If you were the one left behind
By dorannmwin
@dorannmwin (36392)
United States
December 3, 2012 9:55pm CST
The other night, my husband started a discussion with me about what would become of him if something were to happen to me. I mean, it is inevitable, eventually, one of the two of us will pass away and leave the other as a widow or widower. What I was really interested to see was the fact that our views of being a widow/widower were very different.
You see, my mother has been a widow since I was fourteen years old, it has been almost eighteen years since my father passed away. In these past eighteen years, she has had two serious relationships with other men. The first was basically a user and I've never been so happy as I was when she got rid of him. However, the man that she has now been seeing for the past almost six years is a great man. He treats her well and has brought her back to life in a way that I never imagined that she would ever be after Dad died.
My view has always been that if I was to end up a widow, I would eventually move on with my life and I would possibly even get married again (of course that would depend a lot on situations). I learned that my husband's view is that the widow/widower should live the rest of their life in celibacy waiting until the time of their death when they would be reunited with their beloved.
This really got me to wondering what kinds of views that other individuals have. Now, I'm not going to say that either opinion is the right one or the wrong one, they are simply opinions and everyone does have one. If you were the one to be left on this earth, would you love again in this life or would you grieve for your loved one until the day that your life ended and you were reunited with that person's spirit again? Why do you feel the way that you feel about this?
6 people like this
12 responses
@angelkarah050182 (4980)
• Philippines
4 Dec 12
We were able to talk about this before and my husband asked me not to marry again if ever he'd die first. I guess I don't want to see myself with another man. For him, he won't also marry. I guess we can't really decide now. There's always some changes. Then there was another time that he told me that I should marry when he's already gone. I can't understand him. I thought he was going to die that time. He was like bidding goodbye to me. I guess I can stay single for the rest of my life.
2 people like this
@angelkarah050182 (4980)
• Philippines
5 Dec 12
Yes, I guess he has to respect your choice. It's his to choice not to remarry so if you want to remarry then he has to accept it. I guess it'll be another chapter of your life if ever that will happen. His chapter will be closed and you have to open a new one. Of course, your marriage with him will always be in your memory and no one could ever replace it. Having someone with you let you feel secured so he should understand you and he should be thankful too if someone's going to watch over you and love you.
1 person likes this
@dorannmwin (36392)
• United States
6 Dec 12
I really feel like that is the least that he could do for me if the time comes that he knows his life will soon end would be to give me his blessing to move on in my life.
1 person likes this
@dorannmwin (36392)
• United States
5 Dec 12
When we had this discussion the other night, I told Tom that I actually respect the decision that he has made for himself. However, for me, I feel like the decision that I need to make for myself in that situation is very different because I can't see myself going through the rest of my life without someone right there by my side.
1 person likes this
@jeztrose (1405)
• Philippines
4 Dec 12
I think it really depends on the person, well if will become a widow i don't really know what would happen next,i don't know if i can get over with him or not, but since i am too young, there is a possibility that i will marry again (if i can move on).And it also depend on my son if he could let me marry another and have a step father.
@dorannmwin (36392)
• United States
5 Dec 12
Well, being that I grew up in a household where my father was gone from the time that I was pretty young, I wouldn't want to put my children in that kind of a situation. I know that there is someone that would love to be a father to the children if their father was gone somewhere out there. Besides that, I am still really young and I wouldn't want to have to go through the next 40-50 years of my life alone.
1 person likes this
@jeztrose (1405)
• Philippines
6 Dec 12
Yeah life is really incomplete without one of our parents, at the same time it is hard for us to be alone all those years. I guess remarrying is the best way for that,it doesn't really mean that when you got married again all those memories of the past and the feeling will truly be gone, it still be there and always will be.
@dorannmwin (36392)
• United States
6 Dec 12
I definitely agree with you in saying that the feelings and memories of the past will never go away. However, I think that when you are involved in a new relationship that the pain would be something that would be easier to deal with.
@savypat (20216)
• United States
4 Dec 12
I am a lot older than you, so I have a different point of view. I have never lived alone, always someone else has required my attention and any alone time I found was a very great treat. If I am left alone there is no way I can tell how I would like it or hate it. Life will bring what it does and I will cope. Blessings
2 people like this
@dorannmwin (36392)
• United States
5 Dec 12
I do think that age differences do have a large impact on what a person would do if something like this were to happen to them. I am only to think from the point of view of a younger wife and mother knowing that I probably have at least another 40-50 years in front of me.
If I was in my fifties or sixties, I believe that my point of view would be a lot different than it is right now.
1 person likes this
@trisha27 (3494)
• United States
4 Dec 12
I think that you are right that it depends all on the situation. Like maybe the age of the widow or widower. My husband told me if he were to die before me, then he would want me to eventually go on with my life. You know, hopefully find someone that will make me just as happy as he did. But I don't know how easy that would be for me, you know. I think it would take some time, but because that was his wishes I would go on with my life in hopes of someone else coming in my life one day. After some time. I told my husband the same thing too, if I were to die before him, then I too would want him to move on and hopefully find someone else as well. But like I said I think it too also depends on age and everything. Like an older person may not want to be with anyone else and just wait for that time when they could be reunited with the person that they love. Although, you never know, some older people do find that someone while being widowed and remarry and live a happy life until its their time to go.
2 people like this
@dorannmwin (36392)
• United States
5 Dec 12
My father always wanted my mother to move on with her life if something was to happen to him to the point that after my little sister was born and my parents decided that they didn't want any more children, my father said that he would get a vasectomy as opposed to my mother having a tubal. The reason that he gave her was that way if anything should ever happen to him (which it did), she would be able to have another baby with her partner after he was gone.
1 person likes this
@katie0 (5203)
• Japan
4 Dec 12
That is not a pretty picture, not an easy thing in life. I don't know if it happened in other reincarnation but I feel like I know the feeling. In the beginning it might seem like the world crumbled down and for years all one must do is to pick up the pieces. I know everything in life it's a matter of getting used to, but definitely not easy.
2 people like this
@dorannmwin (36392)
• United States
5 Dec 12
I know that I would feel like the world had caved in around me if anything should happen to my husband. However, I also know that the time would eventually come where I would pick up the pieces of my life and I would move on with my life.
@ShyBear88 (59282)
• Sterling, Virginia
5 Dec 12
I believe in though you might lose the love your life that they would want you to be happy. So I would assume if my husband passed away he would want me to find someone other guy in my own time when I'm ready if I ever find another that I could love and I might not ever love that guy like I love my husband but if he made me happy I know that is what my husband would want even if we where just friends.
1 person likes this
@dorannmwin (36392)
• United States
6 Dec 12
You see, I think it would be very important after the loss of a spouse to be able to find someone that you could have in your life that would be able to make you feel happy again.
@dorannmwin (36392)
• United States
7 Dec 12
It's really funny because the idea that I've got for a book that I want to write is something similar to this situation. It is a widowed woman who wants her children to have a father. She goes to her best male friend and asks him if he would adopt the children without having an intimate relationship with the woman.
Of course once the book is written, there will be twists and turns.
1 person likes this
@ShyBear88 (59282)
• Sterling, Virginia
6 Dec 12
I agree even if it means that they are not your husband or boy friend but a friend that is alwyas there for you that is still better then being alone raising your kids to know that there is someone other then family there for you. Moving on is important part of healing.
1 person likes this
@jaiho2009 (39142)
• Philippines
11 Dec 12
I am not a widower but have been living a life in celibacy for almost 7 years now.
I haven't consider dating or having a new relationship for many reasons.
- I have three kids and I don't want my kids to get involved in any case my new relationship won't last.
But now my kids are grown ups and I guess 7 years is enough for me to grow more matured.
Now I am looking for the possibility of meeting someone...but still there is a little fear if there's still true love waiting for me.
@dorannmwin (36392)
• United States
13 Dec 12
I do think that the experiences that we've had in our lives do have a significant impact on what we would do with these kinds of situations in our lives.
If you are looking into the possibility of meeting someone new in your life, I believe that love will find you if it is meant to be.
@jenny1015 (13366)
• Philippines
4 Dec 12
Hello, dorannmwinn!
I haven't really though about that until now. But I guess, it is hard to tell for me as of now. Coz being in another relationship would depend on whatever circumstances I am in at that time.
I haven't really though about that until now. But I guess, it is hard to tell for me as of now. Coz being in another relationship would depend on whatever circumstances I am in at that time. 1 person likes this
@dorannmwin (36392)
• United States
5 Dec 12
I see what you mean because on the one hand I don't believe that I would ever find another person that would treat me the way that my husband treats me. However, on the other hand, I don't think that I would want to live for 40-50 years without the companionship that I've been able to have with my husband.
@LovingMyBabies (85127)
• Valdosta, Georgia
13 Dec 12
My opinion right now is I would never want anyone else in my life after my husband passes... But I say that right now while he is still here with me. I cannot imagine my life without him by my side. I have no idea how I will feel years down the road, maybe I will change my mind. Right now I feel like he is the only one that completes me...
My husband feels the same way. He swears he will never find another person if something were to happen to me. Like I said he feels like that now. Who knows what would happen when the time comes. I would want him to move on and be happy again with someone in his life. But he says he does not want that at all...
@dorannmwin (36392)
• United States
14 Dec 12
Like you, I really can't imagine what my life would be like without my husband by my side. However, I do have to say that even more than no longer being able to have him in my life, the thing that scares me the most is the thought of actually walking through my life alone.
@RitterSport (2451)
• Lippstadt, Germany
26 Apr 13
I havent really thought about it yet what I would possibly do if I was the one left behind. I guess I would just be relaxed about the subject of maybe finding a new love and say that time will tell whether someone else will come into my life. You simply cant predict what you will do.
But if I was the one to go first I would really want my husband to find someone new when he feels he is ready for a new relationship. See he suffers from depression and a personality disorder and I really fear he will neglect himself when he is on his own.
@christylynn41 (200)
• United States
4 Dec 12
Well I am 41 and my husband and I have had this conversation many times.We've been married for 11 1/2 years it will be 12 in may. I honestly don't think that I would remarry or even get involved with someone. I my marriage has been good for the most part but I just dont think that I would want to do it again. Id like to travel and do something maybe be a missionary or something like that.
1 person likes this
@dorannmwin (36392)
• United States
5 Dec 12
To do something like that with your life if your husband was to go before you would be a great thing to honor his memory.
For me, I really do think that the reason that I wouldn't want to be alone is because of the fact that I just couldn't imagine going through life without someone by my side.
1 person likes this
@ZoeJoy (1392)
• United States
11 Dec 12
How we feel now will be different to how we feel when we are alone. My husband and I have gone through so much that I would have to leave that part of my life out of my new life without my husband, if it were the case that he passed away before me. I told my husband that if I were left a widow, I would get a cat. He is allergic to cats and so, I think a cat would be a good substitute for him. :) Neither one of us can even think of remarrying so we don't even discuss it with each other. We can't control what the other one does when we pass away. I hope that if I pass away before my husband does, that he won't continue to be lonely and sad. And he feels the same for me. Whether that means remarrying or not, neither one of us would want the other to live a sad and lonely life.
@dorannmwin (36392)
• United States
13 Dec 12
Like you've said about getting a cat if he were to pass away, I do believe that there are a lot of people that will opt to adopt a new pet to help them through the loneliness that they would experience otherwise.
