your boyfriend's mother hates you

@attente (987)
Philippines
June 3, 2012 7:51pm CST
My boyfriend's mother used to like me.. As a matter of fact, she loved me. Whenever they have family gathering, she would really invite me and would include me in all family activities.. Whenever she travel to another places, she would include me in her list to buy something.. And whenever I can't visit their house for a week, she would really look for me. One day, my boyfriend and I had misundertanding.. It's a big fight actually.. I cried so hard and instead of making me feel okay, he left.. I was so mad for being acting like that.. I called his name and ask him to get back. I asked him if I could slap him since I can't take the pain anymore.. He agreed, if that would make me feel better, and I did.. Now, he cried. It was his first time to be slapped and never did he imagine I can do that to him.. He then cut the communication. He won't answer my text messages and calls. After a week, he then started texting me again and telling me he got afraid with me, slapping him and shouting at him when getting mad. I know it's not good to do such things, but I was really mad that time. It was his fault at the first place why we had a fight that day and he just left me crying that makes me freak out.. But I was really sorry.. And the worst thing, during the one week of not having a communication with him, he did tell his family about us.. He said he got no one but his family to share the pain with.. I understand him and I can't blame him for sharing it to his family that I slapped him. I know what we had is not an easy problem but we decided to try again and make things work out. We go out again and act as nothing happened. I guess, we love each other so much, only that we're still not mature enough to handle big problems. We're okay now. But I don't think my relationship with his family is as good as before.. I haven't seen his mother for more than a month and she's not looking for me either.. They had few family gatherings last summer but no one bothered to invite me already. And one of my friends say that my boyfriend's mother told her that it would be my loss if I broke up with his son, letting go of someone as good as his son. I can really say that my relationship with my boyfriend's mother messed up.. How do you think should I handle this one? In the first place, I had my reasons why I get so mad that time. If she only knew what his son did to me.
5 people like this
14 responses
@blummus (451)
• United States
4 Jun 12
No, attente, you gave her reason to hate you. Your boyfriend was a fool to let you hit him and you were a bigger fool to ask him to do it. Hitting a loved one is not acceptable, whether it's a man or woman doing the hitting. The best thing you can do at this point is admit you were wrong and end this bad romance before it gets worse. Move on and don't make that mistake again.
@attente (987)
• Philippines
4 Jun 12
Yeah, I know that was really a bad mistake. And I swear not to do it again. So you think that we really have to end our relationship now even though we're okay now? The only problem now is my relationship with his mother and not with my partner.
@attente (987)
• Philippines
4 Jun 12
Thanks stowyk! I also think we don't have to end our relationship actually. We're back to normal.. I just think we are both super tired that time because we got so busy with our jobs to the point that we don't see each other for weeks.. But we're fine now.. I wish I could turn back time and not do the slapping.. I was just really mad that time. :(
@GADHISUNU (2164)
• India
4 Jun 12
First and foremost it is between you and your boyfriend and your boyfriend's mom mustn't have involved herself that much to feel bad or pissed off. Anyway mothers have a special love for their sons and I can clearly understand her feelings of "anger" and her expressing that you stand to lose if you lost your BF. This again is very much in line with how mothers think of their son's worth [em]:-)[\em] Now, the best way forward for you is to ask, or nudge your BF to speak to his mother. It is he who must set things right. It is his word that would carry weight with his mother. It will not be an easy task for you to win the trust of his mother unless some miracle happens and you are able do "save" the "Mister in disstress", and that in full view or knowledge of his mom![em]:-)[\em]. You must give this some time. Till such time as things fall into place you must now only concentrate on building the bridges between you and BF stronger, without much bothering about his other family members. If your BF has a sister, then maybe there is some hope of approaching peace-making efforts through her...
@attente (987)
• Philippines
4 Jun 12
very well said gadhisunu.. Yes, we can't really blame his mother harboring bad feelings towards me specially that she's a mother.. She would always have this feeling that she has to protect his son.. My boyfriend is actually offering to talk to his mother but I don't want to.. Because I'm afraid that she'll think differently like my boyfriend is so inlove to that point that he's still protecting me despite what I did to him.. Well, I should stop thinking about this.. This is causing me so much stress, I can't sleept thinking about this for nights. :( In time, God's time, everything will fall into places..
@GADHISUNU (2164)
• India
4 Jun 12
Easier said than done, attente! If you were feeling the stress you would not have wanted to unwind here. I can understand your fears about goading your BF to intervene. Yeah, it may give his mother a fear about your influence on her son and may put her on the defensive. Then you have only two option. Wait for the miracle to happen or you have rightly pointed out let time and God take care of what should happen. Any keep communication channels with BF open and honest so that such situations don't happen again..! All the best for the speedy "resolution" of your problem
@Paper_Doll (2375)
• Philippines
4 Jun 12
Well attente, this is actually the first I heard someone ask for permission if he could slap him or her. I do not know exactly what your boyfriend did to you to make you feel bad. It may be something big that made you hurt him in return. But like we all know, there's no good in taking revenge. If he hurted you, then just tell him how you feel. There are some people who never experienced being slapped all their lives. Like for me, my father never hurted us. My siblings and I have done so many strange things whene we are still kids but he never hurted us PHYSICALLY. Sometimes, words are far more effective. But I really do not blame you for doing so. This maybe your way of expressing your feelings but how would you feel if the situation is the other way around and your guy slapped you because you hurted him? You are right that maybe you are not mature enough to face those kinds of problems. I am also amazed that your boyfriend told his mother that you slapped him? I think a real gentleman would not do so. He may not even tell his mother of what had happened. If he does, he might just explain that you two had misunderstanding but without the detail. But if he really did tell his mother, I guess his mother is just worried that the reaction you had during your fight with your boyfriend might elevate once you two become a couple. What you can do is reach out for her so you would know what she really feels towards you at present. Do not forget to say sorry eventhough you said that it was really his son's fault at all. Say sorry for hurting his son but explain your side.
@attente (987)
• Philippines
4 Jun 12
I agree paper doll, I shouldn't have had my revenge through slapping.. My bad, I know.. I was really thinking that kindness would kill him faster than slapping.. I just didn't had the control that time, I was so mad.. And all i know is I need to let him know I'm in pain and I want him to feel the same, I want him to be in pain to be fair.. He told his mother about slapping because he wonder if slapping is really normal in a relationship.. He asked his mother if she had slapped his father, even once.. And his mother get the point, that he was slapped. I already said sorry to his mother and she said that it's fine, she hopes it won't happen again.. I want to believe it's fine but it's really not..
@Dominique25 (9475)
• United States
4 Jun 12
That is one reason why it is best to leave family out of relationship problems. Even if the couple gets back together there is still more of a chance that the family will harbor bad feelings toward the other person. When my husband and I have a disagreement we know not to go and talk to family members about it who will make problems for the relationship.I hope that with time his mother will not feel badly towards you.
@attente (987)
• Philippines
4 Jun 12
Yes, I agree. My boyfriend is a very transparent guy. Whenever we got problems, his family would immediately notice that we had a fight with how he acts.. He's still living with his parents and it's really hard to hide.. But I always tell him not to tell his parents about our problems because this is something to be solved by us.. I just think he finds the slapping something hard to bare alone, I mean it was his first time to be slapped and he was really in pain that time.. But he now learned to shut his mouth specially that we think his mother is harboring bad feelings towards me.
• Mexico
4 Jun 12
Hi attente: It's normal that she feels offended because she is hurt because of your reaction with her son. You must be humble and try to approach to her. It's hard to know but you also made a mistake. When things would be better there could be a possibility you talk to her and explain your reasons. ALVARO
@attente (987)
• Philippines
4 Jun 12
Yes, I admit alvaro that it is really a mistake to hit him. After I did that, I cried all night. If only I could turn things back. I already talked to her and even send her a card, saying sorry.. But I guess she still feel bad for what I did.. I guess I'll just wait.. Time heals as they say and me ang my boyfriend would just have to prove to her that everything's fine with us.. and that won't be happening again, i mean the hitting..
@bubuth (1816)
• Philippines
16 Aug 12
i think, since you are close to his mom for the first time, try to talk to her personally. Tell to her your side so your relationship with them will be okay again, and for you to hear her side also. It's okay if your boyfriend tell to his family what happened in argument and when you slap him, i think he just can't handle the pain also that's why he is looking for someone that will comfort him. Maybe when you slap him, it was a very big deal for him. Just try to tell your side to his family and everything will be okay again.. Happy Mylotting..
@sid556 (31003)
• United States
4 Jun 12
Hi Attente, Well, you did admit that you were wrong to slap your boyfriend and you were.There is no reason in the world that makes it ok to slap or in any way physically attack another person regardless of how mad you are. It does seem like you do know this and that you feel very bad about it. It also sounds as if you are trying to justify yourself because he made you so mad. I'm sure you had cause to be mad and maybe even furious but nothing justifies hitting him. From a mother's standpoint, if someone hit one of my children then I'd have a very hard time feeling good about the relationship too. Abuse is abuse. If my child continued on in the relationship after the abuse, yes..I'd be a bit leary. I would support my childs decision and hope that it was a one time incident. I think you just need to just give his mom time to warm up to you again and to be assured that it won't happen again. And whatever you do...don't try to justify your actions by telling her WHY you were mad at her son. If anything at all, it might help if you tell her yourself how very bad you feel and tell her that it won't happen again.
• Pamplona, Spain
4 Jun 12
Hiya attente, Here I can only say that situations like this can happen to anyone and especially if you are both under strain. It takes strength of love to get back again and his mother has to know that those things happen it might well have happened to her as well but she might have forgotten it. If it was one of my Son´s I always make sure what the situation is first but even then I usually keep out of lover´s quarrels or tiffs whatever you like to call them. He sure must have made you pretty mad though. No matter you are both now on an even keel and I hope it stays that way. Sometimes the Boat has to rock from side to side for us to realize how strong we feel about each other. Take care now and nice chatting to you after so long a time.xxx
• United States
4 Jun 12
Violence is never the answer, no matter how mad you get. It only leads to more problems. I'm surprised he let you slap him. I'm even more surprised you asked. The thing is, relationships are built on compromise and communication. The only thing you're communicating when you hit each other is pain and hurt and hatred. It would have been best to calm down first. Maybe go take a walk by yourself before you talked to him. Because you were so heated, you acted out your feelings by slapping him.
• United States
4 Jun 12
According to what you have told us, this boydriend has never been slapped. You have offended his mother by bringing physical pain upon her son. I truely believe you can not fix it. Maybe let her know, that you are very sorry for what you have done and that her son has forgiven you, and that maybe she too will forgive you in time. Now that you know how this has affected your relationships with them both, maybe make a promise to them and yourself , that this will never happen again. Good Luck:-)
@dream_ozn (1758)
• Singapore
4 Jun 12
Hi attente, really sorry to read about your story. i bet you must be feeling very unhappy now and you don't know what to do. But i would first like to ask you are now still wtih your boyfriend right? I think all parents would favor their own children over anybody else. even if his mum knew what he did to you, they will still side their own children. no matter how much she loved you, she love her own son more (i got this from my own situation). I know everybody is just advising you to communication wtih your boyfriend and to ask him what he thinks of your relationship right at this moment. It's easy for us bystanders to say just talk with each other. But i do undestand that it's no easy task. Most importantly, you have to think for yourself too. What was the wrong thing he did to make you mad at him? is it somethign very serious or just a small matter? are you able to accept it if he did the same mistake over again? and do you still love him and want to be wtih him. perhaps you can start thinking about your relationship before finding him to have a good talk with him. Hope all will be well for you!
@WakeUpKitty (8706)
• Netherlands
4 Jun 12
Does it matter what your mother in law thinks about you? Isn't it more important that the two of you see first if you can work this out and your relationship is getting stronger? I think you are right, both of you are not mature enough to handle big problems but most people are not. Only if you have to deal with them you will find out if you are able too. I think in the end you both are since you are together and try to find a way. Your bf is childish and probably lied to his family as well. You asked him if you could slap him, he agreed so he should not be whining with his family and changing colours after you did. He doesn't sound like a grown up or a guy to me but like a whining baby. Not my type of guy. Let it be for the time being and try to have an open look at your relationship and the kind of person your bf is. Being married with a guy (in future) who will report everything to his family, who is not able to talk to you, who is changing colours because he is too much coward to tell what really was going on, will destroy you and your life. My advice to you also is: stop finding excuses for what happenend. He started a fight, you were sad, you asked him to stay, you got mad, he got mad.. it's normal behaviour nothing to be ashamed of. If you can't be yourself with the one you love it's useless to be together.
@rajaiv0810 (1013)
• Philippines
4 Jun 12
It seems like you have dealt things with your boyfriend now and you are working things out with him. Maybe you can talk about this with with your boyfriend and he can help you settle things with his family. They got hurt with that you did I am sure. Regardless of the reason of your fight you have hurt him and with that his family got hurt too. If you love your boyfriend and so as his family I don't there is any reason for you not to apologize to them. As you have accepted the fact that you made a mistake, you should say sorry to his mom. In that way, she would realize that you didn't mean to hurt her son.
@tessa9 (1086)
• Philippines
4 Jun 12
I think it is really unfair when a mother in law come in the way of a relationship, a good relationship. If the other person is playing the other person then someone could interfere but if the couple are happy with each other then I don't think anyone has the right to destroy what they have. My mom hates my older brother's girlfriend to the point where she is actually enabling him to cheat. She always tells him that she deserves someone a lot better. It is just unfair.