How would you handle this situation?
July 31, 2012 11:40pm CST
Ok well here's my dilemma. I have lived in the same house for the past 5 years. In this time I have become very close with a few of my neighbors. One of them being a young couple That has been together for 12 years, and they lived with her mother and father Until about a year ago when they moved directly across the road. The mother had MS and passed away January of this year. The daughter already had depression/anxiety issues as she has been caring for her mom for the past 10 years. She is I believe 25 years old maybe 26. She and her boyfriend have had some pretty serious fights many times. Yelling and screaming, hitting walls, slamming doors etc.. They have a daughter themselves now that is almost three years old. The boyfriend who is I believe 28 has never had a stable job but he did work when he could and he also helped in caring for her mom. After the mom died they lost their income because the daughter was payed by the state to care for her mother. They got on public assistance which required him to go through The work source program which provides him assistance in getting his GED and searching for a job, possibly even college assistance. So he starts going to these classes and doing everything he is supposed to do which also required he do homework. While he was in class she would call him and pick fights accusing him of being with other women etc.. over the two weeks he was doing what he was supposed to their fighting got worse and worse. Then one day his dad calls whom he hasn't seen in about 18 years. He talks to his dad off and on for a couple of days. Then he was trying to do his homework and while I was at their house for a moment he asked her to please take the baby and play somewhere so he could finish his homework. She flipped out and he said "I can not do this anymore. I just can't take it, and I don't want to fight in front of the baby anymore" and he left. Since then it has been absolute chaos. He then becomes so depressed over this, he goes to stay with his best friend of many years that he pretty much hadn't spoken with in months because the best friend got addicted to heroin. Well needless to say he started using and by the time a week and a half went by he looked like hell. With a little help from myself and a few other people,..he decided after constant chaos and trouble with the babies mom, and now using drugs to go see his dad in Arizona for a few weeks so he could try to get clean also.. In the mean time she starts dating her best friends brother, and she's still fighting with babies dad on the telephone. So he finds out about the new bf and of course is even more and more distraught. He has now lost his girlfriend, and his baby, and the only family he has had for the past 12 or so years. He comes back here to Washington in hopes to save any chance he has of getting his family back. He comes here, and asks to see the baby. They refuse to let him take her to the park saying they can't trust him to bring her back etc...big verbal fight breaks out, the new bf starts chasing babies dad while she is on his shoulders. I go running after him for fear baby will get hurt in all this. I get the new bf stopped and told him to go back inside the house. She then follows babies dad still arguing and refusing to let him visit the baby. I end up calling the cops because all this crap is happening in front of this little girl etc. The same thing happens the next day, and the day after that. Mean while this kid is sleeping in his truck for the past 5 days. He has nowhere to go, and every time he calls or tries to see the baby it's a big fiasco. I am the only comfort he has and even though he has been clean off drugs since he went to Arizona I can't let him stay here because I live right across the driveway from babies mom and the new bf. I love that baby, and both him and her, but she and her father are really really being cruel to him. All he wants is to spend 3 hours a day with his daughter. He would never not bring her back and they know that. Frankly I think her dad likes the new bf better, and she is playing the victim here which in reality she's just as guilty as the babies dad for all this. My heart is torn, it kills me to know he is sleeping in his truck and has no help from nobody other than myself and my husband, and I can't even let him stay here. He was sleeping in is truck last night and two guys pulled him out and kicked him in the head and beat him so badly that he passed out. They didn't steal his truck or any of his tools, clothes or anything else he has. How coincidental. Have you dealt with something like this before? If so how did you handle it? If not, what do you think you would do in this situation.
• United States
1 Aug 12
wow olydove, you sound like a lovely person with a big heart, I know you feel for your friends..but just don't get yourself to involved in the lives of others...which I hope is not to late...It seem like you know a lot already..and in details.. I think you should do what you can but its best that you back out of that relationship as soon as possible..What is your hubby saying to you about being so much into their business. After reading your story,it is clearly not your problem..I think they need to correct their own problems, if it is fixable. But you can't fix it... But I think you are already to much in the middle..sorry, its just one mylotters opinion...
• United States
1 Aug 12
well first things first it seems as though you care more about the wellbeing of the family than each person individually so what you can do is offer the poor man shelter and some friendly advice instead of trying to see his baby by asking he should escalate this into court (you may have to testify) you know in your heart he was trying to do the right thing with any luck the personal minutes that the pair has to see each other for child transfer might urge them to heal old wounds without the current boyfriend being there to express unnecessary input
• United States
2 Aug 12
I know that you are a compassinate person but as my philosophy teacher taught us you can't put everyone into your lifeboat otherwise you'll all drown. It sounds like you know him better than anyone because you've been on the outside looking in. First things first he needs to go back to work source and complete his mission so he can get a job or a trade. Once he does that and gets cleaned up then he'll need to file for custody if the child is his. Even if he doesn't the state will come after him for child support because I'm sure she is on public assistance. It doesn't sound like she has a clear head if she was always jealous of him when he was at school. If you think you can help then I would do it. Sleeping in his truck is not a wise idea. Going to a shelter might be better and he might be able to get help there. If you do take him in I would devise a plan -- what goals does he want to accomplish? Have him write down his goals and work on his plan. Staying clean is a hard road to travel and all the kids from his playground will be coming around and so perhaps for him it would be better to find another place in order to change his playground. Best of luck to you. Some people need to hit rock bottom and it sounds like he has in order to turn their life around.
• United States
2 Sep 12
Thank you sunshine for your advice. I did my best to try and help him get back to work source, and motivate him to look for the future but he was too far gone emotionally at that point. I haven't heard from him in about 3 weeks so I am assuming he went back to the bad place. I did try to convince him to go the shelter, but you are right his playground was calling. I guess even through all this it wasn't his rock bottom yet. :(
1 Aug 12
You have a big heart for doing such kindness to you neighbor! Anyway, if i will be in your situation i cant blame you for feelings sorry about them specially the father who only wants to see his daughter. I know you want to give a lot of help to them or to him. There's nothing wrong in helping someone, you have all the best intentions.. just add prayers for them. Coz there are things we cannot solve on our own. Only the Lord can. I know you will be blessed for being a compassionate person!
1 Aug 12
My gosh. this is terrible. i myself have not face any situation as dire as this. Poor guy. he deserved some time with his kid, but why they won't even let him that? i think if you helped him and be seen by his family, they might start thinking negatively about you, which is bad for you and hubby. so if you wanna help him, do it discreetly. get him some help from lawyer and any interesting party to fight his cause.
• United States
25 Sep 12
I'm going through all my old messages from MyLot and I found this discussion. I hope that my comment reaches you in time to help, or that the situation has been resolved amicably. Anyway, I would suggest to the ExBF that he go down to the child court and get custody of her. I'm not sure how it works in your state Oly, but here in Ohio the first person to go to the courts and file for custody usually gets it without much fuss if its undisputed (meaning go down there without telling the mother) Since the ex is in such a dire state, I would suggest finding lodging first, even if it has to be public housing. Unfortunately they won't give him custody unless he has a stable residence. I would also report the assault and all the violence to the police, if I was the ex I mean. This way the assault would be documented and would assist in his case against the ExGF.