I'm zoning out . . . suddenly remembering bad memories from the past . . .

@much2say (25742)
United States
June 13, 2012 3:50pm CST
Sorry for being such a downer in my recent discussions. "Things" just lay heavy on my mind since the latest "issue" with my parents and sister. I don't know why I'm letting it get to me when I know it shouldn't be - it just is. I am getting flashbacks of bad memories with each family member . . . things that I thought were well behind me. I know I can't change the past - no sense trying to figure things out at this point - but certainly I can see how it relates to my current issues with family. I'm sad. And I know I'm making myself be ill by thinking of these things. I find myself staring off into the space. I am normally the angry productive type, but these days I find myself being depressed. I am less productive and hate that I'm eating myself up this way. Do you ever find yourself being this way? Does one incident suddenly bring up old garbage? How do you push the reset button so you can start over with a fresh mind again?
5 people like this
12 responses
@dawnald (84072)
• Shingle Springs, California
14 Jun 12
You get yourself back into the habit of thinking happy things, and when unhappy things come up, you find some way to get them out of your head, like by smacking them silly (only inside your head), or some other such mental device that makes you feel better.
1 person likes this
@much2say (25742)
• United States
16 Jun 12
I often wish I can take the time to go skate . . . it was a dream to go skate and be in my own little world (that was my happy place, I guess!). But yah, looks like I'll need to get another "mental device". I'd rather smack them for reals!!!
1 person likes this
@dawnald (84072)
• Shingle Springs, California
16 Jun 12
When the little ones get older...
@much2say (25742)
• United States
16 Jun 12
Yep . . or at least until they want to skate too! I can take my older one, but the little one will want to go and I know they don't have his size for rentals. Maybe when things settle down, my hubby can watch the little one while my daughter and I go!! Have you gone yet??
1 person likes this
@LittleMel (14060)
• Canada
13 Jun 12
I sure have and used to be all quiet and withdraw, crying my heart out in the corner but the last few years I have learned to forgive and let go so whenever I feel down, for whatever reason, I just get busy and active these days I have gardening, I join groups I am active in, looking for income, I have studies to finish, plans for the future I have to save funds for and people to meet that can help me get there I don't stress myself out over all these activities, though. I just take my time and do whatever comes to mind, whether it's wrong or right step, I just do it. If it's wrong, it still gives me something to think of and re-do, so I'll still get busy and helps take my mind off what troubles me. I also make a point to avoid draining people and gossiping. as I don't find both helpful to take my mind off things. but I do talk to close friends, the ones that know me best just to get it off my chest. I don't live with family anymore, but when I used to live with them, being busy always had something to do, I barely saw them and it helped. Husband is mostly busy with work hence I am all alone with these projects, it's tiring, but still when sad past comes haunting, I have something to do :)
1 person likes this
@LittleMel (14060)
• Canada
13 Jun 12
have to add: I'm not here often, so if I missed your discussions sorry about it I don't mean to just be gentle with yourself when these heavy feelings come sometimes we batter ourselves over and over again for something that we can't do anything about. all we can do if we make mistakes is just fix it and move on. if we can't fix it, just apologize and move on. if other people wrong you and nobody wants to come clean about it, remember what comes around goes around and nobody is an exception to this universal law. vent here, you're anonymous anyway. or vent to someone you trust and know you well. I hope you're feeling better soon.
1 person likes this
• Canada
14 Jun 12
"muchkin"...this is probably some of the kindest, wisest gentle counselling, I have read here in a very long time! And make some very,very valid suggestions!
1 person likes this
@much2say (25742)
• United States
15 Jun 12
LittleMel . . . Yep, I've beaten myself over this - and I realized I don't need to be doing this. "Just be gentle with yourself" . . . yep, you're right - and I'm trying think of that, as hard as that is for me. I can't do anything to change what's already done, so I am using this as a lesson - and will be using caution from now on. Distance does help . . . I'm actually just a few miles from my parents - but my sister is at least a 45 minute drive away. Time is helping too - I'm less "zoned out" now - but it still lingers. I've done a lot to unpack here as we've moved . . . I worked on the kitchen cupboards yesterday - so that helped a lot. Keeping busy is helping . . . but makes me not want to take breaks or else I'll start zoning out again. Oh yes, and being here to vent anonymously helps TREMENDOUSLY. Thank you so much for your words and yah, I'm feeling a bit better.
1 person likes this
@Lore2009 (7389)
• United States
14 Jun 12
Sure, these things happen for me too. When bad emotions are triggered, I tend to remember a lot of the resentment that I haven't been able to clear from the past. What I do, is usually discuss it with someone I'm comfortable with. If no one can be reached, I'll write it down and write what is really bothering me, everything. I would also acknowledge that I'm trying to figure things out in my life right now even if it's a painful feeling. then I'd try to distract myself like think about what I really love to do or what I really love... if it's even just the simplest things. The quote that really has helped me is that "to find the opportunity in the challenge." when things get really rough, i tell myself that this is the beginning not the end. It is the start for me to find solutions to the problems at hand. it is easier said and done, so take your time... things are always changing. good luck.
@much2say (25742)
• United States
6 Jul 12
It felt good for me to tell a couple close friends about it - and of course hubby already knew - and that did feel good. From their perspective, they think things were blown out of proportion by my sister too . . . so I am comforted by the fact that I'm not going out of my mind . . . that at least others felt what she did was crossing the line too. It's good when you can find a distraction . . . that's what I tried to do after I felt sad for a while. Then things just felt better in time.
@marie2052 (3697)
• United States
14 Jun 12
I think most people have baggage so to speak that pops up in our minds every once in awhile. Everyone that has known me or met me has always said I am a very strong person for what I have went thru. The biggest thing is to positive of yourself. When you start feeling or thinking of bad times in the past, get out go for a walk. Or go to the mall and just window shop. Maybe a movie would take your mind off it. The biggest thing for us is to change what we think about inside ourselves. Do something positive. I knit and cross stitch. I have to think to much on my crafts to think about something else as I am putting my mind and hands on what I am working on. Just know you are loved for the person you are and can come to be. Dig deep and find that inner self that is stronger than you think. Much love to you.
@much2say (25742)
• United States
6 Jul 12
This has taken me a long time to respond to . . . as I had to take a break from the topic. I have kept busy like you said, and that has helped tremendously. Either do something positive, or let the blues get to you (and unfortunately I did let the blues get to me for a while there). Thanks, marie2052 . . . I hope I am stronger that I think.
• United States
14 Jun 12
Past memories always comes back to haunt us. I also find myself thinking about family a lot and how I have mistreated some of my family in the past. Unfortunately, there is no reset button but there is something we can do. We can make the future happier. We can't change the past but the past is useful because it was a lesson. Now we are set to make good memories with our families because we already know what doesn't work. It'll get better.
@much2say (25742)
• United States
6 Jul 12
That is true. The thing is I don't feel that I have mistreated my family . . . but another family member has the opinion that I did. The problem is they pointed their finger at me in a nasty way and my side of the story was never brought out. I would like to make the future happier, but it's as if the thorn already sticks there - and it's proving rather difficult. But . . . hopefully better memories will come again to wipe this feeling out. I wish you the best too!
• Philippines
14 Jun 12
hi much2say. Family conflict is normal and i believe is it an integral part of the relationship. Every normal family has conflicts but at the end of the day, you must always remember how important your family is to you. Family can and will always accept you for who you are. I know that there are conflicts that leave a deep scar in the hearts of the people involved but the key there is not just to learn to forgive the persons who hurt you but most especially to learn how to forgive yourself for whatever it is that you have said or done to them. As you've said it is already in the past and still haunting you to this day probably because you haven't forgiven yourself. You should know that you are just a human being who commits mistake. You might have done or said something bad to your family but you already realized that mistake and learned the hard lesson that goes with that experience. Also, you should recognize that because of that experience, you are now a better person and a better family member. Never lose the lessons in every experience, good or bad.
@much2say (25742)
• United States
6 Jul 12
I can agree that family conflict is normal. But when it's out of the norm, it gets me upset even more to the point I can't even thing because it's so our of the norm. Family might accept me for who I am, but sometimes I don't even know about that. The things is in my situation this time, I don't see what I did wrong - so it's hard to forgive myself when I don't see that I was in the wrong, at least in this situation. I can accept that every human can make a mistake, but here, no one has made any sort of apology - especially the one who stirred the pot. I've definitely learned a lot of life lessons this time around. The negative part is I don't feel I can trust my family as much. The positive part is I now focus on my husband and kids.
@babyEj (1525)
• Philippines
13 Jun 12
When someone comes from a family oriented group , we tend to feel, think and live with them. Thus, we are easily affected with somebody from the group. So, I must say it's normal but take things in positive perspective so you can get back.
@much2say (25742)
• United States
15 Jun 12
It may be normal, but I just hate the feeling. By now I'm feeling a bit better, but still, I can't help but to feel what I do. Hopefully things will feel more positive as the days pass . . . I hope to come back to "normal" soon!!
@WakeUpKitty (8717)
• Netherlands
13 Jun 12
You are not making yourself ill by thinking these things. You will get ill if you deny it, ignore it, pretend it never happened, if you say you forgive while you can't. So accept what happened, what is said and see it as a part of you. It will always be with you and you can not change it. It was not in your hands. What is in your hands is how you handle it, how you deal with it, the present and the future. Accept you feel sad now, you might feel sad in the future as well at some times. This is you. Tell yourself you are a survivor a strong person. It's fine to be sad some times and you will get out of that situation again since you always did. I wish you strenght!
1 person likes this
@much2say (25742)
• United States
15 Jun 12
WakeUpKitty . . . Well said. I'm the kind that doesn't forget (that's why I can't shake it off). I tend to forgive family more than anyone else - but I won't forget. You're right that this will always be apart of me (unfortunately) - I can accept that - but I don't like it - or at least I don't like this feeling. This is the tough part, but I know in time the feeling will leave (it seems to be going away - surely but slowly). I hope I can regain total strength soon!!!!
• China
16 Jul 12
Here we have a saying "Even an upright official finds it hard to settle a family quarrel."For something annoying you from family member,the more you think of it,the more angry you are.This way you may get yourself into a blind alley and it won't do your health any good.The best way to solve it is to take your mind off it. You step back a pace,before your eyes will be the boundless sea and sky.
@much2say (25742)
• United States
16 Jul 12
Hiya changjiangzhibin89! You always know the best sayings! I have often told my husband that I'd rather have financial problems than family problems . . . and throughout the years he slowly began to understand this (even with his own family!). It's difficult to take it off the mind completely (sometimes these thoughts do come back) - but definitely it's a big relief to be distracted with other things.
• China
17 Jul 12
Maybe that will heal with time.Sorry, your happiness of moving house was partly offset by it.However I believe that you will disregard old grievances some day.
• China
17 Jul 12
It seems that I ought to correct "was partly offset by it" to " was partly canceled by it",sorry!
@pergammano (7756)
• Canada
14 Jun 12
Am so very, very sorry "muchkin" that the weight of the world is landing on your shoulders! I can only clear those cobwebs, by doing something agressive...ravaging the garden and destroying the weeds, re-finishing a piece of furniture..digging the "backhouse" hole..something that is physical & challenging! It's so easy to say, do not dwell, but it is your life, and you have to come to terms with your past, in order to move forward---but, after all that is said and done, I think it helps to count your blessings and the solace you find in your immediate family, as I feel they really need more attention than your past, as they are your future! I love the kind advice that "littleMel" has offered!
@much2say (25742)
• United States
16 Jun 12
Ah, pergammano . . . Yep, something physical and challenging sure helps! I used to skate away . . . skate and be in my own little world! But now I have to change focus and work more on our little family and our little house!! You're right that they are our future . . . so time for me to stop with all this and get on with life. Easier said than done, but at least to make an extra effort!!! I agree LittleMel's advice was indeed kind - as is yours!!
1 person likes this
• Canada
16 Jun 12
I truly hope, dear one, you can take this "bull by the horns" and gently close this chapter, at some point in time soon..so it does not become all-consuming! The Beattles song; "Let it Be," keeps ringing thru my head as I think of this discussion..and the pain that this is causing you! I know, you will rally....and the bumps in the road, are just slowing you down!
@much2say (25742)
• United States
16 Jun 12
As the days pass, it is getting somewhat "easier". Not all-consuming as in previous days (I think I've done enough dumping on myLot with my thoughts about it all). I'll have to "let it be" . . . and I'll have to "let it go". Thank you for your guidance each step of the way, pergammano!!
@bounce58 (17555)
• Canada
21 Jul 12
I'm a bit pessimistic, and a lot of things stir up bad memories in me. I've known that about myself for a long time. So, to remedy this, I've always kept myself busy. At home and at work. I prefer that my mind is running a million miles a minute. This way, I don't have to stay still and remember unpleasant things. It gets tiring sometimes, but it's my way of coping.
@much2say (25742)
• United States
22 Jul 12
Heya bounce! I know whatcha mean. At this point, I'm not zoning out anymore over the particular issue of that moment . . . but remnant thoughts and emotions come back every now and then. I try to stay busy as much as I can during those times when I do zone out - but my mind can't completely forget no matter what. Maybe with staying busy, I'm not staying busy enough? Wish I could just scoop stuff out of my brain at will!
@KrauseHome (28390)
• United States
16 Jun 12
Well, considering I suffer from PTSD due to severe abuse and trauma in my life, I can relate with the Flashbacks, and the hard part has been learning to work and move thru them to where I have been able to be who I am today. I think especially with the Economy the way it is, etc. it is hard at times to not get depressed and want to give up. The best thing though is to learn to work thru them. And if you find a RESET button it would not work as God does not allow us to do start overs, even though it would be nice.
@much2say (25742)
• United States
28 Jun 12
I applaud you for getting where you are today!! Severe abuse and trauma - I can imagine the flashbacks . . . my issues are so nothing compared to that. But learning to work through them really is the best way . . . I just have to convince myself of that at times. Yep, no start overs for anyone - not in the way that things can be erased anyway!!