how to be friendly with your ex lover who hurt you so much?

@asliah (11148)
Philippines
August 12, 2012 2:33am CST
greetings to all of you guys, i have a question not only to myself but to all of you too, have you ever be friendly to your ex lover/partner who really hurt you so much in the past?how will you accept the friendship of your ex lover?will you decline it?why? i dont know what to do because the pain still there so until now i couldn't accept the friendship of my ex lover.
4 people like this
46 responses
@manduri20 (108)
• Uganda
12 Aug 12
don't be friends with that person, just try to forgive him but being his friend is a bad idea. That will only open up your wounds i don't believe in such friendships unless if you had a child with that person you do it for your child but if you don't then don't make him your friend.
@nixxx05 (311)
12 Aug 12
Definitely true!
@chum24 (569)
• Philippines
12 Aug 12
i never tried that..but maybe if i will,, it will takes time for me to be friend with him after he broke up with me heck! it's not easy to be friend with my ex, but soone or later i can accept but but still i remember what he did to me.
@nixxx05 (311)
13 Aug 12
You're right chum24. it takes time to be friend with an ex.
• China
12 Aug 12
I think I can do that! When someone hurt me deeply, especially by lover. It is not mean I care someone who give the hurt, I just think it is no need to get along with the one that hurt you and should leave you forever!
@caopaopao (10882)
• China
13 Aug 12
It's great that you can do like that, and it's not easy. I think love hurt is not the same as the othes. The lover hurt you is the man who once loved you. "Love the deep, harm the deep." So it is complicated for us to deal with it.
@garson (886)
• United States
17 Sep 12
Does the friendly part mean that you have to work with that person? If you have to work with an ex lover, you just focus on objectivity and nothing else. You can be friends with anyone, but you could also avoid people that have hurt you. If a memory or something sticks in your head that makes you uncomfortable or hurt you in any way, friendship cannot occur. How can you hang out with certain feelings? It's easy to say, but you don't need to over complicate it. It is definitely up to you. Whenever you're ready, confront this person about how you feel.
@jenny1015 (13389)
• Philippines
1 Sep 12
I had my very first love 26 years ago. I got really hurt for a long time. Even if I had boyfriends after him, I still though about him- half missing him and half mad. It was only in 2007 when I saw him at Facebook, of course both of us now married. Exchanged hi's and hello's and talked about why we broke up. TO make the story short, I felt first love would always have a special spot in our hearts. If you have just recently broke up with your boyfriend, I think you still more time to heal.
@dorannmwin (36698)
• United States
26 Aug 12
In most situations, I believe that it is possible to be friends with an ex if enough time has passed. You see, I hated my ex because of the fact that he'd hurt me so much and I hated him for a long time. However, we came back into contact with one another last year after having not talked to each other for nine years. Since then, we've become friends again and I would say that he is one of my closest friends. I haven't forgotten the pain that he put me through, but I'm able to look past that pain now because I have a husband and children that love me and he is simply just a friend. I don't think that I could ever have a relationship with him again if something were to ever happen to my husband.
@aghiuta (526)
• Canada
19 Aug 12
He is an EX for a reason... I do not see any point in keeping in touch with an ex.If children are involved,that is an other story.Otherwise,leave the pain behind and move forward.Why would you want to be reminded of it all the time!And the fact that your Ex wants to keep in touch,shows that he does not realize the pain he caused,or he does not care,or may be he thinks that by staying friends,he did not really hurt you.Who knows what is in his head? For me a clean cut is better in the long run.
• Philippines
18 Aug 12
Well forgive is the only key. . a year ago My ex-girlfriend hurt me and that was the worse pain i have ever felt in my entire life. . it was like the pain in my heart was causing a heat inside that didn't want to come out and it was hurting me and burned me from within. . it is really hard to explain what I felt during that time because that was the first I am so serious to a woman. . everyday and every night I kept on shouting just to take away some of the pain. It was a hell but somehow I was able to forgive her and as time goes by things changed and my feelings for her slowly fades away specially the moment I met present girlfriend now, she helped me moved on and forget the feelings I had from my past. You see, forgiving and forgetting something (the pain) specially in love life is not that easy and you can't do it all alone. . you need someone's help to that.
@MsTickle (24980)
• Australia
18 Aug 12
I think it's best to hold on to the pain as long as you can. If you are not meant to be together then you must suffer for as long as possible. It's best not to be friends with someone who made you feel so much pain. It's best to despise him and hold him in contempt. Isn't this the way things are supposed to be?
@hmkoct5 (2067)
• United States
14 Aug 12
When my ex-husband and I split up, we had decided to remain friends. It didn't work out very well. If either of us talked about new love interests in our life, it was painful for the other to hear. It got to the point that we couldn't really talk about anything without feeling some pain or resentment. I am making a very long story short, but we were not able to remain friends. It was much easier in the long run to part.
@Pegasus72 (1901)
13 Aug 12
I would like to think I could be friends with anyone but for someone who hurt me then it would have to be with caution.
@Canellita (12058)
• United States
13 Aug 12
Why do you need to be friends with this person? He is a part of your past and should stay there. As you go forward in life you have new experiences and grow as a person. Not all of your friends will grow with you and that is ok. Just like some female friends may not be with you forever, the ex lover is an ex friend so move on. If you are meant to be friends one day it will happen naturally, but if you try now you may expose yourself to getting hurt again.
@2004cqui (2823)
• United States
13 Aug 12
I could be civil, but not friendly toward someone who's been cruel to me. (and one was). There's another out there I could be friendly with because he was never mean. He is a really nice guy and married for the second time at least. I'm just glad I never married him.
• United States
13 Aug 12
If he hurt me and Never apologized , there can't be any friendship.If he did apologize and I have moved on? Me? I still wouldn't be friends!
@deazil (4556)
• United States
13 Aug 12
asliah, maybe he wants you back because he can't find anyone who will let him treat them as badly as he treated you. Some people like to show their power by mistreating another, usually someone who loves them. Because when someone loves them it's easier to inflict pain on that person. The reason is because the person being hurt won't leave them. They love them. And this makes it possible for them to just keep hurting that person over and over again. It doesn't stop. You become like a door mat. You are disrespected. You can't hold your head up and the person who is hurting you puts no value on you. That is not loving someone. Ask any of the men in mylot how they treat the woman they love. They will tell you they don't ever want to cause her to be hurt. You cannot be friends with someone like him. He is maybe afraid you will meet someone who will treat you right, and then you'll see how wrong he is. He doesn't want that. He wants you to think you need him and he is the only one who cares for you. He doesn't care about you. If he did he could never hurt you like he has. People in his position will say anything to get back with you. "Let's be friends." "I miss you." "Let's go someplace together." It's so phony. He only wants someone he can be mean to. I don't know what else to say to you. Everyone here has advised you against it. Maybe you would rather be hurt over and over again. Some people have no self respect and they let another treat them badly because they feel they deserve to be hurt all the time. I can't even think that you are like that. You are young and beautiful. Take care of yourself and stay away from him. He is not good for you. Please.
@else22 (4319)
• India
13 Aug 12
Fortunately or unfortunately,I have never had any girlfriend.So no question of any ex arises.My wife is my first and last girlfriend.And it was she who had hurt me at the very first night of our marriage.It was an intolerable shock for me,but somehow I managed to handle my pain.I decided to take up the matter with an open mind.I did not turn rude.Instead,I tried to understand her.Now we are the happiest couple in my family and we can't live without each other.But she is my wife,not my girlfriend.
• Philippines
13 Aug 12
Hi! Well, for me, if the pain is still there, then you do not have to accept the friendship yet. I believe you can be friends only when there is no more hurt feelings in both of you. Yes, just decline it and he will feel that you are still hurting.
@derek_a (10902)
13 Aug 12
I guess that this is a question that only you can answer. I believe that there could be karma operating and if it was me I would meditate with the problem. I would need to know if I am ready to move on or if I have something with my ex-lover that I need to complete. If there is something that only by keeping in contact with her that will allow me to move on. On the other hand, moving on may be painful and the best way to do it, is to sever contact with her completely. I would not then try to push her out of my mind even if I was able to. I would need to go through the loss as consciously as I could. I would like to add here that I am a Zen practitioner and my practice is to expand my awareness of my experiences, especially bad ones so they do not get pushed into the shadows of my mind where they can effect my feelings in the future. There are many shadows already there from past hurts that through my meditation I am slowly bringing to the surface to be resolved. I have just given you my thoughts. If they are of help to you, then I am pleased, but if you have rejected them, then that's OK as we are all different in the way we handle stressful situations in our life. Good luck... _Derek
@squallming (1776)
• Malaysia
13 Aug 12
Actually it is not that hard to be friend with your ex lover. You must know that everything that happened that time had became history which will not do you any good even if you don't let it go. Of course I understand that sometimes you have been hurt too deep and badly. If you find yourself really cannot befriend with your ex then don't force yourself. As long as you don't feel painful.
• Philippines
13 Aug 12
if you haven't got over with the pain bought by your ex then i suggest don't accpet it. as for me, i avoid my ex if im not over him yet since i don't want to be vulnerable again and be fooled again but time comes that im not affected with his presence anymore then wether he befriends me or not does not matter anymore