let it be or not...

@dawnald (84146)
Shingle Springs, California
May 23, 2012 8:18am CST
So last night r was talking about his plans, and he mentions that he has more money than I do to put down on a house. Well yeah, I am taking $12,000 out of my proceeds to pay off my car. Nope, that's not what he was talking about. He has another $20. I look at him funny. He won't tell me what money this is, only that he hasn't been hiding money from me. Well, finally I get him to tell me that it's his stock options with his former employer. He called them, thinking he had maybe $4,000 there, and found out that it was worth $20,000. So I'm thinking, "dang, those stock options were acquired while we were married. Technically they're half mine." And then I thought, "well, I do have a pension, and he doesn't, so why not leave him his 20 grand." But then, thinking about our divorce agreement, it clearly states that each of us will keep our own retirement money, but all other funds will be divided. Hmmm.... He clearly thinks that this is HIS money. To pursue or not to pursue? Why or why not?
6 people like this
22 responses
@GardenGerty (104429)
• United States
23 May 12
Oh, I would be inclined to let him know I [i]could[/i] pursue my half of it, because of that clause, and let him sweat it out, but not do it because the longer you are in negotiations with him and the more you are in court with him, the longer it will be until you are free from him. Were the stock options part of his retirement? I guess I just would want to be done with the bickering er um [i]negotiating[/i]
• United States
23 May 12
I agree with you Gerty, let him know that half of it could be hers...
@dawnald (84146)
• Shingle Springs, California
24 May 12
Don't think I"d need to go to court. My divorce papers are very clear. And if I said something to him, he'd just move it. I'd rather find out where it is behind his back. Not sure if it's retirement money, other or just BS to see what I would do.
1 person likes this
@vandana7 (68723)
• India
23 May 12
He can choose not to cash it right away. If he does that, and the value goes down, it wont be worth it. Would it? Legally, you would be within your rights to claim those monies. R is possibly smarting...remember he didnt really want to lose you. So he is trying to tell you look I have more monies than you, and that you would have been better off had you remained with me. What does Vandy think? Hmmm let me think..in present scenario ..that is not 20000 USD but may be near about 10000 or less. So if you want him to hate you, claim it. If you think you would like to keep him as a friend - god knows when we need one - tell him you knew you are entitled to 50 percent of that, but you are choosing to let him have it because you want peace and a friend instead of an enemy. A lifetime reliable friend for $10000 is real cheap, if you ask me.
2 people like this
• Canada
23 May 12
I kind of agree with you, that I DO think it has to be shared equally. And they made an agreement, and he should stick to it, not rub her nose in it. And yes, if she claims it, he may not be so happy. But in NOT claiming it, but telling him she could, I seriously doubt she will be buying herself a friend for life. Something else is bound to come up that could divide them once again.
@vandana7 (68723)
• India
23 May 12
@AnnieOakley - a. I think R is lieing. As I said, he is trying to make Dawny feel bad and so I dont want her to take the bait. Sort of. Instead, if Dawny is able to make him feel as if he is holding something worthless, he is going to be miserable. b. In case he is not lieing (I am no god or psychologist either but it is just a hunch based on what little I learnt of him here), then he would realize that Dawny did him a favor by not claiming it. He would shut his trap and then onwards learn to be more respectful. c. Third alternative is also there..ask him to share 50 percent. As I said, he would then try to avoid paying by not using those options. Or get even by cashing them when their value is down. And then come running for Dawny's retirement savings. I dont like this.. @nyhollyjean..some people learn lessons differently.
2 people like this
@vandana7 (68723)
• India
23 May 12
Oh ok..he cant claim her retirement monies, but he will definitely try to scrutinize other things, and perhaps he might find something which is inadvertently missed.
2 people like this
@carmelanirel (20979)
• United States
23 May 12
If I remember correctly, you will have sole custody of the children? Then if half of this is yours, I think he should voluntarily offer it because it won't be just for you, but for the kids as well..
2 people like this
@dawnald (84146)
• Shingle Springs, California
24 May 12
Joint custody, physical custody during the week...
2 people like this
• United States
24 May 12
Which means you will have them 5 days a week, he gets them on weekends? Then you have them not only more often, but also will be responsible for their educational needs, you need that money...
1 person likes this
@dawnald (84146)
• Shingle Springs, California
28 May 12
I'm getting the impression he thinks he gets to keep the brokerage acct too.
1 person likes this
@sid556 (31003)
• United States
23 May 12
does he have any retirement money coming to him? If so, then heck..go for it. I so understand the hesitation. I really do. My ex and I had a house together. I KNOW he did pay for more of it than I did and that he would be living there once I moved out and that he would be hurting if he had to pay me my half of the value. He actually got really nasty about it all and made the whole "leaving" quite bitter. He seemed to think that because we were NOT married that he owed me nothing. Well, the fact that we bought the house together and lived in it together both sharing the cost and the fact that we had a child together...yep, I did my homework and he technically could have been made to pay me. I did not persue it and for the sake of peace, I bit my tongue and didn't say a word to him but oh I wanted to. Considering that in the end, he was such a jerk and would not even let me take the kids beds or my washer etc ...I would recommend going for what is yours. You know "R" and you know your own financial situation so only you can really answer that but remember, you will have the kids and you know some of that will be used for them as well.
2 people like this
@dawnald (84146)
• Shingle Springs, California
24 May 12
OUr retirement accounts were pretty equal, so he kept his and I kept mine. This account is something else, if it even exists.
2 people like this
@sid556 (31003)
• United States
24 May 12
Oh well then I think you should probably go for it. If it were the other way around he'd go after it too, right? You have the kids to consider and you have to look ahead. It gets so expensive the older they get. There will be driver ed to pay for, sports, proms, yearbooks and the pics, graduations and a whole lot more.
2 people like this
@dawnald (84146)
• Shingle Springs, California
28 May 12
not sure if he would, his thinking is pretty strange
@MandaLee (3738)
• United States
23 May 12
You may need it. I would pursue getting half the money. You were married, and half of that money is yours. I wish you well.
2 people like this
@dawnald (84146)
• Shingle Springs, California
24 May 12
Yeah, I made some phone calls today, no money with that former employer or its successor. Tend to think it was BS...
1 person likes this
• United States
23 May 12
Aaaaakkkkk! He should have kept his mouth shut if he wanted to keep his money secret. I would go after half of that, because not doing so would be in violation of the divorce agreement. I think you should have a lawyer on this .. I really do. I think you should have had a lawyer from day one. This could get complicated.
2 people like this
@dawnald (84146)
• Shingle Springs, California
24 May 12
Looked at our agreement very closely. If he has stocks that he acquired during our marriage, I do own half. But I called his former employer, and they say if he has anything with them it would be retirement money, and that I"m not entitled to.
1 person likes this
• United States
23 May 12
Is it worth it to get your lawyer and drag out the true separation. I think R is trying to get you to ask for money for a house and then move in with you! So weigh if you want to fight over this money or not.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (84146)
• Shingle Springs, California
24 May 12
If I could findwhere the account is, I believe I could just send them the divorce agreement, and they would take care of it. But I think it was all BS...
2 people like this
• United States
24 May 12
Ok! Then get on with your life and forget R!
2 people like this
@dawnald (84146)
• Shingle Springs, California
28 May 12
I'd like to. The closer we get to our move date, the more and more he's acting like an azz...
1 person likes this
@Lakota12 (42681)
• United States
24 May 12
Oh yeah I would get my half o it GO for it houses cost to buy sometimes more than y think if something goes wrong like pipes breaking or something like that down the road
1 person likes this
@dawnald (84146)
• Shingle Springs, California
24 May 12
if it's real - after a few phone calls I'm inclined to thnk it may be BS.
@Lakota12 (42681)
• United States
24 May 12
Could be but check with his 401K he can get habout half of it and pay himself back
1 person likes this
@dawnald (84146)
• Shingle Springs, California
24 May 12
I'm not entitled to any of his 401k. I kept mine and he kept his. They were roughly equal in value anyway.
@ElicBxn (60894)
• United States
23 May 12
If it doesn't add to your lawyer costs, go for it.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (84146)
• Shingle Springs, California
24 May 12
lawyer?
1 person likes this
@ElicBxn (60894)
• United States
24 May 12
If you don't have a lawyer - go for it!
1 person likes this
@dawnald (84146)
• Shingle Springs, California
24 May 12
For $10,000? The lawyer would probably eat up half of it!
@missybear (11395)
• United States
23 May 12
I guess it depends on how friendly or not your divorce is. If you guys split as enemies than I sure would try to get my share but if you're still friends maybe he will share some of it with you since you bought the stock when you were married. On the other hand if you had some cash stashed would you want to share it. I guess that's why some people get pre nubs
1 person likes this
@dawnald (84146)
• Shingle Springs, California
24 May 12
Yeah but a pre-nup would only apply if he had acquired it before the marriage. This was during...
@missybear (11395)
• United States
24 May 12
"DUH" you're right
1 person likes this
@Janey1966 (24126)
• Carlisle, England
23 May 12
Personally, I couldn't be bothered. But if you think otherwise..you go girl!
1 person likes this
@dawnald (84146)
• Shingle Springs, California
24 May 12
NOt worth getting a lawyer, but if I can locate the funds, it's worth contacting them, sending a copy of the divorce papers, and seeing what they will do.
1 person likes this
@Janey1966 (24126)
• Carlisle, England
24 May 12
I wish you luck anyway Dawn..as always.
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@MsTickle (24994)
• Australia
27 May 12
Pursue it - if only on principle. It IS half yours...certainly not his. (Thank goodness he spilled the beans). I don't know what your financial situation is or what R will be paying towards the kids but you seem to me to be fairly affluent. I'm taking into consideration the price of the house you are looking to buy and that's a big chunk for a car. Unless you have a really high paying job and R will be contributing heavily towards the kids then you will be struggling to pay off a mortgage and raise 3 children ...especially at their age.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (84146)
• Shingle Springs, California
28 May 12
I make a pretty good salary. Also, we sold our last house high (at Los Angeles prices, and we had bought it low, so we have a fair amount of equity...
@celticeagle (120598)
• Boise, Idaho
25 May 12
OMG! Is $10,000 really worth it? This is more or less something he did for retiredment anyway. If I was finally getting the divorce behind me and was getting him somewhat out of my hair I certainly WOULD NOT persue this. The lawyer it would take to persue this would probably eat up a good portion of this anyway. And having to put up with this man that much more to get this money from him......I wouldn't do it. Not worth it!
@dawnald (84146)
• Shingle Springs, California
28 May 12
I don't think it's retirement money
• United States
25 May 12
I would leave him with that and wish his tail well. You are done with all the drama and mess and don't need another drag out fight over money.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (84146)
• Shingle Springs, California
28 May 12
he's being such an azz I may go after it anyway
• United States
23 May 12
It's half yours. Threaten all you can to get that money, but try not to hurt your relationship with him.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (84146)
• Shingle Springs, California
24 May 12
If I threaten, he'll probably find a way to hide it...
@blue65packer (11835)
• United States
23 May 12
Go for it! I would! You probaly could get half of it! In Wisconsin if you are married a certain mount of time you get half of your ex spouses retirement fund! My brother-in-law has to pay his ex wife half of his pension! He is not thrilled about it but he does. You are intitled to half of R's! So go after it! It might pay off!
1 person likes this
@dawnald (84146)
• Shingle Springs, California
24 May 12
If it's not retirement money, I"m entitled to half, if it's retirement, I'm not (I have as much retirement money as he has)...
@much2say (40584)
• United States
23 May 12
Oh my, that's a toughy for me! On one hand, I think he's a fool to open his mouth at this point about his money. On the other hand, I feel kinda sorry for him - that he didn't think it through (as always) that he might have to put his foot in his mouth for what he said. I don't know what all would be involved in obtaining your half . . . but I guess some people are saying you have to think of court more costs and time and that it might not be divided equally anyway? I guess you have to weigh it out - worth it, not worth it . . . but it's nice knowing you do have a pin to pop his balloon!!!
1 person likes this
@dawnald (84146)
• Shingle Springs, California
24 May 12
I think it's about a 50% chance that it was a BS story...
@sswallace21 (1824)
• United States
23 May 12
It'll might cost you more to pursue it the you'll actually get after taxes and the lawyer's fee. You kn ow they'll want to share it with you. My guess it won't be shared equally. It a great system we have in America. LOL
1 person likes this
@dawnald (84146)
• Shingle Springs, California
24 May 12
yeah, not worth it if I need to get a lawyer to go after it...
@marguicha (104383)
• Chile
23 May 12
Oh R, how glad I am that I have $10.000 more! Thanks for letting me know about these stocks that weacquired while we were married! That´s what our divorce agreement stated, didn´t it, R dear?
1 person likes this
@dawnald (84146)
• Shingle Springs, California
24 May 12
It's exactly what it stated, but I"m not convinced that his story is true...
@alberello (4755)
• Italy
23 May 12
Well, dear friend Dawnald, meanwhile, let me be me sorry for the fact that the two of you, as a married couple, have divorced. to achieve this, clearly there have been some obvious reasons. As regards the management of money, well, you have to see what has been agreed upon previously, and consequently what regards the marriage bond. Now I not that I can understand that much inherently the division of property, but usually, from what I came to ear. gets half. Or rather, that everyone, respects his part.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (84146)
• Shingle Springs, California
24 May 12
What was agreed is that we divide all cash and stock accounts, except for retirement accounts, in which case each person keeps their own.
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