that will prevent you from getting sucked in to going along with something that you know will ultimatley put you in a bad place with this person. If they borrow money and never pay back well, you know now not to lend to them. If they are always late or don't show up then you know not to wait for them.
@HomeBase (1054)
• United States
23 Apr 12
I suppose that I COULD hang around these people all the while keeping my guard up, but to me, that is just too much work. I mean, the people that I'm talking about are supposed to be CLOSE friends, so if we hang out and just talk about superficial stuff, it will feel FAKE, you know what I mean? Like, I don't wanna be around a person if I know that they are a liar, because I'm always going to be wondering what, if anything, are they lying about. I mean, I get what you are saying...you know this person loves to eat goldfish, therefore don't let them anywhere NEAR your fishtank, I GET that. My problem with that "solution" is, it's so much work for me, guarding the tank every time they come around. I want to put energy into things that will benefit ME. I have spent so much time doing things for other people, or being AROUND other people that don't deserve me. Then I have to CUSTOM-make my friendship for them instead of just letting it flow like I feel a friendship should. Even though THEY aren't totally bad, and God knows that I have my faults, I TRY to be a good friend. My friends don't have to WORK at it with me, you know what I mean?? I don't know, I guess I just want some REALNESS in my life, without having to censor THIS part of me from HER, and edit this part of me from HIM, I just want real friendships that aren't so much work.
• United States
23 Apr 12
Oh I definately understand where you are coming from at this point. I keep trying to not answer an email from a former friend, but morbid curiosity makes me want to read and reply anyway. I think maybe if you make minimal contact, and just keep in mind that it will not be forever, or for the long run, then your conversations will turn shallow and eventually end.
@HomeBase (1054)
• United States
23 Apr 12
If I were you, I'd read the e-mail, although I would not reply. You are right, minimal contact is the best thing. I have PLENTY to do, I really don't need to be hanging out and talking on the phone for hours anyway.
• United States
23 Apr 12
I've dealt with that recently - the person always wants to "hang out" yet whenever I try to make plans she's always "too busy," or "too sick". It's funny because she isn't too busy to go to the movies or do something else. I hope you'll find people who really deserves your time and energy!
@HomeBase (1054)
• United States
23 Apr 12
I have to learn to be a better friend to mySELF so that I don't let these so-called friends into my life where they don't deserve to be. I hope that you TOO find people who really deserve your time and energy. In the meantime, we would be wise to enjoy our OWN time and energy.
• United States
22 Apr 12
I will not answer the phone to them or go out with them. I will speak on the street and make it quick too. I have a few people who are like this and alwas invite me out. I know it is only because I have a car now.
@HomeBase (1054)
• United States
23 Apr 12
It is interesting that you talk about people only inviting you out because you have a car, that has happened to me on more than one occasion. It is good that you are strong and recognize the games that people play, sometimes it takes me awhile, especially because I want to see the good in people, but the bottom line is, some people are just not good FOR me, and don't deserve to be in my life. I like how you said you won't answer the phone or go out with them, I'm going to have to remember that. I also like how you make it quick when you speak to them on the street. I'm going to remember that too.
@marty3888 (2359)
• United States
22 Apr 12
We all do that. My girlfriend is a perfect example. I go out of my way to make her happy. I never say no to her, yet she knows she can say no to me any time she wants. I know, I let her. That's just me. I know I put up with alot that no one else would. So why don't I leave? She also makes me happy. We have built a life together. Now your situation might be a little different. If it happens alot, you may want to delete them out of your life. Just make sure you are comfortable with never seeing them again because usually it's hard to reverse that unless that someone is extremly forgiving. The whole point is, I'm sure my g/f thinks the same thing about me sometimes.
@HomeBase (1054)
• United States
23 Apr 12
Yes, your situation is different than mine in that you are talking about a GIRLFRIEND who you are obviously in love with, whereas I'm talking about someone who is just a friend of mine...well, a "supposed to be" friend of mine. It is difficult when you know that you love a person more than they love you, especially in a case of a boyfriend-girlfriend type of scenario. In your case, I think that I would have a hard time trusting this person, no matter how happy I felt they made me. I think that I would feel like I deserve better, however YOU may be so in love that you may not think that there IS anyone better out there for you. I feel comfortable with not seeing a person again who treats me poorly, especially when they act like they do not care whether or not they see ME again. It makes it easier not to care when you know that the other person does not DESERVE for you to care about them, because of their actions towards you.
@GemmaR (8527)
22 Apr 12
There are a lot of people who I have come into contact with during the course of my life who I do not think deserve me. When you spend too much time around people like this, it makes you feel as though you maybe aren't worthy of friends who will be there for you, and this can make you have low self esteem. You have to remember that you do deserve good friends, and that it is actually the people who are treating you badly who don't deserve you, and you need to take them out of your life for good to be happy as an individual yourself.
@HomeBase (1054)
• United States
23 Apr 12
Yes, I like this response very much, and of course you are right. The thing about ME is, that I tend to befriend people that SEEM to need me without really stopping to think, why is this person in such sad shape?? They may be friendless or having a bad time of it, whatever the case may be. Then, here I come, like a knightress in shining armour, trying to save the day. I seem to repeatedly have to remind myself that if a person seems not to have any friends, more than likely there is a REASON that no one wants to be around them!! Hello! If a person does not want to help themselves, or if they just want to USE you to further their own agenda, then...I don't know, I just know that you are right, I deserve good friends. Friends who will be givers and not just takers. And you are right when you say that I need to get them out of my life in order for me to be happy as an individual, because these emotional vampires have earned their name for a reason.
@memohak (20)
• India
22 Apr 12
I also have faced similar kinds of situation before. The best thing to do in this situation is just don't give them importance in your life. Be around them, talk to them but just don't do any kind of favors for them. It is not possible to completely cut them off from your life.
@HomeBase (1054)
• United States
23 Apr 12
I feel like I NEED to cut them off completely, because they are so DRAINING. Emotional vampires, is that what they're called? You are so right about not giving them any importance in your life. I'm just so done with dealing with people who don't deserve for me to be in their lives, I mean, I have so many other things to do besides sit around smiling at stuff that isn't funny, listening to stuff that I don't want to hear. It is all just too much.