So the Other Grandmother Called Me

@cynthiann (18619)
Jamaica
December 12, 2012 12:56pm CST
She asked if she may have the twins from Saturday morning to Sunday evening. I said that it would be wonderful for the twins to see her and that I would check with my son just in case he had something planned. He said it was fine and so I called her to make arrangements for the pick up and regretfully she spoke to me with great hostility. She said that she had heard our GS had been fighting at school. I replied that he had but he was working through his anger issues and this past week has been the best as his behaviour has improved. Also their teacher said that both of them had done extremely well in the end of term tests with both of them either getting full marks or in the 90's. This shows that they are settling. I didn't make them study for exams either as I felt that they were under too much stress when I noticed that they could not concentrate. My son agreed that they should not have extra pressure. The odd thing was, although they do not sit next to each other the questions that were incorrect were identical!. A twin thingy. I want the twins to have a wonderful realtionship with the other GM. It is now 6 weeks since their mother left and this is her first contact with me. She lives about 15 minutes away from us. I have an uneasy feeling though that the twins will be questioned in detail re me and their father and the poor children will face a conflict of loyalties. They will want to please both their GM and their mother when she calls them whilst they are there. I just know that I am right re my thinking. ? I know what they will be going through because I was in a similar situation as a chuld. I distinctly remember at the tender age of five sitting on my mother's knee and she was looking at my father with hate and asking me if I loved her or my Daddy best. I remember answering that I loved them both the same and the feeling of relief as this was the right answer or at least an acceotable answer. Why can's adults be adults and leave little kids out of any conflict between mother and father
7 people like this
15 responses
@katsmeow1213 (29047)
• United States
12 Dec 12
How dare she accuse you! You're the one who's raising these babies.. and what is she doing? Man people make me so angry! She is so close but can't even visit her own grandchildren??? She's just like her daughter! Awful Awful Awful people!!
2 people like this
• United States
12 Dec 12
I agree. She could call, check in, come to visit, take them on weekends and school holidays (so as not to mess up their school routine). What sort of a grandmother waits 6 weeks to make any sort of contact, then accuses you of not raising the children properly because they're having trouble in school.. because their home life has been unstable since birth!!! Of course that's not your fault.. that's their mother's fault. Why must she travel around the world to find work? She has children! She needs to do what's best for them.. which means finding whatever work she can close to home so they can have a stable life and stay in the same spot.. not move from country to country.
1 person likes this
@cynthiann (18619)
• Jamaica
12 Dec 12
This has been the problem. They have been married over seven years and effectively were apart for five years - just coming home for vacations or he would visit at Christmas if she didn't come. Kids need both parents to compliment their upbringing. This situation has been made worse since she has again decided to work abroad since they separated instead of accepting the fabulous job offer here. With US$3000 clear a month plus benefits for a 20 hour work week? Who in their right mand would turn down this offer? She would have child support, all school fees paid for by my son and full health care benefits (from his job) so she could easily afford to pay for full time help in the house.That salary is a big salary out here, believe me. I would have not believed that she could be so selfish and neglect the children big time.
1 person likes this
• United States
13 Dec 12
It's really no wonder why their marriage didn't work out either.. can't have a marriage if you aren't together. Eventually she will come in and take the kids away again, so they'll never see their dad or you anymore. Poor kids.. they'll have a million problems with this instability through their lives.
1 person likes this
@AmbiePam (49091)
• United States
12 Dec 12
Apparently only one side of your grandchildren's family tree got the class gene.
2 people like this
• United States
12 Dec 12
Well said.
2 people like this
@cynthiann (18619)
• Jamaica
12 Dec 12
Aw, thanks Ambie
1 person likes this
@ANTIQUELADY (36489)
• United States
13 Dec 12
Well said Ambie. I agree w/u 100%.
1 person likes this
@Hatley (164654)
• Garden Grove, California
13 Dec 12
hi cynthiann so the other grandmother is all upset over that one incident. thats unfair of her and to be hostile towards you is also unfair. Yes twins I have read do so m any things alike as if they read each others minds from far off.The other grandmother should remember they are s till little kids and such will not always be perfect and really most adults are not always perfect either so there too.Oh'that incident as a child must have been just awful for you. I have always wondered why adults put the children in the conflict between mother and father as if trying to get brownie points from them. so sad.
2 people like this
@cynthiann (18619)
• Jamaica
13 Dec 12
Yes it was - I had a wretched childhood but then so have others here on mylot. I am just hopingthat the weekend wil go well for them and they are not subjected to intense questioning as this will stress them.
@dawnald (84147)
• Shingle Springs, California
12 Dec 12
Yes, why can't they? What, she thinks his anger issues are your fault?
1 person likes this
@cynthiann (18619)
• Jamaica
12 Dec 12
Yes. She said that this is a new thing with him and had not happened before.
2 people like this
@dawnald (84147)
• Shingle Springs, California
12 Dec 12
Right, therefore it must be your fault. Well after all, it can't have anything to do with her daughter taking off and leaving them with you. Bad, bad Cynthia. Sending wet noodle for whipping purpose. (sarcasm alert)
1 person likes this
@cynthiann (18619)
• Jamaica
12 Dec 12
I did swat his butt three times one morning after he was fighting and throwing stuff before school began. Over his clothes and I used my hand that is not yet working too well. No strength in three fingers I can imagine what they will say about this when he tells them I look forward to receiving the wet noodle. Think that it would hurt more than my hand.
3 people like this
@ANTIQUELADY (36489)
• United States
13 Dec 12
I think this shows who your dil took after. What the hell was she being hostile toward u about???? U didn't have anything to do w/her daughter deserting her children. People are nuts!!!. i hope she want upset the twins w/a bunch of 'STUFF'!Maybe u could explain to them a little about what might be said. At least they could be a little prepared. If she does as u expect her to i'd say u needed to be #1 on the sorry list if she's not already.
1 person likes this
@cynthiann (18619)
• Jamaica
13 Dec 12
My son is on hs way home and will soon be home so we can discuss this. You have a good point and maybe they should receive a little talk from their Daddy. Thanks for the support.
1 person likes this
@ANTIQUELADY (36489)
• United States
13 Dec 12
Sure couldn't hurt anything. I would like to see jo file for custody of the twins. I don't know how it is there but here i think he get get custody because she has deserted them, turned down a good job etc.
1 person likes this
@cynthiann (18619)
• Jamaica
13 Dec 12
He is taking legal advice but I know he feels strongly that little children shold be with their mother except for terrible abuse etc. he is trying to make it less stressful for twins but in her spite she will come for them and fly off. He has to advise all the authorities of what may happen. She could live very comfortably here with them and they would have their father close by too
1 person likes this
@ZoeJoy (1395)
• United States
12 Dec 12
You do have to leave your past in the past. This is a different situation with different people. I would be clear about who has custody of the twins. She is dealing with her daughter leaving her own children, her grandchildren, so there is guilt and shame involved. Also, she is going to be defensive. I would be very clear about the custody situation. A lot is on your son's shoulders and his priority needs to be fully supporting his twins. Be careful that your personal feelings don't get in the way of looking after your grandchildren.
@cynthiann (18619)
• Jamaica
12 Dec 12
I understand what you are saying and appreciate your concern. A lot is on my son's shoulders and he would suffer himself to do what is best for the twins. I promised myself that I would never let my personal feelings come before the welfare of the twins. I had them before for two years whilst their mother was working abroad and never let them forget their mother. Each night we pray for her along with other family memebers. Thank you for your advice
1 person likes this
@prashu228 (25811)
• India
13 Dec 12
I agree zoejoy, Children are like tender plants ,once they get hurt at their heart they never ever recover from the pain in life. Hope the elders understand this.
@prashu228 (25811)
• India
13 Dec 12
Oh that's really sad children are put in the conflicts of parents. They will definitely get disturbed ans will be under pressure. Hope the parents understand this as they love their children.
1 person likes this
@cynthiann (18619)
• Jamaica
13 Dec 12
Thank you - I pray that we will get through this without them suffering too much
@bunnybon7 (36522)
• Holiday, Florida
13 Dec 12
i guess you should give it a try but if they have a rough time of it and you hear they are being told crap about either of you, id figure a way not to let them go any more. i miss my grandkids and still try not to say things about my sons ex even when others do. still she hates me for no reason. except that my son did what she considers wrong. yes i was also in your position as a child so i know what they are going through. when i was with my dad till i was 6 yrs, he never said anything bad about mom. then when she decided to come get me she constantly said bad things about him that she saw in meso as i said, maybe it will be ok. it just depends.
1 person likes this
@cynthiann (18619)
• Jamaica
13 Dec 12
It has been such a terrible year that I expect that I am expecting the worse. But you are right as we will just have to see how this plays out. I am sorry that you had the same situation growing up as I didAbsolute hell
1 person likes this
• United States
12 Dec 12
some adults can't manage being responsible in their older age. I would just not send them If this is what your thinking will take place. I would allow the grandmother to come and visit with them in my house but no way would she leave with them.
1 person likes this
@cynthiann (18619)
• Jamaica
12 Dec 12
I just don't want things to get ugly. I am a quiet person and cannot take conflict. I will just have to see what happens. But when they return I will not question them about what happened whilst they were there.
1 person likes this
@SomeCowgirl (32270)
• United States
12 Dec 12
Oh the poor kids. I hope they won't go through too many grueling questions as they should visit and enjoy time with the other GM, not feel as if they have to answer questions the right way or face hurting the other grandmother. I know how it feels too as I had that situation as a child. Of course I always remember answering / acting in a way that made I suppose my dad's side feel that I loved my mom's side more. Truth be told I did because whilst with my dad's family I felt as if I did not belong and that they were trying to do everything they could to make me feel that way. Perhaps the visit will be better then you expect it to be, it will be a short visit afterall.
1 person likes this
@cynthiann (18619)
• Jamaica
12 Dec 12
I know it is only a short visit but I just have a feeling..... Kids play one side against the other too. I know that I will end up being the bad guy and I give him three slaps on his butt when he was totally out of control as we were leaving for school one morning. But he has improved and comes to me for cuddles and hugs etc so he hasn't held it against me
1 person likes this
@carmelanirel (20979)
• United States
12 Dec 12
I'm sorry Cynthiann, I guess this is one of those situations you just got to let go and allow G♥d to work through this. Has your Daughter-in-law got a job yet? Will she send for her children when she does? I know it is a complete different country, but perhaps if she gets a job and the children are with her again, it will work out.. In the meantime, I am praying for you and your family..
@cynthiann (18619)
• Jamaica
12 Dec 12
I know that I have to trust in G*d more and just hand over these problems to solve. To date she does not have a job but tells the kids that she is having interviews. Rationally, the earliest she would take them would be next August if she gets a job. She would need an apartment and furniture etc. I know that she can come anytime and take them. The problem is that the children still suffer as they will be away from their father and of course they enjoy a loving warm relationship with him. My son will not go for custody as he feels that this is extra stress on the children as their Mom will start a hate campaign with the children against him. He does not want them to suffer.
2 people like this
• United States
12 Dec 12
Again, I am so sorry..
1 person likes this
@cynthiann (18619)
• Jamaica
12 Dec 12
I so appreciate your friendship and concern.
2 people like this
@celticeagle (118269)
• Boise, Idaho
13 Dec 12
I think that it is only normal to be curious and to question the kids a bit. I have a similar situation. My grandson's dad hasn't been in the picture for about eight years. Out of the blue he called back in October regarding his birthday. As long as he is respectful of the boy he can continue to see him as far as I am concerned. I think it very unfair to ask a child which parent they love best. I don't know why some adults can't act like adults. I guess they were never given the opportunity to grow up. Parents need to give their child some independence but teach them to be responsible humanbeings and such.
@cynthiann (18619)
• Jamaica
13 Dec 12
You have said it all - and so well too. I had a childhood from hell but survived. It is important for kids to have contact with all family members - with the exception of abuse of course.
1 person likes this
@celticeagle (118269)
• Boise, Idaho
14 Dec 12
I had a really nice childhood. Abuse should never be tolerated. Kids need to be brought up to feel good enough about themselves and have the where with all to say something if they are being mistreated. Now days that isn't such a problem as it was when kids were to be seen and not heard.
@RitterSport (2452)
• Lippstadt, Germany
28 Apr 13
hi cynthiann, I can relate to that. My parents divorced when I was not quite 2 years old and my father used my visits every first Sunday of the month to try and make my mother the bad person, but it didnt work out that way he planned. I never ever felt I should leave my mother and live with him and then his new wife and family. My time there was much too painful emotionally to ever consider that as I was not treated nicely by his second wife at all.
@cynthiann (18619)
• Jamaica
28 Apr 13
Childhood is so painful and full of bad memories for so many of us. I think that we rae a commnity of hurting people and this is why we must love and support each other. This post is old and I had them for six months before she came in the night and took them. she had had them about six weeks and tyhen when she leaves she will drop them off at my house again. It is such a mess and so harm harm has been doen to her children
@dorannmwin (36698)
• United States
14 Dec 12
Oh, I couldn't agree with you more. I think that adults need to always be adults and they should never draw the children into the middle of the conflicts that they have in their lives. I think that you are doing a wonderful job with your grandchildren and I think it is great that they are getting over the trauma that they've been through in the last several weeks and I think that in your care they are going to continue on the good track that they are on.
@cynthiann (18619)
• Jamaica
14 Dec 12
Thank you so much but I am scared as to what to expect when they return. Their Mummy called before they left for school this morning and my GS became so angry because she would not say if she was coming for Christmas. He was awful for about 30 mins after she called but my son was here and took care of him. I know that they are going to be interrogated and he will become angry.
@GardenGerty (99384)
• United States
13 Dec 12
Adults have either forgotten what it felt like to be kids or choose not to remember, which is a little different. If they are choosing it is because they felt powerless as children and they want to enjoy the power they have now with no remorse, even if it means they become bullies to the children in their lives. You and their dad are doing a wonderful job. I hope that this visit does not cause them to regress. Can you prepare them in any way for what they may run into? Will they be willing to talk it over with you when they come back?
@cynthiann (18619)
• Jamaica
13 Dec 12
My son and I will discuss the possibilities of what may occur. They will talk when they come back but they will not hear anything from me to carry back to the other GM. I wil not disrespect them in any way. I expect them t cme back laden with gifts I am just remmeeber ing that my DIL was raised by her GM as her mother lived and worked in a different part of the Island. I think she went to live permanently with her mother when she was about 12 or 13 years so maybe she considers this acceptable behaviour?