It's Not That Hard...

United States
May 8, 2012 6:20pm CST
They lied. It's not so hard having no reason to get up in the morning. I can stay in bed, under the influence of sleeping tablets and sleep all day. There is no need to think about him because I've drugged myself past all that. It's not so hard feeling free to leave the house. The tough part is to stop looking at my watch and not panic when an hour has passed. The really tough part is not knowing where to go and what to do once I'm out. It's not so hard knowing he's not here. The hard part is constantly looking at where his hospital bed used to be and wondering why I can't bring myself to fill the space with anything else. Or to stop calling the pharmacy to see if his medications are ready when he no longer needs them. It wasn't so hard, okay maybe it was, letting the men from the crematorium take his body. The really hard part was receiving the ashes in a tiny box,to try and understand that the physical man I loved, who gave me children, who laughed and cried with me, who held me through the tough times and celebrated the good could fit in that tiny black box. It wasn't hard to accept the condolences of friends and relatives once I got past the crying. The worst part was when they hugged me and it felt strange because it should have been his arms around me. Theirs held no comfort. It wasn't so hard laughing for the first time after he was gone. The hard part was the guilt that ripped through me and brought the laughter to hoarse sobs wracking my body. Getting rid of his clothes. Easy, once I screamed at him "You left me! Why did you leave me? You promised to be with me well into old age. I tried, oh, my God, I tried to make you better, but you died anyway. Why did you have to go?" The hard part was watching my children's faces as I ranted at their dead father, screaming in pain at a loss I never wanted to come. After that they took over sorting and getting rid of his belongings, so see, it wasn't that hard. Getting over him being with his Heavenly Father wasn't that hard. Giving him up completely to his Heavenly Father was hell, necessary, but hell. Listening for him to call me at night, hearing nothing, but waking anyway, that was hard. Being a good mother for my children wasn't hard. It was impossible after my heart was ripped out on April 25,2012 when my husband gave up his long fight. Thankfully, they waited patiently for my mothering instincts to rise once more. Deciding what to do with his ashes wasn't hard. He loved the ocean and all the life there. He will become part of a new reef bringing new life to the Gulf of Mexico. The hard part is knowing I will not be there with him, to visit him. So, you see,they, the mysterious 'they' lied. Losing a loved one is not hard. Continuing to live without them, that's the hard part. For awhile you believe you died, too. Then the searing guilt for even thinking about doing anything other than cry for them renders you into rags. Anger strips you of any dignity and sadly, rips it from him, too. Depression takes over from the anger and drags you to the point you care about nothing and no one around you; you want the peace he reached. My dad found the strength through his depression over Mom dying to take his own life. I hope I find the strength to live, gather my babies close and spread the love I had and have for their father over them. No, it's not hard losing my husband. It is a challenge living without him. Have you had this challenge to keep living whether you want to or not?
2 people like this
2 responses
9 May 12
You touched my heart the way you delivered what you felt about the loss of your husband. It is very hard to live again without the man you love that you used to be with for so many years... He became part of your life and will continue to become part of your memories. I think releasing what you really feel about it like the one you do here, writing what you feel about it, will help you a lot to recover soon. Give way to tears and to any emotional pains you have and never hide it inside you. I think that will help a lot to heal the wounds. One day, what you will remember are just the good things and the thought of loosing him will for sure pass on your mind but the thoughts of it will not be as painful as it is right now. If your husband still lives right now, I am sure he don't want you to feel that way and wish you the best possible happy life for you and your kids. I hope you still find great strength to live and fight for this life. Many people care about you and think about your kids too. You will surely hurt them so much like the pain you are feeling right now with your husband if you stop fighting for life.
2 people like this
@GardenGerty (100380)
• United States
9 May 12
Maggie dear, you have had a very full plate for a long time. I will not feel sorry for you, but amazed by you. Wish me luck, I am on my way to apply for another residential support job with people like your daughter, at a company I really enjoy. Come here when you need us. There are people here around the clock.
• United States
9 May 12
Gerty, you always have my wishes for the very best of everything.
@GardenGerty (100380)
• United States
9 May 12
Yes, Maggie, I have. And I did some strange things in those times afterwards. I was also "kept busy" by my neighbors, who had each lost a loved one, and married one another. They owned a business, and put me to work driving and delivering flowers to grocery stores across the state, and crying the last thirty five miles home every week. Then the church put me to work, escorting teens across the country for an activity. Then my terminally ill sister moved in with me, and gave me another purpose. I still talk to my first, but only sometimes. I have another love, and I love him dearly and he shares so many of my experiences. I know that Larry is with the Lord, but life will never be the same. Even now. But it is okay. I would say to grieve your grief, and do not let people try to keep you busy to keep you from it. It will come to you with tears many times, and I will not say that my way was your way, and I will not burden you with the things that tore my heart you will have your own. I did not have MyLot or friends like this at that time, and I think it might have been good if I had. Come here, or send us private messages, the good people here will extend their care and wrap their arms around you with their words.
• United States
9 May 12
Online friends who have been there have been a godsend. They know pushing is more irritating than helpful and that sometimes sleeping is healing when you've been on guard 24/7 for years helping your loved one. Others mean well but until they are caretakers, they only think they know what it's like. Hugs, Maggie
2 people like this