Loving someone else

@dorannmwin (36608)
United States
July 18, 2012 9:14pm CST
I'm married to my husband for almost eight years now and I love him with almost all of my heart. However, there is also a part of myself that does still love one of my exes. I won't go to the extent of saying that the love that I have for my ex is a romantic love. However, it is a love that I know I will have within me for the rest of my life. I don't believe that I am alone in this and my husband does know that I love my ex and I will always love my ex. He also knows that in the future I will always love him and I will go on loving him for the rest of my life, even if he passes away before I do. So, my discussion for today is do you have love in your heart still for any exes that you might have had in the past. If you do have some love for them still, is there anything that you do to help you cope with it? Do you ever talk to those people that you still have some feelings for?
6 people like this
24 responses
@veejay19 (3592)
• India
19 Jul 12
When you love someone,you love them wholly or not at all.Love can`t be divided into parts,one here and one there. Yes, you cannot forget your ex but you can`t love him when you have found someone to take his place.You may have pleasant memories of your association but that`s about all.people have 2 or 3 exes but that does not mean that they should divide their love into parts and keep loving them.If i were you i would put the ex out of your mind and life and concentrate only on your present and hopefully permanent husband and give him your love 100%.
3 people like this
@dorannmwin (36608)
• United States
20 Jul 12
I do love my husband wholly, but there are still people that are a part of my life that I love. Now the love that I have for other people is not a romantic love, but it is a love that still exists none the less.
1 person likes this
@veejay19 (3592)
• India
20 Jul 12
That`s called platonic love and includes love for parents,children, brethren, relatives and friends.There`s no harm in it.
1 person likes this
@dorannmwin (36608)
• United States
21 Jul 12
Now that you mention the correct term for it, I really do think that you are right and I do agree with you that it is a harmless love.
1 person likes this
• United States
19 Jul 12
I think I understand what you are saying perfectly. Maybe it is because, yes, I have an ex-beau that I still love. Also, I don't believe we easily turn off our feelings, at least I don't. I don't love lightly. My love runs deep. I have not seen this fella for 4 years and have talked to him on the phone only a couple of times in these past few years (he called me). Yes, I loved him deeply, still do. Not being together hurt me deeply, but it was best we not be together. He has moved on and married, I remain single. Even if I ever fall in love again I have no doubt there will always be a part of me that will love this fella, a special place in my heart to hold.
3 people like this
@dorannmwin (36608)
• United States
20 Jul 12
That is exactly the way that I feel about him. He was the first person that I ever did really love and we spent a lot of the formulative part of my life together and I believe that is a big part of the reason that I still love him. However, in addition to that, he is the father of the first child that I miscarried as well.
3 people like this
• United States
26 Jul 12
Sorry to hear about your miscarriage. Every one that we love, mo matter romantic love or friendship, whatever... we bond together with them for special reasons. Just like those reasons and events cannot be changed, neither can our love for one another. Those we have loved will always hold a special place in our being.
1 person likes this
@dorannmwin (36608)
• United States
26 Jul 12
You are absolutely right. I don't think that it is possible for anyone to turn off love. If it was something that was possible for human beings, then we would be able to immediately turn off the love that we have had for a person that has passed away. That would mean that there would be very little reason for us to experience grief.
1 person likes this
@savypat (20248)
• United States
19 Jul 12
I think this is pretty common, and why not? The human heart has the ability for unlimited love. That said I would say that the important part of this is how you handle the situation. I watched my Father worry and fret over his love of my Mother for most of his life. Even though he loved his new wife he could never accept that he was not in someway lacking because of the divorce of my Mom. She never seemed to regret the divorce but was alway very bitter about the second wife. To me this seemed like a destrictive relationship all around. I always felt for the second wife. Good thing that you can be honest with your present hubby.
@dorannmwin (36608)
• United States
20 Jul 12
In our case, I don't feel like the love that I have for him is something that is destructive at all. I've told Tom about the fact that I love him and that I always will. He knows that I've sat here and cried when something terrible has happened in his life and that shows me the love that my husband has for me. He is willing to accept me one hundred percent as I am and that is something that is ultimately very important.
3 people like this
@ranger07 (555)
19 Jul 12
I still have some kind of feeling for my exes but it is not love. They all did me wrong so I do not have that kind of love for them anymore.
2 people like this
@dorannmwin (36608)
• United States
20 Jul 12
I won't go to the extent of saying that I feel a romantic love toward him, but there is a part of me that loves him and hopes that he will eventually be able to find the happiness in his life that he deserves.
1 person likes this
@ajithlal (14563)
• India
6 Sep 12
I think infatuation and romantic feelings can happen to any people with anyone, but I think true love cannot happen lots of time.
@dorannmwin (36608)
• United States
6 Sep 12
I think that you are right. I think that a person is lucky if they are even able to find true love once in their life.
19 Jul 12
the right thing to do is to forget the feelings you have for your ex. it's within yours to forget.do the right thing and that is to be loyal and faithful to your husband.
2 people like this
@dorannmwin (36608)
• United States
20 Jul 12
I'm the kind of person that loves deeply and that means that I am not able to just turn off a switch and not be able to love a person anymore. I know that for as long as I live there is going to be a part of me that does love him. It isn't a romantic kind of love but it is also something that I've never been able to turn off.
1 person likes this
• Germany
28 Jul 12
same here dear dorannmwin.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
19 Jul 12
I don't have love for my exes. Specially when I met my husband.
2 people like this
@dorannmwin (36608)
• United States
20 Jul 12
The love that I am talking about is not a romantic love, it is a love much like the love that I have for my friends. It is the part of me that will always care about him and hope that he has the best in life that he deserves to have.
1 person likes this
@samson1 (738)
• Jamaica
19 Jul 12
I do not have such emotions for any of my ex's, as they were indeed of the past. As I read your comments, I remembered a song that had a stanza "torn between two lovers...it's breaking all the rules" I know that women establish loving connections differently from men, and once those 'unique' connections are formed, it it challenging for those love bonds to be broken. Hence, while I can empathize with you, I don't know how you could allow the 'love and emotions' of an older relationship to factor in, or exist alongside your current relationship; as this activity -if goes unchecked- could cause some 'serious' conflict of interest! Anyway, everyone's behavior towards this sensitive topic is different from each other, and, I have to laud you for your honesty in this regard.
• Philippines
19 Jul 12
Hi samson1! hahaha! "torn between two lovers... it's breaking all the rules" I have been singing that song...
1 person likes this
@dorannmwin (36608)
• United States
20 Jul 12
I'm not torn, I know that my husband is the person that I want to be with. However, there are times that I am encompassed by the fact that I do still have love for my ex. It isn't really a romantic love, but there is still a degree of love that is there. I just sometimes wonder if he still has any love left for me as well.
1 person likes this
@samson1 (738)
• Jamaica
20 Jul 12
Hmm.., interesting statements indeed. I lauded your honesty in this regard. However, how would you react/respond to the situation whereby -God forbid- your husband has had, and is still having loving feelings for his ex- and he tells you about it? Would you feel that you are competing for his love?
1 person likes this
@ryanong (9697)
• Vietnam
20 Jul 12
NO, it won't happen to me. When love is broken, it means i have no feeling toward to ex- more. Of course i don't forget them but no feeling more. If meeting on the street, just say hi as friends. This situation won't happen also because i never keep contact with ex- and they can't find any my information when love is broken.
1 person likes this
@dorannmwin (36608)
• United States
21 Jul 12
The love relationship between he and I is over and has been over for a long time. I actually discovered that almost eleven years ago. However, the fact that we were friends as well is the reason that I do believe that I have the lingering feelings for him that I still maintain after all of these years.
@ryanong (9697)
• Vietnam
21 Jul 12
Oh, i understand. Just be in friendship with him only then it is ok, i think. I wish you and your family all the best!
1 person likes this
@dorannmwin (36608)
• United States
23 Jul 12
I believe that it is. In fact, our family went down to see him yesterday so that I could finish a favor that I was doing for him. This was actually one of the first times that my husband was able to hang out with him for a while and I think that was good for all of us.
@RitterSport (2452)
• Germany
28 Jul 12
thanks for this discussion dear dorannmwin. I am not feeling so alone any more cause its the same here. I loved my ex bf with all of my heart cause he loved the Church and loved books, so we fit together perfectly. I was so proud to be seen with him on weekends he visited. We had a long distance relationship and he visited me every third weekend or so. He was and still is the man of my dreams. He even had the old fashioned me taking a step back from what I always believed, thats a relationship is only serious when it could lead to marriage. I was willing to stay with him even with no marriage in sight. But there came a time after a bit more than three years I couldnt live with this neglect any more. He put more and more weeks between his visits to me etc. and then came a moment when I knew it will hurt me like mad but I need to get on with my life without him as he didnt love me as much as I loved him for sure. Hadnt changed towards him but that needed to be done. He did something very embarrassing, thats inviting me to a marriage seminar in his hometown when I least expected something like this to come from him and I agreed and he enrolled us for it but when the time came he just didnt turn up without any explanation or apology thats when I broke up with him the same day. Later I met my now husband in person. He had been very patient and understanding, having met me over the internet first exchanging mails, saying take your time and think about whether you really want a break up with that guy, I am waiting patiently but I bet he is only playing with you. We met for the first time in person after that breakup and my husband was the one helping me, showing me he cares and he wants me to be happy. He also knows I will never forget my ex and that there is love for this man till I die, just like you describe it here. I dont see my ex as he now lives away even further away from me than when I was in my old hometown, and thats good cause it would still break me seeing him. Unfortunately the train I take in the morning to commute to work ends in my exes hometown so its a constant reminder of what I lost. But I am able to cope knowing that staying with him would not have been easy, there would have been far more neglect in the future and I would sure have broken up with him in the 10 years since so better have done that early.
1 person likes this
@dorannmwin (36608)
• United States
30 Jul 12
Wow, I really hate that he treated you in the way that he did. I know that having the kind of relationship that you had would have been something that was even harder than the relationship that I had. As I mentioned before, I do still talk to my ex and he and my family do hang out together from time to time. Last weekend, we actually all went down there and Tom had the opportunity to talk to him more than he had ever had the chance to talk to him. I honestly believe that the two of them could be really good friends because the two of them are so very much alike.
• Germany
11 Aug 12
hi dear dorannmwin, my ex and my husband also met once, cause we all attended the same weekend retreat from the Catholic Charismatic Renewal. It was 5 months after the breakup and my husband-to-be and me already wore our wedding bands as engagement rings. My heart broke cause then I realised how much I still loved my ex and I would love and miss him to the day I die. My husband dislikes books and is a computer whizz. But in some small ways the two of them are very alike. Sometimes I shake my head in disbelief. Like, both of them love spicy foods and do exactly the same thing like putting ground pepper on a cheese sandwich. LOL
1 person likes this
@dorannmwin (36608)
• United States
12 Aug 12
I can't say that I have noticed more intricate similarities between the two of them. However, they both are addicted to speed in cars and they both do mechanical work. In other words, I guess my type is blue collar workers. In addition to that, they do drink the same kind of pop, which I think is kind of odd and both of them have a very similar build (especially now that my husband has lost a little bit of weight).
@ShyBear88 (16865)
• United States
20 Jul 12
To be honest I don't love my ex any more at all. I haven't loved him in a long time. I know my husband doesn't love any of his ex. I don't think its wrong to love an ex in some way or another just that there are some people that you are always connect with in different love it might not be the same love that you once had or have but as they say there is many kinds of love in the world.
1 person likes this
@dorannmwin (36608)
• United States
21 Jul 12
I really don't believe that Tom has any kind of feelings for his ex either. I know that this is because of the fact that she hurt him deeply. You see, they were engaged and she broke it off with him when he said that he would not travel across the country with her without any jobs or money.
@ShyBear88 (16865)
• United States
23 Jul 12
For some people it's hard to let go of some of our loves and easy for others. I don't talk or anything with my ex after being together for almost a year I just knew we where not right for each other and he drove me nuts I couldn't find any reason why to stay and why I liked him or anything. My husband was always dumped but we always liked each other just never had the guts to ask each other out. Well fate had it's way with us over time. I've seen and know all of his ex's because we all went to school with each other and I can just tell there isn't any love between any of them or anything just friends being friends and now some of them don't even talk to him or anything because we are married and do have kids together.
1 person likes this
@dorannmwin (36608)
• United States
24 Jul 12
I do think that everything that happens in our lives happens for a reason. Yes, I do still care about him, but I know that there is some reason that I am not with him today. I will never stop caring about him but I care for my husband on a much deeper level.
@aejey322 (1006)
• Philippines
20 Jul 12
I posted a topic here a week ago about exes http://www.mylot.com/nr/newresponse.aspx?p=1&qid=2680395 I mentioned there about an ex-bf of mine whom I have not heard for about 16years already. I cannot say it is still love, but there is a part of me still longing to see him and curious on how his life is now. He is from another city. Everytime I meet somebody who's coming from same city, I immediately ask if he/she happens to know him. Unfortunately, none of them does... But when my brother who is in sales had an out-of-town training there, he told me he saw my ex, but he have not noticed my brother. I was hesitant to show him that I am interested and afraid to tell him to ask for his number. I might be judged wrongly... But somehow, I regret for not asking. It was my chance already. But I am also reserving some uncertainties that it might also cause trouble if my husband knows about it...
1 person likes this
@dorannmwin (36608)
• United States
21 Jul 12
That is one of the things that I know is not causing problems between my husband and myself. He does know that he and I are friends. The only time that it was ever something that bothered Tom was the first time that I talked to him. I wasn't even planning on talking to him, just finding out how his life was going (I'm also friends with his sister). However when his sister and I were on the phone catching up with each other, he called and she ended up putting us all on a three way call. It was ackward to say the least.
@aejey322 (1006)
• Philippines
23 Jul 12
you are lucky enough to have such an understanding husband. I am not saying mine isn't, but I actually haven't tried sharing it to him because it makes me feel uncomfortable. It is because If I put myself into his shoes, I will really feel uneasy that there is still a feeling in him that he's trying to know the whereabouts of his ex. Well, maybe because I had this untruthful experience with him before...
1 person likes this
@dorannmwin (36608)
• United States
24 Jul 12
In our relationship, I think that honesty is the best thing that we can have. If I wasn't honest with him, I wouldn't be as sure that our relationship will last for the rest of our lives.
@roshigo58 (4871)
• Pune, India
19 Jul 12
It seems to be that you still love your husband. My sincere advice is to keep your love with your exes in a corner of your mind and be loyal to your husband always.
1 person likes this
@samson1 (738)
• Jamaica
19 Jul 12
I aggree with your comments and advice Roshigo58.
1 person likes this
@dorannmwin (36608)
• United States
20 Jul 12
I would never ever do anything that would hurt my husband and I've actually been honest with him from the beginning about the fact that I do love this other man. It isn't a romantic love and that is what differentiates him from my husband.
1 person likes this
@KrauseHome (32391)
• United States
16 Aug 12
Personally I think most of the time this is quite natural and nothing out of the ordinary. I know there are some ex's in my past that I still have some feelings for. I know though it is not the type of love compared to what I have for my husband but there are still feelings there.
1 person likes this
@dorannmwin (36608)
• United States
16 Aug 12
That is pretty much the way that it is for me. I love him, but the love that I have for him pretty much ends with the fact that I want him to be happy in his life. However, when it comes to the love that I have for my husband, I couldn't begin to imagine what my life would be like if he wasn't in my life anymore.
@LittleMel (14059)
• Canada
27 Jul 12
well I have some memories. I usually throw / give away any item (photo, gift etc) that reminds me of them and delete/block their numbers/ emails, sometimes I also relocate if it's within budget. all these I found are very helpful to help me move on I also burnt my old diary before I got married, a sign that past is past as I am married over 11 yrs now, so even the memories aren't that vivid or in fragments. maybe just words, places we went to, movies we liked etc I wonder how they are doing and I usually tell hubby that he is pretty open minded, we have gone through a lot together, he's seen enough proof that I am with him for the long run so there is nothing to worry about I think I know what you mean though. It's love, but not that you want them back. I don't hate my exes, but I don't have the same feeling you describe either
1 person likes this
@dorannmwin (36608)
• United States
28 Jul 12
Tom knows that I am in it for the long run as well. They don't say for better or for worse, in sickness and in health for nothing and I certainly know that. In the eight years that we've been married, we've been through financial hardships, dependency issues and cancer treatments as well. If I can deal with all of that, I don't think that there is anything that would ever drive us apart.
@lumenmom (1997)
• United States
24 Jul 12
I do still love my ex, but in a very different way than when we were together. I know that old romantic love can not ever be rekindled. We have both moved on and have other spouses and we are friends. I see nothing wrong with having feelings for someone you once shared a very deep intimacy with as long as it is kept in proper perspective.
1 person likes this
@dorannmwin (36608)
• United States
24 Jul 12
That is the way that I tend to feel as well. The reason that I feel this way is because of the fact that I am the kind of person that puts everything that I can into a relationship and because of this fact it is impossible for me to be able to turn my feelings off.
@Shavkat (42857)
• Philippines
23 Jul 12
Some of my friends experienced the feelings like yours, but they tried to conceal the overpowering emotions. They don't want to hurt somebody else for discussing the exes. They considered as the past relationships and leave it that way.
@dorannmwin (36608)
• United States
24 Jul 12
I actually think that if I was to conceal the feelings that I have and try to pretend like they didn't exist that it would be more harmful to our relationship than being completely open and honest with my husband. Yes, there are some times that he does get a little bit jealous, but I would much prefer that over lying to him and trying to hide things from him all the time.
@much2say (33056)
• United States
20 Jul 12
I didn't have many boyfriends before my hubby . . . we have been together since we were 18. The one person I would consider my ex - eh - I don't give him much thought really (that's how much I really cared about him - ha ha). I will say I have some friendships with a few males that I miss . . . they were great friendships, but unfortunately they had to end. It always seemed like the other would want more than friendship - and of course I couldn't give them that (nor did I want to) because I was already in love and in a great relationship with hubby. I don't talk to any of these guys now - though I'm sure I can find them in a snap. I miss the friendship and do think about that a lot . . . it's really a shame that it ended on a bad note and my heart still hurts over that at times. I just think how wonderful life is with my hubby is through thick and thin - and I'm glad I'm on this road with him.
1 person likes this
@dorannmwin (36608)
• United States
21 Jul 12
I think that the main reason that I do have the feelings for him that I have is because of the fact that we were not only a couple, we were great friends as well. I think that if our relationship had only been a love relationship then I wouldn't have the lingering feelings that I have today.
• India
20 Jul 12
I had some crush and its not love.
1 person likes this
@dorannmwin (36608)
• United States
21 Jul 12
There is definitely a difference between love and a crush. When I was a young girl, I will admit that I had a lot of crushes. However, my feelings for him are not those feelings that will linger from a crush.
@512771751 (1096)
• China
20 Jul 12
I don't have such feeling as you. But I think it is formal emotion that one love his or her ex. As a member of the family, we must pick up the burden and responsibility of the whole family. Maybe the romantic feelings we should remember in our deep heart. Best wishes.
@dorannmwin (36608)
• United States
21 Jul 12
I really don't think that the feelings that I have for him is so much a romantic type of feeling. Instead, the love that I have for him is the kind of love that hopes that he finds happiness in his life that I really believe that he deserves to have. I would do anything that I could in order to be able to help him in his life and my husband doesn't have an issue with that fact.
@1wldngl (3996)
• United States
19 Jul 12
I still love my ex, he is, afterall the father of my son. Yet...it's a completely different love than I had for him as his wife. It is definately NOT a wifely love. I love him because I am capable of that. I do NOT desire to return to him, or the life we led, yet I will always love him in some small way. I don't think, if you are any kind of person of feeling, that you can just wipe a love out of your life. WEll...I can't. :)
1 person likes this
@dorannmwin (36608)
• United States
20 Jul 12
With mine, I think that there are a variety of reasons that I still love him and I know that a big part of it is because of the fact that he was my first. The other is the fact that though our child did not get to see this world, we did have a child together. And of course, there is the fact that we did a lot of growing up together and I honestly don't think that I would be the person that I am today if it had not been for our relationship.
1 person likes this