Please help me BAN this word!

Canada
December 5, 2012 7:23am CST
Cursing is obnoxious..but I can ignore it! But the one word, in the English language that makes my blood boil..the hair on the back of my neck stand up..LOL is; SHOULD! You do NOT like it when I "should" on you! I don't like it when you "should" on me! Nobody "should" on anybody! When somebody says to me; "YOU SHOULD HAVE," I am driven to distraction! I get the feeling you think you know better..it's such a superiority word! You get my attention fully if you say; "could you have?" Humour me, when I open myself to my errs...I don't want to hear, "you should have done it this way, or that, done this or that!" Share your feelings when you are told "you should have!"
8 people like this
24 responses
@RitterSport (2452)
• Germany
5 Dec 12
hi dear pergammanoo first of all tons of hugs to you.I am glad you are around again, missed you sooo much though I wasnt in mylot that often. Grrrrrr that should have thing also gets on my nerves. Maybe the other person saying that should have thing would have done as he or thinks it would have been better but I bet if these people are in our shoes they make mistakes too. Hindsight is always easier so would they please leave us alone with that garbage of should have known better. Off my soapbox........ and more hugs to you
4 people like this
• Canada
5 Dec 12
Hello, my dear, dear RitterSport! Make room for two of us..on the Soapbox! I am NOT easily "riled"...but I find that word is a put-down..sorta "like how could you be sooooo stupid????" You SHOULD have done it this way...NO, "I could have done it that way!" and when presented in that manner there is lot's of food for thought! When some-one says to me..You "should" have, I just immediately slam the door on further conversation...I am already aware of my foibles..but I don't need a superior attitude, a "know-it-all" to further my errs! Hope the beginning of the holiday season...is filled with joy! BIG,BIG HUGZ!
@ANTIQUELADY (36491)
• United States
5 Dec 12
y'all SHOULD come to Tennessee & let me tell y'all in person what you SHOULD do, lol.
2 people like this
• Germany
5 Dec 12
I know dear Antiquelady, showering you with HUGS....... thats what we should do right now.
2 people like this
@robspeakman (1707)
5 Dec 12
You really SHOULD study vernacular and Grammar and then you SHOULD realised that Posting this SHOULD have been avoided. Imagine yesterday you forgot to post a letter... You COULD have posted the letter? you WOULD have posted the letter? you SHOULD have posted the letter? You are crossing the road chatting on your phone, you get hit by a car and die - BOO HOO very sad What do friends and family say? "You SHOULD not of been using the phone when you were crossing the road". I am in partial agreement with you when it is used in the wrong context. "You SHOULD listen to Justin Bieber" That is wrong The correct use is - We SHOULD find Justin Bieber and we SHOULD make him stop singing
4 people like this
@GardenGerty (87578)
• Marion, Kansas
5 Dec 12
Lighthearted truth. I do agree that it depends on the context, but so often the context seems pushy and judgmental. We could do so much better if we would not try to require others to meet our expectations.
2 people like this
@much2say (32915)
• United States
5 Dec 12
pergammano!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Does "should've" count? I know what you're saying. For me, there is a sensitivity as to HOW something is said. Yes, I agree "you should have" makes it sound like you made the wrong choice and what they would have done would have been the best. Depending on the tone of the person who says it, it can also basically mean "DUH". "You could have" says "perhaps" another option may have been a better choice of action - much more polite. Me, I tend to say "If it were me, I would have . . . " and then it with "but that's me". I think it's less offensive (but that's just me ). So how are you? I don't think I responded to your comment from Lamby's earthquake discussion (yet) . . . hope you're doing ok! I've been so occupied with all the activities of the "ber" months . . . I'm barely "here". We had some good rain . . . and now have chilly mornings/warmish rest of the day. Have you been able to build igloos over yonder yet? Virtual snowball darted right at ya! Hope you're doing well my friend!!! HUGS!!
3 people like this
• India
5 Dec 12
I must agree to what you've just tried to explain on the word "SHOULD". And I think the way of saying it really makes a difference. Also the word "SHOULD" is so commonly used from the times of our forefathers, that it "became" a "part" of our daily lives.
2 people like this
• Canada
5 Dec 12
@acoustic67scouser...interesting, as it was my dearly departed Father (gone nearly 40 years now) that pointed out the toxicity of this word, and how it can change the tone of a conversation! Welcome to myLot...hope you learn to enjoy this site and it's particpants as much as I do!
2 people like this
@suni51 (1806)
5 Dec 12
As you say big sis Who we are to contradict your wish. In fact, your wishes are our commands.And when it comes to being should or must, we love to have it from our elder ones. But the right way is what you said, it should be in way of suggestions and not as martial-law. Finally, you know it better as I would like to keep my small mouth shut.
3 people like this
• Canada
5 Dec 12
OH MY, Little Bro...so, so happy to hear from you...truly, worrying last nite (just before nodding off to sleep) how you are enjoying life "down under"...as you are now in the heat of summer! Honestly....the dang word just offends me! I already know when things go awry..that I "should" have progressed in another manner! From you, as I bare my errors, I need your understanding...not the superiority (my take) of the word "should!" Analogy; I've already stuck the knife in myself..don't need you to twist it. Just watch the change in demeanor of your friends, loved ones, when you change "should" to could! I...WE, truly do MISS you here!! BIG, BIG HOLIDAY HUGZ from Big Sis!
1 person likes this
@GreenMoo (11842)
5 Dec 12
I'm with you pergammano, but I'm trying to remove it from my OWN vocabulary. If I listen in to my personal internal dialogue, it's forever telling me what I SHOULD have done differently.
3 people like this
@p1kef1sh (45647)
5 Dec 12
You told me that I should have. So I did. But no response! I have the mincemeat but not the pastry. I should have gone to the store perhaps?! LOL.
2 people like this
@p1kef1sh (45647)
5 Dec 12
Could you have responded? I should have if you could have.....
2 people like this
• Canada
5 Dec 12
Yes...I could have, and should have..and now I have! Check your PM's and you will find what you might be looking for...or could you have already done that! Now that the coulds, shoulds and woulds are out of the way! Time for you to get on with your festive baking! Forgot that I didn't list all of the ingredients in metric...I can & gladly will convert them if you wish...Just let me know! Smells good!
1 person likes this
@Hatley (152091)
• Garden Grove, California
6 Dec 12
hi pikey and pergammano mincemeat pie oh I can smell it across the pon' yum yhum oh heck just remembered I am a diabetic wah wah
1 person likes this
@allknowing (54672)
• India
5 Dec 12
It never occurred to me until you brought it my notice. "You could have done" sounds so polite as opposed to "You should have done" And anyway no one has the right to order people around and certainly not those who are expert at romping grapes!
2 people like this
• Canada
5 Dec 12
Dear friend..got your last PM, and will get right on to responding! I guess, possibly, I am too sensitive to words and intonations...BUT I always feel much better after conversing with some-one, that I leave them totally intact, including ego...and feeling good about themselves! So often, Iknow I have "screwed-up" and it takes something out of me, to admit my foibles, and if you respond with; "could you have" I feel so much more intact! And I am in a happier world!!
1 person likes this
@allknowing (54672)
• India
6 Dec 12
There are those who will perpetually advise others what they should be doing and should not be doing which is often not called for. Unless one specifically asks for advice that kind of advice puts one off. You are justified in feeling the way you do considering that you have always left a pleasant taste after a conversation.
2 people like this
@allknowing (54672)
• India
6 Dec 12
On second thoughts you SHOULD have told that person off!
2 people like this
@hereandthere (20779)
• Philippines
6 Dec 12
it's the same when i'm reading some responses here. i admit i roll my eyes sometimes and mutter to myself, "you're not helping." i tend to say "if i were in that situation, i would..." i would also say, "if he or she did this or that, then i would have..." but i do remember annoying my sister who was complaining to me that she and her husband got into a fight before he left for an early morning flight because she put some important documents on top of his clothes inside the open suitcase the night before without telling him. he, of course, didn't notice and probably just dumped more clothes or locked the suitcase and so had to wake her up when he couldn't find them. me being me, i saw it from his point of view (backtracking and analyzing how it happened or what caused it in the first place) so i said she should have put it on top of the open laptop because he'd probably do that last and, well, documents and clothes usually don't go together. you'd have two different "bags" for them, right? of course she turned her back on tactless me!
2 people like this
• Canada
6 Dec 12
Altho you are not a newbie..I would personally like to "Welcome" you to myLot! It's to me, amazing, the power of that little word, to change a situation! I think your sister reacted, in the same manner I would have! She already knew that she should have placed those documents elsewhere..but hearing it from some-one else seems confrontational! Hopefully, I am just trying to make the world a little more peace-ful...and you can see by Ms. Hatley's response...that word does go against one's grain!
• Philippines
7 Dec 12
i think she wanted a little sympathy first, before the analysis, which went over my head because i automatically went into detective mode.
1 person likes this
@mr_pearl (5037)
• India
5 Dec 12
Hi... I've been into customer service industry for years, have been through a lot of training on how to express what is to be conveyed in proper words... So I think I 'should' say something LOL.... 'Should' is a compulsive word.. You're right, that word expresses an order... We were always told to refrain from using 'should'. When an advisor in my office says 'you should...' to a customer, it becomes an order to the customer. Instead of that we were told to use 'you need to...'.. Thats the right of telling a customer what has to be done.. 'Could you please...' is also the right way to do it... Take care...
2 people like this
• Canada
6 Dec 12
Good morning...so nice to hear from you, my friend! Yes..I think, as a customer the word "should" not be used! For some odd reason, there seems to be a lack of manners in that area of the world today..and it is such an important position, it's the doorway to that corporation! "Could you have" seems such a non-confrontational way to communicate to me! I pray for you, daily, in hopes of sincere peace in your domain!
@mr_pearl (5037)
• India
6 Dec 12
Thanks a lot Dear... Lack of manners is right reason... Partially though! Such a blunt use of words comes through Mother Tounge Influence.. Many of the people in Customer Care tend to translate from their mother tounge to English and then speak. It happens subconsciously and as quickly as possible... And thats why they fail to realize their own blunders... LOL... There are training sessions carried, but it does not work for everyone... :-)
1 person likes this
@portisray (503)
• Philippines
5 Dec 12
What a weird thing that you want to ban the word SHOULD!!! Well, suggest a word that you want instead of using Should??? We can't say that to people if that's what they want to say... I think you SHOULD ignore that word... if someone say that to you....
2 people like this
• Canada
5 Dec 12
I think when I broached this topic...I suggested to replace the word "should" with the words; "could you have?" which also includes your good sense in the response!
1 person likes this
@Hatley (152091)
• Garden Grove, California
6 Dec 12
yes that leaves a person not feeling like theother person just called you and idiot as you could have is not mean sounding nor superior sounding either.I am always telling p eople here to read the gu idelines but I do not thinkI have ever used should and I just s aid it helps or something like that. In school as a klid I heard that should a lot whew.
1 person likes this
@anklesmash (1417)
6 Dec 12
I can understand the point you are trying make but isn't it really the superior attitude of the person that is objectionable rather than the word itself.That is why I have a very liberal attitude towards swearing.I think the intentions and feelings behind a word are more important than the words themselves.What should be condemned in my opinion is saying things to delibrately try and hurt the feelings of another person and not saying one of a certain set of words that society says you shouldnt say.The social group im in swears all the time and take mickey out of each other calling eac other names that so called polite society would find shocking but it dosent bother anyone as theres no malice or ill will behind it.And everyone knows that nobody would do anything to deliberately upset anyone.
2 people like this
• Canada
6 Dec 12
I feel, just the word "should" depicts a superior attitude, as when we admit the error of our ways...WE KNOW we "should have" done something another way! I'm already admitting defeat...and respect you so much more, if you just say; "could you have?"
@ANTIQUELADY (36491)
• United States
5 Dec 12
U SHOULD behave yourself., lol. love you.
2 people like this
• Canada
6 Dec 12
I "should have known" you would get feisty..Ms. Tennessee! Has this got anything to do with YOUR Birthday, girl???? Could you please read, Ms. Hatley's response (on RitterSports)reply..there are wishes there for you..too!! LUV & HUGZ for a Happy, Happy Day!
@GardenGerty (87578)
• Marion, Kansas
5 Dec 12
Because my brother the preacher told me long ago not to "should on myself" I try not to use that word. Sometimes it is not easy. I get kind of bristly and uptight when others should on me as well.
• Canada
5 Dec 12
For me, it was my dearly departed Father! Course, he was also such a convivial spirit...at least on the outside! Yes...honestly, I bristle when I'm "should upon!" It seems to turn the direction of a conversation for me! Sorry, I haven't been to active here lately...Storms, Earthquakes..hacked computer, turns one's attention elsewhere...but NOW, I guess it's time to get on with the Holiday Season! Take care, GG, and don't work too hard!
2 people like this
@thesids (22455)
• Bhubaneswar, India
5 Dec 12
Dear Sis I am with you and who has been so hurting to you dear? I do believe that politeness is getting obsolete in the present day and only a bunch of (handful people) are so well mannered to use "could" in today's world... for many others (me included, many times), "should" seems a better way out and also, we need not worry much about grammar when using "should"... ps. I will try to make use of "could" more often from mow on
@AmbiePam (44568)
• United States
14 Dec 12
Oh girl! I wrote a discussion in which I mentioned something like that a while back. You are so right!
1 person likes this
• Canada
14 Dec 12
Dearest Ambie...so nice to hear from you, and we just had two big Curling tournaments here in Canada...and everytime curling is on, my thoughts go to you and wondering if you and your dear Father are enjoying too? As you are aware, there were a lot of issues in my life, that has kept me away for a while...but when I did take time, or have time, to get back to myLot, one of your discussions was part and parcel of triggering this, as well as me being a lot more alert to the day to day discourses in my life! So often, I see and hear "you should have" and I find it demeaning! I can see my foibles, after the fact, as we all can! I just feel there is a more appropriate way of relating. I truly hope this finds you and "dear family" enjoying the spirit of the season!
1 person likes this
@AmbiePam (44568)
• United States
14 Dec 12
I really miss seeing you around. I hope your Christmas is wonderful!
1 person likes this
@MsTickle (24752)
• Australia
12 Dec 12
Hello sweet lady. I'm sorry that it riles you so. The next time someone says that to you, you should beat them over the head with a big wet noodle. Would that make you feel better?? I don't take any notice unless the person is offering me sage advice or unless I know they know what they are talking about. Unless they are telling me after the event when they could have told me beforehand and saved me the hassle of making a mistake then I curse under my breath and wish them to Hades.
1 person likes this
• Canada
14 Dec 12
You are TOOOOOO funny...my dear friend! So long since I've heard that word "hades"...probably the nearest I ever got to hearing my Father curse! Wet noodle...you betcha, especially when I take it out of the compost bucket...Yuck! You betcha...aren't we ALL blessed with "perfect hindsight!" WE know what we shoulda done, when things have fallen off the rail, so I don't need to be reminded of my ineptitude, if I care to share my failings (or even if I haven't and you found out about it) I DON'T need it rubbed in my face, I'm already feeling the onset of "idiocy" setting in! Whenever we are in touch...I find it so interesting that we are at the opposite ends of the weather spectrum, winter here, and I guess you are basking in late Spring and getting your Garden up and running, and I have just put mine ALL to bed and got the Garlic planted..late this year! My son took me on a wonderful hunting/camping trip into the mountains, right about planting time (weighed the options..and camping was more important!) Probably something you never experienced...MINUS 18 at night! We were in the middle of nowhere, nearest highway some 100 Kms away, every nite a great BIG campfire...Hot Chocolate laced with Drambuie...just the two of us..but lots of laughter! To me, almost the trip of a lifetime! I am so far behind getting Christmas together, as this year my son is coming home, so must bake and cook all his favs. Keeps me hopping! Don't have any shopping done...at all! That's a BAH HUMBUG! Know you are thought of...and always bring a ray of sunshine into my world, and this drab winter!
1 person likes this
@MsTickle (24752)
• Australia
14 Dec 12
We seem to be at extreme opposite ends dear one. "Basking in late Spring"...not! We have been having very high temps. One day in "late Spring" was 44 degrees Celsius! Can you believe it? We've had no substantial rain since July, just a 5 minute storm or the occasional scud of a shower here and there. The garden is looking dismal, even the weeds are dying and we're told it will get even hotter. There is no rain in sight but it will come and when it does we will be in flood. The ground is so dry pergy, it's a crying shame. Your camping trip sounds delightful but I'm afraid I would not survive. The cold would seep into my joints and leave me sleepless. Back when I was camping it would be 3 pair of track pants and the temps were nowhere near minus anything. It was better when we started towing a camper trailer, 5 star camping that was but those days are gone. I don't really do Christmas, especially this year as it's the first without Dad. I will be alone so it will be just another day...no matter, there's always plenty to do to take my mind off things.
1 person likes this
@RawBill1 (8542)
• Gold Coast, Australia
7 Dec 12
I know what you mean my friend. I dislike it greatly when people should on me. Luckily it does not happen too often and those that do have a habit of doing it to me, I also have a habit of not going out of my way to be around them. Offering advise to others has to be done in a way that does not make them feel belittled in any way. I like to share my personal experiences as a form of inspiration, instead of telling people that they should do something. Leading by example and having others follow is much more successful than trying to push people into doing something.
@RawBill1 (8542)
• Gold Coast, Australia
15 Dec 12
It is funny, although it annoys me to have people telling me that I should have done this or I should do that, I often find mysef saying it to myself in my head. Telling myself that I should have done this instead of doing that. Another option for people is to say "you could try it this way" instead of "you should do it this way" as it is offering a suggestion as an equal instead of being an authority over the person. It is good to chat with you too, I have not had much time to be here of late as too many other things have a higher priority at the moment. I feel honoured to enter your thoughts when you are harvesting garlic. It seems odd to me that you would, but it is strange how the mind works and I am glad that you think of me! With wheat flour, I think that if you were to grow your own wheat and then grind it yourself, then it would be fine to eat. But as for the stuff in the stores that most people in the western world are using, I would not touch it. As you say, it has been grown with large amounts of pesticides and is most likely GMO as well. You never know what you are eating when you buy mainstream mass produced products like that. It is really scary stuff that most people do not even give a second thought about until they end up with cancer and wonder why. Have a safe and happy holidays yourself and I hope you are not too cold up there while we are enjoying the summer fun down here! As for my daughter, she has been up to all sorts of great things recently,....I might even have to brag about it in a discussion! Take care.. Bill :-)
@dpk262006 (52284)
• Delhi, India
6 Dec 12
Hi! Some people are in the habit of giving unsolicited advice and if you narrate or share something with them, they tend to say - You should have done this or that. These kind of people are incorrigible because they do not know that it is no use of giving advice when the incident has already taken place.
• Canada
6 Dec 12
I am so thrilled to see you here...and have missed your very sage words! Sometimes I feel that the "unsolicited" advice" after the fact, oft comes from those that just like to hear themselves talking, and superiorally feel that they have the best input! As you said, it's over and done with, I have re-evaluated and KNOW, already, what I "should" have done! You are so level-headed and kind!
@dpk262006 (52284)
• Delhi, India
7 Dec 12
Thanks for kind words of appreciation about me, this makes me smile. Yes, probably those people render 'unsolicited' advice who just want to brag and hear themselves.
1 person likes this
• United States
10 Dec 12
Why is the word "should" so offensive to you? If I am told that I "should have" done sometime, I shrug it off because I probably should have done it. I could have cut my bangs so that I could see better is more off a cop out; I should have cut my bangs so I could see better is more decisive. It's a rather accusatory word. Take the phrases: Can I? or May I? Yes you CAN do it but you MAY not do it. I detest people that just don't seem to get the difference between the two. It's all in how you hear the words. I am not a fan of slang or constantly swearing-I've even been accused by someone of speaking "above" him. I guess I was more formal than him because of my background and education. I laughed, because make me made enough and I can swear like a sailor!
1 person likes this
• United States
14 Dec 12
I'm so sorry that you didn't understand. I do see a typo or two I made, so that's my bad. Should and could are somewhat interchangeable. I think the biggest difference is how the topic is approached; some people feel that it is their job in life to tell others how to live their lives, and typically will use the word should in an accusatory way. I think using the word could is a much less confrontational way. I think that in discussions like this, we lose the tonal inflections present in live conversation, and that leads to misunderstandings.
@KrauseHome (32345)
• United States
8 Dec 12
Interesting thoughts on this. In reality, how do you really know how you would react if placed in the same situation? Personally you don't so instead of saying you should have, you just need to choose another way of saying something as in a form of a suggestion and things will go on a lot better as well.
1 person likes this
• Canada
14 Dec 12
Tina...I do keep you in my prayers..and just know in my heart, your suffering wounds will be soon healed! I so concur with you...sometimes I feel the world has lost it's manners, and being from the old school, I am sensitive to words, and their deliveries! And do find myself, less engaged in conversations, the moment I hear dissention set in by the use of inappropriate words! Sending you GOOD Health and Cheer for the festive season!