How could I not be offended?

@JenInTN (27568)
United States
July 6, 2012 6:58am CST
Maybe I am wrong to be offended, but the more I think about it, the more it bothers me. I may be reading a little more in to this but I really can't help it. I know that my daughter's b/f is young and I try to remind myself of that but even young there are manners right? Ok..so I am at the hospital after the baby is born and am fixing to go home for a little while. The b/f walks me out. Now I have bought alot of stuff for the baby which might be why his curiosity is peaked BUT he asks me..so how much money do you make? I was shocked by the question and said..enough to pay my bills. He says..so $50,000 a year? I was getting irritated because I am a pretty private person that loves my daughter and is really trying to like this guy. I just looked at him and he says..you know..Kimber(my daughter) really would like to have a Dodge Charger. I said yes..so would I and walked off and left before saying something I might regret. So..am I being too sensitive?? Was he out if line or what? Feel free to let me know if I am! I really want to know everyone's opinion.
20 people like this
71 responses
@Shellyann36 (7097)
• United States
6 Jul 12
Yikes he is really very nosy and sounds as if he is pushy as well. God forbid, but he sounds like one of the SIL types that would push the MIL down the stairs to get to her fortune.... (Sorry that thought just ran through my head as soon as I read your post). I would be very careful around this young man. I think you handled the situation very well but I would be on the fast track finding out all I can about him and his family. My 21 year old has a gf and they are living together. Her Mama works in the medical field and really has done lots for them financially (buys them groceries, got her daughter a car, helped get utilities in their new apartment, bought them lots of things for their apartment, turned on the internet/tv/phone at the apartment for them and is paying the first three months). Well the young lady is constantly calling me complaining about my son's spending habits and about what all her mom has done and what all she continues to do.... I know she is wanting me to contribute something to the pot here, but I cannot. I don't work and we have a hard time making it ourselves. If they lived closer I could see helping them with groceries and such but they are in Texas and I am in NC. The only thing I can do is talk to my son about his spending habits for her. Her Mama and I have become friends on Facebook and she has even edged the idea that I help them out. I let her know right away that I did not work that my hubby had just lost his job (thankfully he was only on UE for 2 weeks before getting a new job) and that I have 3 small children at home to look after. I am all for emotional support and buying them something or sending them gift cards when I earn them etc but I am not paying their bills for them. They are grown up enough to move in together then they need to buck up and live like the rest of the hardworking people do... sacrifice until you can do better. The last time my future DIL said something about her mom paying for the internet I told her "well honey I guess if you two can't afford it you are just gonna have to let it go". She started back tracking then and said well we will figure it out somehow. They sure will figure it out, they will let her Mama pay for it for as long as she will. I wish I were financially stable and that I could help them out in that nature but its not happening anytime soon. My son is talking about moving back here with her next year and I just don't see them making it together here as they are there because I am not going to be the financial support net that her Mama is. (Not to mention jobs here are way harder to find than they are there and future DIL wants to go to college instead of work, yada yada). Jen I wish you luck with your daughter and new grandbaby but do be careful of this young man.
@JenInTN (27568)
• United States
6 Jul 12
I know! You never know about people. He is a materialistic person. He was an only child and his parents seem like decent people but that doesn't often matter when they reach a certain age. As far as paying for everything...noway. They move out on their own, I can see a little help every now and again but when I was that age, I had to do without things too. I think that kids these days want everything that their parents have upon moving out...nice cars, furniture, internet/cable, cell phones when the truth is that their parents worked all their lives...at least 20 years to get all that stuff. Why do people think they just hit the road and kaboom they have it? Thanks for the response and you should not feel one bit bad. Moral support teaches morals while financial support just teaches dependency. Take care.
2 people like this
@GardenGerty (86083)
• Marion, Kansas
6 Jul 12
When you are paying the way for your young people you are actually robbing them of self esteem. It is not a good exchange. Moral support is good, however.
@JenInTN (27568)
• United States
7 Jul 12
@missybear (11396)
• United States
6 Jul 12
I would have told him exactly what you told him,and I would have told him "Why don't you buy her Dodge Charger then" Young people are nuts now a day
3 people like this
@JenInTN (27568)
• United States
6 Jul 12
I know! My own daughter don't know how much money I make..what makes him think I would offer that info to him? He is very materialistic I have found, but the main problem is I think he wants everything handed to him.
2 people like this
@missybear (11396)
• United States
7 Jul 12
Well...she picked him, hopefully he'll realize that he needs to step it up a bit and not to rely on you for everything
@JenInTN (27568)
• United States
7 Jul 12
She is crazy about him. I hope that he does step it up. I know she has been very worried for a while now. Of course he painted a much different picture for her before she went to him.
@salonga (27753)
• Philippines
6 Jul 12
You have all the reason to be offended. He does not seem to have good manners at all. But I commend you for you have controlled yourself from saying anything that could turn his face into red. Holding one's peace in this kind of situation is quite hard but you did. I hope this guy would know how to behave and how to talk with respect with elders. I wonder how his parents raised this guy.
3 people like this
@JenInTN (27568)
• United States
6 Jul 12
Hi salonga! He is an only child and I think that his parents must have spoiled him rotten. Now I don't have a problem with parents that are able to give their children things, provided manners are taught as well. It seems to me that he expects more from life than what he is willing to give back. Thank you for the kind words. I wanted to say a lot more to him than I did...lol.
2 people like this
@else22 (4320)
• India
6 Jul 12
If I were you,I would have felt offended.You too have solid reasons to feel so.Evidently the guy does not have manners.But the good thing in all that you have stated here is that you managed to maintain your calm.It would perhaps be very difficult for me to remain quiet or keep my cool.The guy deserved a befitting reply.
2 people like this
@JenInTN (27568)
• United States
6 Jul 12
It has been my experience that if I lose my cool then I lose control over the situation. I have to have at least that over myself. I wanted to say many things...lol. I know you could have done it too. I didn't think of it at the time but perhaps my reaction taught him that his company would not be wanted with such questions....or not. If he over steps again, I may have to sit him down and tell him where I stand on whatever he says. I want to like him for my daughter but he hasn't made it very easy so far. Thanks for the response.
1 person likes this
@else22 (4320)
• India
6 Jul 12
You are absolutely right,JenIn.Losing calm amounts to losing control over the situation.But keeping calm and quiet leaves us rather dissatisfied.I have been in such situations many times and every time I ended up losing my cool.You really have commendable control over your temper.Thanks for the comment.
1 person likes this
@JenInTN (27568)
• United States
7 Jul 12
It can leave you with things that you feel you should have said sometimes..I agree. Unfortunately, if he keeps going at this rate, he may give me more opportunities than I want to let him know what I think.
@1hopefulman (16299)
• Canada
6 Jul 12
Wow, is he normal?
2 people like this
@JenInTN (27568)
• United States
6 Jul 12
I have some work to do on this one hopefulman.
@1hopefulman (16299)
• Canada
6 Jul 12
It seems that there is a work in progress there and if anybody can get it done, it is you. All the best my friend!
@JenInTN (27568)
• United States
6 Jul 12
He will be the rose bush or the cactus.
• United States
6 Jul 12
I don't really get that whole exchange, but clearly this guy is still a boy. God my daughter is never dating.
2 people like this
@JenInTN (27568)
• United States
6 Jul 12
That's what I said too. He must have been thinking about it because he was walking me out of the hospital when it he asked me. I was a little caught off guard by the question too. Thanks for the response !
1 person likes this
• United States
6 Jul 12
So you are telling me I won't have any choice in the matter. God that sucks. Does this guy even have a job, or is he going by the Kevin Federline school of fatherhood.
1 person likes this
@JenInTN (27568)
• United States
6 Jul 12
He is bouncer. He is going from one to another with every excuse in the world why this one or that one didn't work out. Maybe that is why it bothers me so much too. I know that we would all love to be doing something we like but we have to make money in the process of knowing what that is right? It's not that you don't have many choices..it's just that we can't choose who they fall in love with when they are older.
1 person likes this
@mentalward (14716)
• United States
6 Jul 12
You are not wrong, nope! Your daughter's boyfriend must have the biggest set of ballz on any man I know! How DARE he intimate that you should buy your daughter a Dodge Charger! Good lord!!! If she wants that particular car, HE should buy it for her. I think your response was right on target. You said enough to let him know that you wouldn't be guilted into buying your daughter something you wouldn't buy for yourself even if you could afford it without punching him square in the nose which is something I'd have definitely thought of doing. The unbelievable nerve of him!!! From what you've said, it seems quite obvious that he wanted you to buy your daughter this car, most likely because HE wanted it. Just how much has he bought for his new daughter? How much money does HE make? Nope, you didn't overreact. You weren't too sensitive. He was being totally insensitive. Good grief.
2 people like this
@JenInTN (27568)
• United States
6 Jul 12
I am hope he grows in to those massive things mentalward. I am hoping it was the birth of his daughter that deluded him for a moment and that he has come back to reality. I wouldn't let that sweetie patootie do without if there was any way that I could help it but I am thinking she will be ok if her parents don't have a Dodge Charger. My kids did just fine without one. Thanks for the support!
1 person likes this
@GardenGerty (86083)
• Marion, Kansas
7 Jul 12
In revisiting this discussion, I am struck by something that is very anachronistic on our part. At least many of us. We have said HE should buy her the car she wants, but really, she should get some skills and buy the car she wants or whatever it is she needs and not have to rely on some wanker.
@JenInTN (27568)
• United States
7 Jul 12
That is a good point. I wanted so much for her to wait and get that nursing degree before moving out with him. She wanted a "family." Of course he had painted her a great picture but that is not uncommon and she should have seen that. I have warned her all her life. She has been talking about going back and working toward that degree. I hope she does. Not to take care of him but to not be reliant on someone else.
@neerruu (134)
• India
7 Jul 12
he is just leaving in dreams.i am sure he will definitely realize his mistake and would also feel guilty and disgusted by himself.the moment he'll passout from school and get into college or a job, he will realize how childish he was back then. everyone goes through this phase. you did the right thing jenIn TN
2 people like this
@JenInTN (27568)
• United States
8 Jul 12
Thank you neerruu. We all do certainly make mistakes. I hope that everything that I am that he will mature into a good man for my daughter and a father for their child. I would never think twice about that day if only he would.
• United States
7 Jul 12
It's a pity she picked such a one. He definitely sounds as though he's all set to dig for any gold he can detect. It's nice that you can help your daughter with stuff, but I'd say definitely tighten the purse strings until this guy is either out of the picture or a changed man. My money is on the former happening.
2 people like this
@JenInTN (27568)
• United States
8 Jul 12
I have to be honest when I say that if it is not for the better of the baby, my purse strings are tightened. I will give all that I have for those that I love, but I will not be taken advantage of. Thanks for responding!
7 Jul 12
It really depends on how you were raised. In this economy, it's not an uncommon question for someone to inquire about your income, especially if they see you doing something that may not be in the norm for the average income. Some may ask so they can get a better idea of what kind of career they'd like to follow, others do it for curiosity, and others are just doing it for conversation. Myself, personally, would never be offended by the question.
2 people like this
@JenInTN (27568)
• United States
8 Jul 12
Hmmm...thanks for the different view. I think that the economy has changed many things and I could see how looking into alternative careers would make someone curious. I am in a pretty common line of work though. I guess it could be that he meant it very innocently.
@pumpkinjam (5486)
• United Kingdom
7 Jul 12
I can perfectly understand why you would be offended. I know people have different values about certain things. Some people just don't see money as a private thing but he was obviously fishing, tying to get you to pay for something expensive. I'd have told him that he should get a better job and save money so he could buy your daughter what she needs.
2 people like this
@JenInTN (27568)
• United States
7 Jul 12
I felt like he was fishing too. My own daughter hasn't even a clue to my earnings and I like it that way. I am not worth two cents as far as they are concerned, but if I was, I wouldn't want to be loved for that purpose anyway. Thanks for responding!
1 person likes this
@mobhomeir (7567)
• Philippines
6 Jul 12
Hello JenIn I understand your feeling. As for me, it is hard to give any idea on what you stated about how your would be son in law said to you. I guess it all depends on how was the talker deliberate his statements. It is like reading a text message or reading a letter. It sounds arguing if you read it the way it is as well as a simple calm sentence turns into a harsh one if you would add some punctuation or read it in a harsh way. In your case, I guess you were just maybe tired at that time and you just got irritated the way your would-be-son-in-law asked you. I would not say you're sensitive because anyone can be like this...just stay beautiful, don't think it too much because this could ruin your mind and your beauty..especially now that you're already a grandma... Mobhomeir here 070612 2152hrs
2 people like this
@JenInTN (27568)
• United States
6 Jul 12
I know! I will have to watch my stress levels...lol. I am too old for this worry. Thanks for the input!
@safety69 (592)
• Taiwan
6 Jul 12
Yes , he doesnt have good manners in fact , he looks intersting in your money , hahah sorry , You answered very good, dont let him pick in you privacy. Ask him to respect you for being the mother of his girlfriend. Good luck with that guy.
2 people like this
@JenInTN (27568)
• United States
6 Jul 12
I think that he was actually trying to see what I was worth wasn't he? He certainly lacks in the manners area. Thanks for responding!
@maezee (23609)
• United States
6 Jul 12
Uh yeah, that's incredibly insensitive! I would say, "Ummm, excuse me, none of your business!". That's private information, of course. Plus your daughter would be extremely spoiled if you bought her a $30,000 car (+). (Although I have to admit, I want a Charger too! Ha ha). But what that kid asked you is similar, in my opinion, to asking "How old ARE you?" or something equally disrespectful. Okay, mom-in-law, time to put your foot down and teach this kid some decent manners!!!
2 people like this
@JenInTN (27568)
• United States
6 Jul 12
Hi maezee! I wasn't telling a lie when I said I would like to have one too.. They are nice cars. I am not the type to spend that kind of money on one even if I had it though. I thought it was rude too. Thanks for responding!
1 person likes this
6 Jul 12
you should be offended
2 people like this
@JenInTN (27568)
• United States
7 Jul 12
Hi rustyxkillz! Welcome to myLot! I was quite offended. Would you have reacted the same way if you were in my place? What would you have done?
@thesids (22455)
• Bhubaneswar, India
6 Jul 12
Hi JenInTN Well, unaware of how the culture is there at your place, but I still believe that asking anyone of earnings is not only um-mannerly but also rude - unless that is for professional or legal reasons. I wont say that all people are this way today, but yes, many of the newer generation people tend to take things for granted. Maybe the b/f was considering you would get anything for the daughter and he might save some for his PS2 or xbox. Before commenting on the b/f I think it would be better to know about his background - financial and also family, and if you provide me with that, I would say, it is something too personal a matter for me to comment upon. But yes, going by what I read, the behavior was uncalled for on his part and you did the right thing - walk away silently... that is what maturity is all about.
2 people like this
@JenInTN (27568)
• United States
6 Jul 12
Hi thesids Thanks for the input. I would have been rude myself if I were to stay in that conversation..lol. I want to like him. I want to like him for my daughter and their child. I love Keely and my daughter and I want to have a good relationship with this boy too. I shall write it off as a mistake this time but if I am on here ranting in a couple of weeks...you will know why.
2 people like this
@owlwings (37465)
• Cambridge, England
6 Jul 12
I agree that asking someone how much they make a year is generally considered 'rude'. He definitely overstepped that invisible and indefinable line of 'propriety' and you were only right to answer as you did. As to 'taking offence', I think that if you dwell on that sort of mistake too long and take offence too deeply, it will do more harm to you than to anyone else. People are sometimes rude when they don't really mean to be and voice questions which they don't think of as 'intrusive'. They generally learn, eventually, by finding that the answers they get are short ( sometimes to the point of 'rudeness') in return. It's OK to be irritated and angry but it's also best not to let it color your perception of the guy too much. He is young and he will learn!
2 people like this
@JenInTN (27568)
• United States
6 Jul 12
Oh owlwings...I keep telling myself that he is young. I keep looking for things to like about him..lol. I think you are right about the dwelling part of it. If I do, I'll just like him less. He is very materialistic but the problem is he seems to want things handed to him. I have worked very hard for what I do have but I guess I should keep in mind that he just hasn't been around as long to learn certain lessons. Thanks for the response!
1 person likes this
• United States
8 Jul 12
Young people today are NOT being taught manners! I'm only 40, but I would have NEVER dreamed of asking an adult 'How much money do you make?'-heck, I don't like discussing money NOW! When I was pregnant, I worked as did my husband, but it didn't stop my mom from buying us things we needed. And at that time, my mom was working only part time in retail, but my baby was going to be her first grandchild and it was a big deal. My husband was a bit frustrated, but even he would have never asked my parents how much money they made! Your daughter's b/f is young, immature and spoiled. I only hope that she sees this before she does anything rash, like marry him. If I was in your place, I'd have just looked at him and said, "So would I, but it's not in my budget right now, so if I ain't getting one, neither is she!" and walked away. You handled it just fine though. My congratulations on your new grandbaby and I'm sending prayers that Kimber makes the right decision regarding her b/f-he sounds like he's got a LOT of growing up to do!
@JenInTN (27568)
• United States
8 Jul 12
Oh..he really does have that to do. He is doing well with the baby but as far as finances and desire to excel, I think that he thinks things should be handed to him on a golden platter. He has bounced from job to job with a million excuses why they didn't work out. I even got him a temp job where I worked at a year and a half ago. It was too repetitive. I thought Kimber was going to leave him over that. She didn't though. She apologized a million times to me over that one. She is very proud and even insisted on giving me payments for the baby bed and changing table I got her. Thanks for the congrats and well wishes.
• United States
8 Jul 12
Sounds similar to my ex-husband. He was the youngest of six and quite spoiled. I learned a lot of things the hard way-during the first 6 1/2 years of our 11 1/2 year marriage, I had ONE job. He had ELEVEN (eighteen total during our marriage)! I had gone through a number of health problems during that time too (hospitalized for a mini-stroke, tendonitis and therapy in both shoulders, back problems from a car accident, and my diagnosis with multiple sclerosis). I was tired of waiting for him to grow up and be a MAN-he was never there for me during the most difficult times (my MS diagnosis, an operation for my shoulder, or my mother's passing) and that's when I realized that if I didn't get out then, I'd kill myself. My biggest regret was not listening to my mom the day of my wedding when she asked me, "Are you SURE this is what you want to do?" Kimber sounds like a smart girl, with a good head on her shoulders. Unfortunately, we sometimes want to do what is "right" and keep the family together. That was my mistake and I know I hurt my daughter badly since she only saw Mommy and Daddy fight. This is one of those times I wish for a do-over of my life.
• Tucson, Arizona
8 Jul 12
Sounds like your daughter was raised right, and B/F is immature and spoiled. His mom should have put him through finance school. When I got divorced, younger son stayed with me, older went with Dad the idiot (we all call him that now). Dad's house was 24/7 party and gift fest-- dad had credit cards-- mom's house was fend for yourself, 70 hours work weeks for mom (dad never paid child support.). Younger son quickly became a useless whiner-- so I finally said at the beginning of summer, when I paid a 300.00 electric (and this was 13 YEARS ago! 2 bdrm apt!) Alright-- her's the checkbook and my pay-- YOU do the budget and grocery list for a month and you get to keep the extra. month 1: ate alot of 1.00 burger king, went to dollar movies-- finished the month 100.00 behind. month 2: ate nothing but mac and cheese, no movies, no a.c.-- it was only 110 degrees-- he got 47.00 month 3: car needed repairs, still a diet of mac and cheese and oatmeal, still no a.c.-- he got 9.00 He gave me back the checkbook and said: Wow mom-- you really ARE poor! He just went into basic, he has 6,000 in savings at all times (he's 21 now) At 18 he bought his own car for cash, got his own apt. He has never borrow a dime without making payments and giving me 10% simple interest-- just as I do when I borrow from my boys (I have had to in the past). His G/F is 21 as well, has a 4 year old, works and saves money, and is a wonderful girl, going to college p.t. for medical assistant. I am very proud. With any luck, it won't take your daughter long to realize that people like b/f are one thing for short term, and quite another for the long haul! There may be something to the old custom of parents choosing matches for their children LOL-- it would save a lot of trouble for some of them!
• United States
7 Jul 12
i do not think you are out of line at all. he was very rude and all of that info was none of his business in the 1st place. i think that if that is the kind of car that your daughter wants then since they are a family he should be the 1 to buy it for her. i know they are not married but it sounds to me they are working up to that. have you tought about talking to your daughter about this? i mean if you are trying to like him maybe by talking to her she can explain it to him and he can learn the right way to act because with him being so young maybe he was just never taught and in that case i guess he needs a chance to be shown the rigth and wrong things to do and say. i am proud of you for acting so mature because i think i would have said a lot more than that to him lol. i will also say that young people can be responsible to. my husband was becoming a 1st time dad at 18 and i was 20 so we were young but we also knew that is was time to straighten up and change the way we did things. now of course it took my husband longer to grow up and even now there are times that he is a little childish but he knows where the lines are and he has a lot of respect for people.
1 person likes this
@JenInTN (27568)
• United States
7 Jul 12
I am going to bring the topic up while she is here. She is here for two weeks while he goes to a drill for the reserve. The ages you mentioned you and your husband being are the exact ages they are, except reversed. She is 18 and he is 20. They are both within a few months of birthdays though. I do think he has a lot to learn about responsibility and respect. I may very well be the one that he gets a few valuable lessons from where this is concerned. My daughter has a lot to learn too, but I am glad that I gave her, at least, a basic understanding of respect and work ethic. Thanks for the input!
• United States
7 Jul 12
that is good. i hope that by you talking to her that it will due some good and she can stop him from talking to you that way. it sounds like he needs someone to teach him all of that and if it has to be you so be it atleast he will have learned and he will treat you better. everyone has a lot to learn even some adults but it starts when they are young they need to know manners, respect, work ethic, ect. i am glad that you daughter knows all of that and i hope that he soon learns that to because i would hate to have to deal with that each day. can i ask....does he even take care of his child?? i am only asking because many men like this would not but my husband took on the responsibility adn became the man he needed to even tho he was still a kid himself. that is kool how it is the same age but i wish them both the best of luck and i hope that he can soon grow up for his self and for the sake of his family.
@JenInTN (27568)
• United States
8 Jul 12
He seems to be very good with the baby right now. I know my daughter does most of the night time feedings and the diaper changes but he is helping. I even had a ray of hop during the delivery because he was kind and involved. I am hoping that this incident was a passing moment or at least he will be a fast learning student.
@choybel (5059)
• Philippines
6 Jul 12
That was really immature of him and it was really good you haven't stayed longer for more "words of wisdom from the mom-in-law". I don't know what I would have done in your place but I have a feeling that I would have given him a piece of my mind, but I also doubt that because knowing myself, I usually try to stay calm most of the time. I would definitely feel offended though.
1 person likes this
@JenInTN (27568)
• United States
6 Jul 12
I keep telling myself he is just young. I want to like him but he is not making that very easy. We didn't start off good and I was hoping that I would be able to develop some kind of relationship with him for my daughter and the baby. He just seems to think he is so entitled and burns me up..lol. Thanks for the response!
@choybel (5059)
• Philippines
6 Jul 12
I have heard about guys having problems with their mother-in-laws, but now I see how some cases can be true but more on the reverse reasons.
@JenInTN (27568)
• United States
7 Jul 12
I have heard those stories too and it can really be two way streets.