What is "I am so Sorry for...." Maybe, I do NOT have any Etiquette...

@thesids (22358)
Bhubaneswar, India
June 13, 2012 12:52am CST
Hi friends and lotters Pop up a discussion on Heartbreak, Sad Demise or Bad Health here at MyLot or anywhere and you would find people coming up with "Oh I am so Sorry for...". Call that social etiquette or even friendship or anything, but I realized that I do not say these words that easily. I do say but only in rare cases with people whom I really feel close to. Now before you start to think that I am unsocial, unfriendly or even one who does not know of how to behave on a Social Network (or even some words which I might not have even heard of), I think I should try explaining why (oh no, I would try to be short and not a boring one)- Personally, I believe that these words bring more sadness for the starter as they do remind me (if I was the starter) of the loss more. Again, I dont see this phrase of any value as I know and believe you too know somewhere deep within that Your being Sorry IS NOT going to help me in anyway. Will my gone love return back to me? Or will your saying Sorry, would give me courage enough to face the things in a different way? Still, I see this happening many a times and unfortunately some people feel bad when I dont say "I am sorry for...". Any remedies? Am I wrong? Should I start saying things even when I dont mean anything from anywhere within? Note: This discussion is NOT from any MyLot Experience, instead it is based on an incident in real life - when my aunt was hospitalized and people started telling me they were sorry to hear the news. Many even havent met my Aunt ever. And some are mere professional relations who dont ever get a chance to be personal. Have a great day. theSids.
7 people like this
24 responses
@pergammano (7755)
• Canada
13 Jun 12
OH,OH..an issue where we will "butt heads!" Thru my rose-colored glasses, I have not ever lost vision of the world being a better-place if it were a "sorrier" world! "Sorrier" for all the atrocities that we have imposed on each other, the horrendous disrespect, the massacres...being sorry enough that we reflect on the past useless actions...and go forth with MORE compassion, and being a little "sorrier" for the sadness of others, albeit complete strangers! "I am sorry", three powerful little words, that can carry as much impact as; I love you, I adore you, I respect you....ALL three little word sentences that I feel could change the course of this world! To me, all NOT used often enough..or heard often enough! Just my take, Little Bro! HUGZ
3 people like this
@kalav56 (11502)
• India
13 Jun 12
pergammano!
2 people like this
• Canada
13 Jun 12
thank you, my dear, kalav56....being a pacifist, I strive for a kinder world!
1 person likes this
• United States
13 Jun 12
I completely agree with you, Perga. I think that saying "I am sorry" when you really mean it, especially if you did not know the person that well or even at all, is a very good thing, because it means that you have empathy for others. I think that if we all had empathy for others, then we might think more about how we treat others and not do some of the mean and nasty things that we do, because we would put ourselves in their shoes and not many really want to be on the receiving end of so much pain and negativity.
2 people like this
@viju0410 (2286)
• India
13 Jun 12
hi sids, That is the way Sid look at things. For me, sorry/ thanks etc or any other words tell me there's 'someone concerned' about me. Similarly, to show my concerns towards that person i too use these words. Of course within my close friends/ relatives circle, i don't use them and i can take liberty to suggest a remedy. If there is a broken heart, i can tell him/her - look for more greener tomorrow/ he/she was not a good match for you etc etc. personlally, i never expect anyone to say sorry to me or thank me and i never thought of that as well. All i feel is if I have to handle an issue other's suggestions are welcome but not the decisions. Professionally, yes you need to use them as a gesture and nothing beyond. I am not sure if it is good or bad on social sites. Anyways, SORRY - if i made you more confused.
3 people like this
@thesids (22358)
• Bhubaneswar, India
13 Jun 12
Hi viju How about a wrong number - calls you up and says sorry! I love remedies. Words like simple sorry dont work good for me. I find myself kind of uncomfortable. Maybe because of the widespread use of this word or my abuse of this word, it seems to have lost its original meaning... And please dont be sorry for attempting to make me more confused... Confusions and me always go together... we are a kind of a platonic bond between us, I guess
1 person likes this
@viju0410 (2286)
• India
16 Jun 12
Hi Sids, Y/day i got a wrong number in the office phone and that was from a very senior HOD. When i told him it is good to talk to him at least on wrong number as we haven't seen/ met for sometime now, he started laughing and he thanked me for the chitchats.. ok, so from now on, if i say sorry to you, you can sue me with coffee/chocos...
@jaiho2009 (39001)
• Philippines
13 Jun 12
I understand your views on this matter. So it's like saying -why should I visit you when you're at the hospital and sick, my presence won't make you well - but medicine will do. Or- why should I come and console you when you have problem- that won't neither help or give a solution. I know it's hard to determine the sincerity of the word "sorry"- -whether we accept it or not "sorry" if said sincerely can melt even the toughest criminal.
1 person likes this
@thesids (22358)
• Bhubaneswar, India
13 Jun 12
Hi di No. Visiting me at the hospital when I am ill and admitted, will make me happy if you are a person who matters. And in that case (your being close to me) I can also understand that you might be occupied with something else and so you cannot come to me and hence you are feeling sorry about that. But from a complete stranger, I doubt, whether her/his presence in the hospital would make any difference. So if the presence might not help, how does his / her being sorry help?
2 people like this
@jaiho2009 (39001)
• Philippines
13 Jun 12
Saying "sorry" is same with basic instinct. Like how we help strangers on the road or how we help old people on the bus
1 person likes this
• Canada
13 Jun 12
WOW..."jaiho2009"....I sure wished that I had written this comment which echoes my thoughts...but worded better and saying more than I could have strung together!
1 person likes this
@hora_fugit (5435)
• India
13 Jun 12
I want to be on page-1. I want to be on page-1. Oh god!
1 person likes this
• India
13 Jun 12
SORRY I wanted so much to be on this page that I skipped previewing my post and submitted anyway. Result: I got the response page again. Because I made a long-forgotten mistake of shooting arrows. That's what happens when you don't write much here. Now that was my clarification... let's come to the original topic then. Apparently, I've to rephrase my lost post. Here is what I remember of it: "Hopefully you won't mind my not providing a valuable input here. I just wanted to respond... Personally, if I'm at the receiving end I don't care much when people 'forget' to express their sympathy. Even if they are close... As well, it's not easy for me to say sorry or thank you so often. But that's something I think worth changing. Your prime concern are the strangers. Seems valid. I am not going to share my grief or whatever with strangers. If I do, they may feel obliged to show some concern, no? I will think more about the scenario below while this post gets submitted ('cause I was in a hurry): [i][I'm sitting looking miserable. Some 'stranger' approaches.] Stranger: Why so sad? Me: I'm feeling so terrible. so-and-so passed away. We were so close.... Stranger: Okay. [Stranger walks away.] [/i] "
2 people like this
@kalav56 (11502)
• India
13 Jun 12
Or " Don't worry. I am sure everyone would have both sides a postive and negative. Think only of the negative aspects and cheer up. Good riddance of bad rubbish!" Well written hora fugit! My response was also in similar lines and after posting it I read yours. So, here is my comment in appreciation of your input.
2 people like this
• India
13 Jun 12
Well, thanks I'm still trying to gain some skill to put my thoughts coherently. For me this one was a failed case.... Yours is more concise, and relates better to my situation... the 'being at loss'. I just feel awkward when something like that happens. And by the time I say something similar to 'I am sorry' it's too late, people feel offended. Still, not their fault.
1 person likes this
• United States
13 Jun 12
I can see this issue from both sides. There have been times when people have told me they were sorry, and it just made me angry, because I knew that they didn't really mean the words, so why bother saying them? In those instances, I think that the words are more of an insult than a comfort and only add more pain to what you are already feeling. On the other hand, there have been times when people that I didn't know very well said "I am sorry", and from the way that they said the words I knew that they really meant them. In that case, it did make me feel better not because they could do anything that would bring back my loved one or really ease my pain and suffering but just because I knew that I was not the only one that had ever felt this way, and somehow sharing pain does seem to make things a little better if only for a short while.
1 person likes this
• Canada
13 Jun 12
For some odd reason...I seem to be suffering from brain inertia! And my clarity in my discussions seem to lose impact! I would sooner, that person that said; "I am sorry," and it didn't seem too sincere.....actually said the words; "I am sorry" rather than things like "ain't that too bad," or "too bad"......at least when they even utter the words, "I am sorry"...I know a smidgen of empathy crossed their mind, be it true or not! "I am sorry" transcends to many areas, and reduces volatility...and, in self-defence leaves me a door "ajar" if amends are needed! Still not making any sense....am I? Lots of thots, of our fun diatribe, last fall..of grapes, as yesterday I harvested a bunch of grape leaves, and brined them for "dolmades"...
1 person likes this
• United States
13 Jun 12
In general, I think that "I am sorry" is definitely better than "that's too bad" or something like that. However, when the "I am sorry" is directly followed by "you need to do this for me" without any regard for your feelings or the fact that it might not be an appropriate time to request something, then I do not see any sense in even bothering to utter the words "I am sorry" as they mean absolutely nothing and are no better than "that's too bad but". Ah yes, I do remember those fun times, and I am looking forward to having more of them. I did not know what "dolmades" were, so I looked them up, and they sound delicious!
1 person likes this
• Canada
13 Jun 12
AH..yes! But to my limited vocabulary...I like all those little 3 word sentences..I am sorry, I love you, I respect you...etc., and no more is needed. Disclaimers destroy! Ha..ha! Love them, just me...if there is something growing out there, I will think of a way to eat it...........OR drink it!
• India
13 Jun 12
Sid beta 'Sorry', 'thank you' etc are formal words for many ; a way of life, i don't think they come out from the core of heart of the person who says this unless he is close to you; similarly telling; 'i will pray for you', 'my prayers are with you' has no bearing.. Thanks for this nice discussion
1 person likes this
@kalav56 (11502)
• India
13 Jun 12
When I say 'my prayers are with you " I definitely think for a moment and wish with all my heart for the well being of the person and then write that Professor.I do not like meaningless talk either and when I do not hesitate for a moment I skip writing that.
2 people like this
• India
13 Jun 12
Sister I know, all are not equal
1 person likes this
@thesids (22358)
• Bhubaneswar, India
13 Jun 12
Namaskar sir Today, it is more of a social etiquette I believe. But I know there are some genuine people who say and mean these words from their hearts and they keep hopes alive.
1 person likes this
@viji_v2 (727)
• India
13 Jun 12
Hi Sid , I am like you. I wont say 'I am so sorry for' so and so. I feel it is little bit like official, just like a machine keep on telling those words for humans to calm them. I wont use that. I just want to be natural and want them to give a little relief which I could do. I used to say these words 'Don't worry', 'The situation will change', and more it is 'Take care'. At least by reading they get some relief. Or I better try to give solution for them. If no other way I could help, stay away is my principle. Take care.
1 person likes this
@thesids (22358)
• Bhubaneswar, India
13 Jun 12
Hi viji I agree with you. Today, many have taken this "sorry" word for granted and itis more like a habit with them. This too frequent usage has deprived the value this phrase originally had. Imagine a complete stranger saying I am sorry that your gf/bf deserted you and I fail to understand what this implies Does that mean Ah okay, so you are now available, let me try my luck Giving a solution can be a much useful help and it might also start a good friendship instead of a mere sorry
1 person likes this
@viji_v2 (727)
• India
13 Jun 12
Oh wow! I am first to respond. I just saw it now. . Sorry is now like a common word in speech.
1 person likes this
@visavis (5945)
• Philippines
13 Jun 12
From me your both right and have a good points pertaining the two sides which taking advantage to each other... Yeah other people "sorry" become an expression in the way it could be.. then others just heard it and not put in the heart. So I think it is depends tothe person on what situation he/she can say sorry... or pardon me..
• United States
13 Jun 12
Hi Bhai The people who are coming to you about your aunt are not her friends but Yours. They don't have to know her to feel for her because she is part of your family. My heart broke when you told me. That is why I said And meant it when I said I'm so sorry. Ands believe me if I had the money And the time off, I would have gotten on the next plane to be there for you! I haven't met your aunt either. " I'm so sorry for your loss. " Is a phrase just like I love you. The words can be empty or they can mean the world. All your friends Mean what they say. False friends can say the same words but there is no concern behind it. You have a right to feel the way you do. All I can hope is that you know I mean Every word I say to you.
1 person likes this
@thesids (22358)
• Bhubaneswar, India
13 Jun 12
Hi behen it has nothing to do with anyone on mylot. I told you who this person was and what made me feel more upset. This guy made little sense to me when he said sorry. I think he was pitying himself when I told him I wasnt available due to the reasons of my Aunts health. False Friends maybe the right word, I am unsure. But then, I didnt see any reason or need for him to be sorry.
2 people like this
• United States
14 Jun 12
Fake friends is the best way to describe people like this. Don't let him get you down.
@visavis (5945)
• Philippines
13 Jun 12
Actually say sorry is a medicine for everybody to soften, lower, cure the pain and guilt done by others. Only the problem is how can you determine the sincerity of the doer who said SORRY. Actually very seldom I'm using the word sorry in the situation that I admitted I was wrong in what I'm done. automatically spoken and coming out from my mouth - for sure it is sincere and guilty I'm for the inconvenient done.
1 person likes this
@thesids (22358)
• Bhubaneswar, India
13 Jun 12
Hi visavis Well, you have a good question here - the problem is how can you determine the sincerity - True when we read words on text - the feelings dont get communicated the right way many a times. But then if you look at MyLot as an example - I know you and you know me and we have been good friends. So almost all times we would assume that the feelings are sincere. In my case, it was a telephonic conversation and on a voice communication, it becomes easier to gauge and judge the sincerity by the tone in which the words were said or even the discussion that followed. If I am wrong, I always admit it and try my best never to re-do that mistake. Because otherwise, it would sound like I am getting used to saying sorry without feeling any genuineness
1 person likes this
@toniganzon (53346)
• Philippines
13 Jun 12
Hello Sid, I do understand where you're coming from. I usually don't say words that i don't really mean in real life. In fact I sounded rude sometimes though most of the times I really try to be polite. I say those words to sympathize with the people because I do feel sad for them and I'm sorry that I couldn't do more than just sympathize and be a shoulder to cry on just in case or someone who could just lend my ear to listen to whatever they have to tell me. Most of the cases if you're really that close to me, I try to make you laugh instead of making you feel sadder.
1 person likes this
@thesids (22358)
• Bhubaneswar, India
13 Jun 12
hi dear toni We have been sharing discussions between us for a while now and I assume that we are close enough. If you or I said sorry to each other on some context, I am sure we would understand the sincerity in those words are for real. Making someone smile or even an attempt to do this in such situations doesnt go well with many (as I have seen it happen) but then, when we are close, I am sure we do understand and understanding does make all the difference
1 person likes this
• Philippines
13 Jun 12
Saying sorry is to me one way to let the suffering person feel that someone cares and that not uttering the words make a person seen as apathetic. It's just annoying sometimes when it happens a lot of times that the word itself keep repeating inside your head and unlike ears, you can't cover your mind to stay away from the voices. I have known schizophrenics who were tortured by words like STOP and NO to no end when nobody even was opening their mouth to tell the words. It is a very common word and that makes it hard.
1 person likes this
@thesids (22358)
• Bhubaneswar, India
13 Jun 12
Hi cowboy I do agree with you "one way to let the suffering person feel that someone cares.." Yes, it does mean care when genuinely said. And what when you know that you are saying it for the sake of it nothing beyond! And worst, you even realize that you said it without any meaning in the real sense of the word... At that time, I guess it hurts and speaks that you are pitying the one you say sorry to. This is how I felt that day.
1 person likes this
@iuliuxd (4453)
• Romania
13 Jun 12
"I am sorry for that" and "i know how you feel" are the things i never want to hear.The others are "i will pray for you" and "i am here for you ". The only person who was "here for me " was the one who never told me that and who never prayed for me.Unfortunately no one charges us for every word we use so we can say a lot of things even if we don`t really care.I say the government should ask us to pay 1 dollar for "i am sorry for that", 5 dollars for "i know how you feel " and 10 dollars for "i`ll pray for you ".Then let`s see how much we like to share our empathy.
@thesids (22358)
• Bhubaneswar, India
13 Jun 12
Hi iuliuxd Loved reading and re-reading this one response. The only person who was "here for me " was the one who never told me that - Exactly - the way the parents do, They are always around and never say these words - their actions do speak volumes of their love and care. I am fine with the rates you suggest and I am sure, it will definitely help us get back to what the phrase was originally designed for
1 person likes this
@jazel_juan (15767)
• Philippines
13 Jun 12
I think it is fine if you are not up for saying that thesids, i guess it has been the norm to say such things.. and i am guilty of doing that, it has been an instant reaction or words that comes out..but i do mean it sincerely so i still say it.
1 person likes this
@thesids (22358)
• Bhubaneswar, India
13 Jun 12
Hi jazel Ah, dont be guilty. I wasnt pointing to anyone around. So please dont take it as a pointer to anything. I am just trying to ascertain why people say this and when I dont am I committing a mistake or as someone said at the hospital - a SIN I believe as long as you sincerely feel sorry, there is no harm or bad in saying it. I too do that - as I mentioned - I say only on rare occasions where I do feel sorry from within.
1 person likes this
@debrakcarey (19924)
• United States
14 Jun 12
I think this phrase began as a way to express empathy with another's feelings. Like any social grace, it can become just a habit and not truly felt. Kinda like 'have a nice day' said with a scowl on the face.
1 person likes this
• United States
14 Jun 12
The one thing I absolutely detest hearing is "oh I'm so sorry to hear that" upon my telling them I have multiple sclerosis. Are you? Would you slowly like to lose control of things like your bladder, fine motor control, or feel like you're losing your mind? No? Because that's how I feel different days, and I'm learning to deal with it still, even 14 years later. Are you still feeling sorry-not for me, but for YOU because you stupidly made a comment that meant nothing? Thought so, because someone felt I was strong enough to handle having this condition but you? Nope.
1 person likes this
@CTHanum (8254)
• Malaysia
14 Jun 12
For me it is fine. It shows that even if they have no relationships with us with that word at least it shows that they concern about us even if we might doubt the sincerity. I rarely use such words as I would prefer to say 'be strong', don't give up', 'I hope you can get through it' etc but it does not mean I never used the words 'I am sorry for' at all~ (^^)
1 person likes this
@ladygator (3469)
• United States
14 Jun 12
Hi theSids, Hope you are doing well this evening. If not, I am sorry. hahahahbaba Just kidding. well kinda, since that would come across as rude if you just so happen to be having a bad day. But I will just say, hope it gets better soon! I would not have thought that you are rude at all mainly because you started right off with hugs and calling us friends. So that makes you nice in my opinion.
1 person likes this
@GardenGerty (102494)
• United States
14 Jun 12
There are certain conventional phrases that many people say without thinking--I'm sorry--pardon me---thank you--excuse me. Or they can be said with meaning. It goes with what is in their heart. A client who is sorry you cannot work for him may be sorry for himself. Generally, I try to say more than "I'm sorry" It might be "I'm sorry that your aunt is ill, it must be very hard on your family to be going through this right now." I think a person who is sorry still will keep the focus away from themself and focused on you or your family.
1 person likes this
@Mashnn (4503)
13 Jun 12
I am fond of using the word sorry especially when I find out that may be something I said was abit confusing and you had difficult time understanding it. Sorry to me is just part of my conversation that I cannot avoid to use in some situation.
1 person likes this
• Bangladesh
13 Jun 12
So far as I can guess, humen started to evolve in the reverse way to being a subhuman. We have mastered the arts like saying sorry to avoid dutties. Even me is also within those crap animals. Oh!
@thesids (22358)
• Bhubaneswar, India
13 Jun 12
Hi Kashidanga Abuse of the word has made me and a few others feel the word now has not much value - though it would not have been what the inventors of this word would have thought
1 person likes this