Would you send a birthday card?

@jillhill (37383)
United States
August 26, 2012 3:26pm CST
My son and his wife are getting a divorce. Next Tuesday is her 30th birthday. I want to remain on friendly terms with her....but I do have very mixed feelings about the whole situation. I am thinking of sending her a birthday card but not including the money I normally send to the kids. She will still be my DIL until Oct. when they go to court and get the whole thing behind them. Would you send a birthday card or just email her? Or would you not do anything?
4 people like this
25 responses
@blue65packer (11835)
• United States
27 Aug 12
I would send your son's soon to be ex-wife a birthday card. Send a nice card and wish her a happy birthday! I see nothing wrong with it! She is the mother of your grandkids and you probaly will be seeing her from time to time if she brings the grandkids over to see you. Its the thought that counts!
2 people like this
@jillhill (37383)
• United States
27 Aug 12
For sure!
• United States
26 Aug 12
It all depends on your relationship you two have Without your son. If you will always see her as your friend , then send the card. But.. if you were just being polite because she is your son's wife , don't send the card.
1 person likes this
@jillhill (37383)
• United States
27 Aug 12
I think you are right.....I talked to my son yesterday and he was opposed to the idea..so I think I'll pass.
1 person likes this
• United States
27 Aug 12
To him , she is the enemy. I'm glad you talked to him.
@GreenMoo (11842)
27 Aug 12
I would send a card as you would normally. It's still her birthday and you're still friends. There's nothing to be gained by pushing her away. At the end of the day, your son will benefit from a friendly relationship with her in the long term. I'm uncertain about the money thing though. I'm assuming they're your son's kids? Or at the very least that you've been 'acting grandmum' during the marriage? In which case I'd include the money along with a note explaining that it's for the kids or whatever you normally do. Why would what has changed between your son and his wife alter your relationship with the children? The kids probably need stability more now than ever.
1 person likes this
@jillhill (37383)
• United States
27 Aug 12
Yes so true.
• Indonesia
27 Aug 12
It's a good thing to do, sending her a birthday card, will show her that you still manage to have good relatioship with her. I know she will happy if you do so. You con't have to including money, she is an adult not a kids who wish for cash on every birthday.
@jillhill (37383)
• United States
27 Aug 12
You are so right.
@katsmeow1213 (29047)
• United States
27 Aug 12
I guess if you want to stay close to her you should. I don't know if I would, I'd probably have a lot of resentment and anger towards the situation. My brother's longtime girlfriend broke up with him awhile back right while he started having some serious medical (heart) problems. Turns out she'd been seeing someone else. She put my brother through all sorts of heck, and pretty much still is. He's on disability now because of his heart problems, yet she wants him to pay $650 a month child support, and in the meantime she's getting tattoos and claiming she can't afford to buy their son any back to school clothes. My brother has been going without his meds so that he could pay child support and feed their son on the days he has him. He's been hospitalized twice in the past 2 months for not taking his meds that he can't afford, but when he tried to pay her only $500 she called child support and now they're threatening to put him in jail! I've seen her once or twice at the stores, but didn't say anything to her and she didn't bother to say anything to me. Not that I expect she would.. what's she going to say? Sorry I'm being a b*tch to your dying brother?
1 person likes this
@jillhill (37383)
• United States
27 Aug 12
When they first started getting a divorce I was very upset because her and I were so close.....but as time goes on and some of the things she is saying to my son those feelings are subsiding.....like they say there is a thin line between love and hate and she is erasing it....so I don't know for sure what I'll do..might just say happy birthday on facebook.
@CatsandDogs (13964)
• United States
27 Aug 12
Hi jillhill, why not? I mean, the divorce is between your son and his soon to be ex-wife, not you and your son and his ex-wife so why not send her a card? It's ok to be cordial with her and besides, she's the mother of your grandchildren so it's best to keep things on the good side with her. How she takes it is up to her.
1 person likes this
@jillhill (37383)
• United States
27 Aug 12
Thats what I thought.
@lynboobsy11 (11346)
• Philippines
27 Aug 12
Yes I would she's been part of the family before and even they got a divorce they are still the mother of your grand children still she's been in the family. Great her what ever ways is truly nice gift for a birthday.
1 person likes this
@jillhill (37383)
• United States
27 Aug 12
For sure!
@cynthiann (18619)
• Jamaica
27 Aug 12
I would send her a card and gift as you would have done. It s good to remain friendly especially when children are involved. Trust me on this one! I have kept on very good terms with my son's ex but I do not discuss my son or his family to her. My son insisted that she was not to be disrespected as she is the mother of his daughter. The famil,y complied and relations are good even though initially I wanted to maim her for the hurt she caused my son keep it all civilised. So much better for everyone all around , I found. I also have great access to see my eldest granddaughter and this makes me happy blessings
@jillhill (37383)
• United States
27 Aug 12
I do want to but everyone in my family says I shouldn't...both my daughters and my sisters...and my son. He was livid when I told him I was going to send her a card.
@cynthiann (18619)
• Jamaica
27 Aug 12
Did they have children together? I always said nice things to my GD about her mother and she has grown up to be very secure and happy little girl. Not so little as she is starting High School next week. She will,be 12 in December. Feelings seem to be running high at the moment butnifnnitnancard, then perhaps a call wishing her happy birthday?
@AmbiePam (50111)
• United States
26 Aug 12
You're certainly nice. Definitely don't send her any money, that's for sure. Shoot, I don't know. But you know what? She's more likely to let you guys have a good relationship with your grandkids if you do something nice like that, so yes, I say send her a card. It can't do anything but help.
@jillhill (37383)
• United States
27 Aug 12
I talked to my son last night and he was upset by the idea...he's hurting though...maybe I'll just wish her a happy birthday on facebook.
@AmbiePam (50111)
• United States
27 Aug 12
Yeah, that's probably a good compromise.
@carolbee (16241)
• United States
28 Aug 12
If you want to remain friendly and they have kids, I would definitely send a card. Am sure it's not easy but keeping in touch with the kids would be something I would want to do forever. I can see where it could be a touchy situation. Good luck, Jill.
@jillhill (37383)
• United States
28 Aug 12
Both my daughters and myself just told her happy birthday on facebook. I decide a card was too personal....though I do want to stay in contact...things have been going a bit down hill lately where the whole situation is concerned....so played it safe and didn't send a card.
• United States
27 Aug 12
Since your son is so upset by the idea, you really need to take your cues from him. Unless your son is horribly at fault in the divorce, you need to be on his side in this. If she is a decent person, hasn't done horrible things to your son, and you really do want to stay on friendly terms with her, wishing her Happy Birthday via an e-card would be fine. I'd skip FB, though; I think that might be a tad odd given the current situation and the rather public nature of that site. While she's not your ex, the entire being connected to her own FB is something that might not last past October, either; being connected to exes, or your children's exes, is sort of an iffy proposition in most cases.
@jillhill (37383)
• United States
28 Aug 12
I did the facebook thing but didn't send a card....so did my daughters...but that was it.
@cher913 (25890)
• Canada
27 Aug 12
well, since she is the mother of your grandchildren, i sure would want to keep on friendly terms with her so i think a card would be a nice gesture.
@jillhill (37383)
• United States
27 Aug 12
I do too...my daughters however think I shouldn't...my parents kept in contact with my ex sister in law.....we all still do...but they were married for 20 years.
@thanks1961 (7046)
• India
27 Aug 12
Any way, it is not happend all of a suddent and both the parties are agreed upon this matter. It is after their will, desire and understaning that they can't live together for any more. As this is the background, there is no pain behind it and based on all these, I think you can send a mail for the wish. If some inappropriate happens suddently, this could have been avoided. Here, it is quite normal that they both are prepared for it and they may seems to be normal and I think both will celebrate their independence, and you can forward the b'day wishes also in whatever form you prefers.
@jillhill (37383)
• United States
27 Aug 12
Thanks, thanks!
• Canada
27 Aug 12
I would do everything as I've always done. Their marriage may be history, but as the mother of your grand kids, she'll be a member of your family forever.
@jillhill (37383)
• United States
27 Aug 12
That is a fact.....she will always be Ali's mom....
• United States
26 Aug 12
Sure send the card. You mentioned you want to stay on friendly terms so you must have a decent relationship with her. Of course, I just wouldn't talk with her about the divorce, now or later. That might create problems which you don't want. You were friends with her before, it's always nice to be friends in the future. Hopefully, no problems will come up and they will be civil to each other..you know how that goes. As far as the money, no, I don't think I would do that. Sending a card will at least let her know you still like her and want to stay on the friendly side. That's what I would do anyways.
@jillhill (37383)
• United States
27 Aug 12
Thanks!
@sedel1027 (17854)
• United States
26 Aug 12
I would especially if you want to stay on good terms with her after the divorce. My cousin and his ex-wife just got divorced and I have a good relationship with both of them. My entire family still keeps in contact with her and they really had a clean break and simple divorce. We all still exchange the same cards, gifts, ect as always, just send them to different addresses.
@jillhill (37383)
• United States
27 Aug 12
It can work....
• United States
26 Aug 12
If the two of you have a good relationship, then send the card. Just because they're getting divorced doesn't mean you still can't be friendly to her. If you guys don't really have a good relationship, then don't send the card
@jillhill (37383)
• United States
27 Aug 12
I haven't seen her much since they split up. so maybe she doesn't want a relationship.....
@Raine38 (9195)
• United States
26 Aug 12
I don't see anything with it. She will only cease to be your son's wife; but she won't be stopping to be the mother of your grandkids. You still know her despite the divorce right, and that is a matter between her and your son only. There's nothing strange in wishing someone a happy birthday.
@jillhill (37383)
• United States
27 Aug 12
Good point.
• United States
26 Aug 12
I would send her a card, though make it less personal or add comments less personal than you may have in the past. There was a time when she was an important part of the family and as you mentioned, you have some personal feelings as well. Life is short and even the break up of your son's marriage should not give you pause to miss a chance to be kind/warm to a friend. Go ahead, make her day.
@jillhill (37383)
• United States
27 Aug 12
Thanks.
@donsky14 (5963)
• Philippines
26 Aug 12
I guess its okay to send a birthday card...I mean, she was part of your family before right?
@jillhill (37383)
• United States
27 Aug 12
I am not so sure today if I should,