Messy Messy!

@katcarneo (1433)
Philippines
July 31, 2012 2:00am CST
Upon arriving home, before I can even change my shoes, the first thing I do is to clean up the mess because my partner has the uncanny ability to put the house in complete disarray without even knowing it! Take, for example, this scene I arrived at just a while ago: the wet bath towel on top of the TV, the picture frame that was on top of the TV, on the floor, his razor on the floor, chewed up by the dog (because he put it in a place where the dog could reach it, good thing the dog wasn't cut) a thermal mat where hot pots are put on the floor next to his computer, his computer chair almost in the middle of the living room, a rag for wiping the tables on the sofa, wet boxer shorts on the bathroom sink, the dog's leash under the armchair, potholders all over the kitchen counters (and they are wet!), the tin of salt and red chili peppers on the living room table, a lone sock on the side table, his shorts on the sofa, too. I have told him countless times where to put things and have even made special places for all of his things so he could put them back in those places and know where to find them when he needs them. Nothing. Every day I see a number of things that shouldn't be there. Not to mention the things that are askew or lopsided---he somehow manages to put everything in the wrong position! Even the pot on top of the stove was lopsided, almost on its side! Have you ever lived with a messy person? How did you deal with it?
1 person likes this
5 responses
@ratyz5 (7829)
• Philippines
31 Jul 12
Habits are behaviors carried from previous experiences that have been done or performed at a constant basis which in turn practiced constantly even without realizing until it is eventually given thought to. Like how different kinds of routines for every individual would get programmed in them due to the surrounding factors that have made them habituate in that kind of manner. In order for certain kinds of habits to be changed, another set of surrounding factors should be implemented in order for the person to alter their behaviors which, like the previous behavior which is needed to be changed, should also be constantly implemented. Of course, we are not mere animals that could be trained in such a way. We ironically have free will to choose how we would perform the things that we do. For your partner to continue to do the things that annoy you, as you have shared in this discussion that you started, is quite unfair. You constantly remind him of what he needs to do and still disappoints you. Being neat and tidy doesn't necessarily change his whole personality. It merely improves his character to say the least. Yet to be told countless times where to put things and have even made special places for all of this things so he could put them back in those places and know where to find them when he needs them and still manages to put everything in the wrong position? He should not excuse himself with the 'force of habit' line for if he really wants to improve, he simply goes right away and do it. No more excuses. If ever I was in a situation wherein someone is so disorganized and I happen to share the same place, I would constantly remind that person to be organized. Being reminded again and again would definitely be annoying so, I am merely reacting to what the person's behavior is doing to me. If that person doesn't want to be annoyed with me constantly reminding how to properly do things, that person simply goes along to eventually end the annoyance or there is a chance that the person would just continue to be annoying by continuing to be disorganized. If that were the case, I guess nothing would change. That person might as well have a room where this disorganized as much as possible.
@katcarneo (1433)
• Philippines
1 Aug 12
When he moved in with me, it was the first time he left his parents' home. This is what he has been doing for most of his life--not paying attention to where he puts things. And finding things was never difficult since he would just ask his mom where his this or that is, and she would find it for him. Now he does the same in our shared home, which is driving me nuts. On one side, I am thinking that since I am the woman of the house, I am expected to be like how his own mother was. On the other side I am thinking that he needs to change his bad habits. What he does when being confronted about his messiness is to make a joke out of things, like saying it was the cat who left his socks on top of the water jug, or that the dog was the one who peed and didn't flush.
1 person likes this
@ratyz5 (7829)
• Philippines
1 Aug 12
Upon reading your added detail with regards to your partner, it seems that he still needs to somehow mature, not only for himself but for the person who he moved in with which is you. Perhaps he is mature on other things but being neat and tidy wouldn't hurt to add up I suppose. It's not like he needs to give up something for it. It's one thing not to take things seriously as it wouldn't give any person stress, but there should still be consideration with those people around him, but it's another thing when someone doesn't take it seriously when confronted with something which he is responsible for. Instead of dodging the issue, he should just apologize, and by that be sincere with the apology. Making statements in line with jokes doesn't grant any guarantee as if merely saying things and not actually committing to them. Then refrain from doing his bad habits. It would take time, of course, but as we all agree with action speaks louder than words, it should show in his behavior that he indeed wants to change. I would admit that I can be messy too, especially when I am doing something like my personal projects or a hobby which requires me to use various kinds of tools and equipment, yet I keep it in mind to be messy on my work station. I always consider that my nephews are around the house so leaving things about in places would either make me angry when I can't find them due to my nephews mistaking it for a toy or disappointed with myself if any of my things contributes to my nephews or anyone at home getting hurt. Alright, this might sound like I am imposing, but you obviously don't have a mother and son relationship. Being the 'woman in the house' does not excuse him from being a 'man.' Bad habits do need to change and change for the better.
@katcarneo (1433)
• Philippines
2 Aug 12
His inability to take things seriously is sort of an issue as well. He avoids confrontations and always tries to change topics. That's why he never really learns. He would work on improving his bad habits for a few days then revert back to his old ways. Perhaps I should be more angry.
1 person likes this
@Paper_Doll (2376)
• Philippines
31 Jul 12
I think that my husband is almost like your husband. I usually get irritated when I found the house in total disaster when I arrived. I got mad a couple of times and good thing that he somehow realized his bad manners. What I am worry about is that he sometimes do something and would focus on another thing. He almost put our house on fire when he tried to boil water and leave and it happened twice. So I had to put a note on the wall of our kitchen reminding him not to leave when he is cooking something. But what he did is he put a chair in front of the stove and sleep. I got angry once when he left an opened chocolate on top of our bed and ants are all over. I put a hanger on our bathroom and told him to hang his underwear after taking a bath rather than leave them everywhere he likes. I know that I cannot just change those behavior in an instant so I am giving him time. There was a time that he was not able to come home for almost 3 days. During those time, I would usually arrive at home and would see that everything is in order and nothing has changed BUT I AM NOT HAPPY. In fact, I felt deep sadness without him around. So every evening when I arrive, I would just clean the mess without talking. Everytime I do that, he would hug and say sorry and would help me clean them.
@katcarneo (1433)
• Philippines
31 Jul 12
Oh absentmindedness can be dangerous! He should really be more careful. You are right that it may be hard to change other people's bad habits. I always try to tell him nicely about the things he got wrong, but sometimes I get so annoyed! I suppose if he was gone for a few days I would feel the same as you did. I would probably miss the mess. My partner also sometimes feels quilty and would say sorry and start cleaning up when he sees me cleaning up. When he got home last night I told him I was very annoyed at how things in the house looked when I arrived home. He said sorry, but of course that didn't stop him from putting his socks on top of the ice box and his jacket on top of the speakers and leaving them there. Oh boy.
• Philippines
2 Aug 12
They have been living like that for a long time so it would be a challenge for us wives to change that. We will be needing a lot patience for sure. We cannot really avoid those kinds of problems. What we can do is maintain a reasonable expectations. Just seeing my husband repeats those behavior over and over again, I came to think that it would take a decade before I can change him. I really do not want to stress myself so much so I just act without talking. Pray hard. Maybe it is something that needs miracle :D
@katcarneo (1433)
• Philippines
2 Aug 12
I think my expectations are pretty reasonable. He is not expected to do the sweeping, the mopping and the scrubbing around the house. He just needs to put things where they belong. Oh today aside from the stuff I told RozAnn in the comment below, when I reached into the jar or instant coffee sachets I grabbed an empty one. He fixed himself some coffee then put the empty sachet back in the jar instead of putting it in the trash bin! He doesn't even have to walk to the trash bin, he just has to turn around and put the trash there. But no. Yesterday the empty sachet of instant coffee was on his computer table. I wonder where I will find it tomorrow.
• Trinidad And Tobago
31 Jul 12
Your partner should rent from my landlord who shares my rental with me. He does not even allow spots of water on the kitchen counter. I am so happy he is gone away now that I feel so much freer and I don't mind saying so. Why not become a supervisor like my landlord ? You might lose the partner but a neat house is a fine thing.
@katcarneo (1433)
• Philippines
1 Aug 12
Haha I am not that keen on cleanliness, to the point of being obssessive-compulsive, but I do want orderliness in the house. I guess it is really restricting when someone watches every little thing you do. I am not to strict but I sometimes feel like the cleanliness police. Sometimes I tell him about how my apartment used to be so neat and clean and he jokes about leaving since he is the reason for all the mess. But of course we both don't want that.
@ddaguno (3110)
• Philippines
31 Jul 12
it's embarrassing to say, but i am a messy person. very disorganized which leads to irritation. however i dont rely on other people to clean up after me. i clean my own mess. i dont let anybody else touch my office.
@katcarneo (1433)
• Philippines
31 Jul 12
It is good that you clean up after yourself. However, in a shared space messiness can be a problem for the one who can't tolerate it. If other people get irritated by your messiness, then maybe tidying up would be a good idea. But if it's just you, then it's really up to you! When I was living alone I would also sometimes leave things lying around. A good example is my guitar which I would leave on a floor after playing it. I was by myself and I didn't have pets so no one would trip on that guitar. But now, sharing space with a partner, a dog, and three cats, tidying up has to be done constantly.
@riyauro (6430)
• India
31 Jul 12
Even my husband's habits are similar to your husbands. He will come back from work or outside, take his clothes off and puts on the table in the living room. Trust me he will never put in proper place. I have to do it all the time. After having bath he puts the wet towel on the bed or sofa. I hate that. But one thing he doesn't want dust in the house. When I start to general clean the house, then he comes and helps me. He will shout , yell but he will make the house sparkling clean..lol have a wonderful day.
@katcarneo (1433)
• Philippines
31 Jul 12
It's a good thing that you help each other in doing chores. I guess many men have the habit of leaving their clothes lying around! I hate wet towels being put on the bad or the sofa too! I even gave him some hooks and asked him to screw them in the back of the bedroom door and told him that was where we would hang the towels after using. But still he never puts them there.