He took half of the laundry money without telling me!

United States
October 16, 2012 10:30pm CST
I'll explain. I had about $15 to complete a large amount of laundry at the laundromat, and I had found another dollar in my purse. I wasn't sure exactly how much we'd need, but we really had about 6 or 7 loads if I didn't stuff the washers. I was shocked when I started the third and fourth loads-I was intending to do one last load when I saw I would have only had $2 left to dry everything-and these loads were largely towels and sheets. I did some mental math and realized that I only had $6 to start with and began to search in my purse for the $10 bill. I couldn't find it-and thought perhaps I had lost it somewhere. I asked Jim (my boyfriend) and he said, "Oh, I have it." Excuse me? I said we needed change, but now we're short. He goes in his wallet and gives me $2 to make quarters. So he took $8 for himself, leaving us short and without telling me. This is typical of him. After we took cash out today to pay a bill, I let him know that we still had $95 or so left in our bank account. Today is Tuesday and we don't get paid until NEXT Thursday. That was enough for two tanks of gas. We purchased $45 of gas, and on our way home (to do laundry), Jim suggests we stop for lunch. He's hungry because he didn't eat breakfast at home. I figure we'd be ok, especially since I was paid substantially more than I thought, and said sure. We had a nice lunch, stopped to pick up his tobacco and then went to the laundromat. He didn't eat breakfast at home because he didn't want to get up on time and slept in. And now if we hadn't had that deposit, we'd probably be overdrawn. It keeps happening. I had taken out $20 last week when we got paid to do the laundry, but fortunately, I still had change from the last time I was at the laundromat and was able to do the laundry. When we were out over the weekend, I purchased a small item for him at the store for $5, but figured we'd probably have enough for laundry. He gets $50 a week to spend, but this time we were trying $30 (at his suggestion)-that lasted 3 days. Yes, he spends $10 a day on SODA and crap at work. He gets fed at home. He rolls his own cigarettes at home. I don't know what the heck he buys. And he uses the ATM card for who knows what. So I'm quite frustrated, but after seeing how this is going, I'm seeing who is busting the budget each month. And it upsets me when he gets angry at me for pointing out what should be obvious. I'm frustrated most of all by him actually TAKING the laundry money without telling me. It leads me to believe he's hiding other things from me regarding money. Have any of you experienced something like this, and if you have, how did you handle it?
2 people like this
9 responses
@deazil (4605)
• United States
17 Oct 12
Hi scorp, I live with somebody who can't even manage a nickel. He's wasteful with everything including his money. We do not share bank accounts. What's mine is mine. We have been sharing the same house for 20+ years. I have loaned him money in the past that I will never see again. Now I refuse to pay for anything for him. He works full time. Up until 6-7 years ago he had a really good job and never managed to save anything. He could have saved about $100 a week. Then the place switched over to sales only and he was out of a job. I had to start paying for more things. That put a large dent in my savings. Now, when I need help, do you think he can help me? No, of course not. He changed careers, it took a while but he did get another job. He collected unemployment but I don't know what he did with his money. That was back 6-7 years ago. I was working then. I've been unemployed now since last Oct. 30th. I can manage money very well but it's difficult to say the least. I cringe every time I see him come in the house with groceries because he wastes money. I buy my own food and he buys his. Our money and possessions are totally separate. It has to be this way. If it wasn't he would eat everything I buy and would spend every penny of mine he could get his hands on. Needless to say it's not the ideal situation. But for my part it's called self preservation. And, at this point, if he ever took money from my purse I think I would cut his fingers off.
@deazil (4605)
• United States
18 Oct 12
Good Grief! You have had a time of it. We moved in together because we were a couple - then. Not any more. At any rate, I hate to see you going down the same road. Jim's lack of concern over finances will lead to much trouble for you. We live in a two story house so it's easy for me to avoid him. Plus, he works all day I sleep all day. I usually get up after he's gone to bed. But he spends most of his time upstairs anyway. Good luck, scorp. But I wish you could find a better living arrangement.
• United States
18 Oct 12
The sad part is that I still love him, but I'm pretty sure that I'm not IN love with him. I really thought I was over the last guy-we were together seven years, but never lived together. And when he called a few months back and left me a message, it's stirred up all sorts of things. I really want to be married. I want to be part of a loving relationship, but Jim doesn't seem to have learned ANYTHING from his first three marriages! I know he loves me, but it seems as if its really a school-boy type of love versus a man loving a woman. I don't think he'd be able to care for me long-term, and to be honest, that's what I need, especially with an unpredictable, chronic disease like multiple sclerosis. It's frustrating, being so isolated here, but that's part of the reason I went to real estate school-I've got to bring in more money than I can possibly earn with merchandising. I've been horribly underpaid my entire working adult life (outside of my first job), and now that retirement is looming, I am now scrambling. My first task is to get going to the insurance office so that I can pick up the car insurance declaration page I need to provide to the real estate broker.
@deazil (4605)
• United States
22 Oct 12
Oh, scorp, I wish I could help you. I can't even help myself. I think Jim is too immature. He sort of reminds me of myself - irresponsible. He won't wake up until it's too late. Like me. And I don't think that he will ever be able to give you the help you need. I am having so many financial problems right now. It's funny you mentioned merchandising. That's the kind of job I'm looking for. Can't something happen with you and your ex? He called you. Maybe he's rethinking things? You've been through so much and you're so strong. I admire you for who you are and what you've done. I really do. I just feel my self sinking. I think of what I was and where I am now and it makes me so sad. But you're doing really good with the real estate thing. That's something you have that's solid. Something you can grab onto. I'm like floating in a sea, there's nothing left to grab at. I think the first, most important thing is to stabilize your self financially. Open your own private checking account if you can. Part of my problem is that Bob - the idiot - was never financially responsible. Now I'm stuck, partly because of that. I would have answered sooner but I wasn't getting the notifications until probably the day after you posted your reply. Please let me know how things go with you. You can always PM me. I don't like saying a lot of my personal things in an open forum like this. But anyway, this is about YOU not ME I hope things will come together for you. You're definitely on the right track. And you still have years on your side. I don't. So gather yourself up and get ready to do battle! With life. With whatever gets in your way. You can do it.
@GardenGerty (91164)
• Marion, Kansas
17 Oct 12
We have some issues, but hubby would never go in my purse, even if I tell him to. I have some complaints, but we will get them taken care of. We are working on a budget. Everything extra seems to go on the cars, or extra cars and that makes me sad, as the house needs a lot of fixing. I told him last week that I was considering getting my own bank account at a bank he does not even use. Neither of us ever uses an ATM card. He gets social security, and had a job interview today. I work very part time. On the other hand I have a friend whose hubby is like your Jim, and I really feel sorry for her. He will pull money out as long as the ATM says that there is any there. Leading to overdrafts when the checks that have been written hit. Grrrr.
@GardenGerty (91164)
• Marion, Kansas
18 Oct 12
No, I do not think he is in the same state as you. He bought a house and they got married. He actually makes enough money if he would just tweak his habits a bit. She does some merchandising and sells crafts.
• United States
20 Oct 12
I was only kidding. Jim actually is another version of my ex-husband-learned that last night while reflecting on some things. And that isn't good. Jim has the potential, but he's unwilling or unable to make some necessary changes at this time.
1 person likes this
@GardenGerty (91164)
• Marion, Kansas
20 Oct 12
I think typing and talking things out can be very revealing.
@Paper_Doll (2376)
• Philippines
17 Oct 12
My husband never took money from me without my knowledge. It is I who do that occasionaly if I need to buy something important at home. Upon reading your post, I felt guilty of spending $12 for lunch yesterday and thought about how we struggle financially lately. You and Jim should seat for a while and talk about this as it is hard to have issues with money in a relationship. You should tell him how you see things and know what his opinion about it. Communication is important in any relationship. If it needs some adjustments, you guys should be open to that as it really takes two to tango. Your relationship won't work if it is only you who would exert effort for it.
• United States
17 Oct 12
Every time I've tried to sit down and talk to him, he starts mentally shutting off. In his previous relationship, he allowed his wife to take care of him financially. She earned at least twice what he did, and he just went along with it. I can see how frustrated she was with his spending, not that she was any better, but once bad habits start, it is difficult to break them. I just don't like having nothing to show for working hard-when I was working, I was paying for my car insurance, the cell phones and other bills of mine. If I didn't have the money, I wasn't getting something. Unfortunately, Jim became accustomed to throwing it on a credit card but didn't think about paying the bill since his ex took care of the bills. I've told him that we need to be on the same page about our finances, and he'll smile, nod and go "yeah, yeah"-and then do his own thing. We're supposed to be getting married, but I've already told him that if he doesn't get his financial situation straightened out, I'm NOT marrying him. My first husband bankrupted me-I'm not going to let Jim do the same to me.
• Philippines
19 Oct 12
I don't know if I am at the right position to tell you this but the way I see things, I think you need to wait for a while and think things over before you decide to marry Jim. He should fix his own personal issues first. Don't let him put you in the same situation where you at before. We should learn from our experiences in the past right? It is just right that you tell him to fix himself financially as this is very important. We cannot live by just love alone. I think that he's not taking things seriously. If he will continue to behave that way, I don't think he deserves you or to be married with you. It is like taking a huge stone and hitting yourself with it. Isn't he happy with his life? Maybe you can ask him what exactly he wants to do with his life? He maybe having some personal issues that he can't tell anyone even you. There could be many reasons why guys act that way so it is important that you can let him open himself and his heart to you. That is important as you have already plans of getting married.
• United States
20 Oct 12
Paper_Doll, You are just reinforcing what I've been thinking about the last couple of months-I'm not sure that I want to marry him. There's been a lot of little things that I'm not seeing any improvement. I already told him that I'm not marrying him if he doesn't straighten up his financial situation-and I've been trying to give him opportunities to fix it. He just gets so angry because currently I'm not working (regularly, I do have three jobs), and just keeps telling me to "Get a job!" in this really angry voice. I've been handling the money that does come in-and bills are getting paid, although their HIS bills and not mine. So my credit is totally wrecked and will continue to sink unless I do something (and that's why I'm in real estate school). I know he carries a lot from his past, and refuses to let that stuff go. And I'm sure there is more that he's not telling me, but frankly, from what I've seen, it appears that if I did marry Jim, I'd be almost marrying my ex-husband! We come from different backgrounds-my mother worked as did my father; his mother stayed home but his father worked. I was also single for about eight years, and really had to be creative with my finances; he's almost always in a relationship and has had someone else to fall back on. And because I'm not working right now, I'm trying to handle the finances the way I did when it was me and my daughter. It involves sacrifice, even if it's for a short time, but he's unwilling to try it. I've even begun to think about life without him...last night we had a nasty fight before he left for work. That's when I had my ah-ha moment and realized I'd be marrying my ex-husband all over again. That was 12 1/2 years of mental and emotional abuse, and frankly, I'm not the young girl I was when I married. I'm making plans, but hopefully it won't be another 12 years before they get executed.
• China
17 Oct 12
Two people toghther is not easy. Not any good solution but talk to him seriously. If both of you can come to an agreement, that would be good, try to follow your convention. If this convention is just oral, the convention will not last long. So try to form a paper convention, both of you can rule: if anybody break the convention, he/she should be punished. If you can reach such an agreement and perform in your life. Maybe that would be help. Good luck!
• United States
18 Oct 12
I never thought about putting it down on paper, but I think you're on to something! I'll write down our bills (as they are), and demonstrate how his taking money from a particular task (in this case, laundry) could hurt us both. Thanks for the idea-I'll try it out this weekend!
@Tongcv (173)
• China
17 Oct 12
Did not come across,which is rare.
• United States
18 Oct 12
Then you are most fortunate. I don't know how I keep attracting men that cannot take care of themselves that then want to be a permanent part of my life.... My first fiance, Rob, was good at doing what needed to be done, and he would have probably been a good provider, had he told his mother that we were planning to marry. And my last partner, Ed, demonstrated that he was able to take care of his family (even if some of those activities weren't totally legit), but it turned out that he had another family to take care of and that's why we didn't live together. My mother had told me (but not my sister) to "never rely on a man to take care of me", and boy, was she right!
@natliegleb (5188)
• India
17 Oct 12
that is horrible,i have never ever encountered such kind of situation,but that is quite horrible.talk to him again
• United States
18 Oct 12
I've tried to explain to him how it affected US, but he just looks right through me when I approach it that way. That was my second option-the first one I used was just to yell at him for taking the money without thinking about anyone else. I guess he feels that because he's the only one working, that it's only HIS money. Well, we'd probably not have had it if I hadn't been smart enough to stash money in my purse all week!
• Australia
17 Oct 12
I had a wife once, number 1 of 4, who used to say, "What's mine is mine, and what's yours is mine." I think a lot of people see it this way. Lash
• United States
17 Oct 12
You're right Lash. I don't have a problem about sharing STUFF, but I do have a problem with taking on someone's foolish financial problems. I wish that he would own up to his problems and take care of them-I'm done raising my kid and I don't intend to start over.
• United States
17 Oct 12
Recently,my man had a grand in his account and less than two weeks later he was broke an neeed money I did not think about it and gave him $200 and the very next day I see his gas tank on empty. I never ever go in his pockets or his phone for that matter. well,when he went in the shower I checked his pockets. he had three dollars in there. so,I said nothing and waited then he aske me for $2. to buy something from the store. I cursed his zz out like the world was coming to an end. I tol him if I fin out he is cheating on me and taking care of another woman and her chil I will slice his azz up. I went on to make my point clear and then he told me his friend has some money troubles an he has been helping him out. well,I told him he better make sure I see our money in this house n he had better stop taking care of grown people who have their own lives. well,so far so good he is home early for the most part. last night I was ging to punch his lights out thinking he would be out all night. but,shortly after I was waiting he got home.
• United States
18 Oct 12
Why was Adrian secretly helping his friend? I mean, shouldn't he be focusing on his OWN household? I thought your money troubles were over once your daughter left...
@padu19 (1441)
• India
17 Oct 12
I have not faced such situations yet. However, if I were you, I would have discussed with him on this as long as he realises. I would demand him to be transparent with his expenditures, as it is impacting my survival also.
• United States
17 Oct 12
I was quite upset and told him how he cannot continue to take $50 a week for just himself because that is money that is coming out of our grocery budget. But he just looks at me blankly, or starts telling me I need to get a job, rather than try to work WITH me on this issue. I've been out of work for three months now, but I went to real estate school and still need to complete one more test before I can begin the final process to be licensed. I also have a very sporadic part time job, and I was paid yesterday, but that money is spoken for. I've been trying hard to be patient with him-when I go shopping, I try to purchase foods that he likes. If I purchase a cup of rice pudding, he'll eat it all in one sitting, rather than have the portion size. Meanwhile, I have a dental issue that needs to be taken care of, and I end up eating soft foods like peanut butter sandwiches, eggs salad, or scrambled eggs. Its almost as if he just doesn't get what's going on here, and frankly, I'm tired of it. You are very fortunate to have not gotten into this sort of a problem. Money issues are the leading cause of divorce here in the USA.