Annoyed with the whole thing.

@avonrep1 (1862)
United States
June 6, 2012 6:38pm CST
I am so annoyed right now. Over the last few months my ex-husband has been driving me nuts. I guess I should back up a little bit. We were not married very long, should have never been married but the one great thing that came out of it is my son. My son is a great kid. He is a very sweet child, he is 12 years old now, starting to slowly becoming a man. My son has Aspergers, but for the most part you would never be able to tell as he is a high functioning autistic child. He loves his life, love the fact that he has not 1 but 2 daddy's, he feels he is special because of that. I have had my issues with my ex through out the years. I have had to put up with needless things through out the years. From early on his first girlfriend after the divorce called Child Protection Services on me 11 times in 4 months. When asked her name she game my ex's mother's name instead of her own. When they broke up, she called to tell me all she had done. Including shoving food down my son's throat if she put something in front of him, that he wouldn't eat. (That was also something she told CPS I was doing.) Then after they split up things were good for 2 months, bring in the next girl friend. Who later became his wife. For those of you who have followed me. I have written on here about the wife. Now she is his ex wife. She blogged online the day after she met my son saying she hated him. She continued blogging about my son and me, for years. Finally I confronted my ex-husband about blogs, he said he had no clue about them. Shortly there after, she attacked him with a sword and he divorced her. During the time he was married to her though, he would have excuses of why he couldn't pick up his son for his weekly visits though he did fairly well of seeing him weekly, there were excuses after excuse of why his support wasn't being paid. Once he left his wife, he started spending quality time with his son finally. Really spending time with him. My son adores his bio-logical father. I want him to have a close relationship with his father. And I was finally getting support every week. During this time, he did lose his job. When his unemployment benefits ran out, I told him not to worry about it now, he could make it up later, to get back on his feet. It took a year but he finally has a job now. I told him not to worry about support till he could get caught up a little, just pay what he could. I guess it around October or so, when his dad tells me he has a new girlfriend. Cool, just make sure you don't slide back into the old habits. He did good for a couple of months, and then right before Christmas, he got his girlfriend pregnant. He finally got a job and started working in February. In March I had a job to do in the town he lives in, it took nearly all month to do, but I helped him by dropping him off in March for his weekly visits. Since then, he has cancelled every week except two. He don't call, he just does not show up. When I call him, he has excuse after excuse. Back in March, he was mad that I didn't have our son in therapy anymore.( I haven't been able to afford it not getting support for over a year)So he tells me he is going to be paying support again and if I don't get him in he isn't gonna call CPS on me but someone we Know will. So I told him off and said fine I will get him in. Here comes the problem. He tells me he paid his support when in reality he hasn't. In my state the turn around on support checks is 24 business hours. Even if paid on a Friday with the following Monday being a holiday I would still have my support check by Wednesday the following week. He was suppose to pay support on the 1st didn't make it in to pay it before they closed, told me he paid it on Monday, there is a 800 number I can call to find out when support has been paid, it is updated daily. There has been no support payment made. Tomorrow my son should have a therapy session, because the money isn't here I can't afford it. When I called to them I hadn't received support and I wouldn't have the co-pay till Friday, they told me they would have to cancel the appointment and since it wasn't over 24 hour notices I would be billed a missed appointment fee. Even if I show up they won't see him without the co-pay. Because I asked about the support he says all I care about is money. (He was already behind on child support before his lost his job, over $4,000 he now is behind nearly $6,000) If all I cared about was money, I would go get SSI for my autistic son, I would go into court, and have them look at the money he is making now versus what he was making as an E-2 pay grade at the time of the divorce. (He makes a lot more now than in the Army as an E-2) I never went back and asked for increases when he got promoted in the military, which I could have if money mattered. Money does matter to an extent, but to me my son spending time with his dad is more important. My biggest problem with my ex is that he seems to be ashamed of our son. Because he has aspergers, like he isn't proud of him. When my son tells his father his dreams, his father tells him he can't do it. Then when I ask him why he said that, he back pedals and says I didn't mean it like that, he has to work hard and I am trying to prepare him for a tough world. My son is a computer and gaming geek. He put his first computer together at the age of 3 and 1/2. He beat his first computer game at 12 months old, yes it was a toddler game his older sister had been playing, she got up he jumped on and I watched amazed as this little guy navigated the game and beat it completely in less than an hour. My girls had been working for a month playing it took them another month before coming to that last chapter in the game. He will spend time with our son and then come bring him home and tell me so and so said our boy is weird, or strange. I ask him what do you say in return, his response, "nothing". He can't understand why I get angry about this. Our child's brain works differently than other peoples do. I have been asked what is wrong with him at times sometimes in rude ways as my ex brings it to me. And I use that to educate those around us about his condition. And we have had no issues, mainly for me its been children that have asked, and once informed, they understand and they are not mean and don't pick on him. The people around my ex though is another story because he don't say anything or educate those around our son when he has him. My son was a Young Marine up till recently. Because he can't remember things he not interest in, and no he don't like Young Marines all that well, he wants to do it because his dad is one of the leaders and he gets to spend time with his dad. He don't care what he is doing with his dad, he just wants to spend time with him. His dad couldn't take it, the kids thinking his kid is weird and strange, he refuses to tell them about our son's condition, when time after time has shown that if educated, kids don't pick on autistic kids for the most part. The worst is the adults my ex allows my son to be around that talk bad about him. While my ex says nothing to them. But then wants to drop off my son and repeat those things to me. Then he wants to criticize the educational choices I have made for our son. He learns differently, its weird and strange the way he learns. I have to adapt to make sure he isn't left behind. He can read a book and not remember a word of it, take that book put it on the computer, he can remember 90% or more of it. So I home school using an online school. I also have him do some traditional work so he can work on his writing skills mainly, a little bit each day and we work on all subject each week with his writing skills. There is a school that delivers the materials that way in our area but they don't deliver the materials in that format till the 9th grade. When he starts his 8th grade year, I am getting the forms to enroll him in that program. To me I feel like my ex isn't proud of our son. He don't stick up for him when people are saying stuff about him. My son is a tough little guy, he rarely if ever cry's but when he father don't call or don't show and he finds out he isn't coming, you can see him fighting back the tears. He is different, and its okay to be different. I wish my ex could see that its find for him to be strange or weird, he is special he is unique, he is our boy and he should be proud of him like I am. Okay this is my rant. To make this an official discussion what would you do, if your ex never stood up for your child? What would you do if your ex was threatening you with charges of Medical neglect because they stopped paying support and you can't afford the co pays for the therapy? Should I just say screw it and take him back to court (its been over 7 years since the last time I had to) to make sure I am getting the support when I am suppose to? What would you do to get your ex to realize what they are doing is hurting their child?
1 person likes this
4 responses
@celticeagle (118553)
• Boise, Idaho
7 Jun 12
I would see about taking him to court about revamping the divorce and child support. He needs to help you pay these co-pays. Can you get help from Medicaid? Divorces are so sad sometimes when there are children involved. Mens new girlfriends don't always want them to be responsible and do what is right.
@avonrep1 (1862)
• United States
7 Jun 12
My husband makes too much money for him to get Medicaid. My husband has a good job, and if we didn't have so much medical debt from when we where under insured, the co pays wouldn't even be an issue. I have other children and one had a condition that left her in the hospital on and off for 3 years. Then we finally get her better and I got sick and had a botch operation. So we are struggling to pay those past medical bills. Its kind of silly really that I am even being forced by him to take him to therapy. I have learned myself what to work with him on, and I do daily. For the most part you can't even tell there is anything wrong with my son. Mainly if he is telling you something and you don't acknowledge what he is saying, that is mainly when you can tell something is off. Because he will repeat himself 100 times. I know that what he is doing is hurting his relationship with his son, he don't see it, but one day he will. He is using different excuses but is doing to our son what his father did to him and he is blind and doesn't see. I pity him, I really do.
1 person likes this
@celticeagle (118553)
• Boise, Idaho
7 Jun 12
Well, they say that your God doesn't give you more than you can handle. My mom used to repeat herself over and over too. Just her nervous way though. We all have our parculiarities. I pity your son's father too.
@PageTurner (2827)
• United States
7 Jun 12
Hello avonrep1 I am sorry to hear of your woes. I would think that your ex-spouse would want to please you since he has not paid child support in so long. It is kind of you to give him a break while he tries to get back on his feet. If you need support now, I suppose you should do what you need to do to get it. Do you want all of the back-support as well, or would you be willing to just start from here? I can't imagine him not backing down with his threats if he knows you were going to seek back child support. As far as trying to get him to act differenlty toward your child, there is nothing you can do about that. You can't change his behavior, only yours.
@avonrep1 (1862)
• United States
7 Jun 12
I have had an order of support since our divorce. He is on the hook for all the back support even if I don't take him to court to get a garnishment, because that is what I meant by taking him to court to get a garnishment. I also forgot to mention his father is suppose to carry insurance on him and doesn't. His new job offers insurance too, but he still hasn't provided me with the information yet. Then I have to pay the first $278 of uninsured medical then he pays half. Which would be fair if he was carrying the insurance, so that is another thing that I think maybe I should go to court over. Change it since I am carrying the insurance, that he be responsible for the first $278 then half. You would think he would be grateful, but I think he gets a thrill off of doing things to alienate his son and me.
@andy77e (5165)
• United States
24 Oct 12
Well unfortunately, some bad choices and ruin the rest of your life. There's not much you can do to fix this, for you or your son. My only advice would be to not count on the father at all. If you want to go back to court, fine, but the results will likely not end up much different. There's a million ways a guy can not pay child support, and having him thrown in jail, or fined, really doesn't help you. Fighting with him, will only make you angry and bitter. That doesn't hurt him, only you. I think I would offer to cut him loose. Either let have the child, or have him release the child completely to you. Having two supposed parents fight over a child, makes the child feel horrible, useless, and unwanted. Granted you specifically are fighting for the child, but children do not understand that. To them, you are fighting because of them (and you are). That does more damage than good. Of course we know that this guy won't take the child, so perhaps this will motivate him to let it go. Of course that means no child support at all. But then it doesn't sound like you are missing much. Further, I would suggest you look at the world as it is, and not as it should be. What your ex-husband does, or does not do, should no longer be your concern. Any chance of having a happy joyful marriage in this area is over. Let it go, and stop living in the past. He's not going to be proud of the son he rarely sees. He's not going to make you and your son a priority. He's not going to be a super father. You need to let go of this "he ought to" and "he should" blaw blaw blaw. That's over with. You are not his wife, you have no influence on him. All you do by replaying this crap in your mind, is make yourself bitter and angry over something you have ZERO control over. Let it go darling. Just let it go. Yes your son is going to be hurt. But you turning into a bitter old woman, will hurt him too. Weep with your son, but don't hold this garbage inside about how your ex-husband isn't what he should be. If you are in a church, I would suggest you sit down with your pastor, and talk to him about the concerns with your son. No, nothing will replace a father in a childs life. Nothing does. And you can't be a father to your child either. But there are other things that can help. Not if you are wasting away under the weight of bitterness and anger toward someone you should never have married. Move forward. Not backward.
• United States
7 Jun 12
First of all take him to court!! He needs to help you with money... Second of all if he is going to make comments like that about your son he sucks as a father! Hopefully someday he will regret it but you and your son do not need someone like him in your life!!