My best friends simply vanished after marriage :(

@piya84 (2591)
India
September 3, 2012 12:14am CST
I am just not in their list of priority any more.Full time job husband and kid,house and aging parents and they themselves.The end of the list. And i though we are going to be friends forever. I am trying to do things alone but i am not feeling that confident.In last 20 years i am continuously with some one, either friends or my cousins. Today I have decided to go to new coffee shop alone .To sit there confidently and look around towards faces of people,who stare at me,with attitude i dont give it a f*ck. This is my first step toward learning to enjoy life alone. Darn wish me best luck.
3 people like this
49 responses
• Portugal
3 Sep 12
im sorry that you feel that way. im sure that your friends didnt mean that. for sure they want to see you and be friends with you^^ i guess maybe they are just too busy. but im sure you can still visit them and call them. a true friendship never ends. it doesnt matter if they are married now. they wont forget what you are to them. just try to set a date to see them^^ im sure they also miss you. just sometimes we are so busy in our lives that forget important things.
1 person likes this
@piya84 (2591)
• India
5 Sep 12
No they aint doing it purposely.Thats for sure.They are good people.
1 person likes this
• Portugal
17 Sep 12
i guess they just didnt notice. kids give a hard work to their parents and i guess they are so busy with their son that didnt even have time to call you. call them and tell them you miss them^^ im sure they will be happy to hear from you. set a date to see them. you can have dinner with them or something^^
@marguicha (102256)
• Chile
4 Sep 12
How old are you, dear piya? Probably this is a problem that you will have for some time, while your friends have small children. They still love you, but they don´t have time. They probably don´t want to go to a coffee shop without their husband. I wish you luck, but maybe you can still have fun with your old friends by going to their houses, maybe bringing something to eat or drink. They don´t want to feel like prisoners at their own house, but children are demanding.
@piya84 (2591)
• India
5 Sep 12
i have crossed mid twenty.
@WakeUpKitty (8706)
• Netherlands
3 Sep 12
It's normal as soon as you have a steady relationship, are married, or start with children your life is changing. To many it looks great, to most it's kind of mess and they have to learn all over again how to manage with time (mostly women because they are always busy to please others and be there for them). It doesn't mean friendship is over, it does mean you have to plan more and more to meet. Nevertheless it is also normal to go out alone, to make (have) other friends to go out with, share things with. This way you make your life way better. Enjoy the new coffee shop you never know who you meet!
1 person likes this
@piya84 (2591)
• India
5 Sep 12
Its take 2 to tango.My friends are not much eager to go out any more.After hectic day all they want is sit at home,watch tv with popcorn n sleep.
• China
17 Sep 12
hey,honey,I really feel sorry abou this,but it happened,we couldn't change it,and it's really normal,this is life,sometimes you myabe lose a best friend,sometimes you lose a job,it's the same,life is changeful,what you can do is be ready to accept it,then smile seems nothing happen.life is short,we have no much time to make a plaint,so,honey,let it go,make everyday wonderfu.by the way,you are really beautiful if the photo is true!
1 person likes this
@SIMPLYD (83173)
• Philippines
3 Sep 12
There's nothing wrong in eating or sipping coffee alone in those cafes. We all have to have our own space, even if we are already married. I for one, would always eat alone, after i have done my shopping, because i don't want to be bothered by my husband always hurrying me up to shop. I find peace in my solace.
• Kiryat Ata, Israel
5 Sep 12
You have the choice to be alone. You want to be alone for a while because of your husband. Jaiho don't want to be alone but she has no choice. All of her friends are too busy to hang out with her. It reminds me my sister , she is 26+ and still didn't married , some of her friends have married and they barely see each other. My sister still got some friends to have fun with though. She is popular. When I know I can call my friends anytime I want and talk or hang out , it makes me happy. I don't need to see them a lot. I don't always feel the urge to go out. Jaiho probably likes to hang out with friends , but , now she can't.
@SIMPLYD (83173)
• Philippines
5 Sep 12
Jaiho? Is she here in the discussion, my friend?
• Kiryat Ata, Israel
5 Sep 12
I said Jaiho , I mean to Piya , the discussion's starter. Maybe I got confused because of the name I saw under the mylot notification : I get the "mylot digest" and it comes like a list of discussion starters (paragraphs of starts of discussions ) with names under them...
@dpk262006 (56482)
• Delhi, India
6 Sep 12
Hi piya! It is said that man is a social animal, therefore s/he loves to remain in company of others. Our best wishes are always with you. If you feel that you could succeed in living a life without friends and others it will be a great achievement in itself. Let us know what happened.
@piya84 (2591)
• India
7 Sep 12
Trip went ok .Still trying to be comfortable being myself alone there though.I think its going to take some time.
@dpk262006 (56482)
• Delhi, India
12 Sep 12
If you keep going alone, you would develop a habit and you may ultimately like it. All the best.
• United States
5 Sep 12
I feel your pain. Although, I have to say that from personal experience, people have their availability lessen when in a serious relationship or after marriage, but it completely goes downhill when kids come. My husband and I are child-free by choice and it seems that once our friends start having kids, they lose the hobbies and the interests they once had and begin living through their children. They also tend to revolve conversations around their kids and hang out with other parent-buddies, effectively ending any common interests or hobbies we once had together. On the contrary, marriage tends to simply lessen their availability, but the interests, hobbies, and common goals are still there. I think the best way I've found to handle this is simply to respect that people's lives change and develop over time, and there's little a person can do about it. I had a friend who just had a baby in May, and we had spent at least a few hours per week together before her pregnancy. We did everything together, and once she told me she was pregnant, she assured me we were still going to remain as close as before, etc. Because I've been through this before, I took her words with a grain of salt and began to mentally prepare myself for losing her, although I hoped I wouldn't. Here it is in September, and I've only spoken to her twice since the baby was born. She's busy and preoccupied, which I knew she would be, as it's expected. Still, losing a friend that was such a gigantic part of my life for so long after one simple, nine month pregnancy is a bit heart-breaking. I haven't read all of the responses of this thread yet, but I can almost guarantee someone will have said you're selfish for wondering, "What about me?" You're not selfish; you're human. A person's first priorities should be themselves, their spouse, and their children, but that doesn't mean that other people can't feel hurt when they are left behind.
@piya84 (2591)
• India
5 Sep 12
I guess i wasnt really prepared for all this.I am getting married in a year too till then i must deal with this.May be after marriage i will be super busy too with new list of priorities.
@dpk262006 (56482)
• Delhi, India
6 Sep 12
Nice to hear that you will get married soon.
@AmbiePam (50128)
• United States
4 Sep 12
This happens so often. It almost seem automatic. A couple marries and their lives change. Their priorities bend and shift as their lives grow together. Although we can't expect to see our friends as much, under normal circumstances I don't think it's too much to at least maintain a friendship. I've always told myself when I get married to not forget about maintaining my friendships. It's not healthy to lose those I don't think.
@piya84 (2591)
• India
7 Sep 12
I believe in balancing life and giving sme time for relationships.But relationship is two way path.Cant do anything if friends dont have same strategy.
@annavi23 (6306)
• Philippines
8 Sep 12
most people prioritize their family first than friends. depends on how close they are to their frinds aswell. valuing people really is a must for us to become beter person. but not all people do have same strategies about this.
@aparajita (860)
• India
4 Sep 12
I appreciate your take on trying out something alone. Initially, it'll be difficult as u are so used to being with people all the time. Absence of company has hit u no doubt, but it'l disappear, if u decide to proceed further with anything for that matter alone....get going...:)
@annavi23 (6306)
• Philippines
8 Sep 12
sometimes it is sad being alone. feels like there's no one who cares for you. but then, i know it will make us a strong person learning to face life alone and do things our own can somehow help us be more responsible and independent as well. there are times, we have to face life alone for no one can help bt ourselves.
• India
8 Sep 12
At times when u feel sad, just ask yourself, if a situation gone wrong complicated your relationship with your partner or companion, would your mindset be the same, less intense or more?
@inertia4 (27713)
• United States
3 Sep 12
Thats okay. Look, when I was young I always hung out with my cousins. We were always together. Then time went on, one of them got married, I got married, we drifted apart. And I also went through a divorce. So here I am again, alone like I started. But I do have a wonderful girl friend. She is now my best friend. It seems like I came full circle. Being alone is not the worst thing. I know, I have been there and actually enjoyed it. I am sure just because your friend is married with a child does not mean you two cannot get together from time to time. I am sure you will do fine and make new friends. You need to be wi people more like yourself. Single and not looking for marriage or children. You will be fine.
@piya84 (2591)
• India
5 Sep 12
yeha thanks.I am relieve seeing its pretty common and there are other people like me.
1 person likes this
@inertia4 (27713)
• United States
5 Sep 12
Believe me, you're not alone with this situation in this world. You will be fine. You a good looking girl and you will find someone just for you. I also felt like I would never be with someone and would wind up alone. That was years ago. But things did change and get better. Just hang in there, be yourself and enjoy your life.
@freedang (320)
• China
3 Sep 12
hi those things are commen.after all,our friends have their own life.but sometime i would feel heartache just coz i think that my friends dont miss me but i miss them much
@piya84 (2591)
• India
5 Sep 12
yeah!
@piya84 (2591)
• India
5 Sep 12
btw free ding dong .I like your name.
@nupur123 (392)
• Hyderabad, India
9 Sep 12
Same with me as i am also full time busy with doing work for my family . When the morning begins and night end . I simply don't get time for myself. So i decided to join sites like mylot so that i can meet different people and make new friend and so i can fresh my mind.
@piya84 (2591)
• India
9 Sep 12
you are welcome here.
@JenInTN (27565)
• United States
5 Sep 12
Hope that coffee trip went well piya. It is hard when friends get married or tied up in different aspects of their life. It might take a while getting used to doing things on your own...it's not easy after having company for as long as you have..but you will figure out something great for yourself. The good thing is that they are still your friends even though you don't have the time you had before. If you needed them, they would be there for you. Take care.
@piya84 (2591)
• India
7 Sep 12
Trip went well.Not enough comfortable being alone though.
@cerebellum (3871)
• United States
4 Sep 12
It happens all of the time, you are not alone. As people grow their lives change. Things that seemed important when they were younger aren't as important and most people put their family first. I still keep in contact with my friends, but I have to do most of the contact. It is okay to do stuff alone, somethings are even more enjoyable alone. I hate to shop and would rather do it buy myself and get it over with. If someone is with me, they look at things, or go to buy the stuff they want and it takes longer. Good Luck on learning to enjoy being alone!
@piya84 (2591)
• India
7 Sep 12
yeah,same here.We are able to maintain ties because i do all contacting wishing for special days stuff.
@verolop29 (1096)
• United States
4 Sep 12
I wish u the best in moving on with ur life! But I honestly don't think ur alone. I mean when I was in school I had no friends and the weird ppl I hung out with wanted me to join their cult and do bad stuff to good ppl they all had anger and resentment toward the whole world and I didn't want to be part of that so I quit high school and moved onto something more mature like me. A place called job corp. I made a ton of friends there and earned the nickname mamma to my real close friends! When I graduated we all traded email and phone numbers and we cried even the guys!! I still talk to them but we all grew up and started having families and our own personal troubles I guess. I hope ur not one to hold grudges or resentment toward any of ur 'friends' bcuz they don't mean it. I suppose that's when u fully realize who is ur friend and who isn't. It's sad I know but try to move on as best as u can. I wish u the best: ) !!!
@piya84 (2591)
• India
5 Sep 12
I know they are not doing it purposely.
• Philippines
4 Sep 12
I can feel loneliness and emptiness in your discussion piya, yet I believe that it's just a start of a real world or should I say your new world. Friends are always friends as well as family but sometimes in life we have to change the course or direction despite the fact that we don't want it. I think for the first few days, weeks or even month you can feel that but later on your emotion will be matured and you started to be more independent. In that situation you can learn to stand in your own feet (I'm not telling you that you independent to them in terms of living) I'm telling you can stand alone without the presence of your friends yet you can still give inspiration with each other through online communications or phone calls. Hope you can recover that feeling easily and early.
@piya84 (2591)
• India
5 Sep 12
Yeah i am trying to digest this sudden change
@dorannmwin (36698)
• United States
4 Sep 12
It actually doesn't have to be this way. Yes, you are right that you are not the top priority to your best friend anymore because of the fact that they do have a family of their own. However, I have found in my own experiences that the absence of spending as much time together as we used to be able to has been something that has actually made our relationship grow stronger. Besides that, as the small children start to get a little bit older, your friend will start to come into themself again. I know that is the way that things were when my children were little.
@piya84 (2591)
• India
5 Sep 12
I hope that going to happen.
@Jshean20 (14367)
• Canada
4 Sep 12
This is sad but at the same time it really opens your eyes as to who your true friends are. I really believe that good friends are hard to come by, that's why I don't trust many people at all. At the same time we have to understand that just because friends aren't around doesn't mean they don't care, it could also mean that they are insanely busy with life but still think of you often.
@piya84 (2591)
• India
5 Sep 12
you are right.
@missjahn (4578)
• Philippines
4 Sep 12
i felt the same thing too, when my bestfriend got married. of course i cannot insert myself when i have something to do or even wanted to attend important gatherings because she would always said that she is so busy. they had a kid now and of course i know it should be like that (cannot joined us) because she needs to take care of his child first than held with us have fun or laughing boisterously. it hurts but i should understand them triply. well, sometimes she can come along with her husband and kid. but to have everytime bonding, it would be impossible now. one reason too is that both of us have different task to comply and do like of works, schooling and etc. so sometimes, we just chatted and greeting with each of one in fb. saying we missed each other and such. :) thanks for the opportunity to response here
@piya84 (2591)
• India
5 Sep 12
It happens .Thats call life.
• Philippines
4 Sep 12
probably. your friends have life too! and you don't just live this life making out with your previous friends. there are still a lot of people in this world that needs to be friends with. maybe your friends want you to spend more time with your family. in the first place, a family must come first among your priorities. you know friends come and go depending on the situation. you can't just call your friends and hang-out tonight because you just want to. try thinking that they may have other companion that are accessible. make friends with your neighbors. you can spend time with them by learning how to cook foods for your kids and of course your husband. plan a romantic night with your husband. make yourself occupied with your partner because in the end, you choose him as the person you want to spend your life with. so starting today, spend your life together with him. he's gonna be surprise with your actions. make him feel special. and your husband needs pleasure after working so late. in this process, you can think that you're growing together with someone you're meant to grow with and not with your friends. you didn't marry your friends, you married him. make him happy as the best you can do.