I think my good luck has ran out.....or has it???

United States
June 23, 2012 12:11pm CST
Last nightmy husband decides that he wants to hang out with an old friend. this would be thie 2nd time. the problem that i have with this is that she wants to hang out at 11:00-12:00 at night. yes her mom is there but still he is a married man and she is only dating someone. she use to be a very close friend kind of like a sister to him when they were in school. they talk a lot online and she has even talked to me in person before. i let it go the 1st time. she is moving so and they wanted to spend a little time with each other before she left but she decided to stay another week so they hung out last night to. i do not know what time he actually got in but i have a HUGE problem now when i got up and was waking him up he had some toothpaste on him neck i could smell the mintyness to it. well once he got up i made him let me see and i scrubbed it away. YES he had a HICKIE from another girl. well after i noticed it the 1st words out of his mouth was that yes she kissed him and that is why he left last night. he said it doesnt take much to give him one. i said she had to kissed it a long time before you pushed her away and that is when he told me that he did and that it wasnt that long. MY thing is WHY did he wait to tell me what happened. when i asked him this his reply was that he didnt know how to tell me. we talked about how he wanted to leave a while back and now this happens. well his words to me were i am still here arent i? he said that he was happy again and that everything was better and that he wasnt leaving. i know guys people will say anything to get them selves out of things so which do i believe??? i just noticed that there are 2 marks there instead of just the 1 but he said it happened all at once they were realy messed up (they smoked somthing) and that he left after that. he is deleting her from facebook and i think blocking her. he hasnt gotten on the computer at all (kind of like hes avoinding her). also he woke up in a really bad mood and he said that he was in a bad mood because that happened. i am looking for opinions. what do you all think? i havent decided what i want to do yet but he knows i am pissed and i was crying about it. i just dont want to go around not being able to trust him. he said he wasnt going there ever again and that is the only other place that he goes unless he is at work and that has only been the 2nd time he went there.
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4 responses
@jjzone44 (917)
• United States
23 Jun 12
That is indeed a tough situation to be in. A situation in your life takes years to develop so it would be really hard if not impossible to form an opinion on that situation in just minutes. Being in the situation, only you know how much it bothers you, and how much you can tolerate, and more importantly if he is receptive to your concerns. I can tell you that I have many female friends, and the extent of our physical contact is that if they need me to pick up something for them in my truck, I have to lift them up into it because it is so high off the ground. Now as far as what people think of things, let me give you an example of how far a person's mind will let them go. One year it had snowed heavily, and before that there was ice, so cars were covered in it, and you had to get it off before you could move the car. I was working with one of my friends who was pregnant at the time, and I did not want her to take a shuttle to her car and then work at cleaning it off. My truck was already devoid of ice, so I put her inside, of course I had to pick her up to do it, and we drove to her car and I cleared it for her while she stayed in the truck where it was warm. Well someone saw us getting in the truck, and they assumed that the pregnant girl and I were married, and that story got around the campus as well. I know this because someone asked me what exact type and size of lift I had because he wanted to put it on his truck. His wife had told him that she saw me and my wife getting in the truck one snowy evening, and that is how she pointed me out. There is nothing wrong with soliciting opinions but remember, yours is the only one that counts.
• United States
23 Jun 12
i know that in the end it is only me that can make the choice and in the end it is only my opinion that counts i am jsut so in over my head that it was nice to get it off my chest. and i thought maybe some good advice would come my way in the process :) that is really unfortunate that they did that to by spreading it across campus when all you wanted to do was be nice. he wasnt really respective of my concerns when i told him i didnt want him to go but now he seems to be. i cant tolerate much more of this woundering what he is doing or if i can trust him. i thought i could trust him and right now he had jeopordized that a lot. he seems upset that i cant trust him right now. i know i should believe what he says and this is the 1st time he has ever done anything like this but it is so hard to trust someone when you can see the hickie left by another woman....
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@jjzone44 (917)
• United States
23 Jun 12
Well that does sound like a problem or at least the beginning of one. People who are in loving relationships with another should not get mad or upset when you have a valid reason to be questioning their trust. If something bothers you, the importance of that action should be considered and discussed. And there is really no excuse for getting a "hickey" from anyone, you can always walk away. And if you know that a person has a propensity to do something that your mate does not like, then avoid situations where that person can act. I used to be in a relationship about 20 years ago where I began to not trust this girl when she was around a certain person. At the time I thought it was all in my head; I was making something out of nothing. We never got past it though and our relationship terminated. But was I really wrong, because now she is set to marry the person I had concerns about. Yes it's 20 years later, but they are getting married, so maybe it was not so much in my head that I thought it was?
1 person likes this
• United States
23 Jun 12
i just think that he is upset with him self and he is taking it out onme when i want to talk about it and see why. i have so many questions about this that just dont add up. i am hoping to talk to him tonight when the kids are asleep and not trying to be in the middle of our discussion. at this point i dont know what to think.... i feel like he could have walked away before there was time to leave a mark. i didnt know she was like that and i dont think he did either. she was like a sister to him. i also had a similar situation when i was in school where the man i was engaged to i thought was cheating on me with someone he was staying with and they did end up married for a short while. maybe this isnt just in my head and there really is more to this story that i should be worried about.
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@kkaria309 (297)
• United States
23 Jun 12
I have no right to say anything in this, nor am I an expert. But I can tell you this, if I was you, I would confront him about it, warn him that I will not tolerate it, and if he really is making an effort to stay away from that other girl now, I would see for a while and then give him one chance, maybe. That is a big maybe. In my book, kissing someone, or letting someone kiss you until a hickie forms, is cheating. I am sorry to say this, but that is how I feel.
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• United States
23 Jun 12
i am considering the chance it just isnt fair to me. by giving him another chance i am going to be woundering what he is doing. i had all the trust for him in the world until this happened now i am not sure if i can trust him. this isnt fair to me at all. it might have been a diffrent story had he told me straight up and not tried to hide it. i agree she was close enough to leave the marks and to leave 2 marks like this she had to have been closer to him longer than he is telling me.
1 person likes this
• United States
23 Jun 12
I think that I would not trust that man again, if it was me in your place. I respect myself too much for that.
1 person likes this
• United States
23 Jun 12
i guess i have never really had all that much respect for myself but in all honetly i let my feelings get in the way sometimes. i still love him no matter what it is that he does but i am notsurei love him enough to have to always deal with this. but what if this is the only time since he never goes anywhere? then things would be back to normal. i guess i dont know what to think right now.
1 person likes this
• United States
23 Jun 12
Your story made me tear up. I've never been in this situation, but I've heard it all too often. It's hard to say what YOU should do because well, we aren't you, we don't know your husband or your relationship or anything. We can only talk from what WE would do. Let's just say, for me, I wouldn't be a happy camper. A hickey is not just a peck on the neck, no matter how sensitive your neck is. Now, saying that, I'd deem he cheated and he would be out before he could blink. And I see from other posts that you kind of want to just leave because you feel disrespected and such and I would too, but of course it sounds easier than it is. You love your husband and want to give him the benefit of the doubt. It's just that, as you said, giving him another chance will make you feel like you're constantly on guard and who wants to live like that? You need to really sit down with yourself and really decide what you feel in your heart is the best option. It'll be very difficult, but you have to think about what is best for you. Good luck. My prayers are with you.
1 person likes this
• United States
23 Jun 12
awww im sorry i dont like to make others cry specially when i have already been doing that when i am alone :( thank you for the prayers :) this is a really hard situation. me and him have talked a few times and every time is the same story. i told him that he lost all the trust i had for him right now. he understands that even if he didnt do anything and it was all her that still he waited to stop it to long. he knows he hurt me and he seems like he is very sorry but in all honesty any guy would act like this in the same situation. every time i look at him and see those i want to hurt him and her. we drove past her hosue 2 times today the 2nd time i was about to stop and he grabbed the wheel. he doesnt want me to start anything.....did she already do that by touching him??? i really do not want to live like this but at the same time its like you said i love him and i want to give him the benifit of the doubt because it is the 1st time he has ever given me a reason not to trust him. i am not sure if he cheated or she did this. he said when it happened he was in shock and it took a little while for everything to sink in and when it did he pushed her away and he left to come home. usually he is on the computer by now and he hasnt touched it yet. he is blocking her completely and never going there again but i still wounder is that enough?? will there just be someone else?? or is this really the end of all that?? it raises many questions in my head. keep up the prayers please because i need them but i will be thinking a lot the next few days and hell be out of town working for a day or 2 on monday so i will have plenty of time to think (and before it is assumed by anyone he has no liscence so the boss drives them around so this really is a business thing i even heard the conversation about it).
1 person likes this
• United States
24 Jun 12
No, it's okay. It was just your touching story that provoked the tears. I guess in a way she did start something by touching him in the first place, but putting yourself in the middle of it might just make matters worse, so I'd stay away. His story does seem plausible from my side, but then again, I don't know how your husband is and how he reacts, so that'll be up to you to decide if that is a possible scenario. See, the thing is, I CAN see that he'd be in shock and push her away, but then, why would she do it a second time? Either she's very persistent or he let her. Which one is the most possible scenario is hard to decide without knowing either of them.
• United States
26 Jun 12
yea i have decided that it isnt worth trying to start something with her. when i was younger maybe but now as an adult it is something me and my husband need to work on while leaving her out of the picture. she has done enough damage. my husband has never given me a reason not to trust him and this includes when we were in school dating off and on. i can also see him being in shock and it taking a little while to push her away i just have the same ? you mentioned. either she did it 2 times and he decided to leave after that or he let her. or i guess it truely could have happened all at once and it took him a second to push her off. i guess ill never really know for sure if he is telling the truth but i have decided to give him 1 chance to prove this is what he wants and that he had nothing to do with it. he lost all my trust but he is willing to accept that and work to gain it back. that is always a start. at 1st he couldnt understand since he had nothing to do with it why i was so mad and upset with him (he has a had time understanding things sometimes) but now he sees it clearly and understands why. if he gives me a reason not to trust him again he will be out the door and he was told this. lets just hope it NEVER comes down to that.
@TrvlArrngr (4058)
• United States
23 Jun 12
I feel bad for you. That is the one thing I never stand for. If you want out, then get out before it is cheating. I have no mercy or sympathy for cheaters. I hope you can find solace from friends and family to get you through this horrible time.
• United States
23 Jun 12
well i really dont have that many friends anymore andmy family...well most of them do not have anything to do with me. and the ones that do have to much going on in their lives right now. the only person in my family i talk to regularly is my grandma and lately everything is all about what she needs not anyone else. (she is getting older and needs a lot more now). thank you for the concern and i hope that i can make the best choice with my head and not my heart. i use to say once a cheater always a cheater but i truely havent really decided if he cheated or if she really did this to him.
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