Is it wrong to stay with your in-laws though you don't feel the same way already

@sublime03 (1811)
Philippines
December 11, 2012 5:33am CST
I have been with my in-laws for a good number of years and during those years I didn't agree to the terms they have. And so finally, I have come to my senses and have decided to find a way to move out by mid of next year. Don't get me wrong, they were nice and all but I now know when people say it is the hardest thing in the world living in one roof with your in-laws. Yes, I learned it the hard way but my dilemma, is it wrong to stay with your in-laws knowing you just don't feel the same way towards their son? I have stayed and have compromised for many years but I am still where I am. Yes, I did not have to cook nor clean but on how they treat me is something I do not agree with nor did I encounter back at home with my own parents. I am still planning everything to move out and getting my own place but while saving up is it bad to stay here? Well they don't have any idea but I just want to share what is going through my mind right now.
2 people like this
12 responses
• Philippines
11 Dec 12
You know what? I've been in the same situation as you before but it's the other way around. My mother in law was living with us and every day was a hell for me and it came to a point where I no longer know what's right and wrong. She tried to dominate our lives, butt in in every decision and every thing she says was like she's breathing out fire. I had no peace of mind because everything she says were so like against me, my being as a person least of all as the wife of her son. It was so hard and I realized I should have left them sooner but I have this commitment to my kids so I stayed on, but the experience made me so broken emotionally and until this day I have never find the courage to forgive her. It affected my relationship with my husband but I am still hanging on to that thin thread that may seem to connect us. So while you still can mend whatever's broken, do it!
@pomwango (1355)
• Kenya
11 Dec 12
i understand what you are saying,it is very hard especially with a mum in law,it made me think my husband had reduced his love but after she left i realised its just the negative energy that was in the house and now things are beautiful for us.
• Philippines
12 Dec 12
that's so good. you know sometimes i wonder why it has to be like that with in-laws, why can't everyone agree on matter pertaining to raising a family and as parents, they should be there to put in some opinion, advice or moral support when things aren't that good. why there has to be hatred, jealousy so on? we could all save heartache and stress if only situations like this will be avoided.
@sublime03 (1811)
• Philippines
19 Feb 13
I understand what you mean. I understand how negative they can be towards you and everything about you. I can just imagine how positive the atmosphere would be when I move to my own place soon. But it really depends on the culture they grew up in. If they got used to having their way all the time chances are they would push into getting what they want all the time.
@else22 (4319)
• India
11 Dec 12
I agree with you.I am a male from India.Here most daughters-in-laws live with their in laws.Our family has been a joint family.My mother had some trouble initially after she got married to my father.I know it is not easy for a girl to get herself adjusted in a quite different atmosphere in another family.My mother too had some troubles,but as my grandmother,her mother-in-law,was a lady of a very jolly and cooperative nature,she soon managed to get familiar with other members of the family. If you are having the freedom of living in your own way,I think,it would be better for you to continue living with your in-laws.
@sublime03 (1811)
• Philippines
19 Feb 13
I definitely think it would be best for me to go separate houses with my in-laws since they have their own rules and of course I want to have my own too. Its not bad living for a like a few days with them but to say for the rest of my life, I do not think so.
@else22 (4319)
• India
19 Feb 13
Everything depends on your choice.Although if I would have been a woman,I would like to live with my in-laws.Serving and helping old parents of my husband would have been my duty.
@Mavic123456 (7910)
• Thailand
11 Dec 12
They say if you want to fight with each other live together. Somehow this is true. specially to friends and in laws. I could imagine the feeling though I don't have inlaws LOL. You know that you are not in your own house, and your moves are numbered, in most cases, some in laws have the tendency to suggest or help you out with your problems (always). They try to solve your problems, leaving you no other option but to follow their decision and not yours. What can you do, you have to go along with them and doing otherwise may create problems. If you and partner has agreed on moving out, then so much the better. You can buy your own things and stuff. The color that you like, the texture that you like and the shape that you desire. You can also test yourself if you can handle your own problems and see you will react on some events. Good luck.
@sublime03 (1811)
• Philippines
19 Feb 13
I have to agree with what you said Mavic123456. My moves are so numbered that when there are things that needs to be decided on you cannot ignore what they have to say and you end up going for what they suggested. Because most of the time if you do not go with what they say they feel bad and they think you do not like them. Such a hassle to having to understand them because not all the time they get their way especially when it comes to my own family.
• Thailand
19 Feb 13
thanks for the BR. never expected this. Anyway, that's saying was my belief too, so when friends told me to rent a house for us so we can just walk to work. told them, no we better find a room separately from each other. I don't like to have problem in the future.
• Philippines
12 Dec 12
I understand where this feelings of yours came from. Living with your in-laws is living a life that is not really your life at all. I don't like to live with my in-laws eversince not because of I don't like them but because it is better to put some distance. In your case, I wish you to find your place under the sun... I am not saying that you need to do your plans nor to stay with them. I am just saying that what makes you yourself is what really matters. Just think twice, if your second thought still saying it is the right time to move to another house then it is for the better... Wish you the best!
@sublime03 (1811)
• Philippines
19 Feb 13
You are definitely right when you said to put some distance between me and my in-laws. It is just different when you do not get to see them and the other way around. Most likely our in-laws would appreciate us more than having to see them every single day.
@jenny1015 (13394)
• Philippines
12 Dec 12
I think that it is still best to be living in a different house no matter how nice your in laws are. My family lives in a different house but it is owned by my in laws. If I only had money to move out with my family, I would have done it years ago. Even though my in laws really seldom come over, still I do not feel that comfortable being at this house coz I could not do anything in the house without their approval. The house is almost dilapidated. They have promised to have it fixed almost 5 years ago. And yet nothing happened. so one time, I asked my mother in law that the house really needs fixing. And do you know what she told me even though I told her that the house could fall apart especially the stairs being wobbly? She said she has to ask her husband about it coz he might not want it to be "touched"! It is one thing that really ticks me off- their unreasonable way of thinking!
@sublime03 (1811)
• Philippines
19 Feb 13
I too feel the same way with living in a place my in-laws own. Even if you are not with them under the same roof, they will still have power over the house. I do not want to end up having to get an approval all the time when I can just go find a place of my own and enjoy my time.
@whengcat (1458)
• Philippines
11 Dec 12
Same here sublime03.....like you, I'm planning to have my own place so I can do all the things I want without worrying what would my mother-in-law thinks. I feel you, I know where you're coming, goodluck to us
@sublime03 (1811)
• Philippines
19 Feb 13
What a relief to see that there are other people who feel the same way. I thought it was just me who felt this way and kind of felt guilty. But what a relief is all i can say. Worrying of what they have to say is just something we should not encounter on a daily basis. So let us go and try to get our own place for our peace of mind. Yes, good luck to us with our future living with our in-laws.
@AdalieM (1137)
• United States
25 Dec 12
I think is a thousand times better to live with your mate only. I know some people feel the need to live with their in-laws because they don't have a place to live or enough money, but I mean, if a couple decides to be together and live together, they should save enough money before moving in together. Not all in laws are bad, but there are some people out there who don't know how to mind their own business and that's when the problem begins. There's nothing like having your own place. Your own rules without the....you have a roof over your head because of me...or you can't make it out there if you don't have me around.
@WakeUpKitty (8711)
• Netherlands
11 Dec 12
No it's not wrong. You tried and it did not work. This doesn't mean you have to live on the street from now on. Work on your future, perhaps something will change till the moment you set to leave in a positive way. If not leave and build your own future. I wish you all the luck and love.
@jaiho2009 (39079)
• Philippines
11 Dec 12
You said they treat you indifferent, so I guess it is better for you to stay away from them. In my opinion, if you have the capacity to live far or separately from your in-laws, then do it. You have all the right to live on your own- as a married couple- it is better for you to live and stand on your own. Even if how good your in-laws are, it is still better to have your own house where you can do everything you like -decorate your own house, choose your favorite color and buy all the things that you want for your own bedroom.
@pomwango (1355)
• Kenya
11 Dec 12
i have never found it easy to stay with in laws,this are people who you have just met and only united by the love you feel for your spouse.so its never easy to accept them and their behaviors,they will find you strange and so will you. so i always feel the best way of avoiding conflict with them is living different lives and meeting when necessary.you and your spouse have so much to learn about each other without adding people who wont easily overlook your mistakes and flaws.i support the idea of you moving on and my advise the soonest possible.
• India
11 Dec 12
Hi friend, there is nothing wrong in staying with our in laws, if we both have good understanding and relationship, but if we don't have proper understanding, then it is really hard to stay with them in one roof. Most of the in laws don't consider their DIL as their daughter and vice verse. This kind of activities and lack in understanding is the reason for lot of misunderstanding.
• Philippines
11 Dec 12
There's nothing wrong with living together with the in-laws but it's much better and more comfortable for you, I think, to live separately from them. You may be treated well so far, but chances are, later on, clashes really are bound to happen. It is reality. It may not be true for some but I have known many who share this same kind of experience.