What would you do?

November 13, 2012 4:33pm CST
My partner of 8 years, the father of my 3 children, doesn't like me spending time with single male friends. This bugs me at the best of times, because it implies he doesn't trust me or my friends. Usually I try to keep the peace, but now one of my male friends has hit an all time low. He feels completely alone. I honestly think he is on the brink of suicide. I want to make time to see him once a week, just some time for 2 friends to spend together, so he doesn't feel abandoned. I know my partner will have a problem with this, but what sort of a friend would I be if I said, not my problem, and turned my back on him? Would I be wrong to go on my gut feeling and maybe save a life?
3 people like this
13 responses
@doroffee (4233)
• Hungary
14 Nov 12
I would try to talk to your husband about this again. They are your FRIENDS, and that hurts you if he wants to tear them from you, just because he's jealous... you could also ask whether he trusts me, or if not, why. I wouldn't leave a friend all alone, when he really needs support now.
2 people like this
@franseman (517)
• Philippines
14 Nov 12
What does he thinks he owns you?? Having difficulties with some situations is one thing but getting possessive then.....no way! You're very right to see your friend. It means you care about others. Who can be mad about that?
2 people like this
@choybel (5059)
• Philippines
14 Nov 12
I think it would have been okay if it wasn't a constant visit, something like once or twice. Put yourself in his position and try to see it his way or try to ask yourself, would it be okay for you if your partner would visit a female friend and spend some quality time with that friend every week? If you have no objections to that question then I think you are a better partner than he is. I guess you just have to understand that this is a common situation and must not really take it as a sign of not trusting you or your friend, it's probably just instinct or whatever term that could fit the definition.
1 person likes this
15 Nov 12
I haven't been to see him yet at all. Would like to see him regularly. I would be happy for him to come to our house but my partner wouldn't. He doesn't want visitors but doesn't want me to go see my friends either
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@choybel (5059)
• Philippines
15 Nov 12
In that case, I think it's a bit extreme. Maybe you should try talking to him about this. It would be a bad idea to go behind his back, meeting your friend without his consent because if he finds out it could really cause a lot of trouble. Maybe if you talk to him about how you feel about this he might understand.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
14 Nov 12
Your husband maybe anticipating bad things that might happen if you will hang out with your single male friend. If your husband want to help, you can bring him with you. Sometimes our husbands get jealous and possessive. They own us and they still think of unnecessary things. I hope your friend will be okay and able to overcome what's he undergoing at the moment. Goodluck. I hope you can help your friend.
1 person likes this
15 Nov 12
Ok first - NOBODY "owns" me. Second, my partner isn't interested in meeting my friends. Its his problem, not mine.
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• Philippines
15 Nov 12
Oh, okay. NOBODY owns you. Sorry for that. Yeah, I guess it's his problem anyway. Thanks for the comment. Happy mylotting.
1 person likes this
• Jacksonville, Florida
14 Nov 12
On this particular issue I think your partner is a little jealous. Like you have said plenty of times he refuses to go with you anywhere to meet them and feel more comfortable with them. It sounds like it's his problem, not yours. If my husband does not feel comfortable with someone he goes with me to meet them so he can trust everything is okay. If everything is okay he is cool with them hanging around... I think your friend really needs you and you should go to him to make sure he is okay. Your partner will get over it OR end it, which means it was not meant to be in the first place. I hope your friend is okay!
1 person likes this
15 Nov 12
My friend just needs to know someone is there for him. And I'll show him that I am. If my partner can't deal with that, he's immature and selfish.
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• Jacksonville, Florida
15 Nov 12
I agree with you, it is immature and selfish!
1 person likes this
• United States
13 Nov 12
I can understand why your partner gets a little upset with you spending time with single male friends. My boyfriend is the same way and I'm like that too. It's not that I don't trust him, I'm just uncomfortable with the idea and don't know how the girl would act. HOwever, I do think it's a bit different if it's a friend you've known for years and possibly hung out with while your partner was around. That's a bit different from just meeting someone after you've already been with your partner and you just hang out alone. I know I'd be a little uncomfortable if my boyfriend was to hang out with a single girl. But if you think your friend is in trouble, then maybe explain the situation to your partner and let him know how worried you are about your friend. Hopefully he'd understand and be ok with you hanging out with this guy friend a few times just to make sure he's doing ok.
1 person likes this
13 Nov 12
I tried but he's not really hearing me. He's too hung up on the SINGLE MALE FRIEND thing to really listen. I am going to see my friend anyway. He needs me and I will never turn away from a friend in need. I'll deal with the consequences later.
1 person likes this
• United States
13 Nov 12
For some reason I just think that's the way guys are. The guy could be 100% gay and husbands/boyfriends will still get hung up on the single male part of things lol. Is there any way you could get your partner involved with your friend too? Maybe he'd feel better about your friend if you all hung out together a few times. When you do go see your friend, make sure you're honest with your partner and don't try to hide anything from him because that'll only make him more suspicious and make the situation worse. I hope everything ends up working out for you and your friend is ok
• United States
14 Nov 12
This is something that my husband is against. I use to have a lot of male friends, but no longer do because my husband did not want me hanging out with them. It is understandable that your partner does not like this especially when you male friends are single. I believe it is very important that your male friend has someone to talk to during his low times, so I would invite him to your house with your partner. Maybe your partner and your friend can become friends.
1 person likes this
@sid556 (31018)
• United States
14 Nov 12
Hi Marianne, I think it is a pretty common problem. I have a lot of guy friends and most of the guys that I have dated have had an issue with this also. It's a tough situation for sure. I will NOT give up any of my friends...male or female for any guy. Guys come and go. So do some friends but some friends stick around forever and help us get through tough times. That being said, I have to say that I do respect the feelings of a person that I'm with even if I don't agree. I would NOT go out anywhere alone with a male friend knowing that it might cause my partner to feel worried or upset. I care more about my relationship than to deliberatly do anything that would bring possible problems to it. Truthfully, none of my male friends would put me in a spot that could be questioned either. When I am not in a relationship, they stop by for coffee, a drink or to play cribbage or just hang out. We go out to lunch etc....all platonic. When I'm in a relationship, that all stops. We talk sometimes on the computer or phone and if they stop by, it is only when the person I am seeing is here. How about inviting your friend over for dinner with you and your partner? After dinner, he could go in the next room and let the two of you talk. I can't condone you lying to him for any reason. If he won't agree to having this friend over to your home and if you feel strongly that you need to see your friend then you have to stand up to him and tell him that he just has to deal with it and hope for the best.
1 person likes this
@marguicha (80215)
• Chile
14 Nov 12
How about you two (you and your partner) try to help out your friend? This is something you have to talk about with him, telling him the special reasons in this case. I have discovered that many men are not jealous becaus they have doubts about you, but they would not like you to have a bad experience with another guy.
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@kokomo (1868)
• Philippines
14 Nov 12
I can sense that your hubby has an attitude of being jealous. And he is not very open minded of you in terms of befriending guys.For you to be able to help your friend, I think you can ask for help for someone or to your other common friend. Explain well to your hubby about your guy's condition and for him to be relieved you must look for another common friend of yours to accompany you to be with your guy friend. It might help to resist jealousy of your husband to your guy friend.
1 person likes this
@Mavic123456 (7910)
• Thailand
14 Nov 12
Talk to your husband, introduce your friends, male and female. It's been 8 years he should have trusted you now. Why not ask him to be with you when you talk to this friend who is in trouble now. It's a win - win situation. And who knows since its a male problem your partner might be able to answer and help him in a way to. what do you think.
1 person likes this
14 Nov 12
I would go and see my friend if i thought he was in danger of hurting himself whether my man liked it or not. Friends are always there for each other and if theres no trust in the relationship than its not a good relationship. your man should be able to trust u not to do anything with these single guy friends u have.
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@jenny1015 (13394)
• Philippines
14 Nov 12
It is difficult for a guy to accept the fact that his partner is close to someone of the opposite gender. Not really saying that you might have an affair with another guy, but they would just want us to be spared of being treated "unlikely". Honestly, I have close friends who are guys, but since I know that my husband would not approve of me having conversations with them. You just don't dump a friendship, right? So, I guess, the best way is to remain friends and just give him a call or send him a message that you are trying to your best to be there for him but also you have a husband that you have to worry about.
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