Should she separate from her husband?

@annierose (18957)
Philippines
May 13, 2012 6:49pm CST
I have a friend who is married to a man who has a job. Unfortunately, her husband don't get his salary monthly. There are times that his husband won't have his salary for 2 months. Because of that, my friend looks for other part time job which will suffice their needs for their every day living. Amidst their poverty, her husband still involve himself with alcohols despite my friend's dislike for it. They live a life that is full of debts. The moment her husband got his salary, they will pay debts. Because of that, they cannot save money for emergencies. Her husband is also lazy in household chores. So after she finishes her part time job, she will still take care of their baby and do household chores. Sometimes, even she is sick, she is still the one doing the household chores.
5 people like this
20 responses
@jennyze (7045)
• Indonesia
14 May 12
We cannot suggest a friend to get marry or to get a divorce. We can only suggest them how to overcome their problem which is in this case husband should stop drinking and try to get a monthly paid job. Being in debts in the story of most working people, being lazy in doing household chores is a man treat, so I guess both are tolerable as long as you can pay the debt and you know who will do the chores.
@annierose (18957)
• Philippines
14 May 12
I hope they can work on this soon in order to have a happy marriage.
@jennyze (7045)
• Indonesia
15 May 12
They may need time to overcome it.... but I am sure with you as a friend the will solve it, soon.
@lady1993 (21666)
• Philippines
14 May 12
Oh, i think she really should leave her husband. It would have been okay if they have a nice marriage and neither of them had vices, but then the husband doesn't even help in their situation..
@annierose (18957)
• Philippines
14 May 12
They are not rich but then his husband doesn't care to even save a money and sometimes, even if he have money, he does not give it to my friend. He spends it to himself and to his old parents. Well, it is a good thing to help our old parents but I think that he should think of his own family too as he is not just a husband but also a father.
@lady1993 (21666)
• Philippines
15 May 12
All the more reason she should leave him, but then- does she have a job of her own? Do they have kids, if not, the wife can just leave him to look for a better husband who is willing to take care of her and not the parents..
@Dominique25 (9475)
• United States
14 May 12
That would be an extremely frustrating situation. Sorry to hear that she is having such a hard time. I too agree with a lot of the other comments that her husband needs to help out. He needs to make wise decisions about how he uses the families resources and help her take care of the baby. Even though these things may be true it is hard to get a person to do what they should.
@annierose (18957)
• Philippines
14 May 12
Yes, the final decision is still on her hands. We are just here to give suggestions for her to think about but it doesn't mean that she should do the suggestions given. She has her mind and heart to decide.
1 person likes this
• United States
17 May 12
Yes the decision is in her hands. And her husband unfortunately may not do what she would like him to do. He will perhaps find out that it will be bring less tension and stress on the relationship if he does his part. Perhaps when she gets frustrated with him he will start to see that she really does need his help.
@veejay19 (3591)
• India
14 May 12
Its a very unfortunate situation.Your friend is very brave to have to put up with such a type of person.Shr must be having a lot of patience otherwise she would have left him long ago.However there is a limit to everything.It is time for her to give him an ultimatum,either improve or she will leave him.He has to understand that to make a marriage succesful both partners have to put in their bit and share all the joys and sorrows together.Otherwise the marriage will be on the rocks and result in seperation.It looks like this one is on the way.It would be good for your friend to move to her parents house for a short period and see whether her husband will mend his ways.If he does then its good for both or else the inevitable has to take place.
@annierose (18957)
• Philippines
14 May 12
Thank you for the suggestion. You are right! Indeed, I am learning also from this discussion. I know now what I am going to do once I get in the same kind of situation, hopefully not,
• United States
14 May 12
I know living on a part-time income it is hard to pay the bills (randy worked part-time) and I was attending school full-time, but with careful planning it can be done. It is not your friend's husband's fault that he does not get paid every month, however your friend's husband should help around the house. I am in college and when we lived on our own I would leave a list of things that needed to be done and he would do them. I think it is great that your friend is able to find part-time work so she can help out the family, however she should not have to do the household chores herself. I think she needs to get help for her husband, but they should work hard on their marriage.
@annierose (18957)
• Philippines
14 May 12
I am still single and I realize that married life is a serious thing. Both needs to be mature and responsible too in order for the marriage to work.
• India
14 May 12
i think it is better to separate from that husband if he continuesly doing like this with out doing any thing and completely enjoying his life and nothing to be done in favour of his home means it is better to separate from him. she should require a moral support from his parents and friends before that , then only she should get sustained in the society with out the need of his husband . if she is unable to do so then it is better to get remarried and then she can live like her own wish and i can think like that . ok be pre well planned my dear friend .
@annierose (18957)
• Philippines
14 May 12
Well, it is all up to her.
• Philippines
14 May 12
That is a sad situation to be in. But I think separation is not the instant resolution to problems like this. Have your friend talked to her husband yet about how she feels with their situation. Some problems can be solved with communication. Who knows, the husband will eventually change once your friend speak up. In the event that nothing will change after all the talks, that is the time when your friend should consider the thought of separation. But then there are a lot of things to consider still. I hope your friend would be able to surpass this hard times.
@annierose (18957)
• Philippines
14 May 12
I do hope for it too. She is a kind woman and I hope for her happiness always.
@chevill (316)
• Philippines
14 May 12
seperation is not the solution. they need counselling. talk to her hubby and say how she feel, not about the faults of the hubby, this may result to an argue and misunderstanding.
@annierose (18957)
• Philippines
14 May 12
Thanks for the suggestion. I agree with you. Maybe, he thoughts that everything is okay.
@shylade (3137)
• Philippines
14 May 12
They should talk about. If its all about the money it will easier to fix provided they will be willing to address the problem. They should both work in relationship to be able to succeed. Looks like the husband is acting like a happy go lucky boy. The wife should talk to him about it because it is not healthy for her to do all the works.
@annierose (18957)
• Philippines
14 May 12
What if my friend already did the talk but then her husband is not paying attention to whatever she says or her husband keeps on contradicting her, what might be the other action that she must do?
@obe212003 (2302)
• Philippines
14 May 12
With his kind of attitude, there should be some drastic measures that should be considered so as to cause change in his attitude or behavior. Although, i think a heart-to-heart talk between the couple should transpire so as to resolve the issue, but if things do not work out, then the option of separating would surely be a good alternative.
@annierose (18957)
• Philippines
14 May 12
Yes, that is what I think too. Sometimes, we just realize our mistakes and the importance of a person once he or she is no longer with us.
• India
14 May 12
Husband should be the one who should take the responsibility of the home. He should care his family withe money he earns. There may be situations where a husband cannot take such duties and divorces is not the good way for it. A person can be truly changed within a small seconds. The only thing we can do is pray to god to create a change in his life. Remember divorces will creates a problem to his child. A child should be grown up by giving both love and care by both the parents.
@annierose (18957)
• Philippines
14 May 12
I also believe in the power of prayers. I hope that one day, her husband will change and will be a more responsible husband.
• India
14 May 12
Your friend for sure is not in the best situation possible but seperating is a very big question and could only complicate matters futher. She should talk to him about things and also about getting things back to normal. If things still dont work out after a few months then taking the decision of seperation may not be the worst option, cause by doing so he might realise what he has lost and that could bring about a chnage in him..
@annierose (18957)
• Philippines
14 May 12
Yes, that happened with my parents when my mom decided to leave my father. My father that time not only hurt my mother emotionally but also physically. So my mom decided to leave the house even my father frightened her that he will burn the house if she leave. My mom did not listen to my father and just move to my grandparents. After a week, my daddy asked my mom to go back to him. After that event, my father no longer hurt my mother.
• United States
14 May 12
He has a problem and as long as she is able to manage with bit she should do it. he can't help his pay situation I am sure. I would not sa she should leave him over that. maybe she could get him some help for the problem. and she needs to tell him he should help more around the house. if after all these situations are dealt with then it is up to her and only her.
@annierose (18957)
• Philippines
14 May 12
Communication is a must in every relationship. I hope they will talk with each other in perfect timing. Sometimes, emotions control people that lead them to talk unlogically.
@lynboobsy11 (11346)
• Philippines
18 May 12
The decision is up to her, there are many consequences if she leaves his husband. If she can stand on her own without the support of the father of his kid well she can leave his husband, but it not maybe she can stay. I suffered of 15 years living together with my ex, although he is responsible enough for our needs he is also has many bad habit. I also work to support my other daughter from my former husband before him. We also have a daughter. Although we are fortunate enough for our needs we still don't have saving because of his vices. Our work together is not also stable we earn big money but only seasonal and with regular clients. In other words we don't have future with him. We don't have savings, we don't own a house or any we can save for the future. I have to decide for my own. I wish it when were only 5 years living together I suffered enough until I decided to left him after 15 yrs. Because now I can stand alone without him even I can provide now the needs of my daughter. That's what I'm telling you about your friend she must consider a lot of things if she want to go away with her husband. If she can provide and stand alone without the help pf her husband she can go and leave him.
@flagella08 (5068)
• Philippines
17 May 12
i have known many cases like that and worst they're my friends. other couples settle in a very unhappy ending thus their children got the bad effects. if your friend had tried talking to her husband about those matters and still there were no results then i guess it's hightime for her to look for a permanent job and leave his husband for good. she should realized that it would be a lifetime suffering for her.shame to husbands like that.they're not worthy of care and love.
@mzz663 (2775)
• United States
14 May 12
I think your friends husband needs to find another job where he gets paid regular. That kind of job is okay for someone without a family but just makes no sense for a family man. I wouldn't necessarily say get a divorce because of the job but maybe because of the man being lazy with a drinking problem. Maybe it is time your friend give that man an ultimatum, they don't always work but sometimes it's enough to change things when one comes to the realization that they could lose the one thing important to them. Family.
@alutka (211)
14 May 12
is a difficult decision, it really looks like only they know themselves, or need to shake this guy or leave him, but the fault lies in the middle.
@CODYMAC (1357)
• San Diego, California
14 May 12
Hello, annierose. I would say that he needs to get his act together, soon, and be a man. I know most guys think that housework is mostly for women, but really? I live alone, and my apartment is clean all of the time. I hate it when things even START to get in a pile. If I were you, I would have a conversation with your lady friend, and have her talk to her husband politely and let him know that helping with the house work would hepl her out a ton. Plus, his drinking is not helping out matters. Just get your friend to listen, and see if she can maybe encourage her husband, not nag. Guys like to be praised for their hard work and accomplishments. I am not saying go overboard with it, but it is a place to start. Have a great day..
@munna007 (227)
• India
14 May 12
her hb needs a kick at back....
@ryanong (9694)
• Vietnam
14 May 12
It is sad to hear this story. I know that life is up and down...however if that man cant earn money now, he should help his wife to do house work while she is going out to earn money. He should know to share works with his wife and together pass this hard time. The wife should talk to her husband to make he understand and sharing works with her. I hope they have a marriage life back.