Afraid of commitment

Canada
June 2, 2012 6:56pm CST
I just started seeing a new guy, I refer to him as my boyfriend because it's much less complicated than saying "they guy I'm kind of sort of seeing" We're nothing official but we spend a fair amount of time together. I've never been in a nice relationship. I've only been with guys that treated me like crap and made me feel badly. How do I get over my absolute terror of starting a new relationship, he's a good guy very kind and generous but I find I'm pulling away from him because I'm afraid it will inevitably end and I'll get hurt again. I don't know if I can mentally handle another freak show of a relationship. Do you have any advice for me to calm down a bit? Thanks!
2 people like this
5 responses
@chiyosan (29383)
• Philippines
4 Jun 12
Do not do this to yourself... you should not really be worrying yourself about something that you still have not experienced. Life is complicated as it is... you really should not be overly thinking of the negative things and give him the chance and give yourself a chance too.. when you bring in your past experience with you in this new one.. you really need to let go of the past and live with your present now and be happy.
1 person likes this
• Canada
5 Jun 12
You are right, I do need to let go of the past. I can't move on with him if I'm still messed up from the past. It's not that I'm not over my ex's it's more that I'm not over all the crap they put me through. I just keep waiting for him to be mean to me or to leave.
• Bahamas
3 Jun 12
I've learnt it's never easy definitely not healthy to start new relationships, with old ones in mind. The best way to make this new relationship work is to open up the gates of communication and honesty. Take a chance to discuss with each other the boundaries of the heart, remember take it easy and slow never look at this new guy with the stick of the old ones. Since your starting this relationship fresh and just starting out you both can put a trust test in place for the first few months. Vulgar little princess you say this guy is nice then take a chance to see where it can lead to, in three months time with communication as the key it should work out. Take the time to date and get personal with each other then you will slide into a boyfriend and girlfriend relationship quick. All the best to you both in your new realtionship.
1 person likes this
• Canada
4 Jun 12
thanks so much :) I'm trying to take things slow, but I'm still so... so what? apprehensive I guess. I really hope this works out for me :)
@celticeagle (117169)
• Boise, Idaho
3 Jun 12
You need to deal with what has gone down before in your life. It would be silly on your part not to set out on a new relationship and feel some anxiety. I think that in the past you have made some bad choices. Have you taken some time to really visit what you want and need from a man and from a relationship? Does he have your values? Is he of the same faith? How much do you have in common? That sort of thing. Before you fully pull away and leave the relationship I would give this some heavy thought. Do you really care for him or are you making another bad choice? Is he good to you? Does he have the same feelings you do? Is he someone you can see yourself living in harmony with? I'd give it some serious thought. Write down what you expect, need, want from a man and then see if he fits the bill.
• Canada
3 Jun 12
I'm not sure if he is religious or not, I believe that each person is entitled to their own beliefs, so it's not something that has really come up yet. I don't think it's bad choices, I mean it's not like I went into my last relationship knowing I'd be yelled at when I ate. He is very sweet and attentive, we have a bunch of things in common and get along really well.
• United States
3 Jun 12
well, vulgar, if you feel he is very sweet and attentive, you have a lot of things in common and you get along very well, what more could you want? just go with the flow. if things go wrong and he gets mean like the other ones, just move on....
1 person likes this
• Canada
3 Jun 12
That's true, I can always move on if things don't work out. But I'd like to finally find someone where things do work out. I'm in my mid 20s and would love to settle down sooner rather than later.
1 person likes this
@bluespygirl (2112)
• Philippines
3 Jun 12
Hello! I understand you in some way. Being committed with each other has many strings attach. I mean, maybe you should take things slowly and take time. Maybe being committed means so much to you. Maybe you say that this and that things should be because you are in a relationship. Thats the reason why some people is okay with their partners as friends thats exclusively dating. It is like being in a relationship without pressure, I think. I'm sorry about your previous relationships. I hope you'll find the right guy for you. I wish you happiness with your new guy. :)
• Canada
3 Jun 12
thanks so much for your well wishes :) I've explained my reservations and he seems to understand. We're taking things slowly but I'm still so nervous!
• Philippines
5 Jun 12
Good for you! Take things slowly. I really wish you well.Hope to hear from you about it..
• Canada
5 Jun 12
Thank you so much! I promise I'll make another thread as things go along :)
@WakeUpKitty (8707)
• Netherlands
3 Jun 12
The fact you know you have been threated like crap is already a good start. Better is if you also know why they were able to threat you like that. So write it down and remind you to this and promise yourself you won't accept that anymore. Next have a close look at the new guy. Is he really the same (habits, behaviour, the way he threats you? Ask yourself what is the worst then can happen to you and would you be able to handle this/survive it (again)?). Since you already know this guy for longer you could say you two already have a relationship (it doesn't matter what kind of). Seems to me you are not in a hurry so give it time, perhaps it will be 2 steps forward, 1 step backwards but who cares? If that guy is serious about you two he will wait. If not he is not the one.
• Canada
3 Jun 12
This guy is completely different than other guys I've dated. He's down to earth and knows what he wants. I'm not sure if I would be able to survive another horrible relationship and break up. I don't think it's a matter of time healing wounds just a matter of me needing something more stable and mature.