My mom is lazy

@dorannmwin (36698)
United States
December 9, 2012 1:05am CST
And no, I'm not actually talking about my own mother because she really is the epitomy of anything but lazy. My kids spent the night with their grandma (my husband's mother) last night and shortly after she brought them home, she called me to tell me that she tried to have a talk with the kids about doing their part around the house. She said that Kathryn stayed silent and Paul said that "Mommy is lazy!" I have to admit that this really hurt my feelings because I don't feel like I'm lazy, I just don't think that it should be up to one person alone to keep everything in the house. For example, I tell the kids, when you take off your dirty clothes, put them in the dirty laundry, I end up picking them up off the floor every day. I tell them to keep their toys in their bedrooms, I find them in my living room all the time. I ask them to please let the dogs out, they tell me that they can't go outside because they will run away. So they think that I'm supposed to pick up after them (everything), cook for everyone, do the dishes, do the laundry, vacuum, mop, and anything else that you can think of and they should be allowed to do nothing at all except play and watch their television. This stuff is stopping. First of all, I won't have my son saying that I'm lazy because if I was lazy, they wouldn't have a thread of clean clothes ever, they wouldn't have food to eat and they wouldn't even be able to walk through the house. From now on, they will be required to do their chores or they won't be allowed to do anything fun. For example, my niece's birthday party is at the local children's museum next week and if they haven't done some chores, they won't be going to her birthday party. I will go and they will stay at home with their dad. Have you ever had to make an intervention like this with your children? Where exactly is it that children get the idea that they are entitled to decide that they don't have to do any kind of chores anymore? I mean I've been teaching them to pick up after themselves since they were infants and this refusal to do anything has only happened in the last few months.
3 people like this
17 responses
@marguicha (105884)
• Chile
9 Dec 12
I remember that my children had "stages" when I had to use a strong hand with them. I feel (and made it clear) that my house was not a hotel but a family where everyone had to help as much as they could. I gave them allowances when they were older, but never paid them a dime for doing any chores at home. It was their ddy, as members of the family. My youngest daughter raised her first daughter with a very soft hand and she is sorry she did it. I understood her then, as she had lost a child to cancer. But now I am the only person that tells Carolina to stop it. My daughter doesn`t dare contront a person who is already a young woman, but who lives under her roof. I am strongly in favor of making children do their part of the work and with a smile. If they don`t pick up their toys, you will throw them away because it is garbage. If they don`t pick up the laundry, you don`t wash it and they go dirty.
1 person likes this
@dorannmwin (36698)
• United States
10 Dec 12
I'm soft and I really don't want to do that at all. However, things around here have gotten to the point that I am about to stop doing their laundry unless it was in the dirty laundry and I'm going to be throwing more toys away than I already have. I think that is the only thing that I can do to get them to straighten up.
1 person likes this
@marguicha (105884)
• Chile
11 Dec 12
I have seen soft parents and usually they don`t help their children much. Children should learn about limits: it is part of living with others. I have seen children that do what they want at home and later on have problems at school. When parents and teachers cannot cope with them, they place them in the hands of schrinks who give them meds. I am sure that many of the children with meds now are simply children that did all they wanted from the day they were born.
@dorannmwin (36698)
• United States
13 Dec 12
I actually think that is one of the reasons that my husband and I work so well together as parents. I will admit again that I'm the soft one, but he is definitely the heavy. In working together, we balance out perfectly. But I think that the kids grandparents have a very big impact on them as well because I'm not the kind of parent that you would have seen 20-30 years ago when they were raising their children.
• India
9 Dec 12
Hi friend, i don't think you are a lazy, your activities are good to raise up your kid in a good way, but kids don't know about your intention, so they thought that you are lazy, don't worry for their words, if they come to know about the truth, they will realize the mistake. My wife is also in your sort, she always let our kids to do their works by their own, and teach them to be independent
1 person likes this
@dorannmwin (36698)
• United States
10 Dec 12
I really just don't want to be one of those people that sends their children into the world when they are adults and have them not know anything about keeping up their space. What good would a person that couldn't do the laundry, couldn't pick up after themselves and couldn't do their dishes do in the real world? You know, those people that can afford to have a housekeeper are few and far between.
1 person likes this
@savypat (20246)
• United States
9 Dec 12
Sounds to me like a reality check is in order. Each home is run in a different way, just remind the child that you have reasons behind how you are running your house. It's also a good time to point out that nothing in life is free, he wants this and that done so that he can enjoy the benefits with little or no cost to him. Life just doesn't work that way. Tell him that a grown man who can take care of himself is much more valueable to a family than one that needs another to do his personal chores. That is what worked for my brother and my son who had occasion to bring up women's work in the home. Ain't parenting fun?
@dorannmwin (36698)
• United States
10 Dec 12
Oh, parenting is always just a barrel of laughs! Like I said, I'm not asking the kids to do everything, I'm asking them to do things that are within reason. If you take off your clothes, put them in the laundry. When you are done with your Hot Wheels, put them back in their container. Mom doesn't want to be walking over dirty laundry and getting bruises on her feet because the Hot Wheels are strewn around everywhere.
1 person likes this
@jillhill (37383)
• United States
9 Dec 12
They dont realize what a favor you are actually doing for them. When they grow up they will know how to take care of themselves...and you might bring up that point. Who is going to take care of you when mom is not around! My kids had to help with chores because I worked two jobs most of the time. They are very responsible adults now...and teaching their kids the same thing they learned at home.
1 person likes this
• United States
9 Dec 12
I think it is great that your give your children chores to do and that the kids should be expected to do some chores such as picking up their toys, picking up their laundry and putting their clothes away. I can understand you not wanting your kids to use the washing machine or using cleaning products, but it is not unrealistic to ask them for help. I was brought up to believe that we all pitch in to help and as we got older we did the vacuuming, dusting and laundry (I think I was 10 when I dusted and vacuumed and 12 when I did laundry). As for not wanting the dogs to go outside because the dogs will get hurt, I am wondering if something happened to another dog and the kids are afraid. I know when Randy lost one of his dogs he was afraid of losing another one and would get upset if the dog went outside.
1 person likes this
@dorannmwin (36698)
• United States
10 Dec 12
I really don't have any clue what it is about the dogs because I've never known them to have heard about a dog that had been hurt in some way. I know that they could get out of the yard if they really wanted to, but I also don't ask them to just put them outside unattended.
1 person likes this
@galileo2008 (1147)
• Philippines
9 Dec 12
Your children probably have no idea how much you have sacrificed and worked for them and for your family. I guess you have to talk to them in private and tell them what you feel when your son said that. it's important for them to know what's going on and they have to know that you're asking them to do their share in cleaning the house not because you just want to but because you also want them to learn about the household chores and to be responsible individuals. Again, communication is very important.
1 person likes this
@dorannmwin (36698)
• United States
10 Dec 12
I do think that my children have a tendency to take for granted the things that I do for them. I don't think it is because there is something wrong with them, but they think that they shouldn't be responsible for anything because they are just little kids. I don't agree with this at all, but it is the way that things are for us right now. I can assure you, however, that things are about to change for us.
1 person likes this
@WakeUpKitty (8706)
• Netherlands
9 Dec 12
Children know exactly how to hurt your feelings or what to say to get the respons they like or end the discussion. So if they say you are lazy it means: end of the discussion no need for us to help out. I understand it hurts your feelings but use this to make them help out as well. Tell them next time: as you know I am very lazy so you two have to work! If they say they can't you say: well since you can't you have to do more this way you can practise more! It's normal for kids to help out, mine does. I never need to pick up their dirty clothes, they help carrying the shoppings, vacuum the couch, the stairs, put the trash can outside, they cook once a week, clean up their own mess (they are 9 and 7 years old). They help with the laundry as well. Besides of the fact I find it important they learn all of these things so they can do it automatically and take care of themselves I also tell them I am NOT their servant and not get payed to do this all. Sometimes they do say: but this is not my mess. I tell them I do a lot of work, clean up a lot which is not my mess either (end of the discussion). The rule here is: not helping out/responsibilities no rights (or food).
1 person likes this
@dorannmwin (36698)
• United States
10 Dec 12
Well, I actually know that you cannot with hold children from food, so that really isn't an option. But I will be limiting their abilities to go to friend's houses and I have even told them that if they can't help out in the simply ways that I've been asking them to do, they will not be allowed to go to their cousin's birthday party next weekend.
1 person likes this
@jenny1015 (13389)
• Philippines
9 Dec 12
We must be in the same household! The same thing happens over here all the time and I wold sometimes hear my son the same. I get hurt and mad at the same time. They do not know how hard it is to be alone working in the house and to make sure that when they get back, their food is waiting on the table ans then I still have to spend time with them later to help them with their homeworks. Kids!!!
1 person likes this
@dorannmwin (36698)
• United States
10 Dec 12
It is definitely a never ending job and I think there are a lot of people (especially children) that take everything that we do for them for granted.
@Iriene88 (5352)
• Malaysia
9 Dec 12
Yes, you have to set things right. They should not said 'mom is lazy'. House chores is a never ending task. That is why a lot of people prefer to do 9-5 job than being housewife. This young generation take things for granted. Do you find out the root cause for the reason of them refuse to do their chores? Perhaps you need to sit down and have a session with them to see how you can get your message cross.
1 person likes this
@dorannmwin (36698)
• United States
10 Dec 12
It is very difficult to be a stay-at-home mother and I think there are a lot of people that don't realize that. It is just as hard as working outside the house. You see, when you choose to be a stay at home mother, you don't get the help around the house from your spouse that you would get if you were a working mother.
1 person likes this
@bellis716 (4806)
• United States
12 Dec 12
The¥  must have friends who don't have choices to do. Stand your ground. Kids have to tell their mother "I hate you " a time or two to be normal. They'll change their tune by the time they have children of their own, if not before.
@dorannmwin (36698)
• United States
13 Dec 12
I really do think that it will be before they are grown and have a family of their own. You see, I might not be perfect, but I will always be their biggest fans even when they do things in their lives that I'm not at all happy with.
@bellis716 (4806)
• United States
14 Dec 12
Sounds like you are really a pretty good mother.
@dorannmwin (36698)
• United States
14 Dec 12
All I can say is that I try to the best of my ability.
• China
10 Dec 12
Wow,your kids are so spoiled,as for me,I never let my kids to say that,I think the kids say that their mom is lazy means they do not respect their mom enough,so may be you really to teach your kids how to respect their senior person,that is very important,and actually that is the basic manner in our society.
@dorannmwin (36698)
• United States
10 Dec 12
They have been very spoiled, but I don't think it is my fault. You see, they are the oldest grandchild (my daughter) and only grandson (my son) and because of that they are spoiled by their grandparents. In fact, last year I asked Kathryn to bring me down her dirty bed clothes and she called her grandma (my mother-in-law) to complain about this and Phyllis turned around and called me to tell me that she was only nine-years-old and that is just asking too much of a nine-year-old child. I wasn't asking her to wash it herself, I just asked her to bring the sheets down to me from her bedroom.
@cynthiann (18619)
• Jamaica
10 Dec 12
Kids are very smart and she is using her GM as an ally against your authority. I would have been spitting mad at this. The GM should have told her to HEAR HER MOTHER AND DO WHAT SHE WAS ASKED TO DO. I'm sorry but the Gm had no right to side with your daughter against you - no matter how nicely it was said. That was just wrong on your MIL to call you and say that.Gm's should SUPPORT the parent's authoority and decisions unless of course in the extreme cases of child abuse. Asking a kid to take down her sheets is not child abuse
@dorannmwin (36698)
• United States
11 Dec 12
Oh, I've been spitting mad at her time and time again. It seems like they are always questioning my authority as a parent. There have actually been some times that I've not allowed the children to see their grandparents for a long time because of the fact that they don't have any respect for me. The kids are children and they really need to be taught to respect the authority of their elders and a grandparent belittling a parent is no way of teaching children to respect their elders.
@cynthiann (18619)
• Jamaica
9 Dec 12
I do have a lady who helps me in the house form 9 to 5 for five days a week. As you know, I have a part time job and also have to rest for two hurs daily. The washing is never ending in a hot country but I make them put their clothes in their laundry basket. I don't see why our helper or myself should pick up after them. I also insist that their toys are puy away. I have a small extension to the house (which is small anyway) and this is where they keep their toys and play. I can see them all of the time as there is only a glass sliding door which is usually open. I am also insisting that they take their plates and cutlery to the kitchen sink. I do not have a dish washer. If they refues then their scooters.chalk board or aeroplanes are confiscated for a few days until they hear. I just let them cry. This stuff is locked in my car trunk. We have had a few weeks of tussles since their mother left but it is getting better and since I kept my word re punishment = then they are doing better. I praise them a lot when they do it without my asking them and this nhas helped too. I know that they are still angry and they explode at times but they know that I love them unconditionally but there is a line that must not be crossed. They must hear and obey requests.
@dorannmwin (36698)
• United States
10 Dec 12
I think that you are doing the right thing by taking certain toys away because they don't listen to you and are not willing to do their part at all. I know that the twins are the same age as Paul and I think this is one of the hardest ages to deal with when it comes to chores because they are at that stage where they really are between being a little kid and a big kid.
@cynthiann (18619)
• Jamaica
10 Dec 12
I am trying to create a sense of security and structure in their lives. They spoke to their mother today via skype and I teared up when my GD asked her if she would be home for Christmas. She was just so evasive and then my GS did not want to talk to her - this is just anger and he loves his Mommy so it s a way of hurting her.
@dorannmwin (36698)
• United States
11 Dec 12
It's really a shame that she is being so evasive with her children and I can definitely see why your GS is not talking to her as a way of hurting Mommy. I saw something similar with the kids that I had over the summer.
@shaggin (39497)
• United States
9 Dec 12
Sounds like your kids are being the one that is lazy. My kids are terrible about picking up after themselves no matter how many years I have taught them to do it. It drives me nuts. My kids take their clothes off and them them on the floor to that includes wet towels after baths. You'd think after every single night me telling them to pick them back up they would not do it in the first place but its not sinking in. Last night the living room was a wreck with blocks and cars. I told my kids they had to pick it up before bed. My son refused so I told him he was not allowed to use the computer today. So I picked up all the cars and my daughter picked up all the blocks. After that she was very helpful last night helping her brother brush his teeth and things while I was changing his bed sheets. Guess she wanted to ensure she got to use the computer today lol.
@dorannmwin (36698)
• United States
10 Dec 12
You might laugh at this one, but I've told the kids that if they don't start picking their stuff up, I am just going to buy a big box and pick up everything that is laying around for an entire week and sell in on ebay.
@shaggin (39497)
• United States
10 Dec 12
Actually what you could do is box it up and put it in the garage or attic or basement or something and tell them they cant have it back for a week or a month. Obviously tell them ahead of time that if they dont clean up thats what your going to do. Once you get out that box I bet they hurry to clean up lol.
@dorannmwin (36698)
• United States
11 Dec 12
Ohh, that is a good idea too. However, instead of keeping the stuff in our house, I could always say that I would box it up and send it to the storage at my husband's work. Believe it or not, we still have things there that have been there since before we moved into our house.
@crissy92 (91)
• United States
11 Dec 12
I feel your pain, honestly. I have 3 children, and my 13 year old son was raised totally different than my other 2 little ones. And now I'm paying the price. I have to tell him repeatedly to do something. And if I ask him to get something for me upstairs, it's like the hugest chore I ever asked him to do. The little ones are now 4 and 6, and they clean up more and know what's expected of them. And it really shouldn't be up to one person to do everything in the house. That's why it's a "family". Everyone should do their part and chip in. Plus, you're setting the example and getting them prepared for life on their own, and with their own family. I can guarantee that they would be changing their tune if they had their own family and appreciate what you do now for them a lot more once they were in your shoes.
@dorannmwin (36698)
• United States
13 Dec 12
I definitely agree with you that it would be a very different story if the children were grown and had a family of their own. I also realize that it is hard for our children to understand when they are young that we don't ask them to do things to punish them but rather we ask them to do things because we are trying to teach them to eventually be responsible adults.
@kokomo (1868)
• Philippines
10 Dec 12
Yeah, I feel sorry for you. Sometimes kids do not realize what they are uttering. Of course, you cannot please your mother in law to get disappointed as those word already came from your kids that what you are expecting is they should be the one who will lift you and praise you. I think better to discipline them as early as you can.
@dorannmwin (36698)
• United States
11 Dec 12
I have been trying to teach them to do little things that will help them to take care of themselves from the time that they were very young. You see, what they don't understand is that I am trying to teach them skills that will help them later in their lives.
@bunnybon7 (37905)
• Holiday, Florida
10 Dec 12
i have the same thing and my kids are all grown. they just dont seem to care how nasty things get. have you tried telling them the exact way you told us here? they see how much you do but it just dont register with kids sometimes
@dorannmwin (36698)
• United States
10 Dec 12
Now I will admit that I'm not the world's best housekeeper, but I also can't stand to live in complete and utter filth. The kids refusing to do anything is just one of those things that drives me absolutely insane. I know they know how to do it, so why won't they?
• United States
9 Dec 12
I taught my daughter at a very young age how to keep house and live in a tidy house. the laundry she mastered very young and could do it just as good as me. She got lazy because during the school week I would do all the house work and when she came home she had to do her school work and clean her dinner dishes. after a few years it got to the point where she did not want to clean anything. and she became a slob. Now that she is living with my family and having the hardest time keeping up after herself.
@dorannmwin (36698)
• United States
10 Dec 12
Now Kathryn does know how to do laundry and I've been trying to get her to do at least one load a week. You know, they have to wear uniforms for school and I ask her to put some school clothes in the wash on Sunday afternoons. She does it well and then I will fold it for her and Paul and then ask the two of them to put their clean laundry away.