My mom is too supportive of my brother... he's not growing up!

@laydee (12814)
Philippines
November 5, 2012 4:02am CST
My eldest brother is about a year ahead of me. We have all finished college and have the capacity to find means for funds. He is married now with 2 kids but because of some problems this past year, they've separated, and he has lost his job. Now, he does a job or two (and he can find one if he really wanted). But most of the time he stays home to play videogames. Anyhow, he had a job that paid good last Saturday-Sunday. And now, I was telling him that I needed the money for his phone (we're a bundled plan) and he told me he'd give it to me once he returned home. Then when I came home and asked for it, he told me that our mom volunteered to pay for him instead. When I asked why, he shrugged and didn't know why. This isn't the first time my mom did this. But surprisingly, he only does this to my eldest brother. I don't see the point in her volunteering because he does have money (he just got paid last weekend!). I guess this is the reason why he's not motivated to earn for himself. My mom always has his back. Am I the only one who sees something wrong with this scenario?? My mom tells me that I am just envious, and tells me that my brother just needs support these days. It was okay if he was the one who told and asked her to pay for him as a loan, but when she volunteers, I think it's a different story. What do you think?
2 people like this
8 responses
@jureathome (5363)
• Philippines
5 Nov 12
I can understand why your mother is doing that. I, too, have a similar situation with my mother and brother. It kills me to see how my mother always gives in to his request and always running to help him when he's in trouble. And, I really think she is spoiling him and not helping him learn how to stand on his own. But, as a mother, its not easy for her to just let him be with his immaturity. As for your situation, your brother went through something very devastating so your mother is cutting him some slack on life. But, there has to be an end to that, too. Guidance and support is what he needs to be able to stand up again and move on with his life.
2 people like this
@laydee (12814)
• Philippines
6 Nov 12
Well.. I would love to agree about my mother trying to give him some slack. But if this case always happens to him (failing at some point) then she's partly to be blamed. First, he cheated on his wife and bluntly told her that he never loved her in the first place - thus, the separation. Second, he got fired from the job because of immorality because he cheated his wife (working in the same company) with a person who is also working in the same company. So, I don't think that life threw him lemons, I think he got the lemons himself. Further, it has always been like that with my mother. Even when we're younger and in college, she would give her full support in assistance with him but doesn't really give that much effort to my other siblings. Anyhow, it's really sad that there is favoritism. But I hold no grudge against my mom, I just don't know why she's doing that if it means that he (my brother) would never be able to stand on his own two feet. Thanks for the response, have a great mylot experience ahead!
• Philippines
6 Nov 12
I think I understand your story better now and why you feel bad about what your mom is doing for your brother. I didn't get that he was the one who cheated on his wife. I wouldn't appreciate it either, if my mother would tolerate such actions. Don't you want to talk to your mother about it? Or, perhaps you already did but nothing happened.
1 person likes this
@ludihu (37)
• China
5 Nov 12
well. I totally understand your feeling. I myself got a older brother, divorced, with two children. My mom supported him for years, and I believe she will keep doing it in her whole life. I think this could be part of the reason that he was so easy to end his marrage. I used to think it like you do noe. But I did not do it anymore. Now, I understand that perhaps some mothers are prefer boys and others are prefer girls. Because some of my friends have the opposite experiences. So, take it easy. someday, maybe your mom will realize what your brother really need.
2 people like this
@laydee (12814)
• Philippines
6 Nov 12
The problem here is that he's not the only brother I have. I have two other brothers who are not getting the same treatment. I mean, I don't mind because I'm the only daughter and my father is really supportive of me (but I never take them forgranted nor do I rely on him all the time). The problem I see here is the fact that my mother is obviously preferring him over my other brothers. I know they're envious but I always try to give them attention so that they wouldn't feel as bad. Thanks for the response, have a great mylot experience ahead!
• United States
5 Nov 12
It is sad that your mom is helping your brother out, but not you. I know the feeling because my mom does the same thing for my sister. My sister always relies on my mom to babysit the kids all the time which is unfair because there have been times when I have wanted to do something with my mom and my mom always calls and says sorry hon, but I need to babysit the kids. My sister works all the time and rarely does she spend time with her kids. I know money is important, but her kids should be the top priority. My sister lives with her boyfriend and he helps her with all the bills and buys the kids half their Christmas gifts and yet my mom buys the kids presents as well. Randy had lost his job and now cannot work at all. He was collecting unemployment when we first moved down here and all my mom could say well you owe us money for the gas, electricity, and water (she expected Randy and I to pay for all the bills when there were nine people living there and I know we were not the only ones who used electricity, water and gas) and we bought food for the whole family and cooked six days a week. Now we have our own place and things are great. My brother lives with us and pays the bills and we pay the rent. My brother and I take turns cooking and we all clean.
2 people like this
@laydee (12814)
• Philippines
5 Nov 12
I am sad that you're in the same situation. I just don't see the point in them obviously trying to show everyone else (of the children) that they (parents) prefer someone not everyone. My question to you is, is she (sister) the eldest child? My brother is the eldest and my mom has more affection to him. Though yes, she does try to keep things fair, but it's pretty obvious who's the favorite. But she denies it and even go through lengths nagging me whenever I show her that she does have preferences. Anyhow, I am not really jealous about it. I'm just asking why? I mean, I'm not jealous because at least I could stand on my own two feet and my other brothers are also trained to be self-sufficient. It's just sad that I can't motivate our eldest brother to be independent. Worst, is the fact that he knows he's the favorite and instead of being the "good one" he is the one who's bringing all the problems in the family. Tsk. Tsk. Tsk. Thanks for the response, have a great mylot experience ahead!
1 person likes this
@doroffee (4230)
• Hungary
5 Nov 12
I think it's weird, too. Don't take offense with this question, I'm not necessarily eager to diss your mom, but has she always preferred your brother over you? Because I know about cases when moms tend to prefer the boys better, because they are the males (well, even in my family, my mom cares about my brother and his needs more)... or it could be that she still thinks that he's in danger and wants to avoid it, even though your brother has the money. I would ask your mom again that since when it is fair that she pays for your brother, who has the money, and not you.
2 people like this
@laydee (12814)
• Philippines
5 Nov 12
I think she had always preferred my brother most. I'm not offended because I'm the only daughter and I have two other brothers. It bothers me because she's not like that with me nor my other brothers (who are all younger than me). I sometimes think that she's taking too much on his side and doesn't see that she's actually not helping by being there all the time for him. But well, I have decided not to say something tonight (to her about the situation) and I guess I shouldn't say anything anymore because we'll just end up fighting. It's her money and it's her decision. I can't do anything anymore if she wants my eldest brother to be weak. Thanks for the thoughts. By the way, does this ever happen to your family?
1 person likes this
• Romania
6 Nov 12
This situation is very unfair and the only black sheep I am seeing here is your brother. I appologize for my response, but you can't do anything because if you take some harsh actions, as you should, you'll end up causing fights. And, believe me, you will never be victorious in this fights. I wish you patience and the power to be an example!
@laydee (12814)
• Philippines
14 Nov 12
True. That's why I stopped fighting and telling her about it. I think she already knows these things. But she just can't accept it in her system. So, now, I just type my anger away instead of blurting it all out. At least this way, there's no problem in the family and the ties is intact, and at least I got somewhere to just type it all and relieve myself from the stress. Thanks for the response, have a great mylot experience ahead!
@shaggin (37313)
• United States
5 Nov 12
Sometimes people baby their children so much even adult children and it causes them to not act like an adult and learn to be independant. My sister has 3 kids and has no job and lives with my parents. I dont see her ever learning to be independant. I think its going to be a big problem someday. I do think its nice of your mother to help your brother out right now but she needs to make him pay him back if not he wont learn you know.
1 person likes this
@laydee (12814)
• Philippines
6 Nov 12
That's the point, she doesn't make him pay her back and worst, she supports him even if he has income. There even came a point when she'd give child support for him - which is crazy. Whew! But heck, I always tell my brother that he should be greatful and should understand that when my parents gets old, he should support them because they have more invested in him than any of us - well that's only a threat but I am going to support my parents as well.
@Naseem00 (1998)
• Pakistan
6 Nov 12
I think this is somehow unfair to you but there are many mothers who feel like your mother does towards their first child. We can say it is natural and some women tend to 'baby' their first child even when he is an adult. I have seen people getting spoiled due to this and wish for your brother to be able to take care of his need by himself.
1 person likes this
@bellis716 (4806)
• United States
7 Nov 12
Your mother is what is called an enabler. He'll never grow up as long as she keeps doling out the money. I see the same thing next door. The wife's youngest, a 21 year old boy, lives at home and contributes nothing to the family income. He was supposed to move out several times but always, conveniently, lost his job. It's going to be hard for him to get a good paying job, as he has developed a reputation as being unreliable. Stepfather is getting tired of the child's games. I fear for their marriage.